Question:
How do I deal with this?

My doctor said I was an excellent candidate for WLS. When I told my wife this, she broke down in tears. She doesn't want me to have surgery. I am going to try dieting again, but after years of trying dieting I know what the results will be. I would never want to upset her, she means the world to me. Chuck    — Charles B. (posted on September 22, 2000)


September 22, 2000
Chuck, your wife's fears are perfectly normal, and many of us experience this type of reaction when telling a loved one. The first thing to do is to acknowledge your wife's fears and understand that she is so afraid of losing you. I am sure you already know this, as you sound like a very caring and concerned spouse. Make sure that you are sharing your WLS research with her. Yes, there are risks associated with WLS, as there are with ANY invasive procedure. But if she looks at the actual numbers and is able to get past her emotions, she will realize that the risks assocated with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, debilitating arthritis, and a whole host of other heath issues are far, far greater than the chances of you dying from the surgery. You're lucky - your doctor supports WLS - that's half the battle right there. I had 2 doctors tell me I could die on the table. My response was that I would rather have a heart attack on the table in a hospital room full of life saving equipment rather than in my car driving on the highway or worse yet, in my sleep alone. This has to be your decision - one that you're comfortable with. WLS will give you the tools you need to take conrtol of your life and your health AND be around for many more years to come - enjoying your family and friends. What will your quality of life be like without WLS? Maybe not next week or tomorrow, but years down the road? If you needed a heart transplant, would your wife say no? What if you needed a kidney transplant or a bone marrow transplant? She loves you, and it's my guess she would never prevent you from doing what was necessary to save your life. WLS is no different. The problem is that society in general still thinks that obesity is the result of no will power and laziness. We all know it's simply not true. We all know diets won't work - certainly not in the long run. So until medical science finds a cure for obesity - which is a disease - then WLS is our best chance right now. I have no doubt this will change in the future, but it's what we have to work with for the moment. The other thing you need to consider is the security of your relationship. Is your wife obese as well? If she is, she may feel that if you do something about your obesity, that somehow you won't have use for her or find her attractive any more. Assure her that you love her, and this will not change just because you've had surgery. If she is obese, she may also feel powerless about her own situation and may in fact feel a little jealous that you are taking control of your destiny. The other hard question that you must ask yourself is whether or not she uses your obesity as a means of control. This is quite common. As obese people, we are often made to feel that we have to accept what we can get - second best. Only you can evaluate whether or not control is an issue here. If it's just fear, you're lucky, because you can easily turn this around - provided that she's open to learning more about WLS. Print her a bunch of materials from the web. Take her to your next doctor's appointment. Find the nearest support group in your area and take her with you. Both of you will meet many others who are going through it, including spouses. But the bottom line is that this is YOUR decision about YOUR health. I applaud you for not wanting to upset your wife. She obviously means a great deal to you, and you care for her feelings, but she may not be able to support your decision to have WLS until AFTER the surgery when she sees the health and personal results that come with it. I know it's hard, but by taking care of your health for the long term, you are also taking care of your relationship in the long term. Also, don't hesitate to seek counseling together. It will help take away the raw emotion and put things into perspective. I wish you both the very best. :)
   — Paula G.

September 22, 2000
Chuck, My husband is not in favor either. His fears may come from the heart bypass he had last September. Either way, I have to do this. I love my husband dearly but if he made it a choice between him and the surgery he would probably win at the moment but I wonder what kind of strain that would put on the marriage? I know he is opposed but I must do it anyway. He does not live in my body. Marty
   — Marty R.

September 22, 2000
Chuck, your wife may be very afraid of loseing you, either because of the surgery or after wards to another woman. It could be that she is worried you may not survive which is a possiability in any major surgery. You could also be killed crossing the street tomorrow. Your wife needs to be educated about any one of the obesity related health problems that could kill you today. This surgery is not a "cop out" nor is it a garauntee your life will be good if you have it done. You have to decide this for yourself and not for anyone or anything else. Good luck to you!
   — char T.

September 22, 2000
Chuck: I don't know your situation...health, etc. but I currently need 4 joint replacements and no one will touch me because I weigh 295 pounds. My doctor has told me that he thinks WLS is the only thing that will work for me. I have been researching it at this and other sites for a couple of months. My wife has not come right out and said she is against WLS but has been very reluctant to talk about it. I have not yet confronted her about it but probably will soon. It hurts to have the person you love most in the world not be as enthusiastic about something as you are. I deal with so many conflicting emotions on a daily basis. I have shared this with none of our friends. I feel like I am trapped in a box with no way out. One day I want the surgery and the next day I am not so sure. I joined Weight Watchers this week because of peer pressure and it feels good to at least be doing something about my problem. But I am not at all sure it is the answer. Ultimately, the decision to have this surgery has to be ours and ours alone. WE are the ones who deal with the problems associated with obesity. No matter how much someone loves us, it is one of the most personal decisions we will make. Hang in there and know that there are probably a lot of people praying for you as you make your decsion. I know I will. Charles
   — Charles R.

September 22, 2000
Chuck...I think most of us have had family really afraid for this and ourselves also...I havn't had the surgery yet(working real hard on making my 2 ins companies pay for my surgery)But I can tell you that several family members have tried to convince me this was not the way to go. I have managed to keep the quest a postive one. My husband is now supportive but he does slip every now and then "why don't you just stop eating" etc.... I think the more educated she becomes the less afraid she will be.
   — Debora H.

