TracyInTheZoo
March 30, 2007~Hello there!
I just found out than NONE of my previous writings from the past four years are transferred to this new profile format.
I thought the WORDS would have went with this profile before anything else..gggggrrrrrr!!
Anyway, I wasn't planning on writing all my history down from the past four year journey that I've been on. So I guess tommorrow I will try to start writing again.
May 21, 2007~
Well, I didn't feel like updating for a while. I have been very sad about all my profile updates disappearing off here. It was like my little diary I could always read and feel inspired by. And now it's all GONE!! Unbelievable. I really don't like this new format. The only good thing about it is that people with little experience with photos can add them easier. But someone needs to get with the program and when old members want to upgrade to this, the updated diary part should AUTOMATICALLY go with the page! I can't put in to words how much it has bothered me to lose all that documentation I had of my journey. This site was always there for me as an inspiration and a reminder of what I had went through. Now, I don't have that comfort anymore. It just makes me feel a bit alone here.
Anyway..I am doing great now. I am maintaining around 150. I don't change my weight much, and if I do it is never more than 5 pounds either way. Which is great for me!! I am 5'10" and when I got down to 135, I looked like a skeleton. So I am so glad to stay where I am now!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
August 17, 2007~I found access to my old profile, and so I am trying to copy and paste it in here..hopefuly it shows up when I am done..WISH ME LUCK (as I don't want to re type it all.. LOL)
I am loving life right now. I am finally settled in to where I plan on living for the rest of my life. My family is growing up great and happy and we love life! We have so many awesome friends that are always here for us. Isn't it funny how some people find that their family can also extend to their friends. I believe that some friends are closer than family. And definately more trustworthy I think. I am just blessed that I do have such wonderful friends in my life as I do need them for sure!
THE FOLLOWING IS MY "DIARY" THAT I KEPT DURING MY JOURNEY TO WHERE I AM TODAY!
My hobbies are mostly taking care of my three little girls and my husband. We love to mostly just hang out at home right now. I am hoping that after this surgery that might just change and our lives will get a little more active!!! :)
8-14-03 Well, I am Post-op now!! I had open RNY on 6-26-03. I have been so busy (and kinda' worn out) and haven't spent much time online lately. But the surgery went well. The worst part was the IV they put in my arm. The idiot who put it in placed it right at the bend of my arm by my elbow, and as a result, it kept filling up the bottom of my arm by my hand with the fluids, and so I had to raise up my arm on pillows the entire time I was there. I even complained to the nurses when I was there, and all they did was irrigate it. It is also a permanant scar on my arm, and was also infected after it was removed. It was actually grosser to look at than my huge scar on my stomach..HA HA!! But it is all better now, just scarred.
I am enjoying this time right now though. And so is my husband. He is so proud of me, and it is amazing how attentive he is now. I haven't really changed that much yet..loss of 50 pounds..but he just can 't believe how much even that has changed me. He is always rubbing me and being so romantic. No complaints here!!! :)
MY HUSBAND AND DAUGHTERS
THEY ARE THE REASON I HAD THIS SURGERY!!
8-27-03 I was so excited the other day. I got the final bill for my consultation, and my hospitalization, and my surgery, and my anesthesiologist....and it totalled almost $20,000.00. When I looked at the bottom I actually cried!!!!! My insurance company paid every single penny of the bill. I owe NOTHING!!! I was so happy!!! You see, my husband changed his level of insurance at work last December, in anticipation of my having this surgery. We pay $88.00 a week just for medical now. It was only $44.00 a week and we figured that if we paid weekly for more coverage, they would maybe cover more costs for the surgery. Kinda' like a payment plan for the surgery instead of large up front costs. And I am now happy that our plan worked out the way it did. I didn't know what they were going to charge me and so it is so much of a relief to see that it was all covered!!! :)
10-7-03 Well, we just got back from Myrtle Beach, S.C. after 9 days of fun in the sun, and come back to Michigan and have cold weather and rain!! YUCK!!! But it was so much fun. We took all three of our daughters this year and it was our first family vacation. Usually just my husband and I go by ourselves to celebrate our anniversary in September. But we changed our plans this year and the kids loved it. I actually went out and swam without wearing a huge tee shirt to cover my swim suit this year and I wasn't self concsious like I usually am. And I almost cried when we were there because they had this big fortune telling scale when we were there, and I got on it and I have lost 73 pounds in just over three months!!! That is great!!! It was the first time I had told my husband how much I weighed since I met him, and it was so awesome!!! By the way, in the marriage department, my husband is just the best there could be. I love all the attention he gives me now. We have always had the perfect romantic relationship, but now, it seems to just get better every day. He just loves to see how fast I am changing and I am proud to show him!!! :)
