I Belong....He really IS listening.
Hi Patiurple (and ALL, this began as answer to ONE person's post earlier, perhaps you can relate)
You are doing the right thing by Admitting and Accepting a problem.
Its been 3 years huh?
Usually that kind of problem starts showing up at around year 4-5...
It takes a mental discipline, and the love, kindness and support of "those who have been there" to even begin to admit to one's own self that, what appeared to be a shinny, gift-wrapped diamond, can cut through everything that you hold dear and is creating a lot of wounds.
So the mental discipline is a function of forgiveness, over and over....ad infinitum. As each new problem arises. At first seemingly, unrelated to anything else....
So, you take it one problem, one day, one minute, at a time. And deal with this one.
Breathe, cry, pray. Forgive:
Yourself,
the well meaning people who supported you,
the detractors who feel vindicated and tell you, "I told you so",
the newbies who in their own excitment/fear blame YOU personally and say, you are in denial, you had an addiction all along it is YOUR fault...
Smile and know, that these emerging truths, are so scary to see in others that the mere implication that it could happen to ME are too scary to consider...no! SHE had it coming! Shoulda done her research, shoulda taken care of her addiction, shoulda never been obese...hm.
After, 9 years I come back here, again, where it all began, where other long-termers are finally starting to share openly. When the balloons and confetti are no longer floating quite so high, and the floor is beginning to look like it needs to be cleaned, and the music is beginning to feel annoying rather than fun.
So cry, and admit, and accept and take action...
at times, minimal action. Because I've been to the OTHER groups, the ones who have a "singleness of purpose" and I became a star in one, and then the next, and then next, and then....
Realization....I do not, reallly, identify with these people. I did not always have this (addiction, behavior, etc). I am pretending, my true personal history is not one of decades of fighting THIS thing...
AND they never knew me as an obese person...
AND they have never been obese.
But hey, They like ME! they really, really like me! because I came, kicked ass and took names. I am sponsoring too many people...my sponsees are themselves too busy...It did feel kinda too easy to give up (fill in the blank) but then again, It only gave me problems for less than...what?
2 years at most?...what was THAT all about anyway? I had never for 29 years even liked the smell, much less the taste or effect of _____ but then I REALLY REALLY liked it for 4 months!
Then one day, you read a post on OH, as you are...oh,I don't know: trying to take a break from studying for your Final Exam in (insert awesome college class name here....what? you haven't gone back to college yet?...sure!
Heck, you can even get invited to teach at the very same college you attended so long ago!
Happens right after you finally quit that job that you hated, but now "deserve" and got a much better one. I PAID THE PRICE DAMN IT!
Usually right after we finally dump him/her because s/he can't handle the "awesome" and sexy love object that we've become to the members of the opposite sex...never mind the nerves of being nude in front of new-her for the first time.
She's more worried about herself and her breast size, and her hips no matter how athletic she appears to you...Ah it is so good to be FIT AGAIN but what the hell is wrong with my back lately? I noticed that the last time we went camping, My bones, not my muscles, felt....different? And what is with that strange tingling, electric feeling I sometimes feel on my solar plexus, left arm, left....Where is my heart again? What are the simptoms of an Anxiety Attack....Thank god I'm not like THAT crazy chick from Louisiana, there was rumor that she started doing too many Xanax... Duh! I'm so glad that MY doctors has given me instead Alprazolam....completely different...I mean it has to be. Different name, different thing. Everybody KNOWs that!
But for some, weird and strange reason we come back, here, at some point, and for some long forgotten reason, here where it all began, and we find that:
A) a lot of people have....disappeared. No one even knows who you are asking about... or even who YOU are. REALLY?
B) there are all kinds of rumors about so and so that used to be so positive or so negative....thank god, I was never like THAT guy...oh....oh but...wait, wasn't s/he always talking about THIS VERY THING that has brought me back here today?!?!?!?
C) Where are all the people who had surgery 2-5 yrs ago?...oh right, they're all still in the PINK CLOUD, the Sweet-Spot, the Achieve, Acquire, Conquer, Make up for Lost Time STAGE. They don't even admit in _______ Anonymous that they were ever obese...hey why talk about "outside issues"?
D) "In Memoriam"....WHAT THE F?! I REMEMBER HER!!!!
all of that is part of the truth, or a version of the truth...but what is really magical about this place, what is, and continues to bring us (me) here is that here:
I REALLY DO BELONG
I don't need to learn a whole new methodology, a harder-harsher way, 12 steps of any double adjective, 10 commandments of anybody, 8 folded anything, the 7 habits of anyone, the 4 Noble anythings, the Triads, the Duality of the perceptual anything....
Here I can just be: , Xian Maximus, El Studly presidente, Cristian...Christian I.
Confused, seeking information, and feeling not-quite-sure-how,
I come back AGAIN but feels like FOR THE FIRST TIME. Why?
Because here I Belong!
I Belong. There is no need to prove that. Or to share my story in a simple 3 stage format: What I used to be like, what happened, what I am like now....Here there are no little crowds in the parking lot saying my name the minute I drive up. No BIG crowd when I stand behind the podium, repeating back to me, who and what I am.
