tbl2008
My earliest memory of thinking I was fat is crystal clear to me. I was about 4 maybe 5 years old in a car with Mom, and some other kids from the neighborhood. This little boy was sitting in the front seat he must have been 3 years old at the time. He looked right at me and said “You Are Fat!” I remember feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and really fat. Looking back at pictures of course I wasn’t fat. But the label was there and I wanted to cry.
By the time I reached 2nd grade I was an extremely chubby kid. I don’t remember over eating and my life wasn’t lacking in activity. I do certainly remember having a difficult time finding kid clothes that fit me when it was time for school. I’ll never forget a day in 3rd grade when my very sweet 3rd grade teacher told us she weighed 130 pounds. I don’t know how the topic came up, but she was telling us that when she gained weight up to 140 pounds she would do simple things like stop drinking cokes and her weight would fall back to 130 again. I sat there and just waned to crawl under the desk with shame. I knew at 9 years old that I weighed more than she did. In retrospect I was a very tall kid for my age and I would have gown out of it over time. In fact I was already started to grow out of my 2nd grade “fat” as it were. Also, I look back at pics of Mrs. B and she was a 23 year old, fresh out of college, short, skinny woman!! But to my 9 year old mind I didn’t know those things and didn’t have the prospective to understand. To me it was more of the same- I was the fat kid.
By the time I hit 7th grade I was already shopping at plus sized clothing stores. School kids had teased me for 6 straight years and I was a reclusive kid. My self esteem was in the gutter and it seemed like all the other kids were making friends and having fun. High school marched on while my weight kept getting bigger and bigger. 11th grade was an all time high for me. My 18W jeans were ripping at the seams. I didn’t fit in most desks at school. I only had 2 or 3 friends, and I was just resound to the fact that I was fat. The oddest thing about this time in my life is that I don’t remember overeating. It must have been happening! The only thing I can really attribute it to was my mom’s cooking. It’s southern fried everything X 3 when it comes to lunch and dinner at her house. Breakfast before school was cupcakes or donuts.
Something started to happen when I started my senior year of high school. My friends and I started hanging out more, and I started to really like boys. My weight started to fall off (seemingly for no reason) late fall. I never knew my weight growing up but I do know my 20W jeans didn’t fit by Halloween. I bought 18W jeans for my senior year photos in December and my family was already saying I looked thinner. By Spring Break I was in 16W jeans and life was so much fun to me then! I had a growing group of friends that I hung out with, I had a boyfriend, and a car to drive around in! For several months after college started my weight trickled down to a tight size 14W jeans. Looking back I was suffering with social disappointments. During the course of my first year in college I was in love with two men (at separate times!) that honestly didn’t want me for a girlfriend. I started college and the weight started pilling on again. I didn’t know what had made it go away and I didn’t understand what was making it come back on. By the middle of my sophomore year of college I was a small size 20W jeans. I met the man of my dreams and started on BCP. My weight sky rocketed 45 pounds in 3-6 months! I complained to my old obgyn and he convinced me it was because I was eating too much- not the pills. I was miserable at that size and at some point made another doctors appointment and had asked about my excess weight. I’ll never forget this. The doctor got up like he was in the biggest freakin hurry, held onto the door knob like he couldn’t wait to escape from me, and said just do Adkins and you’ll be fine. He literally darted out the door after saying that. I sat there feeling stupid for asking him, ashamed, and hopeless.
My 20’s marched on with one disappointment after another. I’d rather not list the dirty details here, but lets just say the 20’s were the most UN FUN time of my life so far, by far worse than high school or junior high. The only two good days I had those 10 years was the day I got married and the day I graduated from college. My weight was ever increasing. By 25 I was in 24W clothes. Late 2006 I started to get sick of being fat. It took me 8 years, but finally I was sick of it. I hated the way I felt and looked. For the first time I wanted to really change it. I was 275 pounds at that time. I lived in a state of denial about it for the next year. In 2007 I gained 10 more pounds and was up to 285 by fall 2007.
I enrolled in health insurance and was on a mission to get informed and get thinner. I was starting to feel very sick from being so overweight. I knew I needed medical attention. My OBGYN referred me to an endocrinologist. She put me on a diet plan. 1600 calories a day. Simple as that! It was then that I realized my eating had been out of control. I was addicted to fast food. I was obsessed with over eating. I just needed it all to stop! I set my 1st Short Term Goal to lose 50 pounds by November 2007. I made it through the holidays ok, but went off track late Feb to early March 2008. It’s now late May 2008 and I’ve lost 47 pounds. My goal is to lose it by June 24th. I’m just going to keep pushing along until I get there. And when I get there I’ll set my 2nd Short Term Goal!
Thanks for reading my story. 
