Trouble with your support system

Hi everyone!! I had my RNY in 2007 and have had problems from the start. Without boring you with the horrible details, short version is I almost died. I spent 7 1/2 weeks on a respirator in an induced coma. I made it through and it has been a rough road for my family as well as myself. My husband and children were wonderful and we thought the worse was over but unfortunately we were wrong. 4 years and 5 surgeries later I am still sick. I've been in the hospital 4 times since July 31st for aspiration pneumonia due to my vomitting in my sleep. My children are numb with the fact that I'm always sick. It has become the new "norm". My husband on the other hand is very very angry. Everytime I get sick he gets angry and annoyed at me. When I try to tell him that I am sick or he hears me vomitting in the bathroom he unintentionally hurts me really bad. He either rolls his eyes at me or he lets out a big sigh or uses some other body language that makes me feel very sad. He has told me recently that he is mad 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He has also said to me that I am not the woman he married. The woman he married was stolen from him by my first surgeon (Dr. Noyan) by botching up my original surgery. Has anyone experienced this lack of support? If so how do you cope? He refuses to do therapy but I've been in therapy for awhile. Any help would be greatly appreciated. At least I have you guys. It's nice to see people who are doing well on their journey. I missed out on that but at least I got to be thin for a year. Thanks guys!!! Xoxo

 Poor guy - it sounds like he needs some support too. You need to understand that this isn't all about you, even though it's you that's suffering physically.  Your whole family is affected by what is happening to you, and it sounds like you're dismissing their feelings because you're suffering more than they are.

 You managed to convey that message to me in your short paragraph here.  I'll bet they are getting a similar message, and may be feeling a little resentful, to you as well as the doctors.  Try to find a way to be more sympathetic to his loss as well as your own.  You're in this together.

I'm sorry you are having it so rough! In my family I am the caregiver to my husband who is always sick and I have to tell you it is very hard to be in this roll.... Your every moment is spent worrying, waiting for the next episode. It is tiring and I also get upset with my hubby sometimesbecause it feels to me sometimes like he isn't even TRYING to help himself.

I am not saying that is the same for you. Try to be easy on him its VERY painful to watch someone you love suffer....especially when it is cronic.

Good luck with everything.

 Thanks guys. You are right. I will try to have more patience. I carry my own guilt for making them suffer. But I will try to be more understanding of how they feel every day. I'm sure it's not a good feeling. I've been with my husband since I was a senior in high school and can't picture my life without him so I'm going to take your advices and hope it works!!

 It sounds like he is grieving and maybe stuck in the anger stage.

He needs to be able to mourn the loss of the wife and life he had  to be able to accept and move toward the future.

This is not what he planned when the two of you were married.......and it will take time and probably therapy to get past it.

You might want to read about the stages of grief (denial, anger, etc) .... Even though this is not a physical death, it is the end of the life he imagined that you would be living.

Individual or couples counseling would be a great idea.  He has a right to his anger, but does not have the right to take it out on you.  A good therapist will help him find other coping strategies for that anger.

Best to you both.

 Thanks Kath! I've been trying to get him to go to therapy for 3 years. He has done family counseling because if the situation both my children now 19 and 16 were both diagnosed with PTSD. My son was worse than my daughter I guess because she was older when it happened. But the three if us will be talking our problems out and my husband just sits there like a lump on a log. I will read the stages if grief and maybe that will help me understand what he's going through. Thanks for the advice.

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.  It does sound like a grieving process to me.  He can't get past the anger stage.  I have been a care giver before, but it was way back when I was a teenager and was left to care for my grandmother by myself most of the time.  Intolerant teens are not exactly the ones who should be left to care for the elderly.  I do remember being angry at her infirmaties most of the time, but was fortunate to remember that I still loved her.  I hope you manage to get him to some counseling, even if he goes by himself.  I think it would be beneficial.