Susan T.
Hello
Apr 11, 2007
4/11/07
It's been awhile since I wrote here so I guess I better get this updated.
First I would like to thank all the wonderful people on this website.
The one's that I talk to every day or everyother day. You know your names and the only reason I dont mention them is because I am afraid that with this memory of mine I could forget someone special and I would never want to hurt anyones feelings, ever. I do have some extra special sisters here, ones who are "angelettes", angels, and friends who I can't wait too meet and I am so glad that I had the chance to talk to them. Even people who come here that I have never talked to comeing to the site and posting important suggestions, or advice and may not come back or they just pop in and out.
Okay enough about that. I am going to let you know where I am in my "journey", and then explain something that has happened to me over the last week that maybe someone can help me with.
OH CRAP!!!! EXPLORE JUST SHUT DOWN AND I LOST ALL THAT I WROTE!!! UHHGGGGGGGG!!!
So I quit smoking around the 13th of March, It was very hard. I was doing great and then........... on the trip up to my first appointment with Dr. Scott, hubby was smoking and I lost it. I didn't smoke a whole cig by myself for a couple of days. Today I am quiting again! I could just shoot myself for making me go thru withdrawl all over! Well at least I am trying again.
The PLT went good. They couldn't get the blood they needed for the oxygen test, but they said since my levels are really good on the blowy thing I didn't need the blood test. I have the worst veins!!!
The appointment went good at Dr. Scott's office. I was so worried that I had gained weight because of the whole quit smoking thing, but I weighed the exact amount I was when they weighed me the last time. Cool!!! Dr. Scott was late, I missed Tammy, and he really seemed like he was in a hurry. I liked him and really felt like I could trust him. They needed my Psy. evaluation done, (I thought for some stupid reason they did it to you), before they could do anything else. So wait, wait, wait!!! Call my own pys. doctor since we have been talking about this for over a year, she just had to ask me alot of questions, which she did over the phone. I passed, lol!
She said she will have all the paperwork filled out and typed up by the end of the week and faxed to them. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! I finally felt like this was really going to happen.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED...........
I really don't know how it got started, I mean I was so happy. I had a great person that was my angel, I was making new friends
I was really excited about this surgery. I never felt scared, worried or nothing. I knew between Dr. Scott and all the people who had used him here and said great things about him, and all the help I was getting and knew that I could get on the site or e-mail my Angel or others with any questions, I was just "feeling comfortable" and not worried. First it was the smoking, I had gone completely back to smoking. Then it seems like I got in this frame of mind, "oh well, I am not worried about what I am eating because after all I'm gonna have this surgery. Just alittle bad stuff in the beginning, then not drinking my shakes at all for meals. I kept making excuses up like oh I will quit tomorrow and start all over. The next day would come and I would have an excuse. My father told everyone at Easter dinner that I was going to fail. I was wasting my time! (Hes a jerk, he is my father but still a chovanistic pig!) He calls me an uhpa lumpa, you know from the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie, when the girl blows up really fat. That is a whole nother story. My back got really bad, to where I couldn't hardly walk or stand by myself. I started to doubt the surgery would work. I was crying every 2 mins and feeling sorry for myself. As hard as I tried I could not get out of this depression. Between the back and leg pain and the depression I was in bed and could not get up. I told myself I was being stupid and there were so many things posted on the site that I wanted to respond to,
but the more I thought about the WLS the more upset I got. I just knew if I was falling into old habits before the surgery what was I going to do after. It wasn't just the usual, "oh well I gained some weight after surgery ", I could die if I didn't follow the rules. I don't mean to scare anyone and I hope I don't but this is the way I was feeling. I angry at first, then upset that I was letting myself down, "What was wrong with me, all these people on here doing so good. People who have gone thru everything before, during and after the surgery. I told myself it would never work, I didn't want it bad enough. If I did it would be easier. I dont mean easy, I just mean I should have more will power, because I feel like I need this so bad!!
Then came the anger that so many good people are going thru so much here, like Sugar and Julia and everyone else. I was being self centered. My Angel was going thru all these personal things, and pain and still with all of that found the time to help others. Then I felt guilty. WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
PLEASE LET ME OFF BEFORE I THROW UP!!
