My Life is a Documentary

  I've posted a couple things here before, but, this weekend has been a head spinning realization for me. p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Arial} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Arial; min-height: 14.0px}

 

I could absolutely do a documentary on how people treated and perceived me as a "fat person" and how I am now treated and perceived 120+ pounds lighter.

 

My husband and I are definitely having some problems and his jealousy is at the root of it all. He is insanely jealous every time I leave the house and has acted inappropriately to me and about me in front of the kids. All of them - age 6 to 16. They've all heard him and seen the way he behaves.

 

Now, my inlaws are all insistant that I've changed and they've seen the change in me. Well, I'm skinnier and my hair is shorter...that's it. They haven't talked to me in over 6 weeks since our problems all started, they base their opinion on what my DH (and that doesn't stand for "darling husband" this time) tells them.

 

I actually had an epiphany and spoke it out loud..."120 pounds ago, you sit me in a corner at a party and I'm viewed as shy and meek. Take off 120 pounds, same party, same corner and now everyone thinks that I'm too good for them and won't speak to them." My brother in law couldn't deny it. I've seen it in several people. I want to scream "I AM THE SAME PERSON I WAS A YEAR AGO!!!!!!!!" With everyone telling me I'm different, it's making me behave differently, that's for sure. I'm feeling bitter and non-trusted, angry, frustrated, hurt, the list can go on and on.

 

I feel like my time to be happy was short lived and is now over. Like I can't be proud and confident because everyone will think I'm a snob or too good for them. When, meanwhile, I'm not acting any differently than I was before. I still have a "fat persons" personality with a side of confidence. My brother in law even said he wishes I could go back to being "heavy" so that all this trouble would not have started. 

 

I wish my husband would have gotten psychological testing and therapy to prepare for this change like I had to prior to surgery. But there isn't enough preparation in the world that would have prepped me for my husband turning so horribly against me when I reached my goal.

 

Someone, anyone experience a similar story? I may also post this on the main board, as I really need help coping with this.

 

Thank you. ;'(

 

Sorry you are suffering.  I have no advice, just a comment.  You are beautiful and he is a pig.

My marriage ended because of a cascade of events that followed my weight loss. I've got to say one thing to you. To insist you haven't changed with the exception of the physical appearance is nonsense in my opinion. I know that my expectations, tolerances, and lifeview shifts dramatically.....and I've talked to lots and lots of massive weight loss patients and the stories are the same. Not being able to eat your feelings anymore means that they come out.....some for the good...some that will challenge the people around you. I think it's better to live authentically and not feel that you aren't entitled to your feelings, but for the people around you that change can be startling and frustration. My husband was equally jealous and unable to complement me when everybody around me did. It hurt. I failed in communicating that to him until we were too far gone. Your inlaws getting in on the act is unfortunate because it fuels him and it fuels your feelings of being treated unfairly.......but if I had any advice it would be to focus on things with yout husband alone and forget about the inlaws...he may not.....and they may not.....but you can decide to put all of that aside. The divorce rate post WLS is high. The reasons are complex. I didn't have children so my decision to leave my marriage - while terribly difficult ..didn't have to factor in the lives of children. I wish you all the best. I didn't take the opportunity to really let my husband know how I felt......don't make the same mistake. Susan

 Its funny  I got married  After my weight loss here  but  I here a lot of the same phrases .  " You're  not down to earth "  "you're a snob "  etc.  Im accused of " dating "  when I'm out doing business .

I don't know where  thats going to go but he BETTER  come to terms with it because I sure as heck aren't  going to get any worse looking to make him  feel more comfortable !  LOL ! 

U might want to have a talk with Ur hubby  that if he continues down this road of complaining to pillar and post  and not supporting U when U DESERVE and NEED support  he WILL  lose you ....

that may be the wake up call he needs ... 

 You are NOT the same person you were a year ago.  People change and that is part of life.  You did not have your guts rearranged and your stomach cut down to a pouch in order to be the same person you were.  You wanted to become and did become someone different.

Your husband is no longer married to the woman who told him she wanted weight loss surgery and to whom he promised 110% support.  Now he is dealing with a different woman and he is not sure what to expect.

Before you decide to divorce him, think about all of the implications.  You have six kids.  Can you and he produce enough income for two residences?  What will you, he and the kids have to give up in order to made ends meet?  I am sure you want to spread your wings and see what happens in the dating world.  That is very normal when a butterfly emerges from her fat cocoon.  Your husband can see that more clearly than anyone.  It is why he is so jealous.  Males are territorial, especially with the spouses.

