Any ideas on how to converse with a 12 Step Spouse?

I thought my DH was supportive of me getting WLS. Today I found out he thinks I just "give up" too quickly. That when I hit a weight loss plateau I just give up. Now, he has 27 years in a 12 Step Program and I suppose, compared to his recovery, I do give up. He doesn't think I put enough effort in. I am so hurt. I get the feeling that he thinks I need to go to OA, WW, narcotics, cabbage soup, dexatrim, exercise walking around the world (it seemed like it), white flour/sugar free, etc for ANOTHER 30 years.
Any support out there for me?

Thanks you all!

 You know, if you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, the cure is simple.  Stay away from alcohol and drugs.  Yes I know, easy to say and hard to do.  Food is much harder, you can't just stay away from it.  Everyone has to eat to live.

So if you try to put this in words an alcoholic might understand, maybe it would go something like this.  Let's say their drug of choice is vodka.  5 times a day they have to have a shot of bourbon, or whatever alcoholic beverage they personally despise.  But they can never touch vodka again.  And you have to have 5 shots a day or you will die.  I bet there wouldn't be many successful people on this regimen.

You know, he has never met your demon and you will never meet his.  Being sober for 27 years doesn't mean he could have conquered your weight problem.  He should be supportive of you doing whatever has to be done to fix your weight problem.

"LIKE"

He doesn't sound like he is working his program, but trying to work yours.  That's not MY understanding of how 12 step programs work.

I was living with a 20+ year 12 stepper when I decided to have surgery and he supported me every step (pun intended) of the way.  He went with me to support groups and to counseling. 

I don't think your spouse's lack of support has anything to do with his being a 12 stepper, but has to do with his issues about what might happen if you lose weight.

I left my relationship when I lost weight by the way, so his fears are not unreasonable.  They may need to be addressed however.

Counseling!!!  That is what you both need.

~Becky

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Oy vey. I have no good advice, because I consider 12 stepping to be barely short of being a cult.

I guess I would say that if you've done all that stuff for xyz number of years and you're still MO, then it's time to do something that WORKS, cuz OA doesn't work any better than any other diet works.

The premise of his thinking is seriously flawed.

Discouraging you from seeking medical treatment for your obesity is no better than telling someone with advanced lymphoma to 'pray it away'.

Do what you believe is best for you.

 I cannot state a response any better than better than Patty just did, however, I'll add to it a bit.     There truly is no comparison between food and alcohol "addiction."    I cannot believe how much my relationship with food and how it is utilized differently by my body has changed post-DS.     I am stll a "foodie," and always will be, but it's just different now, and this leads me to believe that there is a strong physiological component to obesity.   I no longer feel like every bite of food is going to be my last.    It's difficult to explain - my metabolism "feels" different.    I eat, I'm full, I don't want to eat another bite, and I'm done.   A couple of hours later, I'm hungry - physically hungry - again.    I used to eat food I really didn't even like, just to eat.    Now, I'll turn my nose up at foods that I absolutely do not love, especially fast food.  I'll take one bite of something, deem it unsuitable, and push my plate away.    I SURELY didn't do that as a pre-op!

Furthermore, this is YOUR journey.   It really doesn't matter what he thinks.  He's not walking around in your skin.     You make your own decision about this, whether he likes it or not, seriously.   I was the best dieter and exerciser around.  I lost 100 lbs twice.   As soon as I reached a certain weight, which was still at least 40 pounds from a normal BMI, my body starting fighting, fighting, fighting to put that weight back on.   I spent the first 45 years of my life either gaining or losing.   I was never able to maintain a weight for more than two weeks at a time.   Aside from a modest rebound from a too-low weight, I've maintained the same weight for four years now.   I rarely even get on the scale these days.

Good luck to you!

It's not the 12-step program mentality, it's "his" .  I need to say that I am currently in the 12-step fellowship and have been for a long time. In just about 2 weeks, I will be 22 years sober and my life could not be better since i got sober. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING has changed in my life for the better EXCEPT my relationship with food. I have carried so much shame, guilt, and grief when it came to my food, ESPECIALLY since I have been so successful with my sobriety.

I must say, I DID go to OA, HOW, WW, etc.. and though i had various periods of  success (very few at that) I always ended up where I started and WORSE! I agree with everything that Julie and Patty said.

My husband is 27 years sober also and let me tell you when I decided to have the DS surgery, he went ballistic and acted and said the same things that your spouse is saying. It really hurt me and I was SHOCKED at his lack of love, understanding and support. It almost lead me to wanting to divorce him as his lack of support lasted pre and post the surgery. I ABSOLUTELY KNOW that it was not the 12-step mentality that had my husband acting the way he did but his LACK of working his program and not dealing with his OWN fears  etc...

I am clear that I needed the DS to help me change my life. I am 5.5 months out and today my husband is complimenting me everyday and has since made an apology for his negative behavior.

You must do what is RIGHT for you and live in YOUR OWN LIGHT. Just be sure this is what YOU WANT TO DO. We are here for you and if it were not for the DS board and many of my friends in my life who were supportive, it could of really been a horrible time in my life.

Glad you posted this, Live for you!

I cannot express my gratitude to each of you that have posted. I hear you and believe that not only do you hear me, YOU UNDERSTAND ME! Thank you.
 I have been beating myself up since "the big blow". I once again fell into the blame/victim role. A decidedly YUCKY place to be.
Your support has helped tremendously and I will carry it with me as I continue to pursue financing for my surgery!
It's nice to know I'm not alone.