Pre-surgery stress out

I'm scheduled for RNY surgery Wednesday, and I'm pretty happy about where I'm at.  I've spent the last several months changing my eating habits, lost 30 pounds, read everything on the surgery--good and bad. I'm confident. I'm charged. I should be happy.  So what's the problem?

Well, I live with my husband and kids and with my mom and sister. My husband has been great. This weekend, he took me on a date--dinner and the theater. Sounds like hell for someone on liquids only and I was a bit hurt...but the big sweetie took me to a broth bar for dinner! (http://brothbarsft.com/). I got beef broth with different spices and it was delicious. I also bought some frozen alpaca(!) broth to try later. Husband's been wonderful.

My mom and sister, though, are livid that I would be doing this. Mom won't talk about it. She won't mention the surgery, won't acknowledge that it's happening. The only thing she said was, "You'll regret it." One of her employees had RNY and ended up with anemia, and Mom is convinced I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life. This same employee started at 400 pounds and is now a size 16. That seems pretty successful to me. Mom also said she wouldn'****ch the kids for me if I had the surgery, so I had to call my brother to babysit.

My sister isn't speaking to me. She told me she is opposed to WLS "on moral grounds". I told her that that was part of the problem--people assigning moral values to weight. Then she walked away and hasn't spoken to me since (two weeks).

I might point out that I have suffered because of my weight my entire life. I've always been short, dark, and dumpy while my sister is four inches taller, blonde, with green eyes. When we were kids, I had people ask, "Don't you wish you were pretty like your sister?" She has no idea what I have been through. She says, "But you're healthy! You work out more than anyone else I know!" Which is true--I'm very healthy physically, but I am emotionally tired of being fat. It's a huge problem in my profession (media), and it's cost me jobs and opportunities. She has never faced any of that. Fat hasn't affected my physical health (Yet!), but it has trounced my mental health, my self-esteem, and my quest for self-actualization.

Surgery is in two days, and half of the adults in my household aren't speaking to me. It's putting me under so much more stress, so that when I should be focusing on myself I'm instead worrying about them. I'm sure it doesn't help that I just got new birth control, and quit caffeine cold turkey, and I have pink eye, and one of my employees quit via email yesterday, and we're not going to make our sales goals for the month...

Anyway, this is long, and there's nothing anyone can do to change any of it, but I just really needed to vent.

I am so sorry that your mother and sister aren't supportive.  THANK GOD for your wonderful husband.  It's hard when we don't have the ones that we love by our side, but stay strong.  This journey is so worth it, and sometimes can open our eyes to how people really feel about us and our places in their lives.  That your mother would refuse to watch your children when you're having this surgery screams control issues to me.  Maybe it's best that they will be stepping back and not being involved in your journey.

Use this time to heal up, and to get mentally and emotionally healthy.  I don't know how healthy it is, but if I was in your position, I'd take the opportunity to make them eat their words.  They don't think that you will do well? Then prove them wrong.  Rock that weight loss, follow plan and take your vitamins to avoid anemia and get healthy just to spite them.

Good luck and stick around.  I look forward to seeing your progress!

Yeah, Mom is a whole different story. She has tormented me my entire life for being overweight.

One of my earliest memories was when I was four or five. She would weigh me in the kitchen and mark where I was on a growth chart--then yell at me. She would call me "Miss Piggy" all the time, until one day I simply refused to answer to it ever again.

She put me on my first diet when I was nine. It consisted of sitting at the table where everyone else was eating real food while she gave me a single hot dog (no bun or condiments) and a mound of boiled broccoli. I wasn't excused from the table until everyone was done eating, so I had to watch my siblings eat dessert. Nice.

Once I hit puberty, she refused to buy me women's clothes. She said I was too fat to dress like a woman (I was a size 12), and they didn't make women's clothes for fat girls. I had to wear men's clothes. Thank god I was in high school during grunge so that ill-fitting jeans and flannel shirts weren't that noticeable. She would tell me, "I was 117 pounds after I gave birth. You have no excuse for being fat!"

Now, she's fatter than I am, so I wonder if that is what really bothers her. I would think she'd be happy for me to lose the weight.

I don't want to give the impression that she's all bad--she's actually got a lot of great qualities. Unfortunately, like many people, she's blinded by weight. It's one of her real sore spots.

Anyway, surgery is tomorrow, and she's still not talking to me. It's probably better that way for now.

Wow, that is horrible.  Why do you still live with her?  Honestly, if it was me, I'd be happy to just cut her out of my life completely.  I consider what she did to you as a child a form of child abuse.  

I didn't speak to her for almost ten years--from when I left home until I got married. We're actually in a pretty good place right now.

My husband got laid off about five years ago, and we had to move in with Mom. Overall, it's been ok. In fact, we haven't had more than 2-3 tiffs since we moved in together. 

The weight thing, though, brings up some old stuff.

"My body, my decision." Make it your mantra. If somebody starts bugging you, bring it up and then walk away.

You can do this.

I don't want to say that "I understand" because everyone's situation is different!  I too have people in my family who are opposed but thankfully my husband and parents are behind me on this issue.  I agree with the above reply "My body, my decision".  As long as you know that you are making the right decision don't let anyone try to dissuade you!

OMG - A BROTH bar - I never heard of such a thing - How did he find it??  What a cutie - with a husband like him, you can ignore the cold shoulder from mom and sis.  OK, easier said than done, but, you sound like me, I had no more rational options - I could yoyo every 5 years (2 to lose it and 3 to gain it back) or do nothing (which means gaining ~5 pounds per year and soon getting knee replacement surgery).  Still, I did not tell many people because I was one of the people who said (5 years before I got it) I would never get WLS.  I am 59 now, 57 when I had surgery, and it was only after 50 that the toll of being heavy all those years was obvious - knee problems and an elevated A1C for the first time ever.  You cannot afford to take a moral stand -unless you would also take a moral stand against getting treated for pancreatic cancer (I pick this because the cure rate is the same as for obesity without WLS - 3-5% cure rate).

Hang in there, follow your surgeon's instructions to a T!  It may take a year from your mom and sis to come around - hopefully they will.  If not, continue to post here.

PS Some people sail right through surgery like nothing ever happened, for me, however, the first month was difficult, but by 3 months, almost everybody is on solid footing on their new way of life.

There is plenty of room here on the Loser's Bench for you.  We'll be saving you a seat.

I'd never heard of a broth bar either. It's just a few blocks away from DH's office. He said the first time he saw it he was thinking about what a stupid idea it was. Who would go out to eat broth? Turns out, we would!

That yo-yo is exactly like me: two years losing, three regaining...for decades. While it hasn't affected me physically yet, I can tell it's going to. My knees are starting to creak a bit. I'm more tired than I should be. I can't keep up with my family on hikes and trips.

I have to do this! I'm too frightened not to.

Stay on track. Your mom and sis will figure it out as they are able  - what's important that you have figured out what you need.  It may take them a decade to figure it out.  No reason to put your life on hold while they get 'education' about WLS.

Best wishes for your WLS journey.