WantedToBeSkinny

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I'm a 43 yrs old ( I hate the word "old") woman. Painting is one of the greatest joys in my life right now. Sitting in front of an empty sheet of paper and letting my mind create a picture from nothing is the ultimate "high" for me . Besides my love of the arts ,I'm also the mother of four and grandmother of two. I'm married to my high school sweetheart who has loved me at many weights. Since the age of 8 I have been overweight and have d everything about me . Being obese can be a very lonely and painful existence . No one truly understands the emotional pain as well as the physical pain of this disease unless you suffer from it as well.

Having tried every diet known to man , I finally figured out that no diet was ever going to work. If a diet did work it never lasted long and afterwards I got bigger than when I started. I found this web site about 6 months ago and started reading the success stories .For the first time in my life I believed that I too could be a success story one day ! My friend who has also had the surgery led me to this site and Amanda I thank you so much ! Also I wish to Thank Theresa who from the very start sent me free of charge a packet with everything that there is to know about WLS. Then there was Wendy who lives closer to me and she has been a wealth of information as well and an inspiration to me. Thank you my angel friends !

 

August 19 2002 I have been getting the doctor referrals, the medical tests , my PCP approval for the surgery and some of the other things I might need to make this happen. On Nov 12th I have a doctor consult to discuss the surgery. I can't believe I'm finally doing this .
My stats are as follows:
1. My weight is 270 lbs and I'm 5'7” (Not my heaviest though , that was 310 lbs in Dec of 2000.)
2. My co morbidities are : bad knees , disc degeneration in my back , bad feet, excessive breast size causing bad posture and additional back pain , carpal tunnel, swelling in my legs, problems breathing and walking .

 

9/24/2002 Today I had my psych evaluation and guess what the doctor refused to sign permission because I had problems with post traumatic stress disorder and because I told her I believed in spirits warning us of impending trouble. This is my cultural belief but this doctor gave me meds for psychotic episodes. I'm not psychotic , talk about a misdiagnosis! The doctor prescribed an anti-psychotic medication for me and this is only after meeting me once. Then she tells me that I don't weigh enough, can you believe that ? Sometimes I think these doctors are crazier than the people they claim to treat. Ok enough of my complaining "if I can't climb the mountain I'll go around it but I'm not giving up ! 10/19/02 Went to see the second pysch doctor explained the mix up and he gave me the ok to proceed with surgery. He even laughed when I explained what his colleague had said about me and asked me "when did you go to medical school to diagnose yourself ?" Who knows maybe there's a future doctor here :)I believe in standing up for myself . Translated into plain English "Bitchology 101"

 

9/26/02 Today I got a call from a doctor who is willing to see me in October for a consultation instead of my waiting until November for the other one. He is Dr Noel Williams and I'm going to go see him. I've read a lot of good things about him and just on that alone I think I'll like him. I want to be free from this prison that's called my " body!" Will this ever happen or will my life continue to be a "waking nightmare !"

10/21/02 Had my consult today with Dr Noel Williams. His office was packed with other desperate looking people, I wasn't alone. The people seemed to be like the damned who were waiting for their salvation .It took an hour just to see the dietician who told me the Dr couldn't accept any of my information that I came with. After having my gastroenterologist test done , psych evaluation, dietician report all done at my local hospital I was told I would have to see his people at "an additional cost for the same tests !" I was furious talk about trying to play on peoples pain. I can't afford to pay for the additional fee's. I mean my insurance will cover the surgery and consult fee but I then have to fork out more to his "other colleagues?" I mean what am I supposed to say , "no thanks let's just forget about it" !( like that's going to happen )Ok enough of my "complaining". I'll just pray harder !After meeting Dr Williams though, he seemed very distant and busy. He came in the room and said "I'm going to explain what I'm going to do so your going to have to listen ." Now any other Dr I would've said "wait a minute buddy you don't talk like that to me " but I maintained and paid attention. He drew us(my daughter and I) a diagram of what the surgery did to the stomach and asked if we had any questions which he did answer very straight forward for me. I was put off by what I thought was a "coldness" but he was very busy too , so I didn't want to count him out just yet. I mean we all have our bad days and maybe this was his.

 

10/22/02 After the Dr's consult I couldn't sleep. I emailed the doctor's nurse today to see if I could plead my case and ask them to reconsider and accept my information because my local dr's know more about me than someone just meeting me for the first time. They said they will look it over and let me know. After about two weeks they agreed to accept it. God is truly good !

11/15/03 I'm so nervous , this waiting thing is really hard but what can you do , will they deny me or approve me ? Will they deny me several times and put up this enormous battle ? We'll have to wait and see.....God grant me the patience that I now need.

 

 

 11/20/02 "At Last I've Got A Date , Jan 2nd 2003 !!!!!!!!!" I happened to check the emails today even though I was going to wait until tomorrow but something kept telling me to check .There was a note from Dr. Williams office telling me I had been "Approved !!!!!!!!!!!!" God has come through for me once again ! Never give up and believe "the only thing that God can't do is "fail".

 

11/22/02 I have seen some people write down a list of things they want to do after losing the weight so I decided it time for me to do it too !My list has moved below to post-op 6/4/03 and I'm enjoying tearing down this list of things ! Keep reading ...........

December 2,2002 - It's 30 days and counting now before I become "reborn". I have already started packing and doing the "just in case letters" this was hard to do . Now anxiety is starting to get the best of me until a voice said to me "he will not suffer thy foot to be moved, he will preserve thy going out and coming in from this time forth and forever more ! Hearing this gave me such a renewed spirit and I can't wait for the transformation to begin. I'll take God into surgery with me and either way I know that he'll protect me.

