TexieC

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Okay, I went to the bank, got two cashiers checks, one for the Doc and one for the hospital, and delivered them today and I am scared.

Really really scared.  Almost backing-out scared.  I am scared that

1. I'll die during surgery and my son will be without his mother.
2. They will find some terrible thing wrong with me during surgery.
3. I'll come through the surgery fine and it won't work and I won't loose anything.

Rational or not, that is what I am scared of right now.

The NP at my Doc's office prescribed some Xanex for me but I hate them.  I can't believe people can get addicted to these things.  I just feel like a rubber band when I take them and all want to do is lay on the couch.  No thanks.
I may take one the night before surgery so I can sleep.

OMG!OMG!OMG!

I am starting shakes and lean cusine tomorrow which is good because evidently I eat when I am scared (or happy or sad).  I am making cookies for a New Year's Eve party and my cookie dough only made about 1/2 of what the recipe said it would because I was eating the rest.  Feel like crap now-- sugar overload. 

8 days to go. OMG!OMG!OMG!  

Oh yea, I am also afraid that I am going to wake up during surgery. 

I just got back from my pre-op appointment and I am kinda freakin' out. I guess this is really happening.  I was glad that I had not gained any since my original consult and that they said I did not really need to do the liquid protein, just don't gain any weight before the surgery(three weeks with Christmas in the middle).  I am proud to report that I am at my full pregnancy weight.

There was a picture of the surgery that I would have been better off not seeing but......

My husband seems to be coming around a little on this.  He never really objected but didn't really want to talk about it.  Now he is even asking questions and an occasional joke or two about me getting all new clothes or about all the money we will save with me eating NOTHING!!  

I am feeling a little guilty as I am not telling anyone but my husband and my best friend.  I am telling my son and mom that I am going out town.  I just don't want to tell my mom as she can't keep a secret to save her life and she is very very judgemental, especially about weight since she never had a problem to speak of.  One of her favorate past times is to report on how "bad" everyone looks and "hasn't so-and-so really gained?"

I am not telling my son since 6 years ago I had a bout with cancer and since then everytime I go to the doctor he seems to get anxious.  He is in the middle of semester exams then and I just don't want to stress him.

Okay, tomorrow I go and get my presecriptions filled, get all of the "supplies" and try and keep my mind occupied with Christmas for the next week......

OMG

We just got back from Hawaii today and I downloaded all of the pictures from the vacation.  As usual I am only in a couple since I try to keep the camera in my possession at all times (this ensures that no one gets any shots of me).  

My surgery is in exactly 1 month.  I have vowed that the next vacation will find me trim and healthy.  Next climb up Diamond Head will be much easier and I will wear a swim suit without a moomoo over it.  

I have been afraid to get on the scale since we got home.  I definatly rewarded myself with food and drink during the trip (or, according to my therapist, punished myself by overeating.)  I go to my surgeon on the 19th for my pre-op and get the liquid protein then.  I am suppose to loose 10 pounds before surgery.  The PA at my surgeion's office said that he is very strict about this part of things and that 10 pounds means 10 pounds from my weigh-in at my consultation. Soooooo that is 10 pounds plus any that I gained during Thanksgiving, vacation and holiday parties.  I am getting  back on track tomorrow and have a goal of being down a few pounds by the 19th and loosing the rest on the liquid protein the last two weeks.

I have been reading the posts about the Oprah show on weight loss surgery and transferance addictions.  This is a little worrisome since I come from a long line of addicts of all kinds (food, alcohol, drugs, $$$).  

I have been working with a therapist since I was recovering from early onset colon cancer.  My 5 year cancer free date was September 30th.  I have always struggled with 10- 20 pounds and then after my son was born another 20.  During the whole cancer ordeal another 20 or so from the stress..... A hysterectomy, another few and on and on.  We have talked about the transferance addiction thing and she says that when you take food away it will be replaced with something, the key is to replace it with something good and healthy instead of another self destructive addiction.  We have been working on a plan for that and I feel I am ready...  She does all of the psych consults for my surgeon and she was the one that recommended Dr. Davidson. I feel good about having her support and will continue to use her as a tool during this journey.

I have just recently come out of denial (yes, I am actually overweight, very overwight) and decided that my weight is the one big thing in my life that I cannot seem to get under control.  I have tried everything that I can think of even (I am embarressed to say) HCG shots that I ordered over the internet.  I don't even want to try another diet and a few more less-than-healthy options.  I just don't want to fail again, end up more depressed or lose a few to just gain it + more back.  I am excited about the surgery but scared too as it seems like the very very last resort and if it fails that's just it.  I am looking at this a tool to help with a new life style.  This message board has been very key in my decision to get the surgery.  I just hope I am not the only one that it doesn't work for.

I am going to weigh tomorrow morning, post the results and start this journey.  Something about it seems like it is not really me who is doing it but someone that I am watching???  I haven't seen any posts like that but I may put it out there.  Everyone on the board seems so kind and encouraging.  I am really glad I found these people.

Here we go!!!!!!!