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As soon as the darkness falls - my cravings go mad! I'm finding that at Night - I am StARVING - whether real or imaginary and  it is all I can do to not rip the crackers out of the cabinet and shove them all down my throat. It's torture.
I'm also finding that I'm mindlessly tasting my kids' food as I'm preparing their dinners. I caught myself last night with a spoonful of mashed potato as I swallowed it.. not good. I'm going to have to be aware of the unconscious nibbles - especially at night.
This is my first weekend at home and I'm really nervous. I've stocked up on protein shakes, string cheese, yogurt, sugar-free jello, chicken broth, eggs, lettuce, and collard greens - I'm hoping to just make it through this weekend without going carb-crazy. I'm making a plan to exercise as well  - so I'm going to the gym at 10 this morning, and then I'm going to help my mother move - which will make me even MORE stressed out and craving carbs. I'm hoping that if I just exhaust myself - then when I get home tonight, I'll fall into bed and not worry about the carbs lurking in the cabinet.
This is hard. It's not just a quick fix - it's a whole lifestyle change. I've decided that once a month - One time a month - I will allow myself a carb day - and that will be ok. Who knows - maybe on that day, I will find I don't want it - but one time a month - for a birthday party, for a celebration, for a date night - it will be ok to have carbs. I will allow myself bread on that day.
I've got my daughter's b-day at the end of the month - I think that will be my carb day.

I am SO proud of me! I'm allowed to say that, right? I went to the gym this morning - had a banana on the way there, since it was about a 30 minute drive. Got to the gym and ACTUALLY did an entire run/walk for day 1 of the couch to 5k. I am so proud of myself. I have attempted it before, but have given up by the 3rd or 4th set. But, I downloaded a pretty good podcast, and it really helped. Course, I had coffee this morning - and then went out to lunch and had half a greek grilled chicken salad. But - still it's better than eating Mcdonald's or something for lunch - which is what I typically do. I'm glad. It's a cruddy day here in the office, so it's hard for me to stay positive. I just have to stay focused on the exercise accomplishment that I did - and keep on keeping on.

Well - Since it's a new year and I'll be 36 in a couple of days - I figured it's about time I become grown up enough to finally take control over my life. I know - New Years resolutions aside - I mean it. I decided a couple of things over my holiday break - and my self confidence and ability to be the best person I can be - are going to have to be looked in to pretty thoroughly.
My mom and I don't get along. She's crazy - and I have to realize that I can't control what she does any more. I can only control how much I have her in my life and how her crazy effects me. So - since she's moving this weekend, after it's all said and done - she'll become this random insane person that I occassionally have contact with - but otherwise, she's dead to me. I told my hubby this over the weekend and of course, he gets this look in his eyes like I have lost my own mind - and I quickly add that I don't want to KILL the woman - just to pretend that for all intensive purposes, she's dead - so I can break ties and move on with my life.
Step 2 will be going to a psychiatrist to get my head in order
Step 3 is going to be working out and trying to get healthy.
So I had gastric bypass done in 2003 - and 6 years post surgery, I'm still a carb fiend who grazes all day long and doesn't exercise. I've GOT to stop that or else I am just going to continue to gain back the weight. I've put on 40 pounds. Having 3 kids is no excuse.
Day one - I need to learn to love me. I am worth it. Despite what the crazy old lady in my life says.