Question:
Anyone find their spouse didn't want THEM anymore once thin?
Hi all again! Well, all during my pre-op phase I read how many many marriages are affected by the WLS, usually though, it seemed to be a case of the post-oper not wanting their spouse anymore, and NOT the other way around. My husband has been strangely "detached" for the last few months and whenever any of our friends have gone all crazy and commented on how great I look and stuff, he just nods and has to add a "but..." to it!! LIke, "yeah, but she really needs to work out now..." or something along those lines. He always commented (pre-op) how I would get skinny and leave him but I didn't really plan on it, but I can't figure out if he's playing cool in case I really do leave him (not to show his hurt) or what?? Last time I lost a good chunk of weight, things were much different between us (better, I think, esp in the libido dept) so I am really really confused here. Has anyone else found that their DH really didn't want them thin? NOw he's even commenting that he hopes I don't "melt away" to nothing!! (I'm probably 15-20 lbs from real goal wt) This is a guy that is your typical latin, ok? Brazilian.. . land of beautiful tanned thin women (ok, so they have no boobs but great butts. . .I'm kinda lacking in both right now! LOL!) Please help, cuz u know, I really don't have a lot more tolerance for it anymore. I thought it would make this incredible difference in our relationship but not THIS kind of difference... =( Blessings, — ChristiMNB (posted on May 19, 2002)
May 19, 2002
In all honesty sounds like you need to sit your husband down for a good
heart to heart. The man I date is having trouble with me losing weight,
and although he says he can't put it into words I know its his own
insecurities. And I have to say he has said to me many times that he
doesnt know if he will still be attracted to me. ( he is currently overseas
with the air force. He hasnt seen me since 1 month post op) Although his
statement has hurt me, I know its something I have to deal with and we have
both decided to wait till he comes home ( sept) and have a long heart to
heart then. But he has sorta agreed with me that it is his insecurities
and that he is trying to make lemonade out of lemons.
— Diane Rhoads
May 19, 2002
Hi; Gosh can I relate to you. I am 9 mos post op and my husband has only
come near me "intimately"4 times since my surgery. He always has
comments about how "skinney" I am getting and that this surgery
probably wasn't a good idea because "look how unhealthy I look
now". I tolerate his snide remarks because we have 13 years into our
marriage and I'm not willing to walk away from that. He has even gone as
far as hiding some of my "skinney" clothes from me, telling me
that his big T shirts and my jeans look much better. I hope he gets past
this...He refuses to go to counseling...I have ABSOLUTELY put my foot down
and told him that I'm not going to change ANYTHING about the way I look
now..I'm not going to gain weight in order to stay married to him...He'll
either get over it or else....I would have thought that my husband would
have been my #1 support system....gosh did I get fooled....
— Joi G.
May 19, 2002
Hey, sorry to hear that you're having hubby troubles. I've had my share,
some of my own making, some not. One thing I have learned is that a lot of
their "weird" behavior is from insecurity. My Dh went for a month
acting almost angry at me. He finally broke down in TEARS-which shocked me-
and siad he was afraid that I would leave him. Sit down when the time is
right and talk to him, when you don't have kids hollering or the tv on. Let
him know how much those "buts" hurt and how hard you've worked.
See if the two of you can find out together what's going on. Maybe he's
just trying to keep you "grounded" like he's afraid that you will
get the idea that you look so good you can do better, whether he realizes
it or not. Lots of love and luck,and congratulations on your weight loss!
And NO, his big t-shirts and jeans do not LOOK better! LOL E-mail me if
you'd like! Blessings, Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
May 20, 2002
Can everyone stand up and say "INSECURE!"?!? My ex-husband used
to tell me I was fat and when I would go on a diet and lose 30 lbs, he
would then try to feed me my favorite junkfood and tell me that I was
losing too much. I got my RNY 1 year after I divorced him. (Something he
would of NEVER let me do when I was with him.) My self-esteem has
sky-rocketed since then. I last saw him about a month ago for his
"semi-annual" visit of our daughter. (another story completely)
He told me that he didn't like the way I looked now that I was skinny. I
just smiled at him and told him that there was nothing I could do about it
now and how funny it was that he was the only one who thought
that.....sometimes these husbands and boyfriends like to see us fat because
they feel they have more control and we won't stry so easily. It's all
their own INSECURITIES!!! Don't let him bring your self-esteem down! If a
heart-to-heart doesn't work, tell him to deal with it or push on! Good
Luck!
— Gina L.
May 20, 2002
I agree that you need to talk to your husband and find out his true
feelings, if that is possible...I know how latin men can be
too...lol...mine is Spanish. Although I don't necessarily think that it is
insecurity that doesn't want you thin. There are actually men out there
that are only attracted to the fuller figured woman. I have the same
issues with my latino man that he doesn't want me to have surgery because
he loves me the way that I am...my big butt and round stomach included. He
just has never been attracted to thin women and has admitted to me, that
even though he loves me no matter what, he doesn't know if he would be
physically attracted to me if I lost a lot of weight. But that is a chance
I am willing to take to be healthier.
— ImANewDee
Click Here to Return