12/08/02 I'm really looking forward to my surgery and that's partially due to some really great people who've enlightened me as to why I have nothing to fear from moving forward in my life. My darling cousin in Florida recommended a book called "The Power Of Your Words" by E.W.KENEYON and another book called "Your Body Believes Everything You Say " by Barbara Levine. Now both of these books deal with the fact that if you think something long enough , the body will pick up on it and behave accordingly. Look at senior citizens who stay active into their 80's - these are the people who have lived their lives with such a positive attitude that the didn't age like their peers did. It's that body ,mind and spirit thing that all working together that I believe can keep us well. This has helped calm my fears and made me realize that I have to reassure my body that it'll be ok . If you don't believe in this , that's fine but think about what I've said .Positive thinking and a belief in God will see you through.

Now here are some things I'm going to miss about being overweight. I want to make a list that I can come back and look at next December.(so I don't miss them so much :o)

1. I'll really miss being called "maam" by some young man at the store. Maybe they'll ask me for my senior citizens card soon.
2 . Being mistaken for my 37 yr old sisters mother when I'm 43. This has happened so often I don't even bother to protest.
3. Walking into a regular size clothing store and having the sales say "there's also a plus size store in this mall too" while shopping for my sister or daughter.
4. I will always miss going to the Dr's and having them try to do a rectal exam and have them find the wrong entrance " hey stupid , that's not it !" This is a classic.
5. Oh boy this is one of my favorites too. Walking around and having breast sweat pour from underneath my . Talk about a self cooling system. By the way don't try to sneak and wipe it away , you'll be checked for smuggling out a roast from the store !
6. How about this one , this is another classic. Going out to eat in a resturant and having ly silence engulf the room as you lift your fork to your mouth ...."oh my bad ,that's right I'm not supposed to eat with other human beings !"
7.Maybe some of you can understand this one. Walking with a skirt or shorts on , the shorts get wedged in places that most would never venture and there's no polite way of removing it. Then a skirt allows my thighs to rub together so much I could light a grill with the sparks. Really gonna miss that burning sensation a lot.
8. Riding my bike and having cars following me because they don't believe "the fat chick "can really ride one. Total strangers would forget where they were going just to follow my ass on the bike ." I became the Pied Biker !"
9. Then there's the joy of getting "winded " as you walk. That heavy deep breathing isn't just used for people ! I do it all the time just for the hell of it and because I want to be followed around the mall by the paramedics.
10. Being seen in a bathing suit at the beach or local pool. I'll miss the stares of the many women who were looking at me like I had some disease that they didn't want to catch. "Yes being around me will cause you to be fat too !" They stare and I think to myself "honey just give it a few years and you'll look like this too!"Now let's not forget the men and their stares as they point you out to their girlfriends saying "you better not ever look like that ." Ah such comforting words from the public !
There's 26 days and counting.....

12/9/02 Today was the big "Barium Swallow Test . Now not being of a medical background I thought ,how hard can it be to swallow something ? Then they give me a gallon of this white chalky , sludgy, thick chalky tasting stuff and told me to drink it straight down. Ok I'm a good sport so I managed to get it down .Then they gave me something that they warned was going to make me burp and then told me "don't burp !" Ok I'm still thinking no more of the yucky stuff ,lets just maintain and get this over with. The Dr had me rolling around on the table like a seal to get the stuff mixed up in my stomach , what the heck now am I a blender? So ok I'm still thinking I'm out of here in a few minutes lets deal with it but then they handed me about another 5-8 oz cups more of the delicious liquid ! Finally are about 40 mins they said "you can go , try to drink a lot of water and the barium may cause you to be constipated !" Don't you just love these people. Then they ask me if I was hungry as I walked out of the door, I said sarcastically "not anymore !!!!!!"
Then after leaving the office I proceeded to vomit off and on for the next 5 hrs. So if anyone says Barium Swallow test, run the other way as fast as your feet will take you . My Dr. wanted this test to check the condition of my stomach prior to surgery and now I don't think I have one left !

 

 

 

12/14/02- 17 days and counting. I'm still nervous and I can't explain why. I have had surgeries before so this isn't the unknown for me. One of the things that I'm scared of is the fact that my husband won't be with me. He is my rock and the thought of waking up and not seeing him near me scares me. I want to have him there to comfort me when I wake up .Then if I don't wake up I want him to be with me at the end just in case. We have 3 other kids at home that he has to be there for and I know I'm being a big baby ! 

12/15/02 Saw my therapist yesterday and explained about the fear and concern about the surgery . I told him I knew I was obsessing about something that I didn't need to and asked him for something to calm my nerves. He prescribed Klonipin a medicine that works to relax you and it's working. I'm so relaxed I'm about to fall asleep sitting here....lol. Well maybe I will go for a nap. Cya guys later. Take care and Godbless you all.

12/21/02 The day is getting closer and closer. I read the many posts each day of the before and afters and mine can't come soon enough. Yes I'm still nervous but I want to get this show on the road. I have a lot of living to do ! I want to climb mountains, ride my mountain bike for miles, swim 25 laps a day , weight train and run as if though the devil himself was on my heels !I want to feel like a butterfly shedding my cocoon and being released from this body .This is what the surgery will give back to me .I want to run like a gazelle on the African plains cruising at high speed. As a child I loved to run and I've never felt so free. God let this be another gift I can reclaim !

