TraceyC
Where to begin?.....
I chose to have the adjustable laproscopic band. I never really wanted a gastric bypass and probably would have opted out if that had been my only option. I had no major health concerns that made my choice a drastic one. I have a long family history of health problems and I didn't want to be in those statistics. I knew without a doubt that I was heading in that direction. My surgery was June 21, 2004. I was kept overnight on a 23 hour observation. I was up and going by that afternoon. The next day I was a little sore but nothing too horrible pain wise. My husband even dropped me off at the house and I INSISTED that he go to work. As soon as he left I went and got my hair done. Crazy, I know, but hey I needed a pick me up. I lost 7 lbs the first week.
Within a few months I noticed that my fills weren't keeping me full. Eventually it was discovered that I had a leak. The percentage is really low for this to happen but I am a lucky person I guess. Where my port and tubing connect I had sprung a leak. On March 24, 2005 I went in again to get it corrected. This was a very "easy" surgery. I am thankful that it was so minor. I woke up in the holding area before the recovery room. I think I had been in surgery for a total of 20 minutes or so. It wasn't fun to be one of the fortunate few that have complications but I am glad that it is fixed and I am on my way again. What an emotional rollercoaster that was!!!
I think the best thing about the Band is that I finally have CONTROL over my body. Before surgery I could exercise and eat right till the cows came home, so to speak, and yet it was pointless. Now I am empowered. I have actually become an exercise junkie. I am currently exercising 1-3 times a day. I can tell immediate results in my body when I exercise, I have NEVER had this effect before. It feels AMAZING!!! My metabolism is way up and I am feeling better and better. I have gone from a tight 20 to a 14. I am hoping to keep it up. I want to lose another 50-60lbs. I keep telling myself that when I get to a size 12 that the surgery will have been worth it. We'll see when that day gets here. Actually I think that is was worth it already, but hey I need milemarkers! My ultimate goal is to look alright in a wetsuit. I love the water and really want to learn to scuba dive, but I refused to do so in a size 20-22.
My next obstacle is breast reduction/lift surgery. I am having it done tomorrow, July 14, 2005. I am a little apprehensive. I have been totally fine with the decision. My life since about the age of 10 has included massive breasts. I went from looking like a kid to a volumptious adult almost overnight. I am ready to get rid of the back pain and all the things that go with having large breasts. I asked my plastic surgeon at the beginning if this if it was the right thing to do at this time. He assured me that I was OK. While visiting my nutritionist for my 1 year post op last week she was adamant that I not do this. So I went back to the plastic surgeon who again assured me that I was making a good decision. I talked with my husband about it and we came to this conclusion: Life is short and I don't know how much time I have here on Earth. Get it done now and enjoy it while I can. If in a few years I don't look as good as I do now, then we will pay out of pocket to get another lift. I am hoping that I never cross that bridge, but again my surgeon assured me that it would be a minor office procedure with a local anesthetic if I did indeed need it in the future. So here I begin the next journey. Eventually I would like a tummy tuck, but I need to be at goal to even think about it. I am hoping that by Christmas I will be on my way!!!
I think the best thing about the whole thing is how empowered I am over my body. I am so excited to see the changes that occur almost daily in my life. I wish for all overweight/obese people to be able to feel like I do, that there is hope. On the way to the gym this morning the LeAnn Rimes song "One Way Ticket/ Because I Can" came on. It pretty much summed up my journey so far.
"Standing on the border, looking out onto the great unknown. I can feel my heart beating faster as I step out on my own. There's a new horizon and the promise of favorable wind
I'm heading out tonight, traveling light. I'm gonna start all over again.
And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can
Gonna climb the mountain
And look the eagle in the eye
I won't let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly
How could I have ever believed
That love could be so blind
When freedom was waiting, down at the station
All I had to do was make up my mind
Well, I have walked through the fire
And crawled on my knees through the valley of the shadow of doubt
Then the truth came shining like a light on me and now I can see my way out
I'm gonna buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
Gonna have my breakfast with some pink champagne
I'm gonna sail the ocean, I'm gonna spread my wings
I'm gonna climb that mountain, gonna do everything.
Good Luck wherever you are in your journey!