10-14-03 Well, I have still been losing!!! I was so proud last night, I was at my best friend's house, and she wanted me to show her how much I had lost by using her scale. Well, being so overweight my whole life, I never stand on a scale when someone might be looking over my shoulder and see how much I weigh!! But I knew that it had been a while since I was on a scale.. (almost a month) and so I just jumped up on it, and it was 210!! yippee!!! 83 pounds gone forever and ever!!! I am hoping to be under 200 pounds by my birthday on November 13. I know I will be, as it is a whole month away and that is only ten pounds. Funny, how I can say that...I would have never thought to lose ten pounds that fast before, and now, I am just assuming that it will happen!! I am drinking water water water and eating protein and veggies and that's pretty much it!!! I don't want to ruin this surgery. I mean, I will cheat and eat a tiny bite of carb filled food, or steal one of my kid's doritos or something like that, but I never eat more than one dirty chip!! LOL!! :)~ OK...so I have eaten two at one time but that's it..only two...I swear!!! HA HA HA!!! Anyway, I am thinking about the way this surgery has effected my relationship with my husband. It is only getting better everyday between us. I mean, we have always been great together, but it seems like every day he just does something sweeter than the last day. And he is always encouraging me, bringing me my vitamins so I won't forget to take them, and even going so far as to give up his PEPSI and drink PROPEL water with me every day. I even laughed the other day when he ate only the toppings off two pieces of pizza and threw away the entire crust underneath just like I do. And he is doing the no sugar, high protein, low carb diet also!! And my only goal when I started this was to weigh less than him, he is only making it harder for me...he was 195 when I started, now, he is 175 because he is watching what he eats and working out too!! And this is all wonderful for him, as only two years ago, he was 240 pounds, and had began working out and changed careers to a more physical type and I am so proud of him! He is just beautiful!! (he hates when I say that about him..hee hee hee) But he really is. I will be putting some of our vacation pics on my profile in the next week or so, and everyone can see the new hubby too!!
10-30-03 Well, I am trying to get my new pictures on here, but for some reason, they are not up yet and I put them up last night. WEIRD!!! Oh well, I will just try again! Well, I am almost below 200!!! I can't wait to stand on the scale and see it go down below that mark!! I will probably do a happy dance all around the house when that happens!!! I am finding it harder and harder to wear any of my clothes, even the ones that I just bought in September. They are all making me look like a bag lady or something. I am just changing so fast right now, it seems like such a waste of money to keep buying clothes that I can only wear for a few weeks. So I look like a bag lady for now, but that's ok..I still look like a GOOD bag lady.. HA HA
11-4-03 Well, I have not been updating again. I am sorry. But I am always so busy it seems. Anyway, things are going great. The only thing is that I am very worn out right now. I have been thinking that I might need a B-12 shot or something. I was supposed to see my doctor last month for my four month visit. But they rescheduled it for end of November. I am also scared because I have this lump on my belly button and I think it is a hernia or something. Hopefully it doesn't get any bigger...eeewww!!! Well, will update again soon. Still, my pictures will not come up on here, and I don't know why!! It's been a week!!!
11-6-03 Well, I have an appointment with my doctor tommorrow because I think I have a hernia!! :( This lump coming out of my belly button is starting to really hurt.
I was so excited the other day, as I put on a pair of my husband's old shorts and they were a 34 waist!!! Now, they were a little tight and I wouldn't wear them in public just yet, but it was good enough to me that I could button them and zip them WITHOUT laying down on my back to do it! I had a special moment last weekend. I got some old film developed and even some film from the week before my surgery. And my husband was looking at them and he apologized to me for never even noticing that I was that big before. Now some people might be insulted to hear their husband refer to them as "big" but to me it was the greatest compliment that he could ever give me. He just kept going on about how he never noticed it before and never really thought I should have this surgery because he didn't think I needed it. But that is love, it is blind and beautiful!! I really love this man!! He knows just what to say to make me smile. I don't think I have ever been happier in my life than I am with him right now. I thank God for this surgery and the happiness that it has brought to my life. I wake up every day with eagerness and I STAY awake all day and that is a blessing in itself. When I used to need ten or more hours a day to stay functioning and now I can sleep for seven hours and be refreshed and ready to start the day! Yippee for life!!!
11-12-03 Hello again~I first want to say a big THANK YOU to Sharon for making my profile so beautiful!! Anyway, I am changing so much right now, inside and out. It is still hard for me to avoid going to the plus size section of every store I go into. It is like an automatic thing for me and it makes my husband laugh. He thinks it is funny how I keep buying clothes that will only barely fit me for a couple weeks and then they just look like a bag on me. My pants are the worst. I tried a pair on that I bought two months ago and were too small at the time, and now that I drag them out to try them on again..poof! they fall right to my knees and are so big it is hilarious. And I really loved those pants. And so here I sit today, wearing those pants with a safety pin at my waist to hold them up. I don't remember ever having to hold up my pants and make them tighter to stay up...YIPPEE!!! Usually I would just buy a pair that were supposed to be my size and always wish they were a little bigger so I could breath better. But since the surgery I just don't have to worry so much about that. Well, unless I try to put my 200 pound bootie into some size tens or something. That would be a real hoot to see me trying to squeeze these thight into a size that small. I just can't imagine myself ever getting so small. It is amazing to me how some people on here write that they are in a size 4 or 6. It just brings tears to my eyes and I am so happy for them, but I just still can't see myself getting that small.
