Surgery and Food Addiction (Part 1?)

Hi Laci,

I still eat pizza. But I call it WLS way-sans crust. Only cheese and toppings. Oh, and my WLS imagination. Delish and guilt free. Almost. Psychologically I feel a bit of guilt because of the fact that I'm eating pizza. Don't forget-I'm a food addict. Big time. And the farther it is from the day of my surgery the sharper my addiction demon is biting me. But sometimes I feel satisfaction when I say"Nooooooooo". And sometimes I fill deprived. 

Alla.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and from many others who are crying too hard to write back to you now. ((((((hugs)))))))

I have not been on OH boards in months and have not posted in years. Something led me to read the forum today and I'm so glad I did. YOU HAVE WRITTEN THE STORY OF MY LIFE! I am a binge eater and was consumed by shame after each significant loss and regain. Before I go on, I want to let others know, I will be 5 years out from VSG surgery this month and it was the best thing I ever did. There have been incredible ups and unimaginable painful lows (both physically and emotionally) but, I am in size 12 instead of 24, and the most important thing: In the last 2 years I have learned to let go of lifelong SHAME and love who I am, warts and all.

I was an OA superstar-- worked the steps (HARD), sponsored, was a speaker, did regional service, etc. At 25 years old, I lost 140 pounds. The pink cloud eventually morphed into a gray storm. I gained over 100 pounds back in 5 years; lost 50-70 at a time over the years, only to gain back with a bonus each time; lost over 100 AGAIN, gained it back over several years; lost 30-40 pounds at a time, gained it back---rinse and repeat for decades! The other thing I gained over the years was an ever increasing believe that I was the biggest failure in OA. I started OA when I was in my early 20's and I am now in my late 50's.

Several years ago, my GP and my GYN both wanted me to have WLS and said that the massive yo-yo way of life was going to kill me. They said if I had surgery, I would not be hungry all the time. I literally laughed out loud and said "NO WAY" to surgery because I didn't have issues with being hungry...I wouldn't have been obese if I only ate when I was hungry--duh. I had issues with addiction and food has been my drug since I was 4 years old. It doesn't matter the horrendous issues of my childhood--let's just say I'm glad I had food to help me escape the realities of it.

No, my fear of WLS was not that I couldn't lose the weight--I've proven that I can over and over. My fear was gaining it back, and, since past performance is a great predictor of future performance, well... They sent me for a consult with a bariatric surgeon, Mark Vierra--a wonderful man! I was brutally honest with him that I didn't have another failure left in me---if I go through with WLS and gain the weight back, the shame of doing that ONE MORE TIME-- I will be so suicidal. I told him "I'm afraid I won't survive the shame this time". I also told him I almost laughed at his seminar when he said people with eating disorders were not candidates for WLS. Really? How did we all get obese if we don't have disordered eating? He finally told me that I was much more self-aware and self-honest than most WLS patients and that I understood all too well the multifaceted emotional issues that comes with becoming obese in the first place.

I was ambivalent but desperate at the same time. I set up and cancelled surgery twice before finally going through with it 5 years ago. (different surgeon because of cost). All I can say to anyone like me: PLEASE know you are not alone! Even those of us who struggle before and after WLS, can be successful if we understand that life-long issues (abuse, neglect, abandonment) and the associated "coping" strategies: food, alcohol, isolation, depression, self-hate, etc. can be abated, just not in the same linear fashion as someone without our histories. I would not change one day of my life and am grateful for the person I have become. We are not alone, truly.

You are my long-lost twin sister!!  Hugs to you!  I am so grateful I had surgery, I wish I could adequately communicate to people in OA how it *can* actually help and isn't some big cop-out.  Hugs to you, too!!

 

My path in OA was very similar. Sponsor, speaker, regional service. When my doctor suggested surgery in 2009 I thought it was just another sign of failure. She said it was time in OA, my daily exercising etc that made me a great candidate for success. My adult son convinced me to have hope and go for it.

Life with food is still a challenge, but so much better than three years go!

I, too, am so glad to see this thread.  At 40, I joined FA, which is an offshoot of OA.  Some people call it the food nazis because it is so strict.  It took me a couple months to get it but once I did, I lost 120 lbs in about 14 months.  I remember one old timer telling me she never thought I would last.  Boy I showed her.  Unfortunately it triggered a real disordered thinking.  I became obsessed with the scale and would use diuretics just so the scale read less in the morning.  I couldn't get the final 5 lbs off and got frustrated and went on a binge.  I went back to program and had another year of abstinence and then broke again, only to gain 50 lbs in 6 months.  I maintained that for a while but over the last 2 years I've gained back the weight. Now I'm 50 and at a weight I never thought I'd see again. 

I have my first consult on Monday and am so excited.  I'm nervous, too, because I know hunger has nothing to do with eating for me.  I'm afraid I'll fail at maintaining what it takes to make the surgery successful.  I am currently working with a therapist and nutritionist and when I told them I was considering surgery they both gave me that look of concern that I was looking for the easy way out.  I know more than anyone what the risks of surgery are.  I handle medical malpractice claims and the saddest claim I've ever handled was a 21 year old woman whose surgery went wrong and she died on Christmas day leaving 2 babies behind.  So I don't make this decision casually in any way.

It's great to see other program folks here and to see that you have been successful.  As I told my therapist yesterday.  I will always struggle with food, but at least I can get the weight off and be able to move and exercise if I get the weight off.

Listen, I think if you have a program, you'll do *fantastic* with surgery.  I don't go to meetings (at least not f2f meetings) anymore, but you know all about the hard work it takes to get abstinent, and how easily that addictive thinking comes back if we're not vigilant.  

What I am learning right now is that there is something different after surgery - it was so hard for me to get back on track after I went on a real bender, and dealing with the unrelenting hunger was more than I could handle.  Now, I don't do so much damage if I get off track and I am satisfied with so much less.  And 2 pounds of food at the Chinese buffet isn't an option!!

I am *so glad* I went ahead despite my misgivings. 

I'm so glad you are going for a consult. For those of us who know "it's not about what we eat, but what's eating us", WLS is a great tool, but must be only one tool of many in our ever-growing and changing toolbox. You are so right about exercise--it is so much easier to do at a lower weight. We still need a support system, it's just that mine is not OA anymore. Ironically, I met my two best friends in OA! You will not regret WLS-just make sure you have a strong support system.

I still struggle with the same behaviors around food, but with consequences to a much lesser degree since WLS. I have a range of 20 pounds that I vacillate with now, not a range of 130 pounds!

Good luck with this new phase of your life!

This is such a great insight. We have all eaten from some feeling of deprivation and all felt deprived when we declined foods we wanted. Even post vsg when its much easier to turn down the things that are not good for you, the feelings are triggered as we see others indulging (i.e all the chocolate eaters that were here at Halloween).

Its so great that you recognize that this feeling of deprivation is some kind of wired in response that you can work on overcoming by engaging in other activities. I try to do  "delay" thing and think "ok I won't eat this chocolate right now but maybe another time I will have some". Gets you through the moment and avoids the thought of OMG I can never have chocolate again in my whole life so I might as well give up. Also helps to think about giving up a bowl of ice cream is a pretty small sacrifice for good health and much less of a deprivation than many others in the world experience.

Anyway, keep up this line of thought, Happy. It does us all good.  Diane

I still tell myself that, all the time, that if I still want X, I will eat it tomorrow.  I hardly ever want X tomorrow!! 

 

I did the same thing. It's not on today's food plan but I can put it on tomorrow if I really want it. Sanity generally returns before tomorrow!