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I just can't handle the attacks on people any more who ask food questions.  The self-righteousness of some people has just gotten under my skin, and I'm done with it.  I'll miss the few that were supportive, but there's just too many that aren't, or are plain out rude to other people saying they're trying to "help" or use "tough love".  It's BS. 

Thank you to those that were helpful!

When Kirk and I went to the Nutritionist for our class, one of the questions I asked her was "How do you know when you're genuinely hungry?"   Her response was "That's a good question, not one I get very often.  Your stomach might gurgle, start to hurt, feel empty, you'll start salivating."

For about 5 days now I've felt like my stomach has been trying to digest it's own lining.  Until yesterday I had basically no digestible food, and was consuming about 60 calories a day because all this protein crap was making me sick.  Was I throwing up? No, because I couldn't even get to the point to let it cross my lips.  My biggest fear was ending up throwing up and tearing stitches out of my stomach, yeah, I know not likely, but I have enough pain and bad luck.  I don't need anymore.

I succeeded in getting a little more fluid and a little more protein in yesterday (friday, Day 8), but clear liquids only go so far to make you feel full or even remotely satisfied.  So today, I gave in.  I ate 4 teaspoons (TEAspoons) of unsweetened applesauce, over the course of 2 hours.  Then about 1/10 of a teaspoon of refried beans, and an even smaller amount of chicken, which was very moist.  I chewed the chicken, until I felt like it was liquid in my mouth.  I feel better. My stomach isn't burning, I don't feel like I'm going to go crazy from pure hunger, and maybe I didn't follow doctors orders to a T, but I did what I had to do to feel better.

Maybe not every rule fits every patient.  Did I eat a steak with all the fixings? No, did I eat sugar or something I knew was plainly bad for me?  No.  I ate a tiny bit of what I would eat on thursday, 5 days early.  

I told a friend what I had done, and she said "Oh no!  What can we do to make you be on liquids for the next 5 days?  We need to get you some willpower!"   This offended me.  Because some doctor somewhere wrote a general script for "everyone" to follow, I'm supposed to ignore blatant cues from my body telling me "I need food".  

There have been times in the last 6 days, where I felt like I was fighting to stay concious, I was scared friday morning considered asking my husband to come home to be with me incase something happened.  I couldn't wake up from my sleep, I was aware enough to know I was in trouble, but didn't feel like I could do much about it.  I lucked out, I managed to get my new protein drinks off my porch, not with out major effort and feeling like I was going to faint.  

Now I feel like I have to explain myself to someone who has no idea what I'm going through.  I feel like I owe myself an explaination for my failure.  But did I really fail because I couldn't make it 14 days with out food, some arbitrary number that is supposed to be the notorious "One size fits all".   As fat people we should all know that "One size fits very few".  

Physically I feel better, mentally...I actually feel a little more alert, emotionally I feel like a failure.  But what else is new in the life of this already depressed agoraphobe.

Somethings never change.

NO F'ING GOOD!

I really don't know how to explain the lack of food to you.  It's all consuming.  I DREAM about food.  But I also dream that I catch myself eating it knowing that I'm doing damage to my body.  Lasagna and garlic bread, In & Out double double animal style, bbq chicken, ribs.  I'm going insane.  I have moments when I feel like I'm literally going to lose my mind if I don't eat something.  I can only imagine this is what detox feels like.  Strangely I don't want "a lot".  I'm not in the mood for "take me to an all you can eat buffet so I can bankrupt the place", just more of give me 6 bites of X, Y, Z.  Come on, just 6 bites.

Day 4 was probably the most miserable.  The yearning for food made be so angry, emotional, frustrated, sad, I think I had every food emotion possible.  Do I feel hungry, yes.  Sometimes, but I'm having a hard time getting protein in, so I really do feel like I'm starving.  This is true for days 4-6, all of them.   Protein powder, shakes, Isopure, those freakin' gasoline tasting new whey shots, all make me gag.  I try to get close enough to drink it and the smell overwhelms me and makes me want to start dry heaving.  I just simply can't.  Is it mental?  Maybe, am I willing to chance it? No frikkin' way.  I'm miserable enough with out the issues that would give me if I did end up spitting it back up.  