I felt so bad about this I couldn't even ask for help. I made myself go on the board. I wanted to know how everyone was. If they needed prayer or encourgement that I could return favors done and said to me. I read some and then guilt set in about how stupid I was feeling. I couldn't post or read my e-mails. I wanted to check on Janet and see how she was feeling I know she with alot of others are in pain right now. I just went to bed and prayed and prayed and prayed. For everyone here and for myself. This morning I feel good enough to try and answer the phones at the office. I still hurt but at least I am out of bed and bent over walking along. I know that I have to continue to pray and ask for guidance. I dont mean to make people angry at me because they are trying so hard to get approved and some can't even get approved. I want this surgery so bad, its just I have failed so many times before, what makes this different. Well I care about all here and take care. Love Susan
It's been awhile since I wrote here so I guess I better get this updated.
First I would like to thank all the wonderful people on this website.
The one's that I talk to every day or everyother day. You know your names and the only reason I dont mention them is because I am afraid that with this memory of mine I could forget someone special and I would never want to hurt anyones feelings, ever. I do have some extra special sisters here, ones who are "angelettes", angels, and friends who I can't wait too meet and I am so glad that I had the chance to talk to them. Even people who come here that I have never talked to comeing to the site and posting important suggestions, or advice and may not come back or they just pop in and out.
Okay enough about that. I am going to let you know where I am in my "journey", and then explain something that has happened to me over the last week that maybe someone can help me with.
OH CRAP!!!! EXPLORE JUST SHUT DOWN AND I LOST ALL THAT I WROTE!!! UHHGGGGGGGG!!!
So I quit smoking around the 13th of March, It was very hard. I was doing great and then........... on the trip up to my first appointment with Dr. Scott, hubby was smoking and I lost it. I didn't smoke a whole cig by myself for a couple of days. Today I am quiting again! I could just shoot myself for making me go thru withdrawl all over! Well at least I am trying again.
The PLT went good. They couldn't get the blood they needed for the oxygen test, but they said since my levels are really good on the blowy thing I didn't need the blood test. I have the worst veins!!!
The appointment went good at Dr. Scott's office. I was so worried that I had gained weight because of the whole quit smoking thing, but I weighed the exact amount I was when they weighed me the last time. Cool!!! Dr. Scott was late, I missed Tammy, and he really seemed like he was in a hurry. I liked him and really felt like I could trust him. They needed my Psy. evaluation done, (I thought for some stupid reason they did it to you), before they could do anything else. So wait, wait, wait!!! Call my own pys. doctor since we have been talking about this for over a year, she just had to ask me alot of questions, which she did over the phone. I passed, lol!
She said she will have all the paperwork filled out and typed up by the end of the week and faxed to them. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! I finally felt like this was really going to happen.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED...........
I really don't know how it got started, I mean I was so happy. I had a great person that was my angel, I was making new friends
I was really excited about this surgery. I never felt scared, worried or nothing. I knew between Dr. Scott and all the people who had used him here and said great things about him, and all the help I was getting and knew that I could get on the site or e-mail my Angel or others with any questions, I was just "feeling comfortable" and not worried. First it was the smoking, I had gone completely back to smoking. Then it seems like I got in this frame of mind, "oh well, I am not worried about what I am eating because after all I'm gonna have this surgery. Just alittle bad stuff in the beginning, then not drinking my shakes at all for meals. I kept making excuses up like oh I will quit tomorrow and start all over. The next day would come and I would have an excuse. My father told everyone at Easter dinner that I was going to fail. I was wasting my time! (Hes a jerk, he is my father but still a chovanistic pig!) He calls me an uhpa lumpa, you know from the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie, when the girl blows up really fat. That is a whole nother story. My back got really bad, to where I couldn't hardly walk or stand by myself. I started to doubt the surgery would work. I was crying every 2 mins and feeling sorry for myself. As hard as I tried I could not get out of this depression. Between the back and leg pain and the depression I was in bed and could not get up. I told myself I was being stupid and there were so many things posted on the site that I wanted to respond to,
but the more I thought about the WLS the more upset I got. I just knew if I was falling into old habits before the surgery what was I going to do after. It wasn't just the usual, "oh well I gained some weight after surgery ", I could die if I didn't follow the rules. I don't mean to scare anyone and I hope I don't but this is the way I was feeling. I angry at first, then upset that I was letting myself down, "What was wrong with me, all these people on here doing so good. People who have gone thru everything before, during and after the surgery. I told myself it would never work, I didn't want it bad enough. If I did it would be easier. I dont mean easy, I just mean I should have more will power, because I feel like I need this so bad!!