My husband is always making me feel beautiful. And even as big as I still am now, he only sees ME! And he is always complimenting me and making me feel so special. I couldn't do this without him. Sometimes, he even makes comments like "you're getting so small now" and I just laugh because of course I don't believe him, even knowing that I have lost so much already, I just can't see it the way he does. Maybe because it has all happened so fast that your mind can't catch up with your body or something. I am just afraid that I will always be the big clutzy girl that I always was. But I have noticed that when we are in a crowd of people, it is so much easier to navigate around people than it used to be. Probably because before surgery I didn't like anyone to get too close to me, especially strangers. I never wanted anyone to push up against me and feel my fat body and laugh or something. I have also noticed that more family and friends are so much "friendlier" now since I have lost weight. I get hugs all the time and that is very weird to me. As I said before, I never liked to get close and "physical" with anyone, including a hug from a friend. And now, it just happens alot and I am adjusting slowly. But it is hard still.
Marriage-wise I couldn't be happier. A year and a half ago I think my husband and I were virtually becoming strangers. So many things had happened between us and we were growing apart emotionally. I think it was mostly my fault because I just didn't care about myself anymore, if I died, oh well, it would just end my pain and misery. But now it is so different. I want to live to be an old woman with this man by my side. We have found a love that goes beyond words. I know that he is my soul mate and my best friend. We talk all the time now, and I think this is because I am not so afraid inside of losing my beautiful husband. I guess deep down I thought that being heavy meant that your husband needed to be kept happy at all times so he wouldn't leave for a more skinny and beautiful woman. And so I didn't like to talk about things that bothered or annoyed me so that we could avoid conflicts. Now, I have more self confidence and I share EVERYTHING with him. It is so strange after 13 years together that we can finally communicate totally honestly. I feel like I am a newlywed right now. Thank you Dr. Wood for giving me my life back again!
11-14-03 Well, I am going to Detroit next Wednesday night for a support group meeting with my best friend. She has been interested in this surgery for a long time and finally got up the nerve to set up an appointment for a consultation. We were supposed to go last Saturday, and she cancelled it at the last minute. I think she is just having those fears that her insurance won't approve or that the doctor will deny her the surgery. But I told her you'll never know until you go and find out. So this time I am making her go no matter what..HA HA!! I mean, it is only a consultation type meeting, no harm in that. But I know what it feels like to be afraid of something getting in your way with this surgery. I even got her into this web site and she has been researching everything on here. Hopefully she will start a profile soon so she can update her own progress. I know that this surgery has saved my life and actually given me a whole new outlook on the world. And I know she could also use a good dose of life and happiness. Tina...you deserve to be happy. SO BE HAPPY :)
Freedom from that bag of fat that used to be around me feels so awesome. I can't explain to anyone else the way I feel now, except you guys. It is like a new and better me is emerging. Even though I am still the same inside, I just feel so confident and happy now. Life is Good!!! :)
My birthday was yesterday, and my husband made me so happy. He got off work early and suprised me with the most awesome romantic card that he had written a beautiful note also. I could tell when I read the inside of the card that this time he actually spent a long time picking the right card. You know how men are, they just buy whatever they see and that's the card you get. But this time, it actually had meaning in our lives. And, he got me the Indiana Jones Trilogy DVD box set (YIPPEE! I LOVE THAT MOVIE), a dozen roses, and the thing that made me so warm and fuzzy inside...a care bears stuffed animal set..one was grumpy and the other was cheery. Then, he wrote his name on the package over the grumpy one and my name over the cheer bear. (Cause sometimes he can get grumpy...LOL)..It was just so cute and special. I felt so awesome...I love you Chris..Thank you for being YOU!! :)
11-19-03 Well, I had to go to my regular doctor yesterday to get on Wellbutrin. He gave me some blood tests last week and decided that I needed this. It will be OK I think. I have never been on any anti depressants before. But I have moodiness lately and I can just SNAP! at anyone for the littlest thing. It is crazy. I will just explode at someone for nothing and five minutes later I will feel like an ass because I was so rude!!! And in that seven days between doctor's appointments I lost anohter 7 pounds!!! Whoo Hoo!! I was so happy. You see, I don't keep a scale in my house. So I don't weigh in as often as most. But that is nicer anyway, as I would rather see a loss of ten or twenty pounds from using a scale once a month than to get on there every day and cry because I didn't lose that week or something. I tend to get emotional over those things right now. It is hard sometimes to not feel like YOU will be the one who fails with this surgery. I try to tell myself that I will never be as big as I was again. But that old fear is always lurking there in the back of my mind.
I am going to Detroit today with my best friend for her WLS consultation. I know she's nervous, but she's doing it!! I hope and pray that her insurance will cover her and she don't have to jump through too many hoops to get her surgery. Maybe we will stop and grab one of those Subway wraps I heard they are trying out in the Detroit area with the low carbs! YUMMY!!