Your inlaws are a piece of work. Who cares what they think or what anyone else thinks?  One way to really get even is to let them see you and your husband are united and happy.  

Before you make any life changing decisions, let me tell you a little story.

A woman went to a divorce attorney.  She told him that her husband was a pig and she wanted to divorce him.  But she wanted to make the news hurt him as badly as possible. She wanted it to be the biggest and worst shock of his life, so that she could walk away laughing.

The lawyer gave her this advice.  Go home and treat her husband with more love and kindness than she had ever done.  Shower him with attention and compliments. Take care of his every need with smiles, affection and love.  Refuse to argue or fight.  Make his life with her feel like paradise.

He told her to do that for three months.  Then he would call her and let her know when the restraining order and divorce papers would arrive.  That would be the most hurtful way he could imagine to let her shock and get revenge on her husband.

The woman agreed to do just that.  Three months later, as promised, her attorney called and told her that the papers were ready and gave her the date and time when her husband would be served.  She told the attorney that she had now fallen in love with her husband again.

More than anything else, a male wants to make a woman happy.  When he lives with a happy, content woman who loves and respects him, marriage really can be happy ever after.

Your inlaws are a piece of work. Who cares what they think or what anyone else thinks?  One way to really get even is to let them see you and your husband are united and happy.  

(bolding and italics mine)

This REALLY does work.  It drove my mom-in-law batty for a few months after I decided this was how I was going to handle her.  But you know what?  She finally realized she was beating her head against the wall and has come around beautifully. We're not besties, but we do actually get along now and sometimes even *enjoy* spending time together.  Sometimes.

I love my hubby and had to do something about the situation with his Mom.  This worked like a dream.  If things calm down with your hubby, you might want to try it.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

o boy...
You have changed. Yout outside and inside changed. You no longer stuff your feelings with food.. you no longer eat junk (I hope). You change how you dress, how you look. Your hormones changed. etc.
You may not even notice that.  They do. 
We can't not change when we lose 120 lbs. We do change.
Hopefully your hubby can change too.. for the better.

I have to agree with the posters *****plied that you have changed.  It's impossible to believe that we stay the same.  The level of confidence is such that you carry yourself differently, perhaps tolerate things differently and honestly just love yourself more when you aren't burdened with the way society views fat people.

I think it's deeper than all that though.  I think honestly that you have to look at your life BEFORE your WLS and try to see if HE isn't the same person that he was, the person you accepted for all his faults before the weight loss.  Chances are if you look really deep inside you might very well find that he hasn't changed from the person he was when you were still fat. 

If a relationship is strong in all ways then not much is going to break it apart. It's the rocky ones that tend to falter when there are changes that appear insurmountable to one party or another.

Good luck!

I have a sort of similar experience where my DH is sometimes very happy for me and tells me he's proud of me but then at other times he's jealous of my success. I think he's also afraid that he may lose me. I keep telling him this will become a self fulfilling prophecy if he doesn't cut out the crap.

 OOoohhhh, I don't even want to get into what kind of misery in-laws can make in our lives!
It's natural to want to side with one's son or daughter, and it's likely your husband went to them to complain of your "issues."   Sadly, long after you and your husband (hopefully) resolve your difficulties, your in-laws will still be holding onto their resentment!

You have changed since your surgery - inside and out.    Your new-found confidence and probable abilitiy to self-advocate scare the **** out of people.   As my ex significant other said of me, after I'd lost my weight:   "You've changed since you lost weight - you're meaner."    I wasn't meaner - I was just less willing to put up with his crap.    I'm that way now still.    From anyone.    I think that also, when a person is overweight, some people around them (not all) kind of feel that they have "one up" on them because they are not overweight.    When you take the weight issue away, that other person feelsl very very threatened.    I hope I'm making sense - I'm sleepy and my thoughts are wandering!

I think we also go through a phase of extreme vanity as we get thinner.  That's okay.   We deserve to fall in love with our new selves.   We've engaged in a lot of self-hatred throughout the years as MO's and it's nice to look in the mirror and be thrilled with the results looking back.   Our new-found interest in clothes, make-up and new hairstyles can also be perceived as a threat or source of irritation to our loved ones as well.