12/31/02 It's less than 48 hrs to go until my "rebirth". I'm so looking forward to it but dreading the recovery process because I like being active, this will slow me down for a while :o). My husband is in the hospital for blocked arteries in his legs from diabetes and I'm on my way for this bypass. What a way to start the New Year ! He'll be one place and I'll be the other, just what I always wanted to be separated from my soul mate as the New Year begins. But on a good note at this time next year I won't be morbidly obese. This time next year I'll be thin ! God bless you all and Have a safe and Happy New Year. Good luck to my fellow pre-ops that are scheduled for surgery on Jan 2nd,2003 ,we'll make it to the other side in no time !Please pray for my husband too

1/2/03 I made it too the other side ! This surgery is major surgery and none like any other I've ever had .I was in pain not so much from the surgery but the NG tube made my nose sore and the initial stomach pain was more of a discomfort than anything! They provided me with a Morphine drip button to push and gave me the nurse's call bell too that looked similar. So what did I do , when I felt pain I kept pushing the nurses call bell and since I was so doped up I hadn't realized it. The nurse was so cute and she came in and said "Mrs. Williams you've got the wrong bell "and she handed me the right one .Before I got the right bell ,if someone were to ask me if I'd have the surgery again my answer would've been "hell no! This has to be the "what have I done to myself phase " I'm only 3 days out(1/5/03) and I'm sure things will get better ! Thanks Wendy and Debbie for checking up on me and letting me know you guys cared . Godbless you all .

1/12/03- Today I have been awakened to the fact that food played a big part in my daily pre-op life. The relationship that I could never admit too with food has been put in front of me now since I'm post-op and now have to make a strict choice of what I put into my mouth or body. The loss is similar to having an old friend die and then having to deal with the . Where do you go from here,how do you mourn this loss ? There is no more eating whenever I'm bored or fast food when I'm out. No more ordering just anything to eat, my life is now a conscious decision of food choices and this is frightening to me. Make the wrong choice you suffer ,it's that simple! Make the right choices and you lose the weight, there is no longer the "ease" of "cheating" but I like this safety net. I have always needed a "tool" like this and now I just have to make peace with my new life. It will take a while but I'll do this !

 

 

 

1/15/03- I had a check up with Dr Williams and to have my drain tube removed. When the interns removed the drain tube they warned me "a little pressure" but I felt this tube snaking from around my navel area and as soon as it got to the small hole where it was attached to my abdomen , it felt like they the "Titanic "through with it. Talk about pain I actually quit breathing for a few seconds ! Then Dr Williams came in and asked me how I was and if I had any problems, he was so warm and caring. I looked at him and told him I had no problems but wanted to thank him for saving my life ! He smiled and said keep up the good work (14lbs) and see me in 6-8 weeks. I was so happy that I went with Dr. Williams and I have nothing but good things to say about this man !

 

 

1/18/03-Today has been a really rough one for me, each morning I wake up with more hair on my pillow than I have on my head. I wasn't prepared to lose hair from the anesthesia and to be bald on top of my head 2 1/2 weeks out. I have been crying all day over this and can't stop!" I want my husband to buzz cut it since I'm only going to lose more in 3-4 months but he refuses and says he'll love me bald or not . But the question is can I love me this way ? Not right now I can't. Plus I'm having trouble eating because I'm always drinking and you can't do them together. So by the time I get some water in , I'm no longer hungry. I seem to be losing the weight slowly and being an intelligent woman I realize my body thinks it's starving and has clamped down to hold onto what it has. Going to go lay down until I feel better.
Ok , I've had a few hours sleep and have decided that I'm going from "fat to fabulous " and if I need a wig to do it so be it !

 

 

1/21/03/ I'm weighing 265lbs now. This must be working but it's hard to believe it when nothing else did . I keep thinking I'm going to wake back up weighing 310 and climbing. My eating is still difficult, things don't seem to want to stay where I put them.lol It will get better....."nothing tastes as good as being thinner feels !"

1/28/03- Last night I was in the hospital because there maybe a complication ( a blockage in my new stoma ?). I had to have an I.V. to rehydrate my body because I've been so nauseas for the past 5 days that I can't eat or keep much water down. Then last night I got the dry heaves to boot. Now I would never deter anyone from having this surgery because this is a personal choice, but right now I feel like I've made a mistake. From all of the nausea ,inability to eat enough or drink enough ," I truly feel like I've sold my soul to the devil and now comes the time to pay ! " Again I went into this reading up on it and knew that complications were possible but I hoped and prayed I wouldn't be one of them. The complications can be horrible and right now I'm feeling that I should've just died a fat happy woman ! I did this to be healthier and happier and right now I'm neither.
Talked to another angel friend tonight Kathy and she made me feel so much better . She said things will be alright and not to give up and that she'll be praying for me . Thanks Kathy for being there just when I needed you , you'll never know how much you did for me tonight !