Well, we did go to Detroit for her consultation. She has a long road ahead, but she is going to do it! She has a long road to travel, and a lot of hard times on the side, but she will survive and conquer!! LOL :) !!! Good luck Tina.
Thanksgiving was great!! My brother came to town and spent Friday evening with us. I haven't seen him in over three years and let me say that it was very strange. He has definately not seen me since losing over 100 pounds, and he said I look like a totally different person. I suppose I do, but it is still weird to hear people say it.
I am wearing so many of my husband's clothes lately. It is so cool! I even grabbed his new pair of medium shorts and they just fit perfect. I could have cried! I will say that the one greatest thing about this surgery is how close I can get to my husband now! Between his weight loss of seventy pounds + and my loss of over 100, we lost that invisible third person in our relationship..LOL..and boy do we take advantage of that! Hee Hee. It is just the little things that I notice I can do every day that make this so worthwhile. I love to dance with my husband now. I love it that he can put his arm comfortably around me when we are walking together, and not feel like he is having to stretch his arm out just to touch me. In fact, there is even some room there now and no need to even try to stretch! :grin: I love all the closeness that we share now. And I love being able to tuck my leg up against my chest when I am sitting on the couch. No big tummy in the way anymore! And my tummy doesn't get all wet when I do the dishes anymore. I love that one! :)
12-10-03 Well, my best friend Tina called yesterday, and she made it to her PCP. And her doctor is awesome. She talked to her about getting referrals for all the tests she will need to get the surgery done. And her doctor was all for it! While she was at the office, the doctor told her that she would have to do this on her own but that she would give her the referrals. In fact, she found out that after she left the office, her doctor went ahead and called her insurance company for her, and started to arrange all her tests for her. So she was happily suprised when her doctor went ahead and did everything for her! What a great doctor she has! I hope she gets approval for this and can get this surgery as soon as possible before insurance companies start cracking down on the requirements for the surgery!
On a happy note for me, I am right now wearing a pair of my husband's shorts and they are only a MEDIUM!!! I couldn't believe my butt fit in them..LOL :) I was pretty happy!
12-17-03 Good morning! Well, not much to update about. I am still waiting until Jan. 9 to see my surgeon about this hernia. Although it is starting to bother me more. And it is getting bigger. The worst is that I am looking bigger in the tummy area than I did before and I was hoping that would not happen. I want to be smaller in my tummy now, not bigger.. (pout pout). But I am hoping that my hernia will also help me to qualify for a tummy tuck too! Boy, my lower stomach looks like a 100 year old witches skin or something. It is all pruny and wrinkly. I hate to look at it, even though it is smaller than ever I remember it..funny how our body image is always staying "fat" in our minds.
12-28-03 Well, Christmas was awesome. I think this was the happiest Christmas of my life! It was funny though, I got an awesome digital camera from my husband and he took this picture of me. Well, when I was looking through the pictures to see if I wanted to delete anything I saw this picture of someone and I was thinking "who is that" and then I looked again and realized it was me! ha ha
Well, the picture above is of me and Chris on Christmas day at his Mom's house. What a happy day! And yesterday I was going to try on these really small size 14 jeans that I bought a couple weeks ago. (by the way, when I bought them, they wouldn't even fit over my hips). Anyway, I tried them on yesterday and I couldn't believe that they fit me now. And so did another pair of 14's.
2-10-04~Well, it has been a while, but I have been doing great! I am continuing to lose weight. I am hoping that I will keep going, but I always have this fear that the losing will just stop any day. I really enjoy taking pictures now. Before, I would hide from the camera if I could. And now, I am taking them all the time. Today is my oldest daughter's 12th birthday! Boy, time sure flies......
3-4-04 It's been a while since I have updated. I have been staying right around 175 now for about a month I think. It is OK though because I have my life back again. I am the "real" me! It's been so long since I have felt like I was happy inside and out. I must say that my life is perfect right now. My kids are great, my husband is the best!!! And here I am, healthier than I have been since I was a teenager. In fact, I feel like a teenager. My life with my husband is so great too! We are both just like we were when we first met. He makes me so happy now. He even did something special last week. He told me he was going to write stuff on here about my surgery and the changes that it has brought to our lives. All for the better too! So he has his own profile on here, and he is going to start to record his thoughts and stuff. I don't know how to put a link in here for his web page, but his name is CHRIS WALTERS.
