tedescobear
My childhood was unremarkable: oldest of four to two parents. Everything appeared normal on the surface but my parents both drank excessively. My mother was mean with it and my father was trapped between my mother and me. If you follow the Wegschieder Principle I was the scapegoat: the negative focus for the family. My siblings were as follows: the hero, the joker and the lost child. Because of my family structure I tried to parent my sibs but it was met with resentment. I am definitely a product of the 50's wherein I was started on 'real' food at two weeks. I've always had weight problems as did my mother. The rest of my family; not so much when I was young but they have caught up in more recent decades. I have always been fat. I don't know if the teasing started because of my weight or because of my extremely poor self-esteem. Needlesstosay...I was horribly teased at school from peers: "fat pig" 'green pig (assoc. with my last name)' "fat ass," teachers: "pay attention fatty." and at home: "you don't need a second helping." The teasing became so servere that I was put into private school. The teacher were kind (even when I got into trouble) and had a tighter rein on the other students. It was in the 8th grade that I was started on my first weight loss attempt. Twelve years old and strung out on diet pills. I lost 60 pounds and for the first time my weight was close to "normal" But I had to leave the shelter of parochrial school. I managed to maintain my weight for a while but the proximitity of school food and a generous allowance sabotaged my better weight habits. By the time I graduated from high school I had gained back 60 pounds and an additional 10. No dates-group or individual, few friends-most telling me to loose weight, no proms and no grad night. After leaving home (and flunking out of college) I moved to San Francisco. I attended a technical college, worked and walked and walked. All the excercise really helped me to reduce my weight but it wasn't sufficient to lose enough that I made a good choice in the only long term relationship I have ever had. "D" was an alcoholic and even it didn't seem apparent at first; he also ridiculed me esp. about my weight. Two kids and extra 75 pounds after each birth. Nothing I tried, no diet or attempts at exercise worked. Looking back there were some factors that led to failure. I take ownership of the fact that I made excuses and cheated or lied to myself about my failures but I was also always afraid of leaving my children with their father because of his alcoholism. Eventually we separated and then divorced. I was able to get my weight down-well 50 pounds closer to what it should be. But it wouldn't last; the stress of being a single mother and going to school and trying to live on very little money led to me re-gaining weight and gaining even more. I had reached my heaviest weight: 325 at graduation. Finding a job at that weight; even with an RN degree was not easy. By this time I had become an alcoholic and that also contributed to the instability of my early career. Eventually, my children grew up (one choosing to live with her alcoholic father) and I was alone again. I briefly was able to loose about 80 pounds using Overeaters anonymous but it did not last because I wasn't willing or able to do the full 12 steps. More likely I wasn't willing or able to adress what we in 12 step programs call "my part." In August of 2003 I quit drinking (and have not had any since).I have been able to hold on to two jobs for a total of 10 years. I have not addressed my obesity with the same honesty. I was originally drawn to Al-Anon because of my husband and then to Adult Children of Alcoholics because I wanted to blame others and not face "my part," but because of AA I am now able to honestly address how I contributed to my disease. I am an alcoholic and I am a food addict. For the past two years I have toyed with the idea of bariatric surgery. Last year I honestly and thoroughly decided to commit. My health has been a big, big factor esp. as it relates to my career. I was recently terminated. Some of the factors were the physical aspects of my job; being on my feet for long periods of time, needing an extreme amount ot tolerance and dealing with lots and lots of pain. Despite the loss of my job I have continued my insurance. I have continued completing the tasks and tests that are required to acheive authorization. I now have authorization and am scheduled for the RNY proceedure on June 22nd of this year. I can't express to the appropriate level how wonderfully supportive Bariatric Solutions staff of Bakersfield has been. I could not have done it without their constant and loving support. A big, big thank you goes out to Karen C. who has been with me from the very start. Hugs, Missy Karen! Today my weight is 287 (down from 300.5 when I started the program). I'm struggling with loosing the additional 7 pounds my surgeon wants me to loose before surgery. I'm stuggling with excercise every day but I know that this is just as important as the surgery. On June 7th I start the liquid, 900 calorie pre-surgical diet. I'm slightly apprehensive but commited. Commited to a new me; the one who has been hidden and isolated and felt unlovable for more than 5 decades. I try not to think of my surgical date as the begining but all the steps, requirements, tests and decisions truly are the new begining. Thank you for reading. As a nurse and as a person, I hope my story has been helpful. I look forward to any and all conversations.