Question:
Post Ops: How Do I Deal With The Guilt of Not Revealing My WLS?
I decided from the beginning that I wanted my WLS to be a personal decision, and I only told a few people. Now that my weight loss is significant, (110 pounds lost), people really notice the big difference and want to know how I did it. I answer as honestly as I feel comfortable doing, and I say, "I eat high protein, low carb, and lots of water!" Then some make a comment about how they wish they could do that, and they wish they had will power like I do. I feel really guilty! I feel like I need to break down and be honest. It's almost like I'm lying. Has anyone else dealt with this dilemma? — raye (posted on August 4, 2003)
August 4, 2003
you did tell the truth..you eat high protein, low carb and lots of water.
that is NOT dishonest. let's say you were trying to have a baby, but you
were having problems and you needed medical "help" to concieve.
now think about having that baby and people saying "ohh how cute"
, would you feel dishonest about not telling them that you had to have help
to have that cute baby? YOU do have alot of willpower, so don't sell
yourself short. just because you had wls...you still get food cravings and
YOU still have to make the choice everyday to eat right. you have made a
lifelong commitment to being healty...i call that willpower. good luck to
you
— franbvan
August 4, 2003
I agree with Fran and it DOES take a lot of will power to make this old
tool work the right way long term! It is no magic bullet.
— [Deactivated Member]
August 4, 2003
This is such a hard one! I'm with you that I want all of my life private.
Afterall if I lost weight because of a hysterectomy (I've seen one gal who
actually has to fight to keep her weight up since then) I'd NOT be
discussing it. But I'd be very careful how I tell people things. I for
one have been given diet advise by a post op and it can really hurt. When
we do that it perpetuates the diet myth and makes people who can't lose the
weight feel like a failure. I think it would be best to be VERY vague.
And I don't think there is anything wrong with letting people know subtly
(or not so) that its not a topic for discussion with you.
— Shelly S.
August 4, 2003
Hi there,Raye! I know exactly how you feel. I decided to keep this
completely private, except for 3 family members and 2 friends. I've lost
around 150 lbs and so many make comments on it and always ask what I've
done. I tell them the same thing that you do, the protein, limited carbs,
water and I add exercise. I agree with the 1st 2 posts that there is a
great amount of "willpower" needed to still accomplish our weight
loss. How many times do we read here that some of our old habits CAN creep
back on us and how we have to fight most of the time to keep
"control" of carbs?! I don't like lying, but I don't feel as if
I'm lying, I think I'm withholding certain things, but then again, it is
our business and if we choose to keep it private, no one can, or should,
critize us for it. If someone decides to try and do what you're doing and
they don't lose the weight, even then, don't feel guilty! How many times
has a specific diet worked for someone and then NEVER worked on us? I know
how you feel but please don't beat yourself up over it. Vi. open RNY
9/23/02 down 149 lbs.
— Vi F.
August 4, 2003
Hi Raye,
You could always tell them that you are on a Doctor supervised weight
loss program, it's the truth :-).. Congrats!!!!
— KellyJeanB
August 5, 2003
Kelly that's an awesome idea. I really like that one.
— Shelly S.
August 5, 2003
I like Kelly's idea too. I never kept mine private but I know many people
who did. Good Luck anf Congratulations.
— snicklefritz
August 5, 2003
I agree with Shelly "When we do that it perpetuates the diet myth and
makes people who can't lose the weight feel like a failure. I think it
would be best to be VERY vague. And I don't think there is anything wrong
with letting people know subtly (or not so) that its not a topic for
discussion with you."
We all know how we have felt like failures when we tried and tried dieting
and it didn't work for us, that is why we chose WLS,
Suggestion: "You know, weight loss can be very hard and everyone has
to work out something that works for them, my program is very personal.
Thank you for noticing my success. I would just suggest you go see your
health professional for what he/she thinks is best for you."
If they persist, I would just repeat that it is very personal and a consult
with their health professional is the best way to go.
— sissie S.
