Question:
How do I deal with this?
My doctor said I was an excellent candidate for WLS. When I told my wife this, she broke down in tears. She doesn't want me to have surgery. I am going to try dieting again, but after years of trying dieting I know what the results will be. I would never want to upset her, she means the world to me. Chuck — Charles B. (posted on September 22, 2000)
September 22, 2000
Chuck, your wife's fears are perfectly normal, and many of us experience
this type of reaction when telling a loved one. The first thing to do is
to acknowledge your wife's fears and understand that she is so afraid of
losing you. I am sure you already know this, as you sound like a very
caring and concerned spouse. Make sure that you are sharing your WLS
research with her. Yes, there are risks associated with WLS, as there are
with ANY invasive procedure. But if she looks at the actual numbers and is
able to get past her emotions, she will realize that the risks assocated
with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, debilitating arthritis,
and a whole host of other heath issues are far, far greater than the
chances of you dying from the surgery. You're lucky - your doctor supports
WLS - that's half the battle right there. I had 2 doctors tell me I could
die on the table. My response was that I would rather have a heart attack
on the table in a hospital room full of life saving equipment rather than
in my car driving on the highway or worse yet, in my sleep alone. This has
to be your decision - one that you're comfortable with. WLS will give you
the tools you need to take conrtol of your life and your health AND be
around for many more years to come - enjoying your family and friends.
What will your quality of life be like without WLS? Maybe not next week or
tomorrow, but years down the road? If you needed a heart transplant, would
your wife say no? What if you needed a kidney transplant or a bone marrow
transplant? She loves you, and it's my guess she would never prevent you
from doing what was necessary to save your life. WLS is no different. The
problem is that society in general still thinks that obesity is the result
of no will power and laziness. We all know it's simply not true. We all
know diets won't work - certainly not in the long run. So until medical
science finds a cure for obesity - which is a disease - then WLS is our
best chance right now. I have no doubt this will change in the future, but
it's what we have to work with for the moment. The other thing you need to
consider is the security of your relationship. Is your wife obese as well?
If she is, she may feel that if you do something about your obesity, that
somehow you won't have use for her or find her attractive any more. Assure
her that you love her, and this will not change just because you've had
surgery. If she is obese, she may also feel powerless about her own
situation and may in fact feel a little jealous that you are taking control
of your destiny. The other hard question that you must ask yourself is
whether or not she uses your obesity as a means of control. This is quite
common. As obese people, we are often made to feel that we have to accept
what we can get - second best. Only you can evaluate whether or not
control is an issue here. If it's just fear, you're lucky, because you can
easily turn this around - provided that she's open to learning more about
WLS. Print her a bunch of materials from the web. Take her to your next
doctor's appointment. Find the nearest support group in your area and take
her with you. Both of you will meet many others who are going through it,
including spouses. But the bottom line is that this is YOUR decision about
YOUR health. I applaud you for not wanting to upset your wife. She
obviously means a great deal to you, and you care for her feelings, but she
may not be able to support your decision to have WLS until AFTER the
surgery when she sees the health and personal results that come with it. I
know it's hard, but by taking care of your health for the long term, you
are also taking care of your relationship in the long term. Also, don't
hesitate to seek counseling together. It will help take away the raw
emotion and put things into perspective. I wish you both the very best.
:)
— Paula G.
September 22, 2000
Chuck,
My husband is not in favor either. His fears may come from the heart
bypass he had last September. Either way, I have to do this. I love my
husband dearly but if he made it a choice between him and the surgery he
would probably win at the moment but I wonder what kind of strain that
would put on the marriage? I know he is opposed but I must do it anyway.
He does not live in my body.
Marty
— Marty R.
September 22, 2000
Chuck, your wife may be very afraid of loseing you, either because of the
surgery or after wards to another woman. It could be that she is worried
you may not survive which is a possiability in any major surgery. You could
also be killed crossing the street tomorrow. Your wife needs to be educated
about any one of the obesity related health problems that could kill you
today. This surgery is not a "cop out" nor is it a garauntee your
life will be good if you have it done. You have to decide this for yourself
and not for anyone or anything else. Good luck to you!
— char T.
September 22, 2000
Chuck: I don't know your situation...health, etc. but I currently need 4
joint replacements and no one will touch me because I weigh 295 pounds. My
doctor has told me that he thinks WLS is the only thing that will work for
me. I have been researching it at this and other sites for a couple of
months. My wife has not come right out and said she is against WLS but has
been very reluctant to talk about it. I have not yet confronted her about
it but probably will soon. It hurts to have the person you love most in
the world not be as enthusiastic about something as you are. I deal with
so many conflicting emotions on a daily basis. I have shared this with
none of our friends. I feel like I am trapped in a box with no way out.
One day I want the surgery and the next day I am not so sure. I joined
Weight Watchers this week because of peer pressure and it feels good to at
least be doing something about my problem. But I am not at all sure it is
the answer. Ultimately, the decision to have this surgery
has to be ours and ours alone. WE are the ones who deal with the problems
associated with obesity. No matter how much someone loves us, it is one of
the most personal decisions we will make. Hang in there and know that
there are probably a lot of people praying for you as you make your
decsion. I know I will. Charles
— Charles R.
September 22, 2000
Chuck...I think most of us have had family really afraid for this and
ourselves also...I havn't had the surgery yet(working real hard on making
my 2 ins companies pay for my surgery)But I can tell you that several
family members have tried to convince me this was not the way to go. I have
managed to keep the quest a postive one. My husband is now supportive but
he does slip every now and then "why don't you just stop eating"
etc.... I think the more educated she becomes the less afraid she will be.
