Question:
I have not told any family members that I'm having WLS.
How do I explain the reason I'm in the hospital ???? — Barbara F. (posted on July 5, 2003)
July 5, 2003
I have only told my sister..but I have yet to tell anyone else in my family
or any friends..I worked around a trip for work..when I got home I
explained to my 10 yr old that I had emergency surgery(it was kind of an
emergency, I needed to lose weight)...I said I had an intenstinal
blockage...that require part of my intenstines being removed..and that's
the story I have told everyone...I also developed ulcers which put me back
in the hospital which helped me explain my rapid weight loss...good
luck...stick to your guns if you do not want to tell anyone don't...
— D L.
July 5, 2003
Hi there.
I took my time to tell my immediate family. My mom was first and she was
in favor from the beginning. Then my brother and he was fine. My dad came
last because he's the kind that believed in just diet/exercise -- very old
fashioned. When I finally told him, for the 1st hour I kept thinking I
wish I hadn't told him because he did give me some grief (he really loves
me to pieces, he just worries a lot). I then told him that I wanted him to
come to a seminar with me. I had already gone 3 times before, but wanted
him to go so he could ask questions. I was fortunate that the day we went
my surgeon was the one to speak to the group. After my dad learned about
co-morbidities and what the risks are for having or not having the surgery.
The day of the seminar, 15 people came in to tell their success stories.
He was just amazed. After it was over, he gave me his blessing and now
he's my biggest supporter.
At first I thought I could go forward without telling my family, but now
that they know and are all in support, I feel much better.
Hope this helps!
— Maria G.
July 5, 2003
Hi there - I know that telling people, especially those close to you, can
sometimes be difficult. But, please keep in mind that this surgery is not
just about being in the hospital for a few days. You are making a life
change. You will eat differently, you will act differently and you will
change in ways that you cannot even foresee for yourself right now. During
that first postop year, the changes will happen very quickly and, without
explanation, observing these changes in you may cause your family concern.
Please consider telling your family what is going on and about the
decisions you have made. Give them the opportunity to be supportive and
learn more about you. If they are not receptive or are nonsupportive....
then, at least, they will understand why your eating habits have changed!
I wish you the very best!
— teresa M.
July 5, 2003
WLS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF<P> Beyond that not telling is going
to cause everyone to fear you have cancer or AIDS. How often have you ever
seen someone loose weight fast and keep it off? It just doesnt happen...
Keeping it a secret will create lots of gossip. You really dont need that.
— bob-haller
July 5, 2003
i do not agree with what bob wrote. i think choosing not to tell anyone is
not about being embarrassed, but keeping your private medical history
private.just because this surgery causes you to lose weight, doesn't mean
it is not personal and serious.more power to the people who want to tell
friends and family. but it is not fair to say someone is embarrassed
because they don't want to tell. you will only be in the hospital for a
short time. unless they live with you i wouldn't say anything about going
to the hospital(if you can). wls doesn't cause you to loose weight, it is
what you choose to eat and put into your body(even wls people can fail if
they don't eat correctly). if your family asks you how you are loosing
weight..tell the truth ...you are eating differently.
— franbvan
July 5, 2003
I told my two brothers and my one sister last year that I was going to have
this surgery, but when I got the date, I didn't let them know when it was.
Not because I was hiding anything but because I knew that I wasn't going
to feel like dealing with visitors and phone calls (other than from my wife
and kids). In fact, I talked to my sister last August or September and
she asked "when are you going to have that weight loss surgery"
and I told her that I had it back in July. She asked me why I didn't tell
her, and I explained that I knew I was going to be in a lot of pain post-op
and wanted to keep visitors and phone calls to an absolute minimum.
<p>
I'm not especially close to my family (basically because of the way they
treated my wife before we were married) so I saw no need to let them know
that I was in the hospital...JR
— John Rushton
July 5, 2003
This is a very personal choice. I am a very private person and chose not
to tell anyone but a neighbor (to help with my kids) and my immediate
family. I have had to work (exercise and eat right) and they (family &
friends) have seen me do this just as I have before (just without wls). I
am not ashamed just very private as I have been with other (general)
surgeries. My children and my husband also agree. I support wls and do
talk about it with others. One day I may decide to tell more, but for now
- privacy has been the best decision for me and my family. Do what you
think is right for you - don't let anyone make the decision for you. Good
Luck and May God Bless You and Your Family!
