How to ask an old friend if she had WLS without hurting feelings

Hey All,  I am in the pre-op process of WLS and for a long time now I have seen pics on facebook of my old high school Best girl friend (we were really close then 30+ years ago, but time and location took us apart).  She looks amazing and I tell her all the time how great she looks...but no mention of how she lost so much weight.  So I sent her a private message asking her if she had WLS and told her that I was in the process myself.  I won't tell you everything I said...but I left her an opt out of the conversation if she was so inclined.  But is it a grave error on my part to suspect she did?  I think if she did we would become closer for the experience...but if she has done this weight loss with out surgery...have I just insulted her?

i dont think you made a mistake. honestly usually thats the first place old friends of mine go, "oh you look so good how did you do it surgery or the hard way" which actually offends me more then the question itself. cause aint **** easy about this surgery, but i get what they mean. if she doesnt want to tell you about how she lost it at least you left her an opt out, but you never know, maybe she did and you can have a nice new connection. keep your head up and dont worry too much 

Thanks Rockie...We just reconnected via facebook about 2 years ago...but oh my there is such a gap.  30+ years...and she lives in Cali and I live in Virginia... >  If it was meant to be...it was meant to be.

Honestly --- I would not have asked --- I might have mentioned how great she looks and say that I am planning to have WLS to help me with my life-long struggle to be healthy  -- leaving her the option to tell you whatever she is comfortable sharing.

I would be offended with anything more direct --- but that is just me.

I choose not to share my WLS with many people and I never mention it on Facebook -- I treat my WLS friends like I do my OA friends -- anonymously --- so if I see them in person, I never introduce them as someone I know from my Support Group ---- I just say that they are my friend.

Other people's medical experiences are not my business (especially someone I have not seen for 30 years.

Personally, I would not have asked.  If she wanted to tell you she had WLS, she would have told you.  If I wanted her to know I was having WLS, I would have shared that information, but left it up to her to tell me or not.  I don't think it's an insult to suggest that someone lost weight by having surgery as opposed to dieting, if that's what you mean.  I just think it's kind of rude to ask people personal questions about medical procedures they may have had.

I would never ask that, I would of said you look terrific can I ask how you did it and leave it up go her to tell you.  The implication to me with the way you asked is there is some telltale sign, i.e. hanging skin, that make you think she had surgery.  And that could be viewed as an insult, or the fact if she truly dieted and exercised she may think you are taking the easy way out.

Normally I would not ask... because like everyone said if she wants you to know she will tell you.  However, because you told her you are seeking surgical help she may be inclined to tell you ...

Its really too late now right? 

If she is offended then just reply back that you are sorry, you were not assuming, just curious because you are going through this process and thought it would be interesting to get her perspective, but that you recognize it is a very personal thing and you didn't want to offend or assume anything. 

See for me I would not get offended .... but that is me... I would either respond if I want to or not.... so she may be perfectly fine.  Let us know how it goes.

I think the fact that you complimented her appearance, and told her that you are in the process yourself puts you in the clear. If she's anything like me, and she did have WLS, she is going to be so happy to share tips and give you support - please let us know how she responds!

Thanks everyone for your responses...I see the community is on the fence on this as well.  Well your right...it is to late to take it back. 

I have not yet heard back from her...but that's normal...she isn't online a whole bunch.  If she has anything left of the person I knew I am pretty sure she won't be offended (I remember her being very wide open)...still that doesn't mean she will share...It just may be her secret...which is totally ok with me.  I will drop a line to you all when I do hear back from her. 

Thanks again,

Lucy

Ugh, I would never ask!!!  I had such a difficult time adjusting to my drastic weight loss - size 5 at my peak.  I went to  something called "oldtimers day" with my sisters in our old neighbor hood.  My sisters are 15,14, & 11 years older than I am so their friends are that age (just saying, you'd think they'd know better).  One old family friend screamed out,  and this is without bad intention "OMG you got so ******g skinny - did you have a gastric bypass".  I wanted to crawl under a park bench.    My weight loss struggles have always been very private.  Personally I think it's appalling to ask if someone has had WLS.  The person can tell you if they feel there is a reason to.

Sorry, Just how I feel.  My body is my business.

All Best,

L