Question:
Am I being too sensitive?
My family is extremely supportive of me and my decision to have WLS They are behind me 100% and my whole family is overweight as well. My problem is that sometimes they don't realize that what they say hurts me. They don't do it intentionally and I know they mean well I just don't know what to do. For example, the other day my aunt and mom were cooking dinner, my grandfather came in and saw that I was on the computer (here to be exact) and said "I thought you were helping with dinner...I should have known." I have a hard time standing for long periods of time because of severe backpain. His comment really hurt Another example is today in the car w/ my grandmother. We went over a dip in the road and hit pretty hard. She laughingly said as she looked at me, "Oh yeah, I forgot we are weighed down a lot more than usual." They she laughed again and said "you gonna hit me now or later." I know it was just a joke and she didn't mean anything by it, but it really hurt. I just smiled and told her I'd "hit" her later. What can I do? (Sorry this is soo long) — Rebekah A. (posted on August 15, 2002)
August 15, 2002
Hi, I dont really have an answer for you, but my family is the same way (as
a matter of fact I sometimes catch myself saying hurtfull things to other
members of my family - I hate myself when I do it and I'm sure the other
members of my family dont really feel too good when they do it to me). I
dont want to get too personal here, but I know why we do it in our family.
We've always been rather dysfuntional and it's a self defense mechanism we
learned growing up. I'll be checking back on your question from time to
time to see if anyone offers any helpfull advice on how to deal with this
or stop it. I hope it helps you to know that your not the only one with
this problem. I know my family loves me and as a matter of fact my sister
has told me she's using me as her "guinea pig" - once she sees
how I come through the surgery she's going to try it herself. But that
doesn't stop her from making the occasional insensitive remarks. I just
remind myself that I do the same thing from time to time and I know I love
my family, so I'm sure they love me even when they dont show it well. God
Bless, and remember any changes you make to yourself will ripple out to
affect everyone around you, so maybe your change in self image and self
esteem will eventually change the comments your family makes.
— Elva C.
August 15, 2002
I have a similar situation with my grandmother. We now live 4 hours from
one another and though we have never been really close, when I am back in
town, I make a point to see her. Well, that was until about a year ago. The
last 4 or 5 times I was around her, she would make a comment about my
weight. It hurt so bad that I vowed to not go back. I am sure she has no
clue that it hurts me and if we were closer, I would tell her. But since I
don't have to see her, I haven't spoke up. She recently came to my town to
visit my parents and I had originally planned to see her, but I just didn't
feel the need to put myself through it. It's a shame, I know. I am lucky
though because the rest of my family never make cracks about my weight and
not all of them are heavy. They just know from the past that I am sensitive
(to a point). I mean, I can pick around but they know the line not to
cross.
Now if I <i>had</i> to be around family members who made such
comments, I would have to let them know how their words effected me. I know
its difficult, but you shouldn't have to be subjected to insults by those
who say they love you. Don't lash out at them- but tell them how it hurts.
Best of luck, Sweetie.
— karmiausnic
August 15, 2002
Weight issues are very sensitive to most people. My family and friends have
said things to hurt me and I've really taken them to heart. I don't care if
you are the Pope, it's not right to make weight comments to ANYONE.
Regardless of the size of the person, weight comments should be kept to
yourself. I was always an obese child and my mother's side of the family
was obese. But on my dad's side, no one was overweight. So naturally, they
didn't understand at all. Their comments hurt so bad that I felt I was
worthless. If you ask me, there was no excuse for their behavior. When
someone makes a comment to me, I politely inform them that they sound
extremly ignorant. It sounds mean, but sometimes you have to lay it on the
line. Don't get me wrong, don't start yelling at your family for comments
they make if you've never told them that those comments hurt you. But do
explain that it's a subject you don't want commented on. You may be
suprised at how understanding family can be. Hope this helped. Good Luck.
— Sarah K.
August 15, 2002
Everyone has a trigger that sets them off. Mine is my weight. Since I've
always been overweight, that could be the reason why. My mom - who's 100
pounds overweight herself- mae a comment to me about 3 months ago. I had
taken ashower and was getting dressed when I noticed that I had this HUGE
bruise on my stomach from where my dog had jumped on me. I made a comment
to her and said look at this bruise and she said "I don't see it due
to the roll of fat on your stomach". Needless to say that pissed me
off!!! When I told her about my tummy tuck last month and she told me I was
crazy to have surgery again, I brought up her comment again and told her
that now she would be able to see ANY and ALL bruises on my new flat tummy
so the surgery is obviously worth it!!!
— Patty H.
August 15, 2002
Rebekah, My grandmother is the perfect example. I was a child model in
Manhattan many moons ago and my grandmother was thrilled about it. I began
to gain weight at age 8 or so and she would sometimes rip my heart out and
hand it back to me. She still does, even after surgery and so far losing 60
pounds. She would drop me off in front of the local Lucille Roberts and
tell me to join or walk home, refuse to buy me school clothes or help me
with tuition as long as I continued to "defy" her by gaining
weight, tell me I was the biggest disappointment of her life (even though I
was an honor student and have done pretty good for myself)and many more
things. The list goes on, but at 24 years old I finally took control of my
life and got this surgery. I used to hide if there were teenagers on the
corner for fear of them making fun of me, but now they could call me a cow
and chase me down the block for all I care. This is ALL coming off and I
don't care what people have to say. This is OUR battle, OUR life...not
theirs. I just keep saying to myself "they'll see"...and they
will. Just hang in there.