August 5, 2003
I agree with both Shelly & Fran. For me, I initially told everyone at
my job, Then, this past summer, I moved & changed jobs. They all now
me as Heather minus 120lbs, However, alot know I lost a significant amount
of weight b/c of my wedding pic on my desk. I only got married in Nov of
2001, so, its not hard to figure out something, and I get alot of
questions, When asked, i told everyone here that I was on a
"Supervised Diet w/ A Dtr & A Nutrionist and I follow
Atkins", all of which is true. However, when someone OBESE asks, I
tell them the truth. I don't think you should be ashamed of what you did,
you took charge of your life, there is no shame in that. Shame is when you
know you have a problem and ignore it or deny it exists, Just my 2cents.
Good Luck. Heather, Open RNY 8-15-02 305/187/150
— heathercross
August 5, 2003
I have that dilemna sometimes.. and other times I don't. I'm sorry if I
repeat, but I am not reading all the other responses. The first thing is,
why feel guilty? Most of us have done the best thing we could have ever
done in our lives, something everyone in our lives has beaten us up for
(right); we've been ridiculed, openly humiliated and berated and STILL,
we're determined to feel guilty for being successful *grin* That's not
directed to YOU personally, but to all of us. I feel this sometimes too --
I make an assessment and think, if I say I had surgery are they going to
think I did it the easy way? WEll, yes, some people will, no matter what.
But as usual, there's a response for that... there's nothing easy about
this--and so what, if its really the easy way -- who cares? It gets done,
with help or not.. the end result is what we're all looking for. Beyond
that, I just smile and say.. thanks, I did it the old fashioned way -- eat
less, move more. There is no magic. If anyone wants to know about my
surgery -- I'll tell them, in nauseating detail. Don't feel guilty, its no
ones business. If you had cancer, and had some treatment to fix it, no one
would ask you how you did it -- how did you manage to get better, feel
better, look better and live longer. Good luck.. my rant is over.. *grin*
— Lisa C.
August 5, 2003
I too wanted to keep my surgery confidential and have only told a handful
of people. My standard response to questions are that I'm eating lots of
protein, drinking lots of water, exercise, low carbs, etc. I did though
have a woman from another department ask me one day and I gave her my usual
response. She was trying the Aitkens Later that evening I began thinking
about it alot and thought that maybe this was a chance for me to reach out
and help someone. So the next morning I printed out my profile and dropped
off at her desk, asking her to keep it confidential. Later on we talked
about it and she was very happy that I had shared it with her and had a
number of questions for me. It didn't sound like she was ready for WLS at
this time but said she might have more questions for me in the future. I
don't think that she's told anyone but at this point I just don't care as
much. I feel much better about myself and am more comfortable with my
decision. I don't feel that I took the easy way out. I have worked hard
to get to where I am and feel that I have made a lifetime commitment. And
quite frankly, as many TV programs that have had segments on WLS, I figure
that most people probably have figured out what I have done. I still will
use my standard response with most people, but have decided that if someone
asks me that is in the same shoes that I was 6 mths ago, I'm going to reach
out. I know, though, that it's not a good feeling to think that your being
untruthful, but your medical concerns are private information and should
only be shared if you feel comfortable. Good luck.
— Judy R.
August 5, 2003
Oops, it's me Judy again. The answer that I gave cut off one of my
sentences. The lady that I work with that I shared my profile with
probably has a BMI of 40-45. If she was only slightly overweight I
wouldn't have given my initial response to her a second thought.
— Judy R.
August 5, 2003
My answer may not be popular, but here it goes... I agree with Shelly and
Sissy, but probably go further. I had a co-worker who took a few weeks off
two and a half years ago for a "gall bladder" surgery. Suddenly
the weight just started sliding off of her and she was full of energy. I
cannot say for certain it was WLS, but I am at least 95 % sure. I felt
like a total failure watching her drop a dress size every week and talk
about hiking and biking trips while I was dieting and the scale wasn't
moving, and while I was so weak I could barely make it through a workday
let alone bike and walk on my off time. I wish she had told me the truth.