2/9/03 First and foremost giving all Honor and Glory to God for taking me to the other side. Without the help of God who knows where I'd be. Right now I'm in a lot of pain but the one thing that I've noticed is that "my back pain is gone !" Just 5 days out and the worst of my co morbidities has already left the building . Praise be to the Lord. Each day I get a little better at dealing with the pain and the pain meds don't hurt either. For all who are about to undertake this journey, go into your new life aware of the fact that nothing worth while every comes easy ! If I could recommend anything to a pre-op , it would be to get a hospital bed and commode because you use your stomach muscles for more than you realize. Just getting up out of bed is so hard and no one can lift me ,so I end up shimming to the edge and falling off onto my knees and then trying to push myself up. Sometimes I get to the edge of the bed and get stuck and my poor husband Godbless him , then has to pull me up and that is painful too ! It has to be worked at even now but rememeber the prize at the end of the road.......our new lives.
my beginning stats post op were 289 lbs. Below are my new post-ops as of today .
Pre-op: Weight- STATS!
Before and after
Breasts: 44 DD before/ after-38C
Hips 62 before/ after 42
waist 56 before/ after 36
shoes 12 wide before/ after size 10
Dress size 3x/28 before/ after size 14
Shirt size 3/4x size before/after large
ring size 11 1/2 before/ after size 9
Pants size 28/32 before/ after size 14

~~~~~~~~~~My Rebirth~~~~~~~~~~

The Beginning. 1/02/03~## 289lbs
1/21/~####~265
1/15/~####~275
2/02/~####~260
2/09/~####~256
2/15/~####~253
2/26/~####~250
3/03/~####~247-yipee !
3/16/~####~243-size 22 jeans !
4/4/ ~####~229
5/20/~####~220-not since 1979 !
6/1/ ~####~215
6/16/~####~212-size 18 jeans
7/4 /~####~210
7/9 /~####~208- MY BMI is 32.6 and now I'm just obese !
7/24/~####~204- Damn when will these 5 lbs go away so I can be below 200 ? "PATIENCE is not one of my strong points "lol
8/23/-#### Drum roll...officially broke the 200 mark !! I'm now 198 lbs and can comfortably fit a size 16 pants. No more stepping on the dr's scale and watching them add extra weights to measure my failure. "I'm a winner now, as well as a loser !"
10/24~####~180 lbs and a loose size 14's.
10/29/03-My BMI AS OF TODAY IS 29.0 making me "moderately
1/2/05- 167 lbs and in a size 11 pair of jeans.
2/26/05- 187 lbs :o( this stinks and I've got to get back on track.
overweight and unable to qualify for Gastric Bypass Surgery ! Ain't that a "hoot" considering that last year at this time my BMI was 45.3 making me "Morbidly Obese !" What a difference a year and the surgery has made !
12/22-####-168 lbs and slowing down but I've made it into my black leather size 12 pants !:O___)
1/20/04 I just celebrated my 1 yr anniversary and a loss of 140 lbs. My life is so different, people treat me differently, family members treat me differently but most important I treat myself "differently" and by that I mean I finally love the woman that I've become. A size 13 pair of jeans are loose on me now and I'm just 20 lbs away from my goal of being 150lbs. I don't want to lose more than that because then I think I'll look skeletal. My bones are sticking out around my neck now. I'm going to ask my dr if he thinks breast reduction surgery would be beneficial for me since my upper body is where I have most of my problems with the Fibromyalgia .I'm not looking forward to another surgery but if this could help by removal of all this loose skin then I'll do it.
11/11/04- it's almost two years now since my surgery and I now weigh 165lbs. I'm much more daring in my dress and self esteem (that I had lost so long ago). I love who I've become and thank God daily that he has blessed me with this gift. Just 2 months ago , I had my successful breast reduction surgery and it's a little strange to finally feel "flat chested" after carrying around 20 lbs of breast tissue all my life.

3/27/04 Not the best time of my life right now because I've been on this plateau for 3 months. I know what it is(each morning I have a bagel and cream cheese) then the rest of the day it might be some peanuts here an there along with all my water. Then some corn chips(my downfall are those carbs). Yes this is stuff I know I shouldn't be eating but when your marriage is dying you go back to the only comfort that you've ever known "FOOD". I have to get back on track , no corn chips or icee's or Blizzards from Dairy Queen . I don't eat regular meals except for my bagel at breakfast other than that it's junk again .I do exercise daily and that I'm sure is keeping me from putting it on but not losing sucks . My goal was 150 lbs and believe it or not people who see me think I weigh less than that (even my husband thought I weighed less )! In less than a week I'll be ing clothes in a fashion show with my teen-aged daughter and I still feel fat. My size is a 12-13 but I wanted to be a 10-11 and who knows maybe I'll get there stressing it will only make it worse. Lock up those Chips Ahoy's !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 3/10/03 Lost 34 lbs and no more pain pills for my back or HRT , not even the natural stuff that I had been taking. No hot flashes, night sweats or dryness , you s know what I mean and this is amazing ! My life is getting better daily..........great ! As of 2/28/03 my new BMI is 39.2 which makes me now "severely obese" instead of "morbidly obese !"

 

 

 

3/1/03 Right now I'm on a plateau but I went shopping with my sister and discovered that I have gone from a 3x(24-26) into 1x stretch pants! I have never worn a 1x pair of pants, this is so "amazing"! God is truly good .
3/16- Happy birthday to my hubby ! Today I tried on my younger daughters sz 22 jeans and they fit me. Happy dance time !!!!
 

4/6/03-Today as I have been looking at some of the before and after pics and it struck me that many of them (and don't take offense anyone because I include myself in this )look so old and matronly in their before pics and then in the after's they become young ,vibrant people who look full of life and energy. It's like day and night in some of them, many of them don't even look like the same people .Then there are some that make you just sit back and say "damn I want to look that good one day ! I call myself a work in progress and I'll get there one day too." Right now life in this new body is a joy everyday, there are so many great things I do now.................. well let me explain.

1. I now go into stores and pick out nice clothes ,(something I would've never done before) I look at them and think there's no way I'll be able to wear this but when I try them on they not only fit some of them are actually loose!
2.people constantly comment on how much weight I've lost and I'm able to take the compliments and not feel like they're saying "you were a big fat cow before but look at you now."