Then came the anger that so many good people are going thru so much here, like Sugar and Julia and everyone else. I was being self centered. My Angel was going thru all these personal things, and pain and still with all of that found the time to help others. Then I felt guilty. WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
PLEASE LET ME OFF BEFORE I THROW UP!!
I felt so bad about this I couldn't even ask for help. I made myself go on the board. I wanted to know how everyone was. If they needed prayer or encourgement that I could return favors done and said to me. I read some and then guilt set in about how stupid I was feeling. I couldn't post or read my e-mails. I wanted to check on Janet and see how she was feeling I know she with alot of others are in pain right now. I just went to bed and prayed and prayed and prayed. For everyone here and for myself. This morning I feel good enough to try and answer the phones at the office. I still hurt but at least I am out of bed and bent over walking along. I know that I have to continue to pray and ask for guidance. I dont mean to make people angry at me because they are trying so hard to get approved and some can't even get approved. I want this surgery so bad, its just I have failed so many times before, what makes this different. Well I care about all here and take care. Love Susan
Whats wrong with me?
Mar 23, 2007
I don't know what the heck is going on in my crazy head sometimes. Thank the Lord for the Board or I know I would have given up by now. It is the craziest thing, you would think I would be worried about complications of surgery, how to totally change my eating habits for the rest of my life, etc. right? Well yea I am worried about those things but that is not the biggest worry I am worried about. So here it is: I know I love my husband. Sometimes he is the most wonderful man in the world. He even took care of me for 7 months when I was bed ridden, and I could not due "anything" for myself. I am worried about what is going to happen when I lose all this weight. Will I become this, new person who has energy, feels good, pretty much gets my life back a little bit? What is this new me going to be like? He is used to me not being able to do anything,or go hardly anywhere. I have know him for over 15yrs. We have only been together as a couple for 7yrs. He has seen me 65lb lighter and used to get so jealous of guys. He used to be so romantic. I know what everone is thinking, "oh just be glad you have someone that will take care of you". I am glad but are relationship has become so mechanical. I know that sounds weird but I can't think of how to explain it! Its like we never kiss, there is no passion, romance. I am sure someone out there understands. He loves me, he helps me, but its like it is his job or something. Anyway, (I am multitasking, getting of the subject) we have talked to our pastor, my psyciatrist, and my therapist and he just says "We are married now I don't have to do all that mushy stuff I got her now!! So, I am worried what is going to happen, I am scared. Will I start to get on him about his weight? He is 5" 10 and 300lbs. I dont want to but if I am feeling good and full of energy I will want him to feel good. I will want to go places and do things I haven't been able to do in a long time. I know I will get thru all this it is just bothering me so much right now and I know its stupid to think about this kinda stuff when there is so much other things I need to worry about.
3/2/07
Mar 02, 2007
I have met with my PCP, had all the blood work done, PCP faxed my referral letter to Mo Bariatrics, and FINALLY finished filling out all the candidcey paperwork and got it to them. I called them and they said they received it and it would take about a week or two for the nurse to call me to let me know about an appointment.
I am telling myself to wait patiently and not to try and push things. I know that this is a long process and the wait is for my own good. They just want to make sure that it is safe to have the surgery and figure out what tests I made need.
SO I TRY TO WAIT PATIENTLY, haha!
I am telling myself to wait patiently and not to try and push things. I know that this is a long process and the wait is for my own good. They just want to make sure that it is safe to have the surgery and figure out what tests I made need.
SO I TRY TO WAIT PATIENTLY, haha!
02/17/07
Mar 02, 2007
Set up to go to Seminar in Columbia, Missouri today, I am looking forward to it. My husband is going with me, ( I am glad that I have him for a support person).
