Heyy....slow down

Aug 11, 2011

 Well, I studied, researched, printed up all the info and went to my PCP.  I think I've said before that she is all for me getting this surgery, but WOW.  I asked her if she knew anything at all about the DS procedure, to which she looked at me blankly and said "Noooo....what is that"?  So of course, I pulled out all the printed info that I was carrying in my O2 bag and she glanced over it and stuck it in my chart.  That kinda bummed me out, so I started talking and going into detail and she said..."Look....I'm ok with ANY kind of WLS that you want.  I'll read up on this a little later......what do you need to do?"

I know that Bluecare wants 6 months of a doctor supervised diet.  Well, I know for a fact, that she and I have been discussing my diet and carbs and sugar for a while now.  I've had about 25 lbs of unexplained weight loss over the past 6 month...well, I guess it can be explained, because I NEVER touch cola's any more and rarely sugar because my diabetes has been so out of control.  Any how, she tells me that she's going to go over the charts and see just how many months that we can claim as being "dr supervised" and have I ever had diabetic counseling.  I also told her about this RETARDED pain management place that I had been to, how they had insisted I needed to have these "fills" put into my knees for 16 weeks because of the severe arthritis I have.  Let me tell you.....I think I've stated before that I'm a HUGE chicken when it comes to docs and needles.  I had a steroid injection one week and nearly had a heart attack...not really, but I was scared to death, and that was even AFTER I had taken three nerve pills.  The next week they want to put some kind of foam stuff in my knees to cushion the cartilage inside my knees.  Me...being the dumbass I can sometimes be, went ahead with it.  OMG....it wasn't pain exactly, but alot of pressure, and just the thought of it while I was lying there, was making me sick at my stomach.  The nurse kept patting my hand and telling me I was doing sooo good in that sickening sweet voice some of them use.....I told her that was as good as I was going to be...and if they didn't hurry the hell up, I would more than likely be in the county jail.  She laughed.  Grrrrrrrrr.....then says..."Ohhh Mrs. Shelton, you're too nice to ever do something like that".......REALLY?  I glared at her and said...."If you could read my mental papers, you wouldn't be thinking so...."  After the proceedure, they tell me that I'm going to need NINE fills in each freakin knee.  Nope....don't think so.  Nothing is going to help my knees but to lose weight.  It doesn't make sense to me to have 18 more fills done over 18 weeks, and then have to turn around and do it all over again in a year.  BULLSHIT.  I have degenerative bone disease, losing weight is the only thing that can help me and THEN I'll need knee replacements.  Soooo....jmo, but it makes more sense to concentrate on the WLS surgery than to have those injections.  I told the doc all of this and she couldln't believe they were doing it.  I also told her they ahd taken her pain script and written me one for two weeks instead of monthly and were not wanting to give me my xrays.  Of course....me calling the little blond bimbo in the office a "TWIT" might not have helped, but still......

Anyway, me and the doc start talking about the PT that the pain management place had offered....which is why I had went in the first place....so she wanted to set me up to see if they could do anything I wasn't already doing in my pool at home.  She doubted it, but said it could only help with the insurance stuff up ahead.  My pcp appt was last week.....and now I have two appts set up with a diabetic nutrionist and PT.  That was fast.....geeeeesh  I think she knew that I'm on a bipolar "upswing" and decided she better keep me going...LOL  Anyway, I'm tickled that she's on board with me about the WLS, an d she told me to let her know about anything I find out I'll need.  I go back in a couple of weeks and I'm going to see if we can go ahead and start with the other testing I know I'm going to need.  I've had some heart tests in the past...but they'll probably want current stuff, so I guess I'll get greased up and ready for the "fat woman in the donut hole" again.   Yayyyy....fun, fun, fun....


The battle with my smoking is continuing.  I say this, as I sit here and puff on one of my "limited" cigarettes.  I've tried to cut wayyy back, and I do well......right up until my nerves start jumping.  I LOVE smoking.  I know I shouldn't....I know it's kiling me, but I enjoy it so much.  I HAVE to get more proactive about stopping.  I'm wayyy more disciplined when it comes to cutting out bad stuff from my diet than I am about the cigs.  Such bullshit.  It makes me so mad at myself that I am so very weak in this particular area.  I can't breathe.....I don't have the money for the damn things to begin with, I know I have to stop before the surgery and yet I still want one.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr......I wish I could just sleep through a few weeks and be done with the "addiction".  I pray every time I light one up that God will let it make me sick or something, so I won't want one anymore.  I have nerve pills out the wahoolie....but for some reason, my warped mind thinks that taking THOSE, makes me weak.  OMG....can I get any more crazy???  Never mind God....I didn't really ask that......  I was told back in November, when I got pneumonia, that if I didn't stop, I wouldn't make through this coming year with my breathing.  Did I stop?  NOPE.  I did cut back from a 3 pack a day habit....down to abouit half of that, but now I'm just trying to maintain at one pack a day.  I am soooo frustrated with it.  I know it sounds completely crazy to keep smoking with all of the health issues I have, but I think I have an emotional attachment to the damn things.  Over the years when everything has been going crazy with the old man and kids, my cigs have been there....it's the one constant in my life.  Its there when I need it.....and my family RUNS if I am out.  How crazy is it to let something as big as your little finger control so many parts of your life???  I vow that today I'm going to find something to do with my hands besides hold a damn cigarette.  Anyone reading this...if anyone does....pray, pray and pray some more.  I HAVE TO STOP......I want this surgery MORE than I want a cigarette...ok, most of the time....so I have to get hard on myself....TODAY.

My surgery seminar is tommorrow in Nashville with Dr. Houston....I'm so nervous about all of it.  What if, for some reason, he doesn't want to do the DS on me?  I have a BMI of 55.9 which is what they want.....but still.....I'm a firm believer in Murphy's Law, so it makes me kinda nuts worrying about it.  I really believe that the DS is what will work for me, and I"m not rich, and I don't have any way of coming up with money to do it somewhere else, so it's kinda important to me that he'll do it.  I don't even know for sure what I need to do next....after the seminar.  Where do I go from there?  My husband....who is an ass in general...is all for it.  Well....I need to clarify that.  He wants me to live, but I can tell he has concerns about me being thin.  I'm very outgoing as a rule and he is a jealous type.....has been even while I'm fat.  He does know though, that he can't control me, so I think that's what has him worried.  He will no longer have to "take care of me" if I have this surgery...so where does that leave him?  My youngest son keeps teasing him and telling him I'll be dancing on every bar table in town....don't you just love kids???  LOL  I'm not a cheater.....I believe when you take a vow, you keep it.  I took vows 22 years ago and I meant every word....I'd never do it again, but the old man and I have survived stuff that would have killed most people and he's still the sexiest thing in the world to me, so that has to say something.  LOL  Ok...gonna shut up with the mushy stuff......

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