I was reading a couple of my last entries and it is funny that I was talking about being happy to wear a size 14. Now I am wearing 9's and 10's. One of the coolest things is that I can now buy clothes in the same stores as my 12 year old daughter. She is kinda picky about what name brands she wears and I have never been able to go to the mall and buy an expensive pair of jeans or a shirt from one of the "teen" type stores. And now, I go in there all the time, and buy us stuff. I am wearing medium shirts now. I haven't been able to wear a medium since I was like 11 years old I think. I always had big boobs! It is so nice to lose most of them finally. I think that from the moment I started my period and became a woman, I have had enormous breasts! I hate them! LOL And now, when I wear a sports bra, they just look so small and cute. At least, they look that way when they are encased into that bra and under a shirt. Otherwise, they are pretty ugly. Alot of loose skin. I am hoping some of it goes away! Or I will really need a boob job of some kind. They are so mis-shaped now that I don't even know what size bra I wear because I am embarassed to go to the store and carry ten different sizes in to try on! LOL!! I am having a tummy tuck & hernia repair this summer some time, I am hoping that I can get approval for a boob lift or something to be done at the same time. Whatever they have to do to make these puppies stand up a little more..ha ha!! :)
3-8-04~Lately I have been sick alot. I think I had some kind of bad reaction to this terrible yogurt parfait from McDonalds. I ate mostly only the yogurt, not the fruit, and I only had four or five small bites. After the last bite I took, I had a terrible feeling in my gut. I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I have to say that I haven't thrown up that hard at all since my surgery. I was afraid I got food poisoning. That was a week ago, I have felt sick from everything I have eaten since then. I am kind of scared that the terrible puking episode did something bad to my pouch or other part of me in there..LOL
The past weekend, we took a bunch of pictures when we had some friends over. I kept looking at these pictures and they just didn't look like me. I can't help but feel weird about it. Who is that person that I am looking at? I feel like a stranger when I see myself in a picture.
3-29-04 Well, I am now in the 150's!!! 159, but still...the 150's!! I put on a pair of 8 JR. shorts yesterday and they fit!!! I have never worn an 8 before in my life! Well, maybe when I was ten or something. But still, I was really happy. I took a picture of it also, and am putting it on here today. I also took some pictures at the park yesterday. And I am changing my before and after pictures today too. It is a beautiful day today, my husband is off today and we are going to have FUN~!
4-6-04~I have been feeling great for the most part. My hernia gives me alot of sick feelings after I eat. Otherwise, it is doing pretty good. The strangest things have been happening lately though. In the last two weeks, I have had about ten people tell me that I am "skinny" and need to eat more!!! Even my seven year old daughter called me skinny last night!! I mean, I am still in the 150's. It isn't like I am wasting away or anything. And I see places on my body that will be getting smaller still. Am I just seeming to be smaller because of my height..at nearly 5'10" I guess I might seem skinnier that someone else at my weight. I just never thought someone would call me "skinny" especially when I am not even under 150 yet. Oh well, I think I look good, and so does my husband!
4-10-04 Hi! I just put on some new pictures of my best friend on her profile..her name is Tina Lee, and I don't have the link to put in here, but she is pre op and waiting anxiously for her surgery!
4-3-04~Hello! Well, I am getting a little tired of hearing everyone call me "skinny" every day. LOL :) I never thought I would hear me called skinny. But I don't feel "skinny" inside. Weird. I sometimes feel like people are making fun of me. At least my husband is still turned on by me.. yippee.. :) I feel tired lately. I am going on the sixth to Detroit to see the plastic surgeon finally!!! Please pray that it is done quickly and that my insurance covers it and it all goes smoothly! I can't afford to pay cobra again..ouch! $823.00 a month is way too high for insurance!
5-11-04~Hey everyone! What a beautiful morning here! I am feeling full of energy today for some reason. Which is good, as I don't really know why I have been really really tired lately. I have been falling asleep in the afternoons for a nap and this is something I don't normally do. I just got so darn tired my eyes even water if I don't close them.
I have been feeling so happy with life lately. Everything just seems to get better and better for my personal life. Kind of sucks that my husband lost his job last month! But he is taking care of me right now and we are just lucky that we have some money saved up and can do this. He is having to take me to Detroit every week for appointments and my surgery is coming up also. Plus, like I said, I have been tired alot and need his help right now. I just want to have this tummy tuck/hernia repair done quickly. It just sticks out so far at my belly button now, and I have lost so much weight in that area that I look pregnant. I am tired of wearing body suits to hold in my gut! I feel almost "fatter" in my tummy area than I did when I was 293 pounds because at least then my whole tummy was big. Now I just have this disgusting huge lump in the middle! It feels like a little foot or something like I really am pregnant. I just hate it! And some days I can eat good and on the next meal I eat a couple bites and my tummy just sticks out farther where that food is at and hurts and makes me nausiated after that. There are good moments and bad moments every day. Luckily all the good things in my life outweigh the bad moments. And I am just hoping that this surgery will get rid of a lot of my bad moments. Wish me luck as my surgery date is supposed to be within the next two to three weeks. I am still hoping they can do it before the end of May as my Cobra insurance is only good through the end of the month! EVERYONE PRAY FOR A DATE IN MAY AND NOT JUNE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!! :)
5-24-04~Hello!! I got a date for my hernia repair & tummy tuck! It will be done on Tuesday...MAY 25!! YUP..TOMMORROW!! Well, I am really nervous. And I guess someone must have prayed for me to have my surgery THIS month. Because he scheduled if for me special because of my COBRA insurance. I guess he is a pretty special doctor after all. I just wish someone else has had a tummy tuck by Dr. Gursel in Detroit and could tell me about their experience. But I can't even find him on here at all either. Oh well, my hernia will not hurt anymore or stick out like I am pregnant. And I will have my nice tummy tuck soon! hooray! I can't wait to get rid of this skin that just hangs here and bothers me! But I am still nervous! Really scared. I know they will have to give me some shot to calm my nerves before surgery. Or I will wind up just running out of the surgery room with my fears! Pray that everything goes good. I am just praying that this will be my last surgery to deal with my WLS. I want to not have to worry about anything every again. I want to be able to exercise normally and work out better without this hernia. I am finally beginning to feel "NORMAL" on the outside. It is hard to feel this way. But I am so happy and so "complete". I love life. I love MY life. I love ME and I love my husband and family. If anything happens to me during this surgery I just hope they all know how important they all are to me now and forever. I am just grateful to have had all this time so far to feel normal again. Thank you AMOS family for all your support. I love you all also. You have all been lifesavers for me.