Today (Day 7), hasn't been quite as bad in the "I'm so bitchy I can barely stand myself" department.  I've had my moments where I felt like if I didn't eat something right then my entire body would explode in rebellion.  The little devil on my shoulder kept saying "There's a lean cuisine lasagna in the freezer, that can't be too bad! Go nuke it and see what happens".  Then logic kicks in and says "It's pasta, it's tomato-y acid, it's cheese...and it's gonna hurt like holy hell if you eat it, not to mention it WILL come back up because you're just not ready for food."   Ready or not, here I...ok, ok, I haven't cheated, although I smell someone cooking bell peppers right now, and I'm thinking about going to crash their dinner party.  What's with me and the green peppers??? I like them and all, but sheesh, never liked them that much.  I guess.

Today my dear friends from Susan Branch Studios sent me flowers for encouragment and love, it was the sweetest thing ever.  A totally shocking suprise, a grand bouquet of Stargazer Lily's, lilacs, roses and beautiful greens.  I had no idea they were coming, and never would have guessed who they were from.  When I opened the card I cried.  It was so sweet.    Sue, Judy and Kellee have all been uber supportive of this since I told them.  I couldn't ask for better friends!

So I talked to my doctors office today and told them I couldn't get any protein in.  All that protein crap makes me sick.  So she suggested Proti-Diet drinks.  Supposedly they're really good.  We'll see how much they taste like jet fuel to me.  They come in a little packet with LIQUID not powder.  Reviews say they're good, someone recommended them to me on the OH chat room.  Doc says they're a complete protein, so I spent $75 on getting things overnighted to me because I can't do the other stuff.

The one good thing about today.  Drinking water doesn't seem to hurt anymore.  So I've gotten more liquids in today than I have in the last 7 days put together.  Go me.   Finally.  I think I'm getting kidney stones.  Hopefully I can start suckin' down the fluids so I don't end up with more trouble.

Guess I've ranted enough for a day or two, I see there have actually been a few people perusing my blog.  Wow, I'm honored, thanks all of you!  Keep posting.  It makes me feel good to know I'm not the only one on this spiralling hell bound boat.  Oh, wait, they keep telling me it'll get better....right now...I'm not so sure.

Day 3, Sunday, was a hard day for me.  I woke up not feeling too well, sore and achy and just kind of miserable.  It didn't seem to get better through the day.  I couldn't stomach the thoughts of any proteins.  I did try to get down some pudding with meds and protein powder, but after that was gone, I couldn't imagine getting any more in.  The only thing that seemed ok after that was popsicles and crystal light slurpees.   So that's what I had. 

I get really emotional once I'm in pain.  Thinking about how I regret doing this and what not but if I'm not in pain, I'm not having a very hard time with it.  I have to admit the head hunger is a little weird.  Talking with people about food makes me "want" to eat something.  Crackers, Chicken Nuggets, Green Bell pepper (where'd that come from?), mashed potatoes all sounded good in the "i need something in my mouth" catergory.  But not so much when I thought about the pain it would cause eating it.   Over all day 3 has been the roughest for me so far.  I can't really pinpoint why, but I was glad to go to bed and have the day done with.  

Kirk and I managed to get out of the house for a while, we went to do some shopping.  Ended up trekking around looking for a margarita maker, we didn't find the one we wanted, but by the time we would order it and it would get here, I'd be moving on to pureed foods anyway.   We went to GNC to try to get some of those protein shooters, I tried one later in the day, oh my god, I about gagged to death.  It tasted beyond horrible.  I think those were a wasted purchase.  Glad I didn't get a whole case of them!  I'll try a different flavor later on when I'm more in tune to having something other than a slurpee.

I try to stretch the time out a little more after each medication dose, last night I went 8 hours between lortab elixir doses.  Around hour 7  I started to have a little mental freak out.  "Is this going to be this painful for the rest of my life?  Is this something I'm going to have to think about 24/7 for the rest of my life so I don't "screw up"?  Is this gas ever going to go away?"  I talked to my husband about it and started to cry with regret and pain.   Then it dawned on me...My stomach hurts.  I had a mental symptom before I really realized the physical symptom.    When I start having regrets, and becoming overly emotional about it, it's because there is physical pain I'm not paying attention to.  Once I took my lortab I was fine again, the pain subsided, the mental anguish subsided and I was back up and walking and doing what i need to do.   

Just something to think about for those of you who haven't gone through this yet. :)

I went in to the hospital on Thursday morning at 5 am, and was in my room about 11:30.  I walked from the gurney to my bed with out any problems.  About 20 minutes later I got my new roommate Karin.  She had the same surgery I did just by a different doctor. 

We kept each other company during the very long night and are keeping in touch now. :) 

I'm able to add about an hour between meds every time I take them.  So now I'm up to about 7 hours between doses of meds.  Only got in 30 grams of protein today, hopefully tomorrow I can get more.  

