What I've learned about struggling (so far)...

I have come to accept that some amount of struggle is my lot in life when it comes to eating and food. The nature of the struggle will vary, and I can have long period of peace around food. But I cannot expect that my struggles with food are over because I had surgery, or because I am peaceful today. And that’s okay.

I didn’t struggle very much with following my food plan right after surgery. I wasn’t as hungry, I was excited, I was rewarded with some pretty exciting weight loss. At six months, I started struggling more.

So what do I mean by struggle? It means sometimes it takes more energy than I wi**** did to manage my eating and my feelings about food. It means that some days I feel discouraged and defeated by the amount of effort it takes to stay on plan. It means that I find new trigger foods. It means, some days I don’t make the best choices, and feel those old demons of guilt and shame. Some days, all I can hear is the chatter from the monkey on my back, telling me how a pound of peanut butter fudge could fix *anything.* Sometimes it means I am not eating optimally, and I just get vague stirrings that let me know the monkey’s awake. Sometimes I have to give food or calories back, and I feel sorry for myself because it’s *hard*.

But the important thing for me to remember is that there is something on the other side of struggling. It can be a reason to give up, eat whatever I want, to turn the car keys over to the monkey and fall face down into the food. That’s the outcome I *fear* when I struggle. But it can also be an opportunity to figure out how to do things better. And I don’t mean, perfecting my food plan. I mean, the struggle lets me know there’s something that I need to learn, something that is going to be helpful to me to figure out, and something that needs my attention.

Having and following the perfect food plan doesn’t insulate any of us from the struggles people have who have spent a lifetime having a screwed up relationship with food. And success is persisting in follow my food plan *even when* it’s difficult or uncomfortable or discouraging. Those feelings of failure and despair are weapons the monkey uses against me, to try to get me to eat. You’re a failure, this isn’t going to work, nothing works for you, you might as well eat. The message varies sometimes, but it always ends with “you might as well eat.Â"

Happy, I dont know what I would do without your posts, honestly. You tell it like it is. I was tired of fooling myself in thinking I was so perfect in this journey. I struggle too and it seems even more so the further out I am. Like you, I wasn't hungry at first, the weight was melting off, I was so wrapped up in all that, I wasn't tempted to eat the bad stuff.
Now, it's different. Being closer to goal and having done the strict diet in the beginning which for me felt for a long time, hitting longer & more frequent stalls has made me want to just give in at times. I am trying to figure things out and I'm trying to figure MYSELF out since I refuse to let food take over my life again. I know what it feels like to be thinner, happier, & healthier ... I'm not going back, ever. This is a learning process for me. If I fall, I'm going to get back up, simple as that.
Thank you for this post Happy. As always, it's truly enlightening.

Jenn, I have found the temptation to increase with time as well.  But it's *never* been as bad as it was before surgery, and I feel comforted to know that I don't have room for 2 pounds of  food at the Chinese buffet!!  I really have to tell myself that clean eating is its own reward, because I have weeks of no scale movement.  We just have to trust that following a good food plan, imperfectly, for the long term gets us where we need to be.  We'll get there!!

 Hi Happy!  I love this post. Life continues to send us challenges. We get to decide what to do with them.

I think that the reward for clean eating is the release from the constant mind chatter about what to buy, how to prepare it, whether to track it, whether the protein ratio is good..... We get to make a plan, follow it and allow our lives to move on in other ways.  I hate how food controlled my life for decades.  Clean eating gives me relief from my own brain.  I don't ever want to go back, so it's put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

 Thanks so much for your ever-insightful posts!

I am coming to terms with the fact that something in my brain will always be 'broken' when it comes to food but ultimately *I* have the control over what goes into my piehole!

Thanks again for being you!

Yes!  No control over my thoughts or feelings, but total control over what I put in my mouth!  Thanks for being you, too!!

Wonderful post!
I think you eloquently voice what so many of us go through. Yes, some days are good and some days are just down right hard. I really like your perspective of using the struggle as the need to learn something.
I'm feeling very tenuous about easing into maintenance and your words are very appropriate for me today.
Thanks!

Kairk, remember, you only have to worry about today.  Put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing.  You'll do great!!  That's monkey talk, that makes us scared and worried about the future.

Another amazing post! I think I am struggling with a lot of the same issues and they started popping up around five months post op. It is more of a struggle and I fight the voice or the monkey daily. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose. Thanks for another awesome post. You really should compile them and write a book. Your words seem to have a calming effect and put things into perspective.

Well, if I did, I would be sued since I am only telling you what I was taught in OA, via AA.  Very much the disease model of addiction, and stuff you would hear in a lot of (good) OA or AA meetings.  But thank you!  It is important to keep perspective and strive for serenity.  Hugs!!