Pattie K.

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I can officially say spring has sprung in Michigan . The nights are still cool, but there is no snow in the forecast and the days get up to the 50’s. Spring is HERE!! Nothing on a job yet. I got some leads last night in my international management class. I will follow up on them this weekend. I have tons of homework to do, 4 weeks left until graduation. Getting nervous on the job thing!! Student LOANS!! 
The girls are keeping my busy also. Brianna took 3^rd out of 8 teams two weeks ago at Nationals. Her stunt group did not do as well, but they placed. 
Amber is playing school softball. She is doing well, but not getting along with Danielle. 
Ashley is moving towards graduation and future plans. Her play is going well. I guess I’m helping with costumes again, but I’m not sure what I’m doing. 
Friday is the suicide prevention fundraiser. Not sure if I would be able to handle it all if it was my daughter. At awards the other night they horned Shane and about cried. Friday should be fun, not. It is all sad and I don’t think any parent wants to go through it. 
Monday is my second fill. I better lose weight then!!! I have been to the gym 4 times this week AND nothing!! I keep going up a pound, down a pound. I increased my protein this week, NOTHING!! I hope this next fill will make a difference. I would love 20 pounds gone before I walk for my diploma. And I would love for 30+ to be gone by Ashley’s party. Keep TRYING!!!

So Brianna comes home last night upset. Her dad yelled at her for getting the remotes screwed up. PLEASE!!I asked her if it was the old angry dad, she said yes and cried! I just want to cry with her! Why in the world does John have to be like that? Amber came home not talking and very short with everyone! Ashley said something to her about it! This morning I told her, again, that people talk to her the way she talks to them. Life has to suck for her.

At church today I had reflected on all the mistakes I made as a mom! I really suck as a mom!! I make so many mistakes! I apologized to Brianna last night. Tonight I will have to talk to Amber.

I’m taking John back to court for more money. Partly because I need it, do to him not paying for 4 months last year!! It has put me behind. He makes more money and was able to buy a house over 100,000, while I struggle and look for another part time job. I can no longer care if he is mad at me or not. What ever the court says I’m entitled to I’m taking. I have run the numbers and it should be roughly 200 more a month. I will soon have Amber’s insurance to pay for and Brianna’s classes. Plus I will be losing Ashley’s money and I have a student loan to pay for One day everything will work out, all in God’s time.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I just want to cry as I write this. I'm getting so tired of trying. What is wrong with me? I'm just getting so tired of trying and trying. Why dose no one want to hire me! I would think that I would be use to the rejections, but they still make me cry. Every interview I'm missing just something, well that is what they say!! What I'm I suppose to do with my life. I thought by getting an education I would be in a better position to get a "career" job, my education has not helped at all. And now I have to pay back all the money!! Maybe I'm just a dumb person who really doesn’t have the brains to be in a real job!! I just want to cry!! What am I going to do?!?! I need guidance!! How in the world can I support the girls? How will I retire? How will I support myself? I’m a believer in making changes to better yourself. That is what I have done, but still nothing. I can’t even get a secretary job with a bachelor’s degree. I just want to cry more. I can even feel it taking over my body!!

I now remember how much I hate the cold. I sure wish we had a wood stove. Brianna and Amber have been sick with cold. Now Ashley and I are getting it. I guess it will have to work its way around the house. Speaking of the house, it has been really odd. Everyone seems mad and short with one another, including me. I think we have been locked up in the house too long. When will spring get here? It has been below zero for almost a week. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I had a face to face interview. I think it went o.k. I have not heard anything yet and I'm getting really worried. I just want a real job!! I sent my resume to two other jobs. Something has to come soon. The 20 pounds I have off helped. 

Craig and I had our first fight in 4 years about 3 weeks ago. I'm still not completely over it. So what do I do, not talk!! It is just becoming so hard to keep everyone liking everyone. It was not like this before we got married. I just wonder why all the girls are like this now. It will get better!!

Brianna will perform this weekend!!! I'm so excited, couldn't make it to the other performance due to the extra hospital stay. I'm going to be there cheering her on. I would love her to stay in DreamStarz. Amber will start drivers-ed in 4 weeks!!! HELP!!! Ashley is working on her play. All is busy in our world!!!