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4 years ago today I had bariatric surgery. It was one of the scariest, but best decision I have ever made. Over the past 2 years I have fallen off the horse. I have gained 30 pounds and am extremely out of shape. For sure, I have lost sight of all those goals I once had. Finding my way back to get on track is another difficult task. The stresses of my daily life have me over whelmed most of the time. But, I can truly say that I very much want to reclaim control over my life and myself. I am willing to work and to fight for what I had & lost. It was a gift and I neglected it. Hopefully never again. yesterday I started the 5 day pouch test and am planning on being accountable for my actions. I have till sept 2014 to get my act together, as that is when I start Grad school for my NP. If I can't do it by then, I'm screwed. So happy 4th anniversary to me and here's to wishing me luck and happiness in moving forward to reclaiming my life.

On May 12th, 2011 it will be my one year anniversary for my bariatric surgery. What a year. I feel like a new person. So many things have happened and I have changed to much. I am happy. Happiness is something to treasure and I am not about to loose it. Certainly I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am ready for it. I am down another 5 pounds. That really doesn't mean much, but it does mean I am still losing weight and I am only about 10 pounds from my goal. WOW! What an accomplishment. I am so proud of myself. So, on 5-12-11 I will be able to post my before and after pic. i can't wait. 

I can not believe that I have not posted since 12/31. Man times flies by so fast. But more importantly, I have nothing really big to report. Since my last post I have only lost 2 pounds. I am back in school full-time and have been working at Dr Tandon's office prn. Right now I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. Have had to make the trip to Buffalo 3 weeks in a row. Next week we are taking some time off and going to stay in Erie for 3 days. We are taking the kids to Splash Lagoon, shopping, Chuck E Cheeses and what ever else we decide to do. Most importantly, we are going to get the heck  out of Bradford for a few days. No work and No school.
On another not, even though I am not really losing alot of weight right now I am a size 10 and even then my pant/jeans are a little loose. That feels great. So can't wait for Srping to come. Need some good fresh air and exercise. Soon. Soon.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!! TONIGHT IS NEW YEARS EVE. TOMORROW MORNING STARTS A WHOLE NEW YEAR WITH A WHOLE NEW ME. MY CHRISTMAS WAS GREAT. LIFE IS EXTRA GREAT. I AM OUT OF MY MONTH LONG STALL. I AM DOWN TO 156 LBS. IT HAS BEEN AT LEAST 15 YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN THIS WEIGHT.  I EVEN LOST WEIGHT DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. PROUD. THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL PROUD OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENT. I HAVE LOST 89 LBS. I WEIGHED IN AT 245 ONE YEAR AGO. I HAVE 11 MORE POUNDS TO MAKE 100 LBS LOST AND 16 LBS TO MAKE GOAL WIEGHT. TRULY, I NEVER FELT I COULD GET HERE. IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. WHAT A SPECIAL GIFT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN. HOW LUCKY I AM. I AM FINALLY THE PERSON I ALWAYS FELT THAT WAS TRYING TO GET OUT. SHE IS HERE & SHE IS ME. FINALLY. FINALLY. IT'S ME.

So, since I had my surgery I have faithfully posted once a month just as an update on my progess, but for some reason I forgot to post for November.  Besides the fact that I have been overly busy this past month, I also have not lost any weight in the past 3 weeks. I have truely hit my first stall and it bites the big one-hard! The really bad part is, last week was Thanksgiving. And as much as I am glad that I didn't gain any weight, I would like to still be losing. Even a pound would make me happy at this point, but I get none-nothing. To make matters even worse, Christmas is only 3 weeks away. I don't know if I want to even think about that. All the food, food & more food, every where I go. At home, at work. It's making me crazy. I think, for the most part I eat really well. Protein, protein, protein & avoid carbs as much as possible. But I lack on my fluids & supplemets.  And exercise in non-existant. I really have less time than ever to exercise. I am down to the last two weeks of this semester and it is crazy at how much stuff I have to do. 2 major papers, 2 presentations. I could just vomit. That doesn't include working 12 hours nights, no sleep and teaching a 16 hr PALS class this weekend. Did I mention the mountain of gifts that need wrapping or the christmas cards that need to be sent out. Oh yeah, and I forgot the 4 kids that think they need my undivided attention at all times. Sometimes I think my life can not get any more difficult, but life keeps finding more ways to send me more stress. How much can one women take? I am ready for a long break, a rest, anything where I can relax and not have to think about anything. Can I just go on autopilot for the rest of December Please???? Ok well, I didn't think so, I know I will get through it, just would like to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't yet.