September 22, 2000
Chuck, it sounds as if there is more to the story than what is being told. Being heavy, (over weight) is not healthy! I am sure your wife would like you around for many years, and as far as that goes if you have children they would also like to have you around. Chuck, you and I know all to well about dieting... the ups and downs, both the weight and emotions. Although you should be more optimistic about your dieting plans. Would it be sound if you were to propose to your wife a short term plan with goals, this may include a logical diet. There should also be some participation on your wifes behalf. Encourage her to learn more about Bariatric Surgery. Set a goal and time frame, but be positive. Explain to your wife what it is like to diet and then to gain it back again. Both of you can go to some support groups that deal with obesity, this may prove to be a turning point for both you and your wife. My last few thoughts are these, 1) Your health is at risk if you wait to long. 2)If you are under 60 years old, over 100lbs from your ideal weight, your health is suffering, and you have tried and tried many diets... HAVE THE SURGERY!!!. 3) Chuck, is there a remote chance that your wife feels that she may loose you to another woman after you loose the weight? (just a thought) I know you you will make the right choice, but it has to be for yourself, not anyone else... YOURSELF. Here is to less of you! Rick Sherman
   — Rick S.

September 22, 2000
Hiya Chuck!! Being a wife myself i know what she may be feeling..My hubby was an Officer of the Law(he has changed jobs since..wooowoo!!!) and eveyday he went out the door i would worry for his safety. I know this is not exactly the same but the feelings are over the worry of your safety. She probably thinks i love my husband big or small and as long as i have him with me there is no way I want him to risk NOT being with me over weight. What she is not seeing is the whole picture. Im not sure of your weight or health issues or age but if you are a candidate for WLS then chances are things arent wonderful for you. I too am in the gathering information stage of WLS and i have been totally honest with my husband as to why i want and NEED this surgery. He understands life is hard for me mentally and physically. I am lucky he is supportive but he is supportive ONLY because i have given him the DIM long ranged outlook on our life together if i dont do something NOW to change my body. No matter how drastic. We want to have many years together with our children and not just live in the "here and now". I have told him how unhappy i am being overweight and the simple little things that people take for granted like WALKING, SEAT BELTS, FITTING INTO A BATHTUB, EATING IN PUBLIC WITHOUT FEELING THE STARES OF OTHERS, RIDING A ROLLER COASTER @ THE AMUSEMENT PARKS. These things may sound trivial but to an obese person it represents all the things we cant do. The most important are the health issues that await us all and your wife needs to see the reality in that. She loves you and thats a wonderful thing. She just needs to see that the kind of happiness you seek is one she cannot give you. Its one you must do for yourself and her. Ask her to go to a few support group meetings with you and speak to other spouses or couples before you commit to surgery so she may see first hand and gather her own information without feeling like shes being forced into being supportive with your surgery. She may come around on her own. I know most people are afraid of what they dont understand and this is why she needs the FACTS and the PROs and CONs. You need to(and i know this is hard for most men)be brutally honest with her and lose some pride and explain why you have a need for this. Iam a very strong woman who doesnt let much knock me down (as far as the world outside sees)but i had to make some very personal feelings and some very embarrassing aspects of my life known to my husband. Ones he didnt know because i pretended they werent there. I had to swallow some of my strength and become completely open to him so he would SEE what i was feeling like being obese. HE loves me and is worried too but he knows I am not doing much "living" in a sense of the word and he wants me happy. I hope you can work this out and i know i have been long winded but iam hoping i have helped a wee bit...INVOLVE your wife every step of the way so she is informed and becomes a very real part of this. Shes going to be the one there for you after is all is said and done. PS...my hubby needed reassurance i was doing this for the health issues and so i will be happy and not so i can dump him and go find another man. I know it sounds funny but its a biggie with alot of partners of WLS patients. They need reassurance that they will still be what YOU want when you can easily find others when the weight is gone....REASSURE her....BE WELL CHUCK...GOODLUCK....hug your wife for all of us.
   — Tracy L.

September 22, 2000
Hi Chuck, Sounds as if the two of you need to talk about her fears in some detail. Your wife may have a fear of losing you, whether through surgery or weight loss. Many similaryly overweight marriage partners are afraid once their hubby/wife loses the weight, they won't then love the other one who hasn't. Also, everyone is afraid of the unknown. There are a lot of myths about the surgeries out there too. Let her read all the research and statistics on the surgery and concerning the extra weight. She has a greater chance of losing you from related illnesses if you retain the extra weight. Best of luck to you both.
   — [Anonymous]

June 8, 2001
CHUCK ITS SAD BUT ITS SEEMS TO BE COMMON THE OTHER SPOUSE IS INSECURE. I HAVE HAD WLS DONE TWICE NOW. REMEMBER THIS IS A TOOL FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF THAT HAS TRIED DIETS AFTER DIETS WITH LITTLE OR NO SUCCESS. MY ADV TO YOU IS SEEK COUNCELING FOR YOU BOTH AND DONT WASTE ANY MORE TIME... GO FOR IT....REMEMBER YOUR PROBABLE DOING THIS FOR YOUR HEALTH...MY FAMILY WAS WORRIED OF DEATH, BUT THAT DOESNT HAPPEN VERY OFTEN. I SAY YOUR NEW LIFE BEGINS WHEN YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE THIS SURGERY.
   — [Anonymous]




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