I would have pushed more to have my surgery sooner and I would have felt a
little better about myself then. Everyone in our building would say
"look at Jean (name changed), she's doing so good." And a lot of
the time the comment was aimed at me. Like, why couldn't I lose weight
with willpower and exercise like Jean did. Now, that I am a new post-op. I
will tell anyone who asks the truth in hopes of helping anyone else I can.
I simply can't just pretend it is willpower and exercise. Wendy Tallon,
325, 310, goal about 150 (Open RNY 7/21/03)
— Wendy T.
August 5, 2003
My answer is not going to be popular either. I avoided the dilemma to
begin with by being open about my surgery. In the position that I had
prior to my surgery, I let my manager and co-workers know at the time I
made my initial consult that I was going to be having WLS sometime in 2002.
As the process moved along, I could narrow down the date. My manager and
co-workers and friends were more than supportive of my decision - many of
them were actually relieved because they were concerned about my health.
<p>
I just started a new position with the same company in July. I was upfront
in this new position with my surgery and weight loss as well. Because I
had worked with the people in this new group when I started with Siemens 5
years ago (and I am 430+ pounds), I didn't want there to be any concerns
about my health because I had obviously lost so much weight (as someone put
it in a e-mail today "John, you've lost a good-sized person").
I'm trying to raise money for my family's participation in the National
Walk From Obesity on September 20 and it's a lot easier to do so when they
can see someone who has benefitted from what the ASBS Foundation is
promoting...JR (open RNY 07/17/02 -182 pounds since surgery, -195 overall)
— John Rushton
August 5, 2003
I can understand your concern about keeping your decision private. I was
the same way. But, I had to tell my close co-workers I was taking off for
surgery to arrange my coverage. Working at Grapevine, Inc., it was soon all
over! I had my surgery in November and have lost 97 pounds to date. I feel
so much better physically and mentally, that I think it's a shame not to
share it with others who are seriously overweight. I know the years of
little successes followed by failure we've all gone through. So now, I'm
forthcoming with anyone who comments and I feel could use a nudge towards
WLS. I try not to preach, just say that I had WLS in November and it's been
a lifesaver. . . then patiently answer all their questions. I wish I'd been
"nudged" in that direction ten years ago!
— Donna S.
August 5, 2003
I only told very close friends and family on a need-to-know basis. When
you get those "how did you lose the weight" questions, it is
hard. My dh came up with what I think is the best answer, and it's
truthful--he says that I "just eat very small portions". Now, I
can't for any reason think why you should feel guilty, no matter what your
answer. This is your personal life, girl! I'm sure that there are many,
many others areas of your life that you keep private--don't feel bad about
maintaining your privacy, *IF* that's what you choose to do. Congrats on
your loss.
— Laurie A.
August 5, 2003
I think, if you want to keep your decision private, that this should be
answered like any other inappropriate personal question. I thank the
person for noticing my success, tell them that I feel great and then
quickly ask an appropriate question about them. It usually goes something
like this, Them - “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight.
How did you do it?” Me – “Thanks for
noticing. I feel really great. When do your kids start school?”
That usually does it. If they persist and ask again, I make a joke or
another vague comment and ask them another question. Them, “No
really, how did you do it?” Me- “I could tell you, but
then I’d have to kill you. Have you seen Pirates of the
Caribbean yet?” People who don’t get the hint at that
point, really aren’t worth talking to. Like other posters, if I
am speaking with someone who is MO and could benefit from the surgery, I
may choose to share my experience, but it is my choice and I
won’t be bullied into divulging anything about my private life.
— Amber L.