3.I can go into my younger daughter's room and sneak her clothing when I want something new. This is so amazing that I can wear my teen aged daughters clothing. I'm finding myself actually caring about how I look when I go out of the house ,before surgery though it was only sweats and more sweats !
4.Now I can actually go out into a restaurant and fit into a seat without being concerned about the table cutting into my stomach. Even though I don't want what their serving (unless it's salad or veggies). Oh yes we can't forget that good old water too!
5.Stepping on the scale once or twice a month to find out that I've lost another 10 or 15 lbs . Though right now I have skin hanging all over I still wouldn't trade this for the world. I haven't weighed 227 lbs since I had my youngest daughter who is now 13 yrs old.
6. Then finding bones that I never even knew that I owned!!! My hips are getting smaller and I actually think I have a waist forming I think ...I'll let you know for sure in a month or two. hee, hee, hee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is something that I'm finally able to be a part of,I no longer have to watch it pass me by while saying "no I'm going to just sit here and wait !" Hey , I'm even buying workout clothing so that I can look stylish even when I'm sweating. I'm having is so much fun !!!!!:O)

 

 

5/02/03-4mos out today , yippeeee !!! I'm having so much fun , it feels like it should be against the law to have this much fun. I meet people who have known me all their lives and now they have no idea it's me. They walk by me and when they realize who I am they apologize and ask "how did you do it?" I simply say "diet and exercise" because I don't feel I should have to explain my change to the world. Today at the work lab, I was mistaken for my 6 yr old grandson's mother. I feel so much younger ,healthier and I've even been called "radiant" , yes me "RADIANT!" For once in my life I even feel "pretty"(there's the P-word that I would've never dared use before" .The biggest change however is my husbands feelings towards me , I know he loved me before but now he can't seem to keep his hands off of me :O) I'm not complaining at all, is so much better now with less of me to be intimate with. I feel like a woman in my 20'S instead of a grandmother of two who's in her 40's. Can it get any better than this ? Let's just wait and see . Part of me is still waiting for the clock to strike midnignt ,only to find that the prince has left the building with the skinny chick and I'm back to being "the fat chick" again ! yuk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6/1/03 Yesterday I went to the store where my 19 yr old son works and decided to buy a dress. I used his employee discount so they had to page him to sign for it and the young who paged him said "Rob ,your sister is here to use your discount card and we need you up front. " I stood there for a moment smiling and said " thank you for making my day , but I'm his mom ." She apologized over and over and I told her not to worry about it while inside I was doing the" biggest happy dance" I've ever done in my life . Not bad for a 43 yr old woman, who by the way was buying a size 16 slinky black dress ! I'm finally out of the "plus sized department" no words can describe this feeling !!! 5/21- tried to learn to roller blade today,fell a few times but had fun trying. I just can't get the hang of the foot movements yet but I'm not giving up. My legs and butt are so sore but "no pain no gain !" lol

6/9- Yesterday I saw some family members who had come in from out of town for my aunts funeral(she passed on June 4th)one of them was her son who was the only one outside of my immediate family that knew about my surgery. My uncle from Florida came up to my sister and looked at me and said "I see it's really working for her" we weren't sure what he was talking about until it dawned on us that he meant my surgery. I could've killed my cousin but he was the one whose mother had passed. I was so mad but kept it to myself. This was a personal decision that I had made and chose not to share it with the rest of the family. Then some others in the room started commenting on how good I looked now and that my husband was going to have to watch out for me now but what I heard was "You were such a fat pig before what took you so long to lose the weight ?"People think that their giving you compliments but they don't realize what their saying that lays behind the compliments. Even my sister said after my telling her how this made me feel said "well you are wearing more revealing clothes that you did before !" What's up with that ? I don't look like a or anything, yes I wear clothes that fit better but I'm not trying to show off my body to the world. That's not what any of this was about, I'm starting to feel like I should be covering up my "new body "so that people quit the comments ! At first I liked the attention but now it's getting annoying and I just want to be left alone to enjoy my body and what I have done to get it.

6/4/2003 ~Post-op .I'll mark things off as I accomplish them .
1. To feel better emotional and physically about myself ## done it!
2. To be able to run , and I mean compete in a marathon type run.
3. To be able to sit on my husbands lap with both his arms around me. To be able to have him lift me off the floor in his arms.## Done it !
4. To be able to pass a mirror and say "damn you look good " to myself and believe it. ## Done it !
5. To be able to play on the swings and monkey bars with my grandchildren. I want to be as silly as they allow me to be. ##Done it.
6. To walk into a clothing store that doesn't carry plus sized clothing , without being stared at . Done it!( But part of me is still waiting for someone to ask me "what are you doing over here ?"
7.To be able to ride my bike again, swim all day and walk any distance I please. Done it !
8.To reshape my body and sculpt it into the body that I knew always existed under all this weight.
9. To be able to go to an amusement park and not have to say, “I’ll sit this one out."
10. To be able to participate in life again .## Done this too !
11.To not be referred to as the "fat sister" anymore when people are trying to figure out which one I am. ## "Done and I feel so good!"
12.To make love to my husband again like I did when I was younger and thinner !## Done this also !
13. To see my grandchildren grow into hood and still be able to play with their kids.
14. To pass the word along to others who struggle with their weight and don't know there's way out. ! DONE !
15.To make up for all the living that I missed because I was to obese ,self conscious and afraid to be seen having fun !
I can't wait to do all of this stuff and so much more :o)