Love ya!
Tracey
07/18/2005
I did it!!!!! I had my breast reduction/lift last Thursday. I am feeling great. This surgery is right up there with WLS in being a wonderful decision. I am so glad I did it. I have been shopping a little bit and have found so many cute shirts, camisoles, nighties, etc that I could have NEVER worn before. They look AWESOME!!! I know in a few weeks when the swelling is down, the bruising is gone and the stitches are history that I am going to feel like a million bucks! With any surgery you wonder if it's the right decision. You wonder if it will turn out like you had hoped. Well it was a wonderful decision and they are beautiful (if I do say so myself) I don't know when I will feel like they are really mine though. Right now I feel like an imposter!!!! haha The worst part so far is not being able to exercise- I really miss it! Oh well, a few more weeks and I'll be donning that swimsuit I bought online last year that I couldn't ever wear because it looked obscene in the chest area and going back to water aerobics! Look out boys!!!! haha
5/20/2008
Wow! Almost three years have gone by since my last update...shame on me!
I am 15lbs from goal as of today and I am mostly in size 12's and Jr 13's. I am still debating the plastic surgery issue. I am 35 years old and have saggy skin...what's up with that? 15lbs and I will think about it more, right now I am just trying my best to get to goal.
So how does it feel? Well as I said before, I am in control of my body for once in my life. What an amazing feeling!
With that being said, I am also doing the head tricks game too. Ouch! If you've ever seen the anorexic commercials where young girls stand in front of the mirror and see a fat girl staring back at them- that's sort of me. I do not see a size 12 staring back at me, I see a huge 200+ person. When I go shopping I have to look at the numbers on the tag, I can't pick something up and think that it will fit. Then once I get to the dressing room and try it on I am totally amazed that it DID fit. I don't know how many times I have held something up after I took it off and stared at it with total wonder. I hope that my brain will catch up someday.
I am trying to put together a slide show of my journey. The song for my background is from Brad Paisley- When You Find Yourself. WLS isn't just about losing weight, it's about discovering yourself underneath of all those extra pounds. I have always felt pretty self confident, but after WLS and getting close to goal I second guess myself with so many things now. Here's the song:
When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself
When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself
Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself
When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself
When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself
One more song defines my journey- when I decided to pursue WLS I wondered if I'd be a failure at it like every other diet that I had ever been on. I figured I'd be the only person in WLS history to gain weight instead of lose. Seriously, why would this work when so many other things hadn't? But then as the pounds started coming off and the sizes got smaller and smaller, I began to feel like maybe I had finally figured this out. Maybe it was time to believe in my own capabilities. When you carry around extra weight, people don't look at you- they look through you. It is hard to be the largest "invisible" person in the room. Alone in a crowded room... quite a sad concept that obese people go through. As I've lost weight I have noticed that people pay more attention to me- not just men either. I think that being heavy makes people think that you are lazy too. As most people who know me would attest- I am not lazy. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. So in fact WLS isn't just about losing pounds it is also about losing stereotypes, losing the "fat girl" image, and most scary of all is losing your comfort, losing your mask- and being visible. So these three songs hit so close to home for me- here are some lyrics that really hit home for me- "looking out onto the great unknown, I won't let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly, I will face the world around me Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go And I will fall in love again Because I can" Fear of finding myself, of learning who I REALLY am and loving myself and letting go of all the insecurities that come with relying on being obese. When you meet the one That you've been waitin' for And she's everything that you want and more You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else And then you find yourself That’s when you find yourself Getting there and realizing that you are not invisible. Liking yourself for who you are, learning to become selfish. This has been VERY hard for me. I have always put everybody's needs ahead of mine. Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray- would it work? Is this going to be another failure? I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye Take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away Learning to spread my wings has been a long road. Would I do it again? In a New York Minute!!! Have I completed what I set out to do? Not yet, but if I didn't lose another inch or pound I still feel like a success. When am I going to stop? I don't know yet. Being a swimsuit model has never been a goal, but my goal keeps changing as time goes on. Originally I wanted to be the size of an average American woman. I did that. I don't know when I will officially get to where I want to be, I never thought I'd get this far honestly. I'll let you know someday......
Break away
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away