August 5, 2003
You have NOTHING to be guilty about. You made the most difficult decision
of your life to put your life on the line to have a chance to live a long
healthy life. Each person has their own reasons for not telling others but
for me I want people to know so that if there are others out their
wondering they will seek me out and I can give them info. Anytime I see
someone from our area or who lists my surgeon on the internet I contact
them and let them know I'm available if they have any questions. I feel
for me that reaching out and helping others is my way of keeping focused
and really embracing this new life. I feel like I will be a WLS advocate
for the rest of my life and want to help as many people as possible through
this process. You just might find that by telling people you will help
encourage someone else to chose to save their life. I realize this may not
be your goal but you may find it makes you feel really good. If anyone
would say you took the easy way out then ask them whens the last time they
literally put their life on the line. That should shut them up quickly.
This is a huge change in our lives. It's not a prison at all but we have
to make a decision to embrace this new life and make the most of it, which
you have done. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty!
— zoedogcbr
August 5, 2003
Since you are omitting pertinent information regarding your
weightloss....In my opinion that could be considered lying but like you
said,for whatever reason you decided that you wanted your surgery to be a
personal decision.There is nothing wrong with that but you might want to
re-word your response to questions regarding your weightlloss.I decided to
be very open and upfront with my surgery because I knew that people were
going to ask me about the drastic and fast weightloss and I didn't want to
be put in the situation of having to lie or omit info or basically be in
the same situation as you have been in....When someone asks you about it
you could simply say that it is a very personal and emotional issue that
you don't feel comfortable talking about.But then again, my friend went
that route and her entire workplace thought she was losing weight due to
cancer.She got a ton of cards and flowers =) that made her feel twice as
guilty.
— jennifer A.
August 6, 2003
Mario~Just curious....Since you don't dump and you say you rarely feel
full.How much do you feel the "bypass" (only absorbing 80% of
what you take in) aspect of the surgery has aided you in your weightloss?
— jennifer A.
August 6, 2003
I too kept my surgery a secret. I am not ashamed of the surgery. It is
great. It has given me a real life. I was ashamed that I had gotten that
big, and couldn't control what and how much I ate. When I am asked I
simply reply "I am seeing a nutritionist". This is true. When
they ask what I eat, I tell them. I make sure I include all the exercise I
do each day. I promised myself that if anyone was truely interested and
tried the exercise part, I would be honest with them. In 7 months, no one
attempts the exercise. If they won't exercise, then they wouldn't get the
same effects I got anyway. Becareful who you tell at work. I told a
supposedly good friend. Once I got smaller than she, she felt obligated to
spread my secret. Doesn't matter now. I changed jobs and friends now.
— june22
August 6, 2003
Okay...this is going to sound very mean and I'm expecting the backlash
even though I know some will agree.If someone asks you how you are losing
the weight and you answer with "eating high protein,eating low
fat,exercise and drinking lots of water" you are lying by omission.We
all know that while yes we are doing those things and yes that is the main
reasin we are losing the weight BUT we would not be able to do those things
as easily or successfully without the surgery and keep the weight off long
term.In my opinion,if you don't want to tell people the whole truth about
how you are losing weight then fine it's your life and your decision but I
am tired of people sugar coating and trying to justify that choice by
saying "Well I'm not really lying because...."
— jennifer A.
August 7, 2003
I think it is really too bad that in this day and age of Jerry Springer and
Rikki Lake that people seem to think that every private thought or action
HAS to be made public. There are questions that one just should not ask.
It is ok to take the MIss Manners approach and give a vague, it is personal
answer. it is not lying, it is choosing to keep what is private just that,
private. there isnothing wrong with keeping your private life to youself.
What is wrong is PRYING into someones personal life asking personal
questions.
— **willow**
August 7, 2003
I MUST applaud Willow's answer. How right it is!
— [Deactivated Member]
August 7, 2003
How about trying "I'm flattered you noticed my weight loss, but, since
it's very personal, I don't discuss it with anyone but my Dr. and my
family" "thanks again" -and that should put an end to it
right there. No lies, it's just personal and you don't discuss it.