— Kelly C.
August 15, 2002
Please forgive me for saying this, but they sound like a bunch of
insensitive a## holes. Best of luck. (I don't blame you for being hurt). As
far as them not meaning to hurt you intentually, I disagree. It's abuse.
— Danmark
August 16, 2002
"They don't do it intentionally and I know they mean
well"...sweetie pie you are in major denial. What they're doing is
called "passive-aggressive" behavior. They zing you with hurtful
comments under the guise of "joking around". Tell them right out
you know what they're doing and you don't like it, and it needs to stop.
Abuse of large people seems to be the last accepted form of discrimination
in this world. And comments from family tend to do quite a lot of damage
to your self esteem. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
August 16, 2002
Hi, there. I can totally relate. There's been a few comments over the
years from my aunt, my grandmother, and my father that still hurt. I can
remember sitting at the dinner table one Thanksgiving and, out of the blue,
my grandma tells me I should really lose weight, because if should fall or
something, I was so big there would be no way my father would be able to
help me up. Then, there was the time my dad was talking about some
relative in another state and about how big she was and then he says,
"she's really big, I mean, she's even bigger than you". And the
bad thing is, he didn't even realize just how hurtful that comment was. So
yeah, sometimes it's the people you love the most that can hurt your
feelings the most. You are by no means being too sensitive. The only thing
you can do is, 1. ignore it, 2. get mad and lash back at them, or 3. get
even. I myself prefer to get even!!
— Julia T.
August 16, 2002
Rebekah, I agree with much of what has been said, but I have one more
thought to add. Have you ever sat down with your family and explained how
being overweight feels to you? Have you ever discussed with them the
physical and emotional pain you face every day? Maybe, just maybe, a frank
discusion of these issues will help. I only say this because my father has
had some negative comments for me about my weight over the years. I always
just ignored it and felt hurt. I never shared with them how I felt about
being overweight. After I was approved for surgery, I finaly sat with my
parrents and discussed the way that my weight has affected my life for the
first time. Come to find out, they were really worried about me. My dad
was using his little "comments" to express this concern in sort
of a twisted way. Once I was open about the reality of my weight problems,
he was able to express his concerns without being mean or hiding them in
"jokes." We understand each other much better now. I'm not sure
if this will work with you, if your faimly members are mean spiritied, it
may not be worth it. But maybe it is worth a try.
— Amber L.
August 16, 2002
Rebekah, you've hit on a great topic that so many of us can relate to. I
am married to the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine-Mr. Body Builder who
married a size 10 almost 8 years ago and watched me gain 100 + pounds. I
think part of the reason I gained so much was as a defense mechanism
whenever he would make hurtful comments about my weight or criticize what I
was eating-I always took it personally. Today, even though I have lost 70
pounds, and am a size 14, if I ask him how do I look, he says, "your a
work in progress". If we go to the pool, he looks at other heavier
women and comments to me, "Gee Cindy your not as big as that one
anymore" as if that is supposed to make me feel better....I do tell
him to quit obsessing over weight, but when you are a body builder, I think
its a hard concept to get thru. For my own sanity, I try to ignore his
comments and take pride in the fact that I do look good now. When you have
your surgery and lose lots of weight and look fantastic, they will no
longer be able to criticize you for your weight. I would just ignore them
and feel good inside knowing that your surgery is coming.
— Cindy R.
August 17, 2002
Rebekah - I have a cousin who always makes remarks, always has. Sometimes
it stings a little when others are around. I know I could really talk to
him about it and I'm sure he would back off. However, I also know that he
is very much like his father, an uncle who was a father figure to me and I
loved dearly. Their words were never meant to cause harm, simply as playful
words of teasing someone they love. I know many people think that if
someone loves you they shouldn't talk to you like that. But some people's
personalities are such that they tease you almost as a sign of endearment.
They've never learned how to share praise, encouragement - hugs. Talk to
your family if these things they say continue to hurt you. You know your
family better than any of us. Do you really think they intend to cause you
heartache? Or is it simply a matter of "old habits die hard."
Good Luck - Anna LAP RNY 7/3/02 -50lbs.
— Anna L.
August 17, 2002
First let me say that, I think everyone on this site has had to deal with
this issue one way or another.
I myself can recall countless times where I have cried over things my
family members have said.
It wasn't until I came to this site, that I understood all of the pain
being big has caused. I myself am almost 400 lbs.. and I can remember when
I would see someone that was 300 or something, and wonder "oh my god,
how did she/he get so big". It's really not funny, when you end up
being that person 6 or 7 years down the line.
Now I'm not saying that every person who has looked at anyone obese in a
negative way, is going to turn obese later on in life, but what I am saying
is, people tend to forget they themselves aren't perfect. It's much easier
to focus on someone else's problems instead of our own, because it makes us
feel better. That's okay to some extent... but to poke fun at, and make
jokes about people is not. Family or no family. You need to put them in
their place. No one should walk over you... you're a person just like they
are, if they can't understand that, then to hell with them. Self esteem
isn't something you just come by everyday and I myself would be da**ed if I
let someone just take it away with a joke.
Tell them how you feel, and then get even! Good Luck!
— Laydie K.
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