— Post O.
July 5, 2003
Well it is a very personal choice that is for sure, me I tell anyone I know
practically.....lol If they don't agree with my decision it is tough luck
for them. I just don't want people to worry when I am gone from work and
then seeing me loosing weight so fast assuming other things so i would
rather tell now.
— Saxbyd
July 5, 2003
As for me...while I am pre-op still (and with CIGNA, God only knows when
they will become POST op..lol) I too, am a fiercly private person. When
"my time" comes, if afterwards my co-workers should question why
I was out, the "abdominal surgery" excuse works for me. As for
my employer, same things goes...it's not their business, and I'll make darn
sure of it. Maybe some day I'll reveal it.
— [Deactivated Member]
July 5, 2003
I said that I was having my GERD and hernia fixed. ALL TRUE! Nobody has to
know unless you want them to. We are all different in how we handle
"telling" Once you tell, you can't take it back, as I learned the
hard way by telling my brother and he told a mutual friend, who told
others, who told others....
— ZZ S.
July 5, 2003
I will simply tell them that I'm having either a few stones removed or a
hernia repaired.
— Renee B.
July 5, 2003
As with iany kind of surgery, there are never any promises. All kinds of
minor or major complications can arise with anyone. Tell or don''t tell
your family, but let someone know that you will be undergoing serious major
surgery. People hate to hear this, but have all your legal papers in order.
It is not a sign of negativity but realisitic. Make whatever arrangements
you need to make (not funeral, but child care, pet care). If you have kids
and/or someone who truly loves you and will miss you, tell them SOMEthing
so they don't get scared. Has your surgeon dicussed your personal risk of
blood clots? Mine sure did - I had to have a Greenfield filter put in, I
will have to wear TED hose and have an injection 2x a day to reduce that
possibility. Plus walk, walk, walk. Whatever it takes! Best wishes on your
surgery and a speedy recovery.
— Suzanne M.
July 6, 2003
In my opinion, I think your immediate family should know of your plans of
WLS. If, God forbid something happens to you, they would be the ones to
handle any arrangements. I think you should be open, honest, tell them why
you are having the surgery, inform them of the benefits and risks involved.
Involve them if necessary, if they are supportive, and ask them for
support. I do not agree with telling them lies about what type of surgery
you are having. They will either feel one of two ways: against the
surgery, or supportive. It is best to know now what type of support system
you will have post-op, so you can arrange your after care around that. I
wish you much luck and support on your journey, but please remember prayer
and a postive attitude is your best tool going into this surgery. Try to
walk, walk, walk, and walk, as soon as possible, you'll be suprised how
much better you feel. One major support entity that will never fail you,
and always be there for you, and will wallk with you through your entire
journey is God. Ask him to guide, comfort, strengthen and protect you
through your journey and beyond. He did it for me, and he continues to.
God Bless, and God keep. Good luck, and please feel free to contact me.
— Pamela C.
July 6, 2003
I posted a similar query a couple of weeks ago. Many of you are making
assumptions that are not necessarily true. I will not tell my parents that
I am having this surgery and it has nothing to do with shame or
embarrassment. They have known for years that this is what I have wanted to
do and they have been very unsupportive. Now that I have a date, I don't
want them involved. If there was a way to tell my mom that would guarantee
that she would not try to scare the shit out of me or STOP me, I would tell
her, but she lost that right with her past negative behavior toward
important decisions that I have made in my life. I plan to write "good
bye" letters and put them in a box before I go to the hospital. I may
even make a "good bye" video. Hopefully, these letters and video
will never be seen, but at least I will have peace of mind.
— beckyvee
July 6, 2003
I ALWAYS say WLS is nothing to be embarased of and heres why. These
discusions are read by many people, they arent just answers for those
involved directly in the discussion. A percentage are for whatever reason
are embarased they need surgery. After all most of us hear our entire lives
that we lack willpower. Thats just not the cause for being MO. I always
post dont be embarased to try to help those who are. There are a lot of
them out there and they read here too. These folks need some compassion and
understanding. Many of them say they dont want others to know they are
getting surgery because they are embarased they lack willpower. For those
who arent embarased it doesnt matter since its not a issue. Hopefully those
who are feel a bit better about themselves. Maybe I havent explained this
well but I am only tying to help.<P> My comment about cancer is well
grounded, I lost it all in 6 months and I was asked repeatedly are you ill?
