Empowering Yourself

I am glad to see that your group encourages people to solicit advice. As far as not confronting issues, we will have to agree to disagree.

I haven't read every single comment on this thread, but I've skipped through and read a few of them. I just want to say that I think that I know exactly where this thread sprang from. Maybe a little of it anyway.

On Wednesday, I posted something on a private thread. It wasn't about anyone in particular, I'm not in any groups to out anyone, and it wasn't even about putting anyone down. It was about me, how messed up I am, and how I react poorly to things that shouldn't be an issue.

This is what I said:

So, when I was at my therapist yesterday, we were discussing how I have been eating foods and feeling guilty. We were mostly talking about when I have binge episodes, which I have often, but as we were speaking I realized that I wasn't only beating myself up about the naughty stuff, mostly that I get from the vending machine at work, or like crackers or candy that I shouldn't eat. But I also feel guilty about decent good food that no one should really feel guilty about or beat themselves up about. For instance, my breakfast today. Yes, I had an english muffin with ham, egg and cheese. I made it myself before work and ate it on my commute. I did not binge, it wasn't unhealthy. I didn't overeat, yet for some reason I instinctively feel guilty when I eat something like that. It's bad, because I've been on OH for so long that it has been beaten into my brain that if I eat food like that, I am destined to fail. You know what? An english muffin with my breakfast isn't going to make me fail. Feeling the shame and guilt that I've learned over the last two years about eating that muffin is going to make me fail. Straight up truth.

Most people can likely differentiate between unhealthy eating and normal eating. I'm learning that I can not differentiate between the two. I've been saying it for years now, everyone is different, everyone has their own ****** up problems (some might not have any hang ups at all, don't get offended) and we all react to **** differently. Personally, for me to be healthy and not in the pit of despair, I need to be able to let go a little bit and not obsess over the little things.

I also need to point out that I do not think any of the advice on these boards about low carb and high protein is wrong. It is not, it works for a lot of people. In a perfect world I'd be able to eat that way without being insane and bingeing out of control because I'm restricting too much. I may one day be able to do it, but for me, and my ****** up mind right now, I need something different.

The thing is, I can't say that here on the public forums. Because it goes against what is preached about how to be successful. I can only talk about it someplace where I won't be given advice unless I ask for it. I'm under great care with my therapists and my doctor, and need a safe place to be able to talk to others without judgement.

You are not the only one who has been in this position over the years, and most of them absolutely DID post about it on the main forum. they were just very upfront about the fact that they were working with a therapist and their surgeon to try to resolve the things in their head that were sabotaging them.

I took a break from OH for a number of months so I have not read your posts or responses to them, BUT... wouldn't advi e and support from people who have traveled this journey already (many of whom have also struggled with various psychological food issues post-op) be an additional tool to help you get where you need to be? Wouldn't it be more useful to have people suggesting ways to make better food choices than to have people just pat your hand and say some version of "I'm sure you're doing the best you can" or "you will figure it out"? If you cannot differentiate between good and bad food, wouldn't having people to help you do that be useful?

I agree that there is definitely more than one way to be successful. Some people need to be ultra strict about everything until they hit their goal weight. For other people (like me), not being able to have any bad foods (even in moderation) would absolutely send me right back into the binging/overeating cycle that keeps so many of us obese for years. There needs to a limit to how far "off plan" you can go, though, and still be successful.

Ask for what you need in your posts. If you are feeling vulnerable or negative about your food choices or progress with your food issues and really need just support, just SAY SO. In 11 years here, I can count on one hand the number of times that people have specifically identified what they needed (and what would not be helpful) and they didn't get it. Just be aware that there is a difference between making a request and saying "comments on my food choices aren't going to be helpful right now " and telling people how they can and cannot reply (because that never goes well).

Lora

See, it wasn't the unasked for advice that was bad for me, it was my reaction to the advice.

When you say ask for what you need in your posts, you are assuming that we KNOW what we need, or that we actually knew how we were feeling. I can sit through therapy and discuss things and sometimes there is one of those "aha" moments were it clicks and you get it. But sometimes I'm fumbling around trying to figure **** out. I'm 2 years post op and maintaining at a healthy weight, but I still feel like **** emotionally and struggle every day. I'm working with my therapist now to be able to identify that type of thing. Before, it was just feeling horrible and not being able to really figure out why.

Example. I'm not at goal weight, I want to lose about 10 pounds. I had a cookie for a mid morning snack and some zucchini bread planned for the afternoon. I also have 1 glass of wine in the evening. This type of thing would be looked down upon because I'm not at goal, and many of the members here don't believe in drinking alcohol after surgery. Transfer addiction and all of that. My therapist is aware of the wine and we monitor and discuss it every week. Everything is accounted for. I don't feel like I could come and post this on the menu thread here on the RNY boards.

Do you honestly think that if I posted my menu, that sometimes has 130+ grams of carbs per day, and asked people not to comment on my food choices because it wouldn't be helpful would actually be any better than saying that they can't reply at all? Come on. We both know better than that.

Sometimes the OH boards and it's environment isn't the best for everyone's mental health. That's not because people are giving bad advice, but because we all have different needs, and some of us do not know how to function and navigate it in a healthy way.

So, my choice has been to step away. I am working in depth with my therapist, and I'm starting in a therapist led, structured support group later this month. I still poke around the public forums here, and you'll see the occasional post from me, but I can't be as involved as I once was. It's just not healthy for me.

I do understand what you mean about not knowing what you need or how you will react to something... and that does change things a bit.

No, I would not expect you to post your menu in a menu thread. You already know you have some food choice problems, so you know that posting that in a menu thread is going to get you responses that you don't want.

You (or, at this point, I guess I am talking to others in a similar situation) can, however, post in a general thread that, for example, you frequently find yourself having a cookie as a snack instead of some type of protein... and post about how it makes you feel when you choose the cookie... but let people know in your original post that responses bashing the cookies aren't really going to help you. Then, you might get support for how you are feeling and might get a couple of suggestions on things that would be cookie-like, bur perhaps healthier.

It might surprise you... getting feedback and talking things through with OH members who have had similar issues may, in some cases, be more useful than talking to your therapist.

I am glad you are taking steps to work through things. It just makes me sad when it seems like people just give up on a good resource (OH) because they don't know how to get what they need (and avoid or disregard the rest).

I truly understand - and just HAVE to point out that a cookie never made anyone gain 100 lbs ... or even one pound.

I have walked the long slow journey ratcheting back rampant excess food addiction ( binging) . In my case it was binging and purging which doubled or trebled the problem . For SO many years I doubted I could ever be binge free, a normal appetite driven eater nor that I could have a beautiful healthy athletic slim desirable body ... yet it has all come true with years of self improving effort put in. ((((())))) hugs you're absolutely doing the right thing

One cookie, no. When that one cookie becomes one cookie every day, though, and then becomes two cookies every day, then 5 cookies a couple of times a week... it DOES lead to weight gain.