6-5-04~Hello! Well, I had my hernia repair/tummy tuck on May 25! It was a success and I feel GREAT!!! I am a bit swollen and I gained about 10 pounds. But I have since lost most of that and can fit in my old pants already. I just don't feel comfortable wearing them as they are still a bit tight around the stitches. The doctor left my stitches and drains in an extra week...BOO!!!!! But it was worth it. Hopefully this Thursday they will remove all of that! It really hurts around the drains!
6-12-04 ~ Well, I still have the drains in. They are supposed to remove them now on Monday. And for some unknown reason, they left about a third of my stitches in!! And after 16 days, the ones they took out hurt SOOOOOOO bad!!! It was like just pulling off my skin or something. OUCH! I am still terrified of them taking out my drains! I just know they will hurt even more
6-27-04 ~ It has officially been a whole year since I had surgery! And what an awesome experience this has been! I just wish everyone who could use this tool to improve their health and their life could have the surgery. I am just so happy now, I am actually living a REAL life now!!!
My tummy tuck scar is getting better. Three days ago, I was having pain in my incision and I checked it out. I found TWO seperate places that the doctor left my stitches in! OOPS!!
I couldn't believe it! And one of them had the knot INSIDE of me! I had to yank it out!!! My husband was too afraid to hurt me to take it out and I was too scared to go back to that idiot who took out my stitches... (or so I thought)... And so I just did it! I did shrink a bit already in my waist. I went from a size six to a four now. As long as it is not with a waist that is at my belly button...that hurts, so it has to be low cut jeans or very high cut ones...cause the waist just irritates my button too much in the middle. Hubby keeps saying that I am so "narrow" now...I still feel fat inside though. I keep imagining fat rolls where there aren't any. Hopefully it goes away soon.
9-2-04~Well, I am finding myself having to sleep with a pillow hugged to my middle now! I have to have my tummy back to feel comfy when I sleep. hee hee! But I would rather sleep with my pillow at night then to have the actual stomach back. :) I am still having numbness in my stomach after the tummy tuck. It is like my skin is asleep or something weird. Oh well, I love it and am so glad I had it done!
Life is great! I am starting a new job on Tuesday, and it is a GOOD job too! Good pay, and good benefits. I haven't had a job in years and I am soooo happy!!! And to have it actually be a job that I will love and make good money at also is just so awesome! I think it is my new self confidence that let me get this as I had to go through five separate interviews to get the job and also numerous telephone conversations as well! And I passed them all!! YIPPEE!!!
(thanx for all the help Tina..:) )
My brother got married in July. I was a bride's maid. I thought I looked great! I felt proud of my looks that day! In fact, my oldest daughter took a picture of my husband and I all dressed up in our gown and tux, and it is the best picture of us EVER! I will have to get my scanner going so I can post it on here.
Oh, and my new weight now is exactly 140. I keep losing weight, and I eat eat eat lately. But it seems to be helping me as I have not gained anything at all since my surgery and continue losing. I still rely on old fashioned food to get my protein in. I do not buy protein shakes, never have, nor do I buy bars. I can't stand the taste of them and the price of protein now is unreal! I would rather eat cottage cheese and meat than a protein bar anyday! I eat real food and I eat well. I love this tool, and I use it properly! I am so glad I had this surgery, it is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
9-20-04~Well, I am still staying right at 140. No changes. Maybe this is just my ideal weight. But I am still losing around my butt and thighs. I am just wondering when that nasty wrinkly skin in my inner thighs will shrink..LOL..probably never..but I don't care that much..I look awesome in my jeans so it's OK! Short shorts are a no no still! My tummy is looking wonderful. My belly button is cute and my scars are kind of fading a little. I can't believe I actually have a flat stomach, and even a waist to be proud of when my husband touches it! No more having to suck in that gut. It's funny because I can't even stick out my belly if I wanted to! I tried and it just isn't there to stick out! YIPPEE!!!