Someone even said hows your chemo coming? Most might not be that direct but
just because they dont say it doesnt mean they arent thinking or gossiping
about it.<P> The best way to kill gossip is tell the truth.
Fortunately with people like Al Roker getting surgery its becopming more
acceptable,<P> I have only run into a couple unsupportive folks, my
step mom being the biggest offender. Her statement you didnt need surgery
was more about herself and discouraging my step sister who would
definetely qualify for surgery. I hope this better explains why I answer
this the way I do. Willpower gas nothing to do with being MO. Our psych doc
who approves every one of my surgeons patients stresses this. Because so
many feel guilty.:(
— bob-haller
July 6, 2003
I too have told very few people why I had "abdominal surgery" 2
weeks ago. My immediate family knows. I am not embarassed that I did
this, but I don't want to be watched by the self-appointed "Food
Police" for the rest of my life, nor do I want to talk about my wieght
as the major source of conversation. I have been overweight all my life,
and I can't wait to not have the issue be primary to everything I do. When
pressed, I say that I had scar tissue removed from a previous gall-bladder
removal. Your decision is a personal one. You have the right to tell
people only as you feel comfortable. Good Luck!
— Holly M.
July 6, 2003
I too, posted a question similar to this a few weeks ago and decided to
only tell the people at work that I was going to be having surgery and
would be out on medical leave for a while. I told them upfront not to ask
me what kind of surgery because it was private. They have respected that
and so far I've not heard any whisperings. As far as my family is
concerned. Up until yesterday I had only told my husband and three best
friends who are all quite supportive. I didn't want to tell anyone in my
family because I knew how negative they would be and I didn't want that
hanging over my head. Well against my better judgement I mentioned to my
overweight aunt that I was going to have the surgery and boy did I hear it.
It's not of God, she said..."I won't be climbing up on anyone's table
to let them cut my stomach in half and staple it. I love to eat too
much." She also told me " You just don't have any
willpower." I thought to myself wow how dumb was that comment.
Eating too much is what got us where we are today...overweight. I simply
said to her that I had prayed about my decision and that was that. For me,
my aunt was my lithmus test to how the rest of the family would react and
I'll tell you I've decided it's not worth all the negativity. My husband
agrees.
— A M.
July 6, 2003
**Since I find myself usually getting attacked verbally when I speak to
this question .. I wish to say. This is only my opinion. **ONLY MY
OPINION** Take what you can use from it & leave the rest for fodder.**
I have only told my 2 children & a new friend/potential boyfriend. I
have not told my employer or co-workers. Or any friends. I am not ashamed
or embarrassed, but am really not interested in hearing others
opinions,negative or positive. After all. I can get that here. I have
weighed the facts. And made what I believe is an educated decision based
upon them. I am having the surgery. I will make it work. And it really
is no one's business except my own & those I choose. When I had my
pre-op psych test. The psychologist & I discussed this very issue. I
told him that others I had heard, who disagreed, had used words such as ..
embarrass, hide, honest, & ashamed. Those words concerned me for I
didnt feel like I was being dishonest,embarrassed,ashamed or hiding
anything. And wondered if I was in some type of deniel. He said. It's a
person's conviction. Tell who you want to tell. And by all means do not
tell those you do not feel comfortable with telling. It is really very
simple. There is no right or wrong answer. My only advice is this.
Whatever your decison. Always remember. **Divulging information about
anything, not just wls. Is like losing one's virginity. Once you give it
away. There is no getting it back. No matter how hard you wish you
could.** Good luck. I am sure you will make the right decision for
yourself.
— Sarah H.