Therefore- no guilt no worries. Having said that. I never tell 'skinny'
folks, but I'll always tell someone who is a candidate for this surgery
that might ask me this very personal questions. It's your choice to tell
or not to tell, you are not OBLIGATED to divulge your personal medical
information to anybody. period.
— LMCLILLY
August 7, 2003
I agree, Lisa, we're not obligated to divulge personal information. But in
reply to Willow, I must say that many times during my life long battle with
obesity, I have asked a person I know who is losing lots, "What are
you doing?" Because I've been searching for an answer all my life.
Thank heavens the last one I asked told me about her surgery. It inspired
me to investigate more, which lead me to this website and all you helpful,
kind people. As for not sharing with those who don't demonstrate good
faith by exercising . . . I'm reminded that before my surgery exercise was
nearly impossible. I knew it would help, but it hurt to even walk and I
was exhausted all the time from carrying the extra hundred fifty pounds
every day. How great it is to now have little pain and be able to do more!
Surgery 11-14-02, 97# lost.
— Donna S.
August 7, 2003
I've always been a private person and most people know very little about
me, except my closest friends and family. Still with WLS I haven't told
even my closest friends. It's my life and my choice. I didn't want
everyone watching my weight loss and seeing how I was doing or commenting
on it (I'm a slow loser and have been very frustrated at times). No one
has really asked me how except for one person (an acquaintance) who doesn't
have a weight problem. I said I eat less and exercise more and I do. I
don't owe people an explanation just because they've decided to pry into my
life.
— susanje
August 7, 2003
I have to add something that has occurred to me over the year --
particularly when people asked me about this -- or worse.. SO, HOW MUCH DO
YOU WEIGH NOW???? or HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST? -- I don't think its anyone's
business and to me.. its still about us being heavy and not being worthy of
the common courtesy that is extended to normal weight people. Because you
used to be morbidly obese, it seems OK to ask you these invasive questions.
Think carefully about this -- do you or does anyone ask thinner coworkers
how much they weigh? what their diet is? or how much they've lost? Nope.
It just isn't done, because its rude. You do NOT have to answer when
someone asks these questions. I get so annoyed with the how much have you
lost questions that I want to say... how much have you
gained?<br><br>
I feel very strongly about keeping private things that way if you wish to..
and I don't care for invasive questions. If you'd weighed 140.. and lost
ten pounds, no one would ask you about it. They might notice and
compliment.. but they wouldn't ask invasive and rude
questions.<br><br>Tell 'em to get lost! *grin* I'm fired up..
sorry.
— Lisa C.
August 10, 2003
I get so mad when I come on here for advice and read someone's comments who
are so pesistent about being "right" about their opinion.
Jennifer-- what is the problem with Raye wanting her WLS to be a personal
private decision? You apparently don't want any of us knowing anything
about you, (you have no information on your profile.) Why is it if Raye or
any of us choose not to spill our guts out to the world about our WLS we
are "terrible" people but you couldn't even share anything about
yourself with us and that's okay? It doesn't make you a terrible person it
just makes you a private person who didn't want all of your personl details
spilled out to the world. Don't try to make those of us who choose to keep
our personal lives personal, feel like it is a "wrong" decision!
(just because you choose to tell everyone).
— cdiss
August 11, 2003
I don't think it's anyone's business but your own. Unfortunately, there is
still a stigma placed on you for having this type of surgery. You couldn't
do it on your own so your weak for having the surgery, etc. It also STILL
takes willpower to lose weight and keep it off even with this surgery.
It's still VERY easy to gain weight after this surgery and if you graze and
eat lots of sugar you could regain the weight so it's not necessarily
permanent. People don't realize this as well. They don't realize the pain
of the surgery, the pain of eating something that agrees with you one day
and not the next, the vitamins that you'll need to take for the rest of
your life, etc. It's a LIFE altering choice and decision. Most people
have told me they couldn't do it because it would be too hard for them to
give up eating big huge meals and lots of desserts. Don't worry about it.
Say what you feel comfortable with and don't worry about what anyone else
says.
— Patty H.
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