Telling people?

My name is Christy and I am currently awaiting my surgery date for my lap rny procedure. I've had a very complicated time with doctors and health insurance. Not my bariatric surgeon, there seemed to be a weird power struggle between my PCP and the bariatric office. But, all the kinks are worked out and I think I will be getting my date tomorrow. Which the insurance girl in the office said on Thursday she is still planning on scheduling me for November.

Anyway, the reason for my post is I feel a lot of shame and guilt over being overweight and having the surgery. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 7 months and I'm starting to feel better. She has made me realize I am not my definition on a bad person for being overweight and needing help about it. But recently on Google+ I was chatting with a guy in my town about decent karaoke bars. I had no intention of wanting to date this guy or anything, I am practically married to my live in boyfriend of 4 years, I just like talking to people from all walks of life. Especially local people in my city. Best way to find out about good restaurants or bars or the live music scene. So I revealed to this guy that I was having the gastric bypass and he blocked me! I know that this shouldn't bother me but it's just like...come on! I wasn't interested in even meeting you! We were just chatting and as soon as he found out I was overweight and having WLS he completely shut me down. I keep telling myself that I will not always be overweight but he will always be the jerk who did that. 

I've always been afraid of telling people I'm having WLS because I don't want to be judged. I don't want people to think I am "taking the easy way out" or I'm lazy or something. So I guess my question is, who do you tell? And how? Outside of my immediate family and closest friends I've known for years, no one knows. It's just hard to be strong and I guess I feel like I'm in this alone. Anyone else feel similar?

Christy, 25, Denver

It's good you've already consulted a preofessional about personal issues, as these issues sometimes are troublesome post op.  You're having the surgery for you, and not the opinion of others.  It's good you enformed family members so you can rely on their support in the future.  If you have a job, I'd seriously consider telling some if not all people there. If you have an issue with severe dumping, you may have symptoms of heart issues.  I've heard of instances where someone has a dumping episode, only to look up and see an EMT asking questions of the post op.  People will "judge" people no matter what you may or may not do.  Living post op will have some challenges, and you will likely have some negative opinions.  One woman at a local support group said she had a momentus occasion last week. She went to a large family gathering, and her mom finally said she was sorry she failed to support her daughter after surgery.  That was a BIG deal for this woman.  Judgements will be made, and you can't let that bother you. DAVE

Hi Christy,

I'm new here and am waiting for my surgery date to arrive. I too wondered about who I tell and who I don't.  I've talked to several people at my church who have had the surgery and elected to tell everyone they were doing so. They feel they may not take that same path again, for similar reasons as your concerns mentioned above. But also because of the persons who kept telling them how dangerous it was. As a result of my questions, some of the same people now know that I am at least considering the surgery. Because of that, I've gotten the same talk about the "dangers" of having that surgery. I explained that I am talking to an excellent surgeon and that I am taking the risk into consideration and left it at that.
 
In the long run, I've decided I'm keeping the surgery to myself. The results will speak for me. I figure I won't set up any expectations from anyone other than me, myself, my support persons (mom and daughter) and I. That's it.

I would definately tell the persons who you will depend on for morale support after your surgery and only those you trust will not use any of your personal health information in a negative way.

My two cents worth... 
Good luck!
Susan
48, Texas

Hi all, I am 7 months out, 95 lbs lost.  Before my surgery, I told everyone close to me, family, friends that I see all the time.  I only told one other person as work, because she and I started this together.  And the company fired me a week after I returned from surgery, so no loss there.  When I got a new job I did not tell me employer about my surgery at first.  And we only discussed that I had a surgery when the health benefits people only accepted me on a partial basis (they won't cover anything that has to do with my surgery until July). Over the course of working together, I have shared that I don't drink carbonated beverages, and that I have cut sugar and bad carbs from my diet. Beyond that, we have not discussed it much.
However, my husband and I run a social group in our local area, and we do get togethers every 6 weeks or so.  What I am starting to get now, are those people who have not seen me in months, and they are the ones whose mouths drop when they see me. And with everyone, I tell them the diet changes I have made, and the changes I have made in exercising, etc.  But, the only ones I have told about the surgery are people that I think might benefit from knowing, i.e. other friends who struggle with their weight.  And I only tell them, because if they have ever thought of surgery, I want them to know they are not alone.  I leave it at that, if they want to know more, I will be happy to talk with them. 
What's funny at this point is that the firends that know and have watched me through this process are the first ones to speak up for me when other question me about how and why I don't eat sugar and bread and carbonated beverages.  They do not hesitate to tell people that yes i had surgery, but along with that was a lot of hard work and determination to get to where I am. 
I'm guessing there are those people who may pass judgements behind my back, but I don't see them at the gym every morning.  And I am lucky to have enough good friends and supportive family that those people just don't get through to me.  I have literally had no negative reactions from people that I have told (at least not to my face).
So to answer your questions, I'm kind of like you. I only shared with close friends and family. And going forward I am selective about who I tell about the surgery, for others a change in diet and exercise is sufficient infromation to explain my weight loss.  Feeling alone? Find a local support group, maybe through your surgeon and buddy up with someone like you, who is at the same point you are.  Having someone who is going through it with you is really helpful.

