Question:
Why can't my husband see why this surgery is so important to me?
I know he's afraid of the surgery, but I told him that being at my weight is just as ;if not more dangerous. He doesn't even seem to want to talk about it. He says he's heard of so many who've had the surgery<what surg I don't know> and gained all their weight back. But I just want him to have hope, and to believe in me to use this as the tool it is. — Donna S. C. (posted on February 17, 2001)
February 17, 2001
HI. I am sorry your husband is not 100% supportive. But what might make
him have a change of heart is . And this one I am courious of also. Who
are these people that he said that they have gained back all there
weight????? Most people that I have study and followed there progress HAS
KEPT THERE WEIGHT OFF. Also need to find out maybe which surgery they
have had.(THAN YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT IS NOT THE SURGERY FOR YOU) I do know
there is different one out there. (I had the OPEN RNY.... Just make sure
when you have made your dicisson to go thru with this that it is the right
surgery for you.
You might also want to welcome your husband here to the site too. Let him
see the photo gallery, look at profiles. I did with Sam and I think that
helped him out alot. I would even read stories and profiles to him at
first to get his attention. Deep down men dont really tell us how they
feel. I knew once I truely explain how important this surgery was for my
life to Sam and I would not stop until I had the surgery he seemed to
accept it alot better. I will say I had my surgery Jan 15, and as of Feb
9th I am down 28 lbs. and Sam also told me that he is glad I am doing well
and that the BIG SCARE IS OVER. I asked him what he meant and he finially
open up and said he was scared to death that I might die or have major
complication and that he LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT HE JUST COULDNT IMAGINE
LIVING WITHOUT ME. He said when you have an accident and die, You have to
let go and move on. But when You are making a dicission to have major
surgery and knowing something could happen is really scarie. I told him I
wish he had been a little more open before surgery and I am sure I could
have found some answers here on this site. O r at least I would have tried
to comfort him a little more. You hang in there and if you feel that deep
in your heart this surgery is what is best for you. Than you go ahead and
do it. remember DREAMS DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES....^J^ ^J^
^J^
— jay B.
February 17, 2001
There are many who have NOT gained their wt back. I know many who are 10 or
more years out from surgery. Now, truly, there are many who started with
procedures that are no longer done commonly that have regained their wt.
Yes, and it will go on happening and some docs prefer the outdated
surgeries and will forever do them. However, since you are researching,
you can assure yourself of a good procedure, done right by an experienced
surgeon who can get you over those post-op hurdles. Please go to my website
and look at the pix. There should be pix now every year since 1994, so it
shows that we are progressively the same, but older. Hahah! Both of us
had surgery and we are both maintaining our preferred wts.
— vitalady
February 17, 2001
Hi
My husband wasn't, and still isn't 100% behind me on this, no pun intended,
but I think I know where he is coming from. It is an issue of control for
alot of men. Just like not asking for directions. You see, they can't help
us lose the weight and so we are going elsewhere to get help. Men just try
and fix things. That's their nature. And when we deceide to find a way to
fix it they feel like they have no control over it. Read: Women are from
Venus/Men are from Mars. It really helps understand how men like to "
Go into their Cave" and try and figure things out. And see if you can
get him to read some of the interesting postings on this web site. That has
really helped my husband.
Hope this helps. [email protected]
Debbie
— Debbie V.
February 17, 2001
Donna,
My husband was somewhat supportive, but what helped him really get on
board
was a visit to the local support group where he met so many
people who not only had the surgery, but lived to tell about it, as he
put it:) He saw REAL people who had it, and were making it work, AND
were healthy, happy people. He also heard from the ones who did
experience complications so he didn't think it was a biased group.
One other thing, I brought him into the chat room one night
and he met some of my chat buddies. After telling him buying
me diamonds would help me heal better:) they answered his questions
and helped him realize this wasn't just another one of my
hairbrained quick fix ideas. Good Luck!
— M B.
February 17, 2001
I know my husband is very worried but somehow I think men feel insecure
about how you will act and the attn. you will get when you have the
surgery.. I have had 3 close friend have the surgery and 1 is so bad that
some people cant handle being around her.. One met a guy soon after she
lost all her weight and got married and the other one is enjoying being
able to go out and ware awesome clothes...My husband has made comments like
"you'll probably leave me when you get skinny" which my respond
is oh, you think I have to be skinny to get a man!
But in reality he's happy because he knows how bad I want this..I know he
loves me and we have a great relationship, I think hes just both worried
about surgery its self and also not knowing how it will affect me...I was
very thin when we got married, I am looking forward to being that again...
— Sheryl K.
February 17, 2001
Donna, I've been through two surgeries with two different husbands. With my
VBG in 97 my then husband was supportive but constantly made comments like
I would probably leave him when I lost weight. Well, guess what? I did!
But it wasn't because of the weightloss in the way you might expect.
Losing the weight gave me a higher self-esteem and helped me to realize
that I deserved better than 11 years in a passionless marriage. Now onto
surgery #2 my revision to RNY. I started pursuing my revision while
engaged to my now DH. He wasn't behind me on it really but promised to
support me. I was denied and I really think he thought he was off the hook
because I was planning on leaving my job and moving from Texas (where I
lived) to Louisiana (where he lived) on 6/1. Well, on May 17 I got a call
that I had won the appeal and I was scheduled for sugery 5/22. We were
still living in two different states and calling him to tell him this was
very hard. He drove to Texas and spent the next 4 days doing EVERYTHING
(and I do mean everything!) trying to talk me out of it. We fought, we
cried, but nothing he could do or say was going to change my mind. He took
it personally like I was leaving him out of the decision. In reality, it
wasn't his decision to make because he wasn't the one who was living with
weight regain and facing returning to morbid obesity. Anyway, the morning
of surgery while I was waiting to be called back he was still at it. In
the prep room as they were preparing to wheel me into surgery he was still
at it. I didn't let him stop me. Afterwards, when I was 13 days post-op I
developed a horrible infection and ended up in the hospital in Louisiana
for 5 days. He, of course, blamed the surgery and thus me for me being sick
and went so far as to take his wedding ring and throw it at me as I lay in
the ER. We'd barely been married two months and I thought it was gonna end
right now. Ok, after the horror of the first couple months how is now? He
is very proud of the way I look and the weight I've lost. He watches over
me to try and make sure I don't overeat or eat something that will make me
sick and although he refuses to talk about my time in the hospital he has
admitted that he is glad I went ahead and did this. All of this is to say
that you need to take care of you and do what is best for you. You cannot
let another person make a decision like this for you. Yes, it is normal to
be worried but don't let someone else's emotions stop you. Concentrate on
your feelings. As for the marriage, I have heard that if it is a strong
marriage before surgery it will continue to be strong and if it was a weak
marriage it could go either way. Best of luck! Kellye
— Kellye C.
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