7/4. Happy 4th of July my AMOS bros and sis's !Today is my before and after photo pic , considering that I once weighed 310 lbs and have now gone down to 210 this is my Century mark !!!!!! I've also found another thing that I love to do since losing weight, I constantly find myself crossing my legs ! Something that I never thought that I'd be able to do ! And The Best Thing About All Of This Is ........ "I'LL NEVER BE THAT BIG AGAIN AND THE 100 LBS IS GONE FOREVER !" Thank you FATHER GOD !

My profile was just spruced up by Vickie who is a "sweetheart" I've added a new theme song "We've Only Just Begun" by The CARPENTERS. The new me feels like a who's only just begun to live after 35 yrs !#########################################
7/15/03 I've noticed how nice people are now, they don't stare at me like I'm some kind of "pariah" anymore. They actually smile at me and make eye contact when they talk to me , not at me. This is so strange to see that by simply losing weight, I've become more palatable to their eyes and now people feel they can talk to me. "How dare they with their shallowness think that I should feel honored to now have them acknowledge my presence !" I smile and reply but mentally I'm thinking "you can all go to hell because a 100 lbs ago I could've caught fire in front of you and you would've kept walking rather than be seen helping someone like me ! How's that for post-op anger !

7/23/03 I happened to be "post reading today and found this amazing woman's profile that is a wealth of information. It's below and worth the read ! Her name is Teann and she made me see that behind a lot of our pain lies childhood abuse. My abuse was nothing like hers but it made me see what abuse can cause. Why should I have cared about me when I felt that no one else did ? I was a lonely child trapped in an obese body who was "screaming out for help !!!!! I have now reclaimed Brenda and my self esteem! I am whole again !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7/24. Last week I was diagnosed with 'Mono" at the age of 43 ! I would've beat my husband to if I thought for one minute he gave it to me but he's been in and out of the hospital the last several months for a foot and leg amputation and doesn't get around without me ! I have been eating at the hospital that has some weird looking folks working there and I now share food with others since I can't eat much ! Maybe this is how I got it but however I got it, this is the worst virus I've ever had because there's no treatment for it except plenty of rest. Now I have 3 kids at home, a grandson a sick husband and housework to take care of ,"did they honestly say the word "rest" to me ? I'm tired all day long (which sucks because I had started strength training with weights and walking more, now I have to stop all of that and "rest) my lymph nodes in my neck are the size of two bed pillows and I feel like someone snuck in the house and beat me senseless because of the body ache!" The symptoms are worse than the flu and I don't want to rest!!!!! I didn't get the surgery so that I could rest. !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7/27 Long post here. With another birthday approaching fast, I've been looking back on my life and wondering what I could've been or done with my life if I would've had the self esteem and confidence that I have now . Being obese, teased , ridiculed, laughed at and treated like you have an incurable disease can destroy any belief that you have in yourself. As a kid I didn't understand why they didn't like me ,what had I done to anyone ? Every attempt that I made to be like them( THE THIN NORMAL PEOPLE) was always met with ridicule until I gave up and stopped even trying. Looking back now I see this was the beginning of my ongoing depression even though kids weren't really diagnosed with this in those days ,we were just considered to be "loners or quiet kids." I became introverted and didn't try anything that would make me stand out in the crowd .( if no one knew I was there then they wouldn't tease me) My spirit was destroyed at an early age . After all the only thing the world would've seen was the fat .
I know they say you should never say "should've ,could've would've" but that's all I can say at this point in my life because I regret not going after that "brass" ring in life to see what I could've been. The price of obesity isn't only measured in health issues it can rob you of your dreams as well. In writing this I don't want anyone to think that I'm blaming anyone else for my shortcomings in life because that would still fall at my feet because I chose to believe what these people said about me . As the saying goes "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your giving them permission too" and I gave it to them many years ago. Now I have what some would call the bad attitude "I don't give a "DAMN " what others think or say about me anymore just as long as I'm pleasing in Gods eyes !" This isn't about being skinny, it's just taking back something that I gave away along time ago, my respect and self esteem. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8/17-Well today broke the 200 mark, now I'm 198lbs ....yipee ! Ok we all know that for every positive there's usually a negative...the negative is I'm losing my hair again ! This can never be easy for any of us but it's especially hard for me because this is my second time of losing my hair as a post-op. It's so obvious too because its in the front of my head which you can actually see my scalp in some spots but its 6 inches long in back . The worst part about it, is you can't even hide it . I'm so crushed right now but seeing the 111 lbs gone is hard to stay too depressed about it. So what if I can't do anything with my hair but I can buy a wig until it comes back(it did before). I'm not quite sure why it's coming out again because I have protein bars and drinks daily but I guess I'm just one of the lucky one ! Oh well off to wig shop......Cya later all.

Update 8/19- Instead of wig shopping, I went art supply shopping because my inspiration has returned and I want to do my own "one woman show in the spring maybe !" Anyway ,while out shopping with my teen-aged daughter I decided to do something I've never done before....I tried on evening gowns . Now for some this wouldn't have been a big deal , but for me it was like finding "The Holy Grail" because never in my life have I been in one . It not only fit but was a size 16 ! The look on my daughters face said it all as she smiled and gave me nod of approval ! I don't have a place to wear it , but I may buy it just because it was my first one and you know there's nothing like the first one :0) What a change a few months can make. Thank you Father God !