Here I am/am not as analogous or anonymous as I elect to be. So I just am, me, ya know...like ME, like the same dude, like don't you remember the Very First convention in Arlington when I met...not you, and not you, and ...where the heck are all THOSE People?
I Belong... I BE...long. I long to be with....I...AM.
the same I AM that was, is and will be.
The same I AM that said "let there be light"
The same I am that each and everyone of us, them, all, every ONE, can and does say prior to any
adjective that only serves to keep me separate from my fellow Being, who is also having a human experience.
I Belong. and so does everyONE else...I just happen to have spent more time...or at least more experiences that are similar with THIS particular group of beings.
And here we really dont have a long history to draw from, or a charismatic leader, or a book of some sort, or a whole lot of experiences even. We are, a new breed.
We are the Surgically Altered by Choice or Cir****tance. And we pay a very high price.
Much much higher than any assessed monetary amount (covered by insurance or self-pay). because it is a weird kind of unscheduled, debit that never stops, and there are no documents that tell you exactly how much you owe, have paid, are paying, when the next debit will happen and just for how much it will be....its not even about price or money....it is an escalated and escalating cost.
One that, as time progresses, you begin to wonder if you are still feeling quite as enthusiastic as you did about paying it even...a year ago...a month ago...
Here: We Admit We, In the present tense, and it was so yesterday, today and will be tomorrow.
As long as I AM and so are you.
WE ARE ONE, and other than a single decision and executed surgical process (that varies by many flavors) we REALLY don't have a common solution YET, because we don't even have a common problem. We have all kinds of "weird" experiences that the medical professionals are trying to act like they understand (but then they don't really even understand malabsorption) or the long term effects. The couple of studies...well, lets not talk about those. because even I get scared to read those statistics.
and many among our numbers actually explicitly are beggining to say. " I regret ever having had.....surgery. I would rather be XXXX pounds than be dealing with ________."
You are in the right place, my friend, I know you feel confused, after feeling so sure, and that is OK. I recognize the feeling that you may not dare spell out, becauseI have it inside of me also.
I may only be able to tell you that you are not alone, but at times, that is all that I really need to know...because it was while alone, that I used to stand in front of that frigid air, coming out of the Frigidaire, before I came here, but lately, the Stainless Steel Sub-Zero is starting to look, smell and feel a whole lot like the old fridge!
There, where I used to eat while standing at night, in the near dark....and I KNOW that I do NOT want to go back to THAT for sure. I do know one thing. I rather be interacting with someone more like me, than with many ones, who do not know themselves at all, or worse. By myself, trying to quiet me, in solitude because I am so scared of being alone.
I heard YOU today. Can you Hear me?
C. ISMAEL (literally: God Listens)
No, no, no. Thank YOU.
I've never self-disclosed like that before. Thank YOU for being the one...of 2 who took the time to read, what I myself, did not really mean to write....came through me, but not frome me.
Its too important to remain silent about.
I do not want to burst anyone's bubble. God knows, I'd never listen to anyone who woulda tried to burst mine. Its too attractive a surgery. Deceiveingly attractive.
Who, could possibly say no?
By making you jump so many hoops to even be able to get it, be really loose sight of the "Is this REALLY what I want?" in favor of the "Can I get approved?"
oh, poor poor, innocent young man, poor chubby, fatty, former athletic champion, just wanted to be, to look, somewhat like he used to be...
Who could resist? Not I. Did not.
Since you're still early in the game, and I mean this, for real, for real, congratulations!
Be....conscious, aware, cognisant....to enjoy everything that is about to come your way, and to develop heart-felt, soul-searching, like-minded women, who will look out for you and vice-versa, and do it, now, before you or they feel like one had something to gain from being honest friends with the other one.
Don't forget what it is like to feel rejected (for being obese) by those closest to you, because sometimes, it happens all over again for completely different reasons, but having survived it once. you KNOW that you will survive it again.
Invest time in developing Faith, irrational Faith (that surpases all understanding).
But most of all, First and foremost have a freakin' healthy good time, and party like its STILL 1999!
;-)
I wi**** was only my head (as opposed to my heart and soul) that hurts...
pain...the spiritual touchstone...
Thank heavens for tylenol...and stick with that and only that baby.
Temptations might come looking for you, and they are going to look like ....a freakin' million bucks, sometimes temptation is literally a woman in a red dress and freaking "Manolos"? Shoes.
Remember to Be Still and KNOW...
and do not give the pearls to the swine...
Comforting...
only in the sense that is better to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but....
Comfort. Really? You are a blessed being if you are able to see that.
As the person going through it, right now, I have to use very intense meditational practices to become the Observer and be able to detach from the feelings, sensations and mental constructs that I percieve as reality....
But mostly, I just try to have fun! And I advise you to do the same. Laugh with those who laugh and cry when appropriate....which in my case, i often do, even at inappropriate times.
I have become a very inappropriate individual. So I stribe for NOT rigorous honesty, but, Kind, Compassionate, subjective, anecdotal re-telling of experiences.
You seem...familiar. have we spoken before?
BTW, I also meditate daily. Been doing it for 1.5 yrs, and I'm still not even close to where I want to be with it. But I guess there's something to be said for persistence.
Thanks again!
Batwingsman · 5 replies · 1527 views