My best friend TINA LEE is having her surgery on Oct. 22! Just a month or so away! She has been waiting for so long! I can't wait to have someone close to me to talk to about this every day! I am sure she will do awesome with the surgery!
I had a scare the other day at the hospital! I had to go to the emergency room. I really thought I had a blocked bowel or something like that. It hurt SO bad...like labor pains but in a different spot. It went right through me to my back even! I couldn't even stand up strait for three days! They checked for leaks there, but they are not so familiar with my surgery in this town, so they sent me home with pain pills and zantac. Like I had heartburn. They kept asking me if it was just heartburn. I was like...NO!!! I DON'T GET THAT ANYMORE!! LOL ... Oh well...I am getting better now, although I haven't been eating since then hardly at all. I just hurts when I do eat and my tummy swells up when I eat a meal so I have just been snacking a little at a time throughout the day. Hopefully this goes away soon!
9-28-04~I saw my regular Doctor yesterday. He is sending me to have a CT scan of my back and checking me for Lupus AGAIN. I am borderline..as of 8 months ago, and he thinks it is Lupus that is giving me problems in my back. It really runs in my family and I have tried to ignore it because I have been scared of getting it my whole life. My grandma has it, both of her sisters died because of it, three of my aunts have it, and so do two of my cousins. So it is really scaring me alot. I am hoping it is just arthritis in my back and not anything else!! Wish me luck!
11-22-04~what's up!?#?!@?# Nothing much here. My job is kind of stressing me out lately but I am dealing with it. I have a lot of rude people that I work with. It is funny how I have noticed certian people who actually treat me like I have a disease now since they have found out I had WLS. It is like my old obesity is going to jump out and get them or something and they treat me like a plague. Before they found out, they were talking about going out together somenight after work and hanging out. Since I showed them some old pictures of myself they have suddenly treated me totally different. No more talking about going out or inviting me to lunch with them anymore. I was so happy when I started my new job. I had all these new friends and I had so much fun. And now they treat me so much differently. I guess I can't leave this prejudice behind me even after I am a normal weight.
To make matters worse, I was supposed to go with my best friend Tina last month to have her WLS. I had the day off and was ready to go with her and she had to cancel the surgery because the surgeon had another emergency surgery to do. So she was rescheduled and I had to go out of town for training for work and couldn't be there with her. And what happens??? She chickened out and stopped it after they had put in the IV and everything..she was one step away from changing her life forever and got scared. I feel somehow like I took a part of her life away from her. I blame myself for not being there by her side to encourage her so she wasn't so afraid. I could have given her the pep talk just before she went back and she didn't get it. I cried and cried when I found out. I guess you have to live through the differences that this surgery brings to your life to understand how I feel. I want EVERYONE who has this terrible disease obesity to be able to live a normal life free of taunts and stares. A life free of pain due to the weight, a time you can climb ten flights of stairs and just feel good instead of trying to hide the loss of breath that you have when you are obese. I guess I blame myself for taking that chance away from her in some way. Even though she made the final decision I know that I could have made a difference somehow and I will never forgive myself for this ever.
January 1,2005~HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
If this next year is as great as the last one, everything will be awesome!!! I can't remember being happier than I was this past year ever in my life!!
The only thing hard on me right now is my job. It is very stressful and is really taking it's toll on me right now. But it is SO hard to find good employment around here right now and so I am very thankful that I have a good paying job. It is just making me very grouchy and tired and I don't like this feeling inside me. I like to be happy and have fun, not be worn down by stress and headaches and tiredness. I literally have been falling asleep on the couch at night and when my husband wakes me up I am talking about work in my sleep to him!! It is getting bad!! Hopefully now that Christmas is over it will get better. And we are getting a new supervisor on Monday so I am really hoping he will make things less stressful here for all of us!!
Other than that, everything in my life is great! Although I would rather be at home right now instead of here at work on new year's day!! ggggggrrrrrr!!!! It is dead here and so quiet, and there are only a couple people here with me today and it is almost creepy!!
2-21-05~Hello! There's not much different with me. The only thing is that I couldn't keep working. In my last post, I said I was getting a new supervisor, well, I did and he was just awful! I also got very ill during that time and my stress level was so high I couldn't handle it. My husband is so glad I am not working there anymore. He said I was a totally different person and I agree. I feel free now!! It is great!