8/30 Well it's getting worse, major hair loss ! It's like last month I had hair and now it's coming out in clumps :o( Instead of crying my eyes out I have purchased several nice wigs (It was like treating myself to a mini makeover and a new look ). It's kind of exciting to be able to transform myself from me into my "new alter ego "by just putting on a wig. People are saying I look so much younger with them so it can't be all bad (but I do miss my hair that was once thick and fuller). It could be worse though . Last year around this time I dared shop for jeans and can still feel the pain and embarrassment of asking the sales person "what's the largest size you carry " and being told a size 32 and these didn't fit .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9/20 They say that if you really don't want the answer to a question then you shouldn't ask it but I had been getting strange "vibes" from my husband so I asked the question . I said "do you love me ,and he answered "yes" but I went on to ask "did you love me fatter " to which he said "kind of !" I was so shocked but didn't show it. How could he have loved me fatter ? Is he insecure with the new me ? I love this man with all of my heart and nothing will ever change that. I'm the new woman he's never had and it's quite possible he liked the fatter ME , but she's gone and not coming back !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9/27/ I have survived another birthday (Sept 23)and am now 44 yrs young ! The latest kicker in life is I now have people coming up to me saying "don't lose too much more weight !" Now this something I never thought I'd ever have anyone say to me. The funny thing about it is ,I haven't even come near my goal weight yet and these people talk as if I'm a size 2. Right now I'm in a 16-14 and weigh 179 lbs, but my goal is to weigh 150-160 lbs and be a size 11-12. What are these people going to say when I get there ? My own husband has even told me he liked me heavier....what is wrong with these people ? They might've liked me better back then but I didn't like me and that's what counts !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10/10/03
I have always loved Marilyn Monroe especially after finding out that she was a size 16. She was such a beautiful woman and I always wanted her figure. Well prior to my surgery I went out and bought a size 14 form fitted dress like she would've worn and hung it in my closet with dreams of one day being able to wear it but in the back of my own mind doubted that that day would ever come for me. Yesterday though after watching this dress hang for what seemed like an eternity, I got up the nerve to try it on. I slipped on one of those slip girdle things that hold in all of your "sins" and put the dress on and it fit me ,less than a year after surgery it fit me ! I have an hour glass figure (even though my hour glass might be a little oddly shaped) ! Who would've ever thought that I'd be in a size 14 dress, I'm actually smaller than my idol now ! God is continuing to bless me daily. Check me out wearing the dress below ! On a down note though , I have been having trouble with joint aches, pains and fatigue for the last 6 months or so. I have to go see a rheumatologist on Monday because they suspect I might have R.A or some other form of arthritis. I should've had my surgery sooner because carrying around all of that extra weight has probably done irreversible damage to my joints. Will update after I see the dr.

 

 

 

 

 

10/24~the dr discovered that I have Fibromyalgia. Now I understand why my body constantly aches. There goes my dream of running the NYC marathon or any other race I dreamed of competing in as a "healthy post-op!" I'm so depressed right now because I feel like I got healthy just to be sick !This is so hard because there are no outward signs of my illness ,so people see me and say "you look good " but they don't see the constant aches and pains I live with 24/7 and 365 days of the year. I don't want people feeling sorry for me but it just bothers me when they see me catching the bus to some place I would've normally walked and they comment or say something like "at your weight you should be able now to walk there ." They have no idea why I do some of the things that I'm doing now because I don't wear a sign around my neck saying "Fibromyalgia patient" !

11/12/03 Good morning AMOS brothers and sisters. I figured out my BMI this morning and it was 28.2, I'm not obese anymore just overweight !!!!! This is so amazing. My rings are falling off of me ,it seems like I'm growing out of clothes a few weeks after I buy them ,my jeans are now purchased in the "chic stores" (even though I still find myself from time to time in the plus sizes, old habits die hard)and people are constantly telling me how young I look now.LOL Then there are those who don't even know me anymore , they'll walk right past me and these are people I've known for years.
Aside from the fibromyalgia , I'm having the time of my life. I'm still pretty careful about what I eat but since I now find myself eating like a normal person , I might splurge from time to time and have half a slice of pizza. I really still don't have much of an appetite at 11 months out and some days I have to be reminded to eat something( I drink more than I eat). With the holidays fast approaching ,even the stuff I once would've killed for isn't tempting anymore .Since this is going to be my first post-op big holiday season I know this is going to be a test of my will power (because people are going to be shoving things in my face to see if they can break my will ), but for once I'm not afraid . I know that in January I won't weigh 30 lbs more because of the holidays. I've got it all under control !

Dec 14,03-Today it's snowing ,sleeting and freezing rain right now.I'm in a lot of pain since my body reacts to the weather but I'm not taking any pain meds yet because all they do is make me sleepy. Went Christmas shopping for those final gifts yesterday and discovered that the size 13 jeans I was wearing kept sliding down on me. I also tried on a pair of black leather size 12 jeans I bought pre-op and they fit me. But the weirdest thing is that I still don't see myself as looking different . Nothing that I do , try on or comments that I get seem to make me see the new woman that I've become. I still feel invisible except that now everyone else see's me !
I want to make this perfectly clear to anyone reading this, "my Fibromyalgia " didn't come from the WLS. At the end of April I contracted "mono" and it wiped out my immune system. Your supposed to rest and get your strength back to recover , but with my lifestyle I could never relax , so I continued on the fast lane. In doing this I took down my immune system even further and the mono led to my contracting the Fibromyalgia. It was my own hard head that caused me to get this disease and now I have to pay for it. The woman that once refused to rest now has no choice because you become so tired and achy that your forced to stop and rest. God has chosen to send me this for some reason, I don't understand why but please pray for me.

