teresa62012
I was here many years ago hoping against hope to be able to have gastric bypass. My insurance at the time wouldn't cover surgery and I've always had a good successful career that I couldn't just leave to find new insurance. I was also the single mother of two young daughters. I left with resentment and bitterness that I couldn't afford the freedom that so many were enjoying. Maybe I'd just get so fat I couldn't work so the government could pay for surgery.... I was angry with my employer (a different one at the time), insurance companies in general and yes... those people for whom insurance (or the government) did pay. Although those were honestly the thoughts I left with, I was fortunately not desiring a path to further self destruction and I was able to maintain my status quo in my career as well as my weight.
Today I come back filled with the knowledge that this is actually going to happen after all these years. I believe in fate... things happening for a reason. While I usually don't understand the reason things happen, I do believe there is a purpose for many things. I don't know why I had to wait over 10 years for my opportunity to happen. It was a painful time emotionally, but not because I couldn't have surgery. Perhaps I had to grow in my understanding of what I really wanted out of life - what things are truly important and valuable to me. Mostly I think it was a matter of insurance companies realizing what a life saving procedure bariatric surgery can be, and how much money refusing it costs them in paying for the health problems of the morbidly obese. Today I do not resent those for whom surgery was available at all ... I am so thankful for all of you who forged the way... but I hope all of those who need to have surgery are someday able to, because I believe it IS the answer for so many reasons.
I've been overweight all of my life. I am quite sure I was born weighing 120 pounds. I graduated high school at 200 pounds. I lost and gained over the years but never got below 155... ever. After my second divorce at 35 I became very anxious & apparently depressed, although I never acknowledged that. I began taking antidepressants for anxiety and within about 2 years had gained over 100 pounds. At the time I had changed employment (and insurance networks) a couple of times, so my primary care doctors changed and no one really caught on. I guess I was in denial or just didn't care at the time, because I just remember waking up one day and realizing what had happened. I was shocked and appalled and felt that I had fallen into a bottomless pit that I would never find my way out of. I tried all the diets we have all tried. Many times. And of course I failed miserably. Literally. I wanted surgery but after all of my researching and praying, my insurance company was not going to cover it no matter what I did. I gave up bitterly. I tried to find a way to be happy with the "skin I was in", but I couldn't be. I could put on a good act... no one was aware of the pain inside.. but it was there. I resolved that life wasn't about me, it was about my daughters and the most important thing was that I be a good mother to them. I gave up trying to date altogether. I devoted myself to my girls and didn't really give it another thought.
As anyone who has adult children knows, they grow up WAY to fast. My oldest moved out on her own and my youngest graduated high school last year. It hit me very suddenly that my work was mostly finished. I raised two wonderful and beautiful daughters who were now young ladies and - like it or not - were now making lives of their own. Of course, that's what we all work for. If we do it right, we work ourselves right out of a job. Wow. How did I not see this coming? No one warned me I'd feel this way. I became very depressed in a way I'd never known. The question in my mind was "what am I going to do NOW?"... and the answer as a very dark "nothing" that came from a place I didn't like. I had friends at work, but had absorbed myself in the girls and spending time with them, not socializing myself. I didn't even like to go out and have to worry about what to wear or how others would perceive me. I had been in such personal isolation and denial all these years that I really had no answers. I had no one to discuss these feelings with because no one I knew felt this way or knew that I did. I saw for myself a future of darkness and loneliness... getting fatter and fatter until I couldn't leave my home. I don't know where these thoughts came from or why, but they terrified me. I talked to my doctor and after a few months she recommended a wonderful counselor by the name of Monica.
Monica was my light in the darkness who accepted everything I had to say and offered me hope. We worked through my negativity and I found some peace. I went through weeks of being on such an emotional roller coaster that I was scared to death I was bipolar. Monica assured me that was not the case, but that I had to get used to feeling and dealing with emotions rather than denying and pushing them away. We worked through stress responses, my relationships with my family members, my past... and my weight issues. At one point she recommended Over-eaters Anonymous and somehow it was as if a rainbow was pointing the way... I started attending OA and found so many wonderful people who understand and LIVE all of those things I kept hidden from even myself. They get it. I highly recommend OA to anyone who is dealing with food and emotional issues. Every group is different, but the foundation is the same. OA helped me see so many of my struggles and helped me see what I needed to do to deal with them. Of course, I'm not there yet... it's a lifelong process... but it was a wonderful awakening experience.
I found out last fall that FINALLY my insurance through my current employer was going to pay for surgery. They were not only going to cover it, my yearly maximum cost was wonderfully affordable. I was elated. Monica was less so, but acknowledged to me that I had come so far emotionally that she thought I could handle it. Monica has seen everything I believe... and she is well aware of the emotional struggles of bypass patients. I trust and value her input. I would have planned the surgery without her blessing, I know, but her endorsement means more to me than she will ever know. The knowledge that she will be there when I need her (and I will need her) as my life changes is so wonderful and comforting. I stopped going to OA because I had heard some comments in my group... just generic ones... that were fairly negative in regard to bypass surgery. I love those ladies and I know they would have been supportive to me... but I did not want any negativity surrounding this decision. I also know that once the surgery is over I will be welcomed back if I feel it necessary to return.
So, in a nutshell, I began the process with Dr. Christopher Edwards at Mercy Hospital in Springfield, Mo. Dr. Edwards is wonderful and his bariatric surgery program has been awarded the Center of Excellence designation by the American Society of Metabolic and Bariatric surgery. Mary, his office nurse is wonderful and attentive to any and all concerns I've had. I am working the program and will be looking toward having surgery the end of June or first of July. I am in wonderful hands and this is my time. : )
Honestly... if it's any consolation to those of you who are waiting... this IS the right time and it has been worth waiting for. My daughters are grown, so I can fully concentrate on what I need to do. I had been on blood pressure medication for about 8 years and somehow, last year it resolved. I did not lose weight or change anything (aside from counseling !?!)... but somehow my blood pressure is completely and totally normal. I have gerd and sleep apnea, both of which will resolve after weight loss. I am more in tune with my emotions and how to deal with them than I have ever been... but mostly my motivation has changed. After 10 years, the main thing that has changed is that while I DO hope to look better and wear smaller, prettier clothes... my motivation is that I want to LIVE. I want to feel more energetic and be able to do the things I haven't done in years. I want to explore the things I have never experienced and to make life for my empty nested self that is fulfilling and uplifting. If I had been able to have surgery 10 years ago things would have been different. It might have worked out beautifully... but considering the emotional work I've done in the last year, I suspect I would have been miserably thin. I don't think I was in a place back then to have been able to make the most of the new chance at life I have laying before me now. I am thankful for life as it is and for the opportunity I am being given.