Lately, I have been worrying a little bit about my weight and appearance though. I am a tall person, and weigh 133 now at 5'10". I sometimes look in the mirror and all I see are these bones everywhere. I don't want to appear sickly or anything. And I guess I feel a little strange because I have met a few WLS patients over the last couple months at different gatherings, and none of them are what I would even call a normal weight yet. Most of them are still a bit "pudgy" even a few years after their surgery. NOT that I am saying that rudely, as I was an obese person for many years, as was my father. I guess what is bothering me is that I just wonder why some of us don't really ever become "thin" no matter what and others seem to just evaporate into almost nothing. I eat, eat, eat all the time also. I don't excessively exercise and I cheat all the time. I can eat almost anything except high fat foods and cheap ice cream. But I don't gain, and I feel so small now. Maybe WLS patients will always have a weird body image of themselves or something. But I guess sometimes I feel like I am lucky in my choice of doctors as well. I mean, could the difference in the way our bodies react to WLS be due to the doctor that performs the surgery itself. Do some doctors just do something a little different that helps out more than other doctors. I mean, there is this one guy that I became friends with. He is still like 250 pounds plus, and it has been over 5 years for him. He eats like a giant pig now and eats twice what my husband could eat and my husband didn't even have gastric bypass surgery. He said he could eat that way after a year. I don't know why anyone would go through all this and just eat that way and sabotage themselves anyway, but he did, and the thing is that I still can't eat a whole kid's sized meal all at once unless I eat it over like an hour's time slowly and drink with the meal. So it makes me wonder if his surgery was done right as he has obviously stretched his pouch. But no matter what I do, I could NEVER have been able to eat like that after WLS.
Sorry to be rambling, I am just feeling a little chatty today. Time to go read the message boards... :)
4-7-05~Hello! Well, there is not much to say about my surgery or weight loss as I am still maintaining at 140. But I am hoping I don't gain any weight as I have said goodbye to my husband today for 2 1/2 months. He relocated to Florida due to his employment. He is coming back in June to pick up me and our girls, but I can't even imagine 2 months without him. We have been together since we were teenagers, and have never been apart for longer than a week and a half due to work training out of town. He is all I know about living. I don't know how to exist without him here with me. I don't want to start "grazing" because my nerves are so bad. I can't explain the terror that I feel just knowing that I won't see him for over 2 months. I know that isn't a real long time. But I have depended on him as my support system and he won't be here with me. He is my strength and I can't imaging living every day without seeing his face and sleeping next to him. I know he will be calling me every day several times, but it is just not the same as having him here with me. I just need him so much. I have been crying all week and tonight I am still crying. He is my best friend, and I don't know if I can make it for even that short amount of time without him. I thought I was going to die when we said goodbye today. He hugged me so tight I hope I can feel his arms around me like that until I see him again. Please think of me in your prayers because I will need all the strength I can get from all of you!!
4-10-05~Well, today I just fell in love with my husband all over again!! I never would have thought he could make my heart melt more than he does every day already. This afternoon, he called me from Florida and was miserable. He said he couldn't be away from me, and that he was dying inside after just those few days. He is currently driving back home and we decided not to move. It is just not right for us. We are not meant to be apart I guess. He will be home tommorrow evening. I can't wait to see him. But he just proved to me yet again how much he loves me. And I am so happy to live my life with such a wonderful man!
And I lost more weight this week also. I am now 134 pounds. I was so nervous, I couldn't eat much because my stomach was so nauseated. I didn't think I would lose more, but I did. And I really don't want to lose anymore. Now that Chris is coming back, I am so happy inside. I was miserable without him too. It's so amazing to know that we can't even be apart for a few days without feeling dead inside. What a wonderful life I have now! I love everything about it!!! :)
6-12-05~Well, I will be starting physical therapy for my back this Wednesday. It has really been hurting more lately. I have bad arthritis which for some reason my weight loss has actually made it hurt MORE than before surgery. I guess it is just adjusting to my new posture. I do stand straiter now and hold my head up higher when I walk, so I guess that could be part of it too! I am just hoping this helps out some.
My new job driving around in my little truck all day is s0000 awesome! I have so much fun every day there!
October 8,2005~Well, I have been kind of down lately. My step-brother in law passed away on Sept. 19. He was only 30. He had brain cancer, and it was just emotionally devastating for me. His wife is having such a terrible time and it is just the most awful thing I have ever went through to watch her pain these past couple months as she knew he was going fast. She is like a real sister to me, and to lose your husband that young is just awful. They have been together since they were teenagers. I just keep putting myself in that position and imagining what it would be like to go through that and I don't want to have to do it ever. I can only pray that I go before my husband. I don't know if I could do it. And I am very proud of her for making it this far. She spent every minute with him at his side for months and months and did nothing but love him and it is just so sad for all of us. They never got to have children either. She is one of the reasons I had this surgery because her mother in law and brother in law both had it and they were the only people I ever knew that had it done and she talked to me about it and really helped me to change my life. I can only hope that I can be there to help her whenever I can during this awful time. My husband is having a terrible time also because they grew up together and played football together and were only a month apart and went to the same school their whole life.
So he is more emotional than I have ever seen him after this. It is kind of hard for us all right now as we all seem to have this terrible death cloak over us. Hopefully things will brighten up soon.
10-13-06~Hello again...it's been just over a year since I updated. I haven't been that great cause of the great sadness we are all still living through. It hit me SOOOO hard. Like a whole year gone and I don't know where it went. But this week I am doing so much better than I have this past year. I just was so depressed it made me physically ill. My husband was literally afraid I would die. I couldn't eat very much and I got real sickly looking. But I am all better now! I am happier now than ever. I had to quit working cause I was so sick. But Chris takes care of me and I don't have to worry about anything. He is so great!!