Mentally I guess I'm doing ok.  I had some serious buyers remorse yesterday on my way home, but it's mostly faded.  It was just because I was emotional from the anesthesia and not feeling well.  It kind of sucks when you're feeling 100% of the bad and 0% of the good.  The whole "It gets worse before it gets better" saying is very fitting here.

Sleeping isn't as hard as I thought it would be.  The gas pains are a little worse than I expected.  I walk as much as I can and it helps minimally. 

I can't really explain what's in my head right now.  I'm having a debate that goes something like this:

Emotional side: "Noooo, don't take away my food! Please don't take away my food! "

Logical side: "But you don't have to permanently give up food, there's no food restrictions after surgery.  You can have what ever you want!"   It's all going to be fine!"

Emotional side; "You're lying! You're lying! I know you are!  I'm never gonna have ice cream or pizza again! You're doing this just to be mean! "

Logical side: "I'm really not lying, you're really going to be fine!  Think of all the great things youll be able to do!"

Emotional side: ::sniffle:: "Like what?"

Logical side:  "I dunno, like...uh...like...uh..., Ok, maybe your right.  Maybe you're gonna starve to death, and this whole thing is going to fail, and you're going to live miserably ever after because you can't have the foods you love.  Just do it and shut up already!" 

I guess I picked a good day to start blogging about this experience.  After I posted my initial post, I had a total surgery meltdown.  I'm a little embarrassed about this, but I want it all out there because this is my reality.  I know I'm in the company of supportive people.

Money has been tight this last month.  Kirk and I usually go out to eat on the weekends for dinner.  Having only $80 in the checking account, and it being spoken for wasn't really condusive to going out for an elaborate meal.  I'm 3 weeks away from surgery, actually less than that now, and I am/was feeling deprived because I couldn't have the food I wanted before this drastic change.  Who knows if Ill ever be able to eat a chili dog again.  Or a steak.  Or who knows what for that matter.   This financial crisis couldn't have come at a worse time.   I know it's not my last meal, but it still kinda feels like it.  I want to enjoy a few things before this change happens.  I know, it's warped thinking.  But knowing I can "NEVER" have something again would put me over the edge, and I *KNOW* that's not really the case.  I feel like I just have to get in a few more "goodies".   As far as I'm concerned my surgery date is set in stone.  I don't have any desire or want to change it, but I just want a few more things before hand.

So getting this upset over not being able to go out to eat (with surgery fast approaching) it made me wonder, maybe food is more important than being thin.  Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing?  Am I going to fail at this because food is more important to me than anything else?  Is this a big mistake?  Seriously...AM I GOING TO FAIL?!?!

The answer is:  I don't know. 

I don't want to fail.  I want to be a normal size some day.  I want to be healthy, energetic, and fun.  But will I?  I don't know.

Food is important to me.  Now if only I could make it "Good food that is good for me is important to me" I'd be all set later on. 

My meltdown is over now that I charged $19 on a credit card to eat some Weinerschnitzel.  I don't feel deprived, or freaked out anymore.  I hope it doesn't happen this way after surgery!

I'm 32 years old as of writing this.  I weigh (currently) 351 pounds, and have surgery scheduled in 23 days.   My highest weight ever was around 390, but I was mostly stable in the 360 area when I wasn't just pigging out on everything I could find.

I've been fat my entire life.  I honestly can't remember ever being a normal size.  At 11 years old I was 211 pounds and a size 24 in 7th grade.  I think I vaguely remember being a 16 in about 3rd grade.  You can imagine the things I went through in school and what not. 

Now, here I am grown up.  I'm severely depressed, agoraphobic, I hate leaving my house.  I am married to a great guy named Kirk who is also significantly overweight and will be having WLS hopefully in January of 2011.  We live in a little town between Santa Barbara and Monterey in beautiful California.  We have two cats, Zeke and Whispurr who are our "furbabies", no human kids are planned any time soon, if ever. 

We started the WLS process in December.  On December 5, 2009 we attended a seminar put on by our doctor, David Thoman of Santa Barbara.   It was very informative, and put a lot of my wonder and worry to sleep.  I started my pre-op testing in February.  Every time I have had a test something new would pop up that would mean I couldn't go further.  So I'm finally through all that, and had my pre-op consult on 5/7/10.  I started my pre-op vitamin regimen on 5/13, added Juice Plus on 5/14 and that brings us up to date.