Today I am exactly 5 months post-op and I am just awe struck at how much I have changed since the beginning of this journey. And I am not talking about only the physical transformation. I am speaking about the change that also took place inside. Inner peace has finally found me. Feeling in control of myself and my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this surgery would help me with my inner demons. Besides finding new confidence & peace, I found out I have a heck of a lot of inner strength. Also I found out that when you are not so focused on feeling embarrassed or inadequate all the time, you have so much more time to be a much more loving and caring human being for your friends & family. I feel like I am seeing so much more than I have ever see before. For the first time ever in my life I like myself and have found that I love everyone around me so much more. I can actually tune into what is going on around me so much more than ever before. So, I wonder if anyone else has this revelation. I doubt it, but wish I could find more about this.
    I am thankful for what I have received. Not a day goes by that I don't remember the sad pathetic person I used to be. Hating life, myself and practically everyone & everything around me. No positive outlook on anything. No true goals or ambitions in my life. This has all changed for me now and thank god I am not that person. I still worry that I am still dreaming and will wake up and be that old version of me. I hate her and will do almost anything to not be her again. But thanks to her I can appreciate every thing that much more now. I can smile and it's a real smile-straight from the heart. 
     So, on different note. I have crossed over into a size 12 jeans. This is the first time I have been able to wear this size in about oh, say about 15 years. When I see this number I am, once again, amazed that I let myself go for so long.

Ok, Just over 4 months out now and loving life!!!! I have crossed over to the the just "overweight " category. I am so happy to be not only out of the extremely obsese, but also out of the obese category in general. My weight loss is close to 72lbs, which I still can't believe. I still worry that this has just been a dream I am going to wake up and be huge and hating my life/self again. I never want to go back again. I never want to be that girl again. So, a BMI of 29.5. Who new?  Crazy excited. Ok another great thing is the fact that my size 16's are falling off me.  Last month I took all of my really fat clothes to the Good will. That was one the most liberating experiences I have had since this I had the surgery. For the first time in my life I can say I am never going back. NEVER. I love my life now. I like who I am. I am truly happy. There is no way I would ever give this up. The best part is that it is going to get better yet. I am only 4 months out. I still have more weight to loose and my whole life to live. I am by no means done with my weight loss. This is hands down the best decision I have ever made for myself in my entire life. I finally feel alive. Strange how we can be living, but not really alive. Thank you god for giving me this second chance at life.

Ok, I am now just over 3 months out from surgery and am feeling really great. It's the first time in a really long time that I can truly say that. I"m down 60 lbs, which is a crazy number. I never really believed that I would make it to this point. I love that I am wearing a size 14/16, my thighs don't rub together anymore or the fact that I no longer have a double chin. I have alot of energy, I just wish I had more time to do things I really love to do. Before, I had time, but no energy. Now it is in reverse. But, hey, I would rather be here than there. I'll take less time over less energy anyday.  We just went on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach last week. It was awesome!!! We had such a great time. Again, for the first time in a long time I really enjoyed myself and didn't feel like I needed to hide nor felt embarrassed. I actually was proud of myself and how I look. I know that I am by no means the hottest chic (or even close) but I am confident now. That says alot. Yay me!

Just over 2 months out & am down just over 50lbs. Overall I feel pretty good, but have been batteling chronic constipation for about 2 solid weeks. I did see my Dr last week and he says to me "it's ok and it will resolve". REALLY? Well here I am and it still persists. I am now consuming miralx daily just to be able to go a small amount. I am worried that my body will become somewhat dependent and I will never be regular on my own again.
On a good note I will be in Myrtle Beach in just under 2 weeks for a nice week long vacation with my family. I am looking forward to being able to wear a bathing suit for the first time in years. I know I don't look like the best body out there, but at least I don't have to be so self conscious and the constant need to "hide".

So, I am just a little over 6 weeks post-op and am now a good solid 40 lbs down. 40 pounds that I will never see again. Good bye! My first month the weight literally fell off. It is going much slower now. Of course as impatient as I am I wish it would go faster. I so want to be under 200 lbs in the worst way. I haven't weighed 190 anything since like the 1990's. That is so scary. My size 18 clothes are becoming baggy on me now, but am feeling hesitant to try a smaller size. Very scared that they will be too tight  and really not ready for any disappointment. So I will stick to my size 18's for a bit longer. I have a trip to the beach planned for August and am already having some anxiety about wearing a bathing suit. I really want to, but haven't in alot of years. (too many to count) My 13 yr old daughter is really a great inspiration. She is like a little mini coach. she pays attention to my protein intake and finds new recipes to try. How lucky am I. We are spending alot more quality mother-daughter time together...now that I have more energy than ever before. We do alot of hiking together which gives us a lot more time to talk. Again, can I say, How lucky am I to have such a great daughter. I could not ask for a better daughter. She is so awesome. (My biggest fan) I feel so blessed. I love my new life.