Stopping negative comments in their tracks

I have seen several posts from people on here whose friends/famiy members have not been supportive of their decision. I thought I would share with  you I how stopped those negative comments in their tracks as maybe it will help others...

Several family members including myself were sitting down for dinner one day. One of the people at the table was my cousin who, although she is not close to being obese she has struggled with trying to lose weight as well and has went back and forth with dieting and exercising. She is one of these prim and proper folks who think she is better than everyone else, she knows all and doesn't like to be put in a bad light or made to look bad.

Anyhow, the topic of my surgery came up and I started discussing the benefits, the risks, all of it. Just laid it all out on the table.

My cousin says "Well, I think you are a fool for getting it done. Just smarten up, kick yourself in the @ss and stick to your diet and exercise plan. Just put it in your head and do it."

Everyone was looking very embarrased for me and very awkward until I turned to her ever so nicely and replied

"Yeah, and how is that working out for YOU"?

She turned red as a beet, shut her mouth and hasn't said a negative thing since. Try it yourselves the next time. Turn the tables on the negative one.

Awesome!! Way to go. My experience with those who object is that they do so from a position of ignorance. A little education goes a long way.

I start to quiz them on what they know, and ask them to explain their position and rationalle. They very quickly shut up, and start listening as it becomes very clear that YOU know way more about the subject than they do.

They start to look opinionated and silly very fast, and their arguments lose steam real quick when you put them on the spot to explain their comments, rather than just lobbing their opinion over the fence.

Education goes a long way!!

I find that I can really feel the difference between a question that is intended to be disrespectul and hateful and a question that comes from a place of love and concern.  That has been the key for me really - once I learned that balance it really helped me to situate myself and respond appropriately.

For the most part I dont meet alot of nay-sayers - most of my friends and family offer suggestions or thoughts based on love and fear - I can only imagine if I was thin and had never experienced or understood obesity how it might feel if my daughter, loved one, best friend were making a decision to have weight loss surgery.  Fear of the unknown can make people say and do things that don't seem logical - so I feel that since I have decided to tell them about my surgery it is also my job to educate them as best I can to help ease their fears and worries.  Usually if they start to get defensive and more out of line in their questionning I can use two basic questions urged back to them and then they say "you know, I've never thought about it like that" and then our conversation shifts to a more positive nature.

The questions I often ask them are....

If your doctor told you that you could NOT have the surgery and live 7 more years with your family, children, loved ones.....OR you COULD have the surgery and likely have another lifetime with them what would you choose?

OR I say....

If I told you that I was slowly dying from an illness and I needed a surgery to save my life - what would you say?  They will usually say "omg have the surgery of course" and that's when I say well I am dying from obesity and this surgery is going to help save my life.

I try really hard in my approach not to make people feel diminished in anyway - I had a lot of years in my life  (and still do) where people have made me feel so small (despite my large size) and because of that I'm not really one to turn it around on someone else - especially someone who has weight struggles themselves - so when the questions above don't help - I generally say I'm sorry you don't agree but I feel this is the best life saving decision for me and we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.  

This really works for me - and to be honest I kind of like being questionned because every now and then a question pops up that I really have no idea how to answer and then I force myself to do some more research and get all the more educated about my surgery.  

Never felt more confident about something in my life.  : )

My comment was always the following, verbatim:

"Thank you so much for your care and concern.  I truly appreciate it and I know after surgery your support, care and concern will mean everything to me.  Thank you."

No snarkiness, no attitude, no sarcasm.  The genuine appreciation seemed to stop them better than anything else.

And yes, I am the diplomat. lol

I like being diplomatic too Karen : )  Good point!

It works, quite frankly.  And it comes from my heart.

Nothing good was ever gained by being smart-assed or snarky with those who care about you when they're expressing concern about you.

 concern can often hide the true meaning of the comment.. which is.. dont do it cause then you will be the skinny one and then you will be the center of attention and we know my comment is all about ME and how I feel 

the trouble is.. figuring out which is which..

case in point my bio sister... everything i go to do she asks "why are you wasting money, or time on that?" like when I went back to school for Nusing... "why are you doing that your husband makes good money.. you dont need to waste all that tuition money and time thats like 3 - 4 years before you are done".. and when I graduated she was invited to come but refused... why?.. because everyone was saying how proud they were of me I was the center of attention (which I hate) and she was not in the family lime light for once

True that.  I think I am exceptionally lucky that I don't have many negative nay-sayers in my life. 

Sometimes some people do need to be put in their place. But I sure appreciate the comments that have been shared here by others too.