OT - What can I say?

A friend of mine has been going through the process for WLS.  She has been to almost all her appointments and they are talking about surgery, possibly June or July.  I was speaking with her yesterday and she told me she's thinking of not going through with the surgery.  When I asked her why, she said because nobody is supporting her.  Her husband, mother and best friend are all against her doing it, some of them saying it's because they think she will fail at it!!

What do I say?  We didn't have much time to talk but I told her she needs to think of herself and what would be best for her!  I told her I support her 100% regardless of her decision.  I'm not trying to sway her decision either way but I think it's really sad if she backs out because of others and not because it's her decision.  She's the type of person who usually gives in to people and puts herself last.  I know she would succeed at this, I've seen her try different weight loss programs and she sticks to all the rules ****il of course she doesn't see the results as do most of us.)  I was also counting on her as part of my support system too because we are neighbours and have talked about this for over a year about how we can do this together.

What do I do/say?

I'm so afraid she's going to decide not to do this because of the others and not because of herself and that she'll end up regretting it.  She's had issues of depression in the past and I'm afraid this may get her depressed again. 

You should offer yourself as a support person. Try to remind her how much she deserves to be healthy and happy. If you go to a support group, ask her if she wants to come along. It sounds like this woman needs a boost of her self esteem. Give her a hug, and let her know that you're there for her, and that she'll be able to do it even without their support. My husband was not supportive of this at first, but now that he sees the weight coming off, he's coming around.

I hope she decides to go ahead, but you're right,  you need to support her either way. It's a shame to have come so far and back out.

Hi there

I guess all you can do is be there for  herr
Bring her here to us

Tell her to prove everyone wrong and show them she can do   I feel bad for her

 I second the idea of bringing your friend to a support group. I think it's important to support her, and not try to influence her one way or another, but maybe you can gently suggest that this is a perfect opportunity for her to do something entirely on her own, just for her, and screw what everyone else thinks.

I don't know whether this is a possibility, but has she invited the husband to come to any of her appointments? I've read several posts on here about how family members suddenly became very supportive and stopped discouraging someone after speaking with the surgeon or going to orientation. Is it possible for her to take her husband and/or other family members to an appointment with the surgeon? Again, I don't know, but I imagine some of the objections are based in fear and a lack of knowledge about the procedure and lifestyle changes. I know my hubby is reticent (though he would never outright object to it) and I plan to take him to my orientation and surgeon appointment to try to get him more 'on board' - from what I hear it's effective.

Link her to this thread. We suppoort her 100%. My mom is doubting whether I can do it too. But that's family for you. I know I can do anything I put my mind to. Tell her to come here and also I agree with taking her to a support group in your area.

I agree with all the suggestions about the support group.  The last York Region support group meeting was huge - maybe 30 happy, healthy people (with collarbones!) talking about their successes.  And I think the group's total weight loss was in the 4,000 lb range.

It would probably help her (and her family) to see that and be able to ask questions of people who have gone through the process.

The surgery is only a small part of the process and an individual will need tons of ongoing support. If she's allowing people in her life to have so much influence on her decisions, she may not be ready for the surgery. For her to be successful she has to be in the right place, and she just  might not be there right now. That doesn't mean she won't be at some point, or maybe she will never get there. Best you can do is take care of yourself and be there for her in a way that is also ok for you. She's on her own path.

It's sad when you don't have the support of family, friends or spouse. It's possible that they are not educated on the surgery and have fears. As a friend the only thing you can do is offer your support and friendship. Continue to be there for her when needed. There comes a time in life when you need to stand up for yourself and do what is best for you and not was is best for others. Hopefully she will realize  this before it's too late. You can always recommend this site to her, I'm sure she will gain strenght from reading what others have posted. If it's possible (time/schedule) wise, maybe take her to the coffee nights, or meetings that are being held here in Ottawa. Best of luck to your friend, but as you already know, ultimately the decision is hers. Sometimes it only takes the support of 1 person to make a world of difference.

Julie

Tell her she's doing it for herself, not anyone else. Even the people closest to us usually aren't educated on WLS and its risks/benefits. So their opinion doesn't matter. Just her own.