People are going to judge you, it's what we do. Start from there- you judge others every day, it's normal. However, being judged doesn't change you. If someone looks at me as thinks "Boy she looks like a *****" does that make me one? No of course not.

When people ask about my surgery, I take it as an opportunity to educate them. If they say, "Well you took the easy way out"- I just point out all the difficulties that we post-ops must face (esp. the 20vitamins a day I must take!). As well as the fact that no one decides what food goes in my mouth but me, and no one makes me exercise but me.

I tell everyone who'll listen that I've had the surgery because I'm so proud that I made a decision to live a long healthy life. When you tell folks that you did these to be healthy, they generally will respond positively....because who would argue against health?!?

You are not alone, many of us felt guilt and shame about being obese- but you are finally making a decision to end that cycle and that is something to be very proud of.

Hold your head up high Christy, you are doing something positively drastic, and life changing. I wish you great luck!

:Danni

You're gonna be judged. No matter what.
It is a fact of life.

Judged for being obese.
Judged for having WLS.

Meh...whatev.
Does not affect me anymore.

I told everybody everything.
Now I'm doing plastics...still telling everybody everything.

In my opinion, there is nothing to be gained from lying or omitting.

I did not do this with just diet and exercise. I had a tool.
To leave out that fact is not being honest.

To tell or not...solely your choice.
But be prepared to live with that decision.
There is good and bad with everything.

I told my close friends and family but that was about all. A couple of people at work asked about my weight loss, and I was honest with them.

Other than that, it really is no one's business unless you choose to tell them.

 I have not made a big announcement of WLS but those people I work with and deal with on a daily basis do know.

I had been battling bleeding ulcers for several months and also had a hiatal hernia so when people I don't know well ask, I just say I had surgery to deal with those two issues.  A few people have come out and asked and I have answered honestly but I think they need to ask if they want to know the truth.

My shrink did say I should tell people though!  

I too struggled through this and continue to. I know there are different reactions that people will get. When I first told my mom and dad, they seemed like they wanted to disown me. But after I explained why this meant so much and when I educated them, they understood and will support me through this entirely. BUt when I told my mom, basically I told everyone she knew. (She's a big mouth.) I had told my mom and dad to not tell anyone not even my siblings of this. It's not that I was ashamed of this, but many people are misinformed about what WLS really is. There is a negative connotation to it and many people do look down on us for it sadly. I've had some pretty nasty comments about it and people trying to talk me out of it entirely. I think WLS is worth explaining to a person whose worth your time. One thing you forever will need to understand with WLS is that you did it for you! My uncle and aunts have been looking down on me for this since my mom told them and they have had their comments. But comments and things like you went through will only hurt you if you let it. At first I let the comments eat away at me, to the extent I wasn't sleeping. BUT it didn't take me long to realize that "hey, wait a minute! This is my life and if you don't like it, that's tough!." But keep your head up! There is plenty of nice, genuine and understanding people out there. Stick with them, they seem to have what we all are looking for. Good luck!

I told the people that needed to know and told others if the issue came up naturally in conversation.  I haven't had any negative reactions.  I'm not ashamed at having been overweight or having surgery.  I'm not ashamed about having gall stones and having my gall bladder removed, either.  I'm not ashamed of having pneumonia and needing IV antibiotics.  I'm not ashamed of haivng depression and needing medication and therapy.  Those are all medical problems I've had, and everyone gets sick at some point in their lives.  Getting sick is not something to be ashamed of, and seeking medical treatment for a medical problem is nothing to be ashamed of, either.  Actually, it's kind of smart.  If I had a severe case of pneumonia and refused to take antibiotics and then died, people would think I was kinda stupid, wouldn't they?