Surgery and Food Addiction (Part 1?)

If you've read many of my posts, you know I identify as a food addict (compulsive overeater).  I spent many years in OA, and struggled with my decision to have surgery, since I felt like if I were really evolved enough, or worked hard enough on my recovery, I should be able to lose and maintain a healthy weight loss.  While that had happened early on (in my late 20s), my recent experience had been to lose 50-60 pounds, and gain it back - at least 3 times over.  Very demoralizing.  But I still wondered how surgery would really "work" for me - someone *****ally believes my problems are in my head, not in my stomach, and *****ally *gets* that I have powerful addiction that wants me to use food to manage most of life's issues.

I decided to try surgery ultimately because it had worked for so many (some of whom presumably feel as addicted to food as I do), and because I hoped that the reduced hunger and reduced capacity would allow me to stay on a healthy food plan with less difficulty as I had been experiencing.  Fortunately, this has exactly been my experience.  Not like I got an "EASY" button, but maybe an "EASIER" button.

However, I still rely on many of the things I learned about myself in OA to navigate life to day, post-surgery.  Surgery changes just a small sliver of our lives in some respects, and some of the most profound changes (teeny tiny capacity, no hunger) can be temporary.  I thought I would share with you some of the things that have helped me a lot through this process.  It really doesn't matter if you see yourself as a food addict or not - we all struggle with food in one way or another or we wouldn't be here!

Something that happened to me when I gave up sugar for the first time - many years ago - and started following a food plan was a profound period of mourning for food.  I have this really clear memory of being in my living room with my girlfriend at the time, who was eating a bowl of ice cream.  I felt so bad that I couldn't have any.  I burst into tears and said "I feel *so* deprived that I can't have any of that ice cream!"  My girlfriend looked up, blinked at me, and said, "I think you feel *deprived*."  This light bulb went off in my head - an explosion, really - and I realized how I had all these feelings that *seemed* to be linked to food, but were really there whether I ate the ice cream or not.  Something clicked, and I finally *got* that something was not right about my wiring in that department.  That a simple bowl of sugar and cream didn't have the power - or shouldn't - to trigger that kind of emotional response. 

That was not the last time I felt deprived around food, not by a long shot.  But every time it happens, I think back to that moment.  I think about how that bowl of ice cream really had nothing to offer me, nothing it could do to fix those sad, deprived feelings.  It could help me forget, it could distract me by the guilt and disappointment I'd feel after I'd eaten it, but I'd *still* feel deprived because it ultimately didn't have anything to do with ice cream.

What I *could* do was comfort the part of me that felt deprived, tell her how I was going to start taking real care of the problem now, and *do* something to fix "deprived."  Sometimes that means I take a bath, sometimes buying a book, sometimes having a good cry with someone who will be nice to me.  But I will not eat the ice cream. 

As we give up our old ways of eating, we give up what excess food used to do for us. We also have to remember it didn't do it very well.  We can figure out better ways of coping.  Here's to a great weekend for all of us!

 

I totally understand!! I feel the same way! I always feel worse when I give in to temptation, and it NEVER makes me feel better! Why then is the impulse so STRONG to eat bad food?!!

There are many reasons - some bio-chemical, some psychological - but for me, it ultimately doesn't matter.  It just is that way for me, and I have to decide what I'm going to do to deal with that.  Food-wise, me first priority is to not wake up the monkey (the addictive desire).  This means abstaining from certain foods that - for me - are guaranteed to wake the monkey.  I am very successful with some foods, less so with others, but thank goodness the world is full of yummy foods that the monkey can sleep through.

I am crying to hard to post an articulate response so let me just say thank you for positing this!

 

Kim

{{hugs}} 

I promise you it is possible to live life much more at peace with food.  I cannot do it alone, because my thinking always reverts back to addict thinking left to my own devices.  But it is very good to be in a community of people who know what I'm going through.

Great Post, Happy! I can so relate to the feelings of deprivation! That is really the basis of what I have been dealing with these past weeks. I mentioned yesterday to my best friend that I had been feeling sorry for myself because I had no coping mechanisms left on which to fall back - translate coping mechanisms = unhealthy vices! Rather than soothe my feelings the way I once did I'm having to deal with them. Not always easy or pleasant after having spent decades using food, caffeine and drink, tobacco.... to numb the feelings!

On Halloween I told Ron I wanted to go to a support group meeting and he questioned me on that (we always hand out candy together and then go to a late dinner....). I likened my state to being like an alcoholic on New Year's Eve and needing an AA meeting. He laughed and told me to go then! He got it, once I put it in terms that were easily understandable. So many people get the booze addiction, but don't have a clue about those of us with food issues.

I wonder if food addiction issues are just a different manifestation of the same emotional issues that are at the root of alcoholism, drug addiction, etc... I know there is a physical component, as well, but, still.....hmmm......

Yes, in a way I think so.  I think there are addictive personalities and we latch on to our drugs of choice.  Mine is food.  I think it is so hard with food because we can start using in childhood - I mean, I was using food when I was 4 years old - very clear memories of doing this.  I think it affected the way my brain got wired as I grew up.  But on the other hand, I'm not sure my emotional issues are that different from anybody else's, I just think I need food to manage them when regular people just, well, manage them.

First, great post Happy. I don't think I could do this without the years I spent in OA, learning how to be honest about my food.

Kairk, I have no interest in alcohol or drugs. I have said for decades that my drug of choice is food. I started using it when I was 7. I needed, or thought I needed to meditate because the events of my life were way too overwhelming for a seven year old. I would take a piece of chocolate anything over a pound of cocaine.

I think that drugs and alcohol also have the physical component. What I learned in OA is that I can put down the sugar in the same way that an alcoholic or druggie put down their drug of choice.

It's all in what I want. Sanity and relief from the mental obsession or a party in my mouth. I guess I still enjoy banging my head against the wall occasionally.

I just bought a book about food addiction yesterday.  While I don't physically feel hungry, my head is still stuck in that old way of eating.

Food addiction isn't easily fixed with surgery.  Surgery has only helped me physically, but mentally, I'm still suffering.

I'm not missing sugar all that much, but I'm feeling quite depressed about pizza.  Pizza is my "drug" food.  I miss it and I'm depressed at times because I can't eat it.  I'm also afraid that once I'm able to eat it again, it might be too much for me. 

Thanks for posting this.  It helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle.  

You are so right!  Surgery has not fixed my addictive thinking about food.  It has made it easier to not act on those desires.

I have to talk to myself a lot.  I have to remind myself that what excess food used to do for me, it didn't do very well.  Whatever I think I'm missing is a mirage.  In OA there is a saying (12-step programs tend to have lots of sayings, or slogans).  Avoid dwelling on any real or imagined pleasure once derived from compulsive eating.  I am reminded on this saying nearly every day.  First, it helps pull me out when I find myself fantasizing about eating X or Y.  Second, it reminds me that that pleasure was ultimately *imagined*.  Did I enjoy eating mass quantities of food?  In the moment, absolutely.  From the point where I decided to do it, through about a nano-second afterwards.  Otherwise, it was pure hell. 

Thank goodness we're not alone - I'd be sunk!!