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Ok.... Heres the deal.... I`ve been overweight my whole life and I`ve been kissed once and it was just a peck. I keep having surreal dreams about having a significant other. This seems pathetic but it`s true I woke up last night clenching to my pillow like I was gonna drown and it was a floating device. I honestly try to have the best outlook on this kind of thing as I possibly can. But seriously  I`m gonna be 20 in a few months and I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING to be in love and be loved back  the same way! Or to even have a great friend...preferably a guy who gave his absolute all to the friendship!!! Up until now I`ve allways had alot of people around me so not having a boyfriend Never affected me except for a few times. But now I work 24-7 and I pretty much have no life. I dont talk to any of my old friends cause I live so far away and we have all changed so much. And the old friends that I was really connected to just really don`t care anymore. This breaks my heart but I`m ready to move off and I`m ready to start this "new chapter" in my life. I just keep wondering why big people are seen as disgusting. My weight has never affected my spiritual side or my beliefs. I`m still a good person and I still deserve someone who will love me. I just wonder why God has made it this way? Why my life has taken this course. I feel like I will never be normal I`ll never have a real boyfriend, never go on a real date, never have a real kiss. 

Ok... I guess ill start with Tests. I had my first Appt. with Dr. Gorospe and about the only thing I found out is that out off all the tests I`ve had, I still need a Upper GI, A sleep Study, and A Phyciatric exam. I`ve allready had a EKG, Urinalysis, Chest E-ray, CBC, and a Gluecose Tolerance. Dr. Gorospe`s assistant is supposed to call with the other test I still need. But hopefully the only test they will need are the ones Dr. Gorospe has allready told me about. Now Money.... I haven`t had to pay anything for tests yet.. My indian insurance covered the 5 test i`ve allready had done and will be covering the sleep study but we will have to pay for the upper GI and the Phyc. evaluation. But it`s hard cause were paying for surgery our selves that`s why we are trying to wiggle out of every test we can... This surgery is expensive!!! Now weight- I`m at 405 ...Dr. Gorospe said i need to get under 4 for the surgery... and thats not bad but im still upset that i let it get that bad ya know? it just sucks!!!! 

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Hey guys, OK I've been so excited about surgery that I made a list of things I wanna do when I loose enough weight and get fit! By the way the diet is going good. Exercise is good. I think I`ll lose quit a bit more than 10lbs before surgery day. All I think about it this surgery. I feel like I can't get enough information. Questions flood my head all day!!! Questions that I just won't know the anwsers to until after I have the surgery like... I wonder how much I`ll loose in the first month, I wonder if I`ll be hungry, I wonder if my skin will go back. And I read certain profiles on here and some people say "well I haven`t lost" or "I'm so hungry" and I`m just praying I loose. This seems like a last resort for me. Ok sorry to be a drag. Lets move on to something happy. Here`s the List!!!! 
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          My absolute Number 1 goal is be Happier and Healthier.
                 Y Top things I wanna do when I get fit.Y 
                              (In no paticular order) 
                            Weight goal: 180-200lbs

               *Audition for a professional winterguard
                               *Cross my legs 
                        *Sit in a theatre comfortably
                        *Sit in a booth comfortably
                        *Go on a rollar coaster ride
                     *Not worry about fiting in a chair
                                  *Get a tattoo 
          *Get my navel pierced (this may be a LONG shot) lol 
                              *Go rollar skating 
                                *Go on a date 
           *Wear a bikini (this may never be possible) lol 
                          *Wear a halter top dress 
                            *Get out of plus sizes 
                            *Be able to jog a mile 
                                   *Go skiing 
     *Catch a double under my leg (this is a colorguard thing) 
                                  *Wear a belt 
                                 *Join a soroity 
                              *Go on a water slide 
  *Fit in a bettle bug or mustang.... So I can get a new car!!! 
                                  *Go hiking 
                                  *Go biking 
                                  *Go Surfing 
                              *Go horseback riding 
       *Try out for a college play or community theatre 
               *Go to a public pool in a bathing suite 
                                *Go paintballing

My mom and sister have been pretty suportive but they have seem me do diets befor and they think I might not commit to this as much as I should. I`m so commited it`s not funny. I have studied this procedure like crazy. It`s like I have a second chance at life and I`m not going to screw it up for a cheese burger. I`m going to be so strict with this surgery and the diet that follows. I`m changing my life style and eating habbits already. And I`m happy! I know you can post your goals on here but this is a long one. I`m making a commitment to walk a mile at least 3 days out of the week for excersise and I`m going to start a diet tommorow. I want to loose at least 10lbs before surgery. I want my family to know I`m going to do my absolute best on this. I know people think I could loose this on my own and they could be right. But the fact is ... I have been on diets and done fairly well until about the 6th week and ive lost about 30lbs by then and I can`t see it. I get discouraged and quit. I have noone romatic in my life and that might be a dumb excuse but I believe that is why I eat so much I like to be comforted and that`s how I get my comfort. I`m not condoning the situation in any way. I`m just saying I will do my absolute best. And I need all the support I can get. So maybe doubting me isn`t the best way to handle the situation. I wish they would have faith in me. I WILL NOT SCREW THIS UP. I have one more chance to do everything in life that I want and I plan to do it.

       God bless everyone!!!

                        Bekah

Ok... So I know my profile says I have my date scheduled but that`s not entirely true. We have to attend the seminar tommorow. But it`s an absolute for sure thing I`m having it done. So as soon as I know the date I will post it ASAP!  I`m not getting any assistance with insurance so hopefully my date will be here in a month or so. 

I`ve never been so excited about something in my life!!! lol. I`ve been researching this surgery for about 2 months and we finally decided to procede about 3 weeks ago. I have read everything about the surgery I can get my hands on. I am filing everything such as maps to the doctor office, (cause I live about 1 hour away from tulsa) notes, questions, and that sort of thing. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!! I feel like the more I know about the surgery the more I can control the out come. 

I`ve been over the precedure a dozen and 1 times. I`ve been over the expected diet more then 15 times but I`m still scared to death. The thought of dieing on the table keeps crossing my mind. I guess do to the fact that I`ve lost alot of faith over the years im just scared of dieing and where i`ll be when i die.....can ya say paranoid?

I got so excited I made a list of things I`ll be able to do after i lose enough weight, things that I`m restricted to now....But thats for next time.....

                                                              Beckerz!!!