July 6, 2003
You can take this issue of disclosure one step at a time as long as you
don't announce your decision to the world from Day One. Which approach is
correct, depends on the person and situation (with respect, I disagree with
anyone who says there's a "one-size-fits-all,
"right-or-wrong" answer to this question). You can decide not to
tell anyone until after the surgery, or until a month after, or in six
months, or a year, or never. The thing is, though, that once you do tell
people, the cat is outta the bag, and there's no putting it back in. So if
there are doubts nagging at you, that lead to you feel you don't want to
disclose it right now, you're probably correct not to disclose it. Better
to be pleasantly surprised later by support you didn't expect once you
finally do "tell", than to be undermined in the stressful pre-op
or early post-op months by people reacting negatively to your decision
(yes, I know, you can educate them, or stand up for yourself, but really,
sometimes, doesn't it just get old dealing with other people poking their
noses in your business?). As far as people's speculations are concerned,
you can handle that if and when it comes up as you lose weight, in whatever
way is appropriate for your situation. Hang in there, and good luck!
— Suzy C.
July 6, 2003
I AGREE WITH PAMELA.C I TO BELIEVE THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY SHOULD KNOW
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY THINK ATLEAST YOU HAVE TOLD THEM THE TRUTH INCASE
SOMETHING SERIOUS DID HAPPEN HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WILL MAKE THEM FEEL I
THINK YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND HAVE A TALK WITH THEM AND EXPLAIN TO THEM
WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO AND EXPLAIN THE RISKS AND EVERYTHING WELL GOOD LUCK ON
WHATRVER YOU DECIDE AND I WISH YOU WELL
— JENNIFER S.
July 6, 2003
Why do people think the reason we don't want to tell folks about our
surgery is that we are in some way ashamed? I had a hysterectomy and
didn't discuss that with the rest of the world, just my husband and kids.
I had a D&C and did not feel the need to "share" with anyone
but my husband and kids. When I chose to have gastric bypass surgery, I
again chose to share it with my husband and children. It has been 10 years
since my D&C and I still don't discuss it with everyone. It's been 8
years since my hysterectomy and the general public is still unaware. It
has been 18 months since gastic bypass and I've told 2 friends besides my
immediate family. I happen to be a private person. My surgical choices
are my business. If I choose not to distress my 80 year old father by
telling him about my surgery, it is my choice. If I choose not to share my
surgical choices with the pencil thin women I work with, it is my choice.
If I do not stand at the podium and scream that "I had weight loss
surgery" at the top of my lungs, it does NOT make me ashamed or
embarassed of my choices, it makes me a private person. If Barbara chooses
to share with her family, it is entirely her choice and I will support her
decision. Personally, I told my friends and family that I was having my
gall bladder out. It was the easiest thing I could think of to satisfy
their curiousity and not cause them to ask a lot of questions. Whatever
you decide to tell them, best of luck with your upcoming surgery.
— Pam S.
July 6, 2003
I did not and have not told my family and I'm over a year post op. First
the hospital I didn't tell and then when I got home told them it was gall
bladder, not a lie it came out. I told my mom and sister it was routine
and i didnt want to bother them with it since they were busy with other
things. They we a little mad but I think they just let it go since I made
no big deal of it. As far as the rapid weigt loss, I never say how many
pounds because honestly my first 50bs loss was barley noticable and if they
dont know the numbers they dont get concerned. I had many reasons for not
sharing and being embrassed isnt one of them. You are not obligated to
tell and not evetything has to be everyones business, but with that said if
you mom is like mom my calling everyday tell her 'something" ahead of
time, my mom was mad I didnt tell her about my "gallbladder" till
I got home ;) Best of luck to you
— Laurie B.
July 6, 2003
I have told everyone and their brother about my plans for the surgery! LOL
But, that is just me. Everyone is different. I like the idea below about
writing letters. If nothing else, it is great as a personal journal
exercise. But it is really up to you to do what YOU are comfortable with.
The world is full of many different types of people. Some will fly a WLS
flag from their house, and others, would like to keep it to themselves. So
far, my 'people' have been pretty supportive. Unfortunately, there are to
many people that think they know everything, and will tell you endless
horror stories, to warn you I suppose. To make sure you are well informed,
I guess. But I know that I don't need that kind of negativity. This is
much more than a surgery, it is a new life. So, surround yourself with
positive people, and if that is a circle that stops with you, so be it.
Just do whatever YOU are comfortable with. Opinions are just that. In the
end, you weigh them, and try to do what is best for you. Good luck to you.
— TameraD
July 6, 2003
I told my closest family about the surgery before hand. People at work were
told I was going in to have surgery due to acid reflux (GERD).
— M B.
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