Help =( need advice

I had gastric bypass December of 2009. I lost 175 total lbs before and after surgery. During my transition i found out my husband cheated on me and had a baby and was hiding it. We separated in September 2010. In November 2010 I met a man who wanted to be exclusive with me. I was not ready but he asked me to let him in. I did, we are both going through a divorce. I am almost done with mine. He is procrastinating. I'm tired of it. I told him no more back burner for me. We may end up breaking up over this. I stress ate for the first time yesterday and today. It does not feel good. I'm a mess. I knew i wasn't ready for a relationship especially during my transition and just splitting from a marriage of 16 years. My kids have grown to love this man. I just don't know what to do but i do know i don't like that i'm stress eating. It scares me.

Although i am still waiting for my WLS...which is in 4 weeks...i have certainly be in a similiar situation with a cheating partner, the apologies, and the inability to commit...which sent me on the path to the emotional/stress eating and gaining the 100 lbs i lost plus another 40 for good measure. If he really loves you and is there for you he will stop the procrastinating....Look at what you have accomplished....celebrate you, live for yourself and do not settle for less than the very  best you deserve. Find something else to focus on instead of the food. you can do this ... you are strong and can overcome this.
j

Brandi..

We had surgery the same time... I know what you mean about stress eating.. Have you tried working out? I'm back in the dating scene too and it sucks...

 

Helen 

Brandi,

I disagree with your comment that you don't know what to do because everything you wrote up to that point indicates an enlightened, intelligent woman who knows exactly what she must do...

Growing in a healthy emotional direction and moving forward is often painful, especially when it involves leaving behind relationships that at one time felt safe and familiar.

We so often tend to ignore what our "gut" is telling us, and this just as often leads us to settle for less than what we know we deserve.

While your kids may indeed love this man, this does not mean that he's right for you, or for them in the long run.  Only you can determine what is in your best interest.

I would really think about whether the reason you are having difficulty with this is because you already know the answer, but fear moving on to the unknown???

In my opinion, a relationship that involves an unwillingness by either party to move forward towards a mutually gratifying commitment is a relationship that lacks the commitment necessary for the long haul.

When a relationship is right, aren't both parties willing and excited to take it to the next level???

I know with me, my husband was beyond excited to get me down the aisle, and I was just as excited to meet him there.  We've been happily married for 32 years...

Wishing you all the happiness and joy you deserve!!! 

Great and well-expressed post. Right on the money!

Helen...yes i exercise ALL the time. I do Zumba 2x/wk, Ripped 3x/wk, Ab class 1x/wk in between other cardio and weights. I love the gym and it keeps my stress level down.

Debsgiz, thank you for your post. You are right. I am scared of the unknown. I met my husband at age 18, was abandoned by my family as they moved out of state, my dad didnt' talk to me for a year. I latched on to this man even though i knew he was not right for me. I went through years of verbal and physical abuse that led to my weight gain. Food was my comfort. Now going through divorce he still tries to control me and is begging for me to come back. Ive had to call the cops many times because he has put his hands on me and pushed me around about 5 times in the past year. My marriage was not a good marriage and i am so happy i was strong enough to finally get out of it.

With that being said, i've never been alone. I dated many in the few months between my husband and new relationship and went wild. I did not want to be alone and so I actually dated about 5 men at once so i would not have to be alone.

Then i met this guy at work unlike the club where i met these other men. He told me i deserved better than that. He asked me to let me wall down, let him in so i did. Then he asked me to be exclusive with him, I reluctantly cut off all the men and told them i'm exclusive with this man. He was in the same boat as me, newly separated.

We had a long talk last night. I told him that i have been working on my issues but i refuse to sit and let him procrastinate, put me on the back burner and take me for granted like he has. I'm worth more than that. After talking all night and all morning the ball is in my court. I told him i need to think about what I want and whats best for me and my boys and i need some time. I'm going to give him so much space that he will regret wanting it. I need to work on myself and thats what i plan to do from this day out. If he still sits and procrastinates. I'm out. He says he is going to make things right and prove his love to me and within 2 weeks talk to his wife and take the next step.

thanks for the advice =)

I feel better today.

Please listen to Debsgiz. She is right on the money!
I wish you the best

Given a choice of being abuse/mistreated & misled I would rather be alone.  Why should you settle for being on the back burner?  I think everyone deserves better than that.  If he is procrastinating and dragging his feet you already have your answer.  Be kind to Brandi.

If he can't divorce his wife, he needs to be kicked to the curb!   You deserve to go forward and not be used!  Goodluck!