— Debora H.
September 22, 2000
Chuck, it sounds as if there is more to the story than what is being told.
Being heavy, (over weight) is not healthy! I am sure your wife would like
you around for many years, and as far as that goes if you have children
they would also like to have you around. Chuck, you and I know all to well
about dieting... the ups and downs, both the weight and emotions. Although
you should be more optimistic about your dieting plans. Would it be sound
if you were to propose to your wife a short term plan with goals, this may
include a logical diet. There should also be some participation on your
wifes behalf. Encourage her to learn more about Bariatric Surgery. Set a
goal and time frame, but be positive. Explain to your wife what it is like
to diet and then to gain it back again. Both of you can go to some support
groups that deal with obesity, this may prove to be a turning point for
both you and your wife.
My last few thoughts are these, 1) Your health is at risk if you wait to
long. 2)If you are under 60 years old, over 100lbs from your ideal weight,
your health is suffering, and you have tried and tried many diets... HAVE
THE SURGERY!!!. 3) Chuck, is there a remote chance that your wife feels
that she may loose you to another woman after you loose the weight? (just a
thought)
I know you you will make the right choice, but it has to be for yourself,
not anyone else... YOURSELF.
Here is to less of you!
Rick Sherman
— Rick S.
September 22, 2000
Hiya Chuck!! Being a wife myself i know what she may be feeling..My hubby
was an Officer of the Law(he has changed jobs since..wooowoo!!!) and
eveyday he went out the door i would worry for his safety. I know this is
not exactly the same but the feelings are over the worry of your safety.
She probably thinks i love my husband big or small and as long as i have
him with me there is no way I want him to risk NOT being with me over
weight. What she is not seeing is the whole picture. Im not sure of your
weight or health issues or age but if you are a candidate for WLS then
chances are things arent wonderful for you. I too am in the gathering
information stage of WLS and i have been totally honest with my husband as
to why i want and NEED this surgery. He understands life is hard for me
mentally and physically. I am lucky he is supportive but he is supportive
ONLY because i have given him the DIM long ranged outlook on our life
together if i dont do something NOW to change my body. No matter how
drastic. We want to have many years together with our children and not just
live in the "here and now". I have told him how unhappy i am
being overweight and the simple little things that people take for granted
like WALKING, SEAT BELTS, FITTING INTO A BATHTUB, EATING IN PUBLIC WITHOUT
FEELING THE STARES OF OTHERS, RIDING A ROLLER COASTER @ THE AMUSEMENT
PARKS. These things may sound trivial but to an obese person it represents
all the things we cant do. The most important are the health issues that
await us all and your wife needs to see the reality in that. She loves you
and thats a wonderful thing. She just needs to see that the kind of
happiness you seek is one she cannot give you. Its one you must do for
yourself and her. Ask her to go to a few support group meetings with you
and speak to other spouses or couples before you commit to surgery so she
may see first hand and gather her own information without feeling like shes
being forced into being supportive with your surgery. She may come around
on her own. I know most people are afraid of what they dont understand and
this is why she needs the FACTS and the PROs and CONs. You need to(and i
know this is hard for most men)be brutally honest with her and lose some
pride and explain why you have a need for this. Iam a very strong woman who
doesnt let much knock me down (as far as the world outside sees)but i had
to make some very personal feelings and some very embarrassing aspects of
my life known to my husband. Ones he didnt know because i pretended they
werent there. I had to swallow some of my strength and become completely
open to him so he would SEE what i was feeling like being obese. HE loves
me and is worried too but he knows I am not doing much "living"
in a sense of the word and he wants me happy. I hope you can work this out
and i know i have been long winded but iam hoping i have helped a wee
bit...INVOLVE your wife every step of the way so she is informed and
becomes a very real part of this. Shes going to be the one there for you
after is all is said and done.
PS...my hubby needed reassurance i was doing this for the health issues and
so i will be happy and not so i can dump him and go find another man. I
know it sounds funny but its a biggie with alot of partners of WLS
patients. They need reassurance that they will still be what YOU want when
you can easily find others when the weight is gone....REASSURE her....BE
WELL CHUCK...GOODLUCK....hug your wife for all of us.
— Tracy L.
September 22, 2000
Hi Chuck,
Sounds as if the two of you need to talk about her fears in some detail.
Your wife may have a fear of losing you, whether through surgery or weight
loss. Many similaryly overweight marriage partners are afraid once their
hubby/wife loses the weight, they won't then love the other one who hasn't.
Also, everyone is afraid of the unknown. There are a lot of myths about
the surgeries out there too.
Let her read all the research and statistics on the surgery and concerning
the extra weight. She has a greater chance of losing you from related
illnesses if you retain the extra weight.
Best of luck to you both.
— [Anonymous]
June 8, 2001
CHUCK ITS SAD BUT ITS SEEMS TO BE COMMON THE OTHER SPOUSE IS INSECURE. I
HAVE HAD WLS DONE TWICE NOW. REMEMBER THIS IS A TOOL FOR PEOPLE LIKE
YOURSELF THAT HAS TRIED DIETS AFTER DIETS WITH LITTLE OR NO SUCCESS. MY ADV
TO YOU IS SEEK COUNCELING FOR YOU BOTH AND DONT WASTE ANY MORE TIME... GO
FOR IT....REMEMBER YOUR PROBABLE DOING THIS FOR YOUR HEALTH...MY FAMILY WAS
WORRIED OF DEATH, BUT THAT DOESNT HAPPEN VERY OFTEN. I SAY YOUR NEW LIFE
BEGINS WHEN YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE THIS SURGERY.
— [Anonymous]
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