responding to my mother-in-law

Well I am married to a wonderful man who just happens to be the baby of his family. He was pretty spoiled most of his life and his mother still makes it part of her day to be sure that he is always well taken care of. He sees her every day after work and she has begun to feed him like he'll never eat again. I haven't even had surgery yet and she's already using the fact that I won't be eating much after surgery as the excuse to bake him all kinds of goodies. How do I convey to her that its nice of her to do so but that he's not happy with all these snacks? He tries to tell her no b/c he doesn't want to gain weight(he'd actually like to lose about 20lbs) but she just continues to bake all these goodies. Since I haven't had the surgery its hard for me to stay away from them as well which just leads to an argument with my husband when he comes in the door. I have 8 weeks until surgery and she asked me yesterday if she should start preparing meals for him while I recover. I've tried to explain that I will still be able to eat some things and that I will cook(I love to cook!!!). Her response was "are you sure my boy is gonna be fed?" Any advice on how to approach her w/o hurting her feelings. My hubby just can't say no.

Jennifer; I'm also married to the baby boy of the family and my advice in this one is you have to stay out of it. He needs to stand up to her and convey his own feelings. Otherwise, she will turn you into an enemy and as my therapist says "Nothing unites people like a common enemy." If he can't verbally explain to her that he doesn't want all these extra snacks, maybe he needs to skip going by her home every day after work. He could probably lose that 20 lbs. in a snap if he used the time he's been spending at mom's to get a workout in. Blessings, Jennifer 253 / 173 / 137

actually going to her home is not by choice but necessity as he has a dog housed there which he feeds and cares for daily. I do agree that he needs to stand up for himself. Thanks

Hmm...well, that definitely makes things more difficult. He has to have the talk with her on his own and he needs to position it that "Mom, I know you're worried about me, but I'm a grown man and I know how to