Jan 2004 Yahoo, made it through the holidays w/o gaining a pound !This is a first for me to be able to say I weigh what I did in November even though it's January. I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted by a few goodies (so I had a few and I mean very few), satisfied the craving and went on with life. I just feel so in control for the first time in my life ,food doesn't have me anymore I can control it . Just celebrated my 1st year "rebirth" and minus the Fibro, I would be at my peak at the age of 44. Last year at this time I still had my doubts about actually losing the weight because I was still a "pre-op" and afraid to trust one more diet . This is totally different than the conventional diet in that it works as long as you work it. Plain and simple, you have to work at it and not make foolish decisions (or else you'll pay and you don't want to do this). For the first time in my life I can actually see my collar bones (more bones that I didn't think I had) On the down side, my breast are hanging around my waist ( I could tie them up behind my back ),my thighs are like a baby elephants skin and these "bat wings" eewwhhh!!! I swear I could fly over seas and back if I catch the right gust of wind. Speaking of wind ,it's been very windy here lately and I actually felt myself being pushed and blown forward by the wind. It was kind of scary to feel this because it's never happened before. I had to stop and laugh for a moment at the fact that the wind could move me ! I'm sure people think I've gone crazy laughing to myself but if they had been were I've been , they would laugh too. Basically, I don't give a damn what they think..........I'm having fun ! Take care bros and sisters in WLS Nirvana !

1/20 /04 Today feeling a little down so I thought it was better to get these feelings out and on paper so that they get out of my head. Last night a dr was on in the chat room and a fellow WLS patient who suffered from chronic body aches and pains ,wondered if there was a correlation between WLS and Fibromyalgia ?This made a little light go off in my head because I saw my PCP last week who said "now let's see you didn't have any of these problems before the surgery and since we don't know a lot about these surgeries, I wonder if that may be part of the problem ? "He was right too, I was very obese but didn't wraith in pain all day long ,could I have traded in one disease for another ? But the big question then becomes , would I do it all again knowing what I know now ? In everything we do in life I believe there’s always a price to be paid for a decision that we've made. This is the payment for mine and I don't know if I'd be willing to pay this price again. Don't get me wrong I love shopping in the juniors section of stores and the compliments I get, but when the pain becomes "intense" none of this matters I just want relief from the pain ! I guess since I'm feeling "crappy" today I can't really answer the question .For anyone reading this though, don't let my dilemma change your mind about having the surgery because it does have the advantage of letting you see the person that you always knew you were !

1/24/04 Early this morning as I went by my bedroom mirror, there was a strange woman standing there, she was thin and appeared to smile back at me as I tried to figure out who she was. As I looked closer her face resembled mine but it was thinner than the face I avoided looking at for so many years. She had a small tummy , slim legs and her collar bones were visible as I looked her over. I wanted to wake my husband and ask him if he saw this woman standing there, but suddenly as I moved so did she. She turned to look at her body as I turned to look at mine , she had no "behind" but she had the same scar on her butt as I did. By now somewhat freaked out by this woman , I moved in closer to look into her eyes and as I did this so did she . We were face to face and I finally figured out who she was , she was me !!! I have finally been able to see the success that the surgery has given me and for the first time looking back at me was the image of a "thin waife like creature" that I had longed to see since having the surgery. I may have seen her before for a few brief seconds as I passed a mirror but always standing in front of her was the obese image of me that I had lived with for so long and had grown accustomed to seeing. Others had seen her and commented on her but I was unable to see her no matter how hard I tried even after being post-op for 1 yr . The obese woman was gone and I finally found the new me staring back at me . I stood for what seemed like an eternity
looking at her somewhat afraid to look away out of the fear that she would disappear, slowly I turned my gaze away and then quickly looked back and she was still there . I finally found the new me and was so happy to see that she's here to stay ! This is the person I knew was always hiding underneath the weight , she finally feels safe enough to show herself to me and now we are one . I am her and she is me , I have a great love for her and in turn I've learned to love me too!
Hugggsss to all

1/9/06- my weight has started going back up again(181) but this is nothing that I can't regain control, I just have to put my devotion back where it needs to be..........on me and by summer 160 will be my weight if not less ! "Tootles !" 

2/4/07  What can I say?  I got back on track and started going to the gym 5 days a week.  All my friends call me a gym HO.  When I am there, I stay for a minimum of 3 hours.  I only work part time so I don't have to worry about getting to work.   I am down to 125 now and am at a 20BMI.

5/26/07  The pounds keep coming off and I can't stop them.  I am skin and bones.  The doctors can't help me any more.  I was in the hospital on suppliments for almost a month earlier this year.  HELP!

8/17/07  The picture of me at the beach this summer is hideous.  My family was so embarrassed.  They used to be embarrassed because I was so obese.  Now I'm too skinny.  I always thought this was what I wanted.  Now I'm getting really scared.  I try to eat, but I can't.

12/25/07 Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time, but how can I be happy when I look like I do?

1/17/08  I need to get active on the boards again. I need help and support.  I am joining the secret pal exchange to get myself back in the group.  I used to be very active and really enjoy the commeradity.

3/6/08
I am really enjoying the secret pal exchange. I wish I knew more about the person I have.  I love sending her things, but really know nothing about her.  I hope to be able to travel to So Cal to meet her by the end of the year.  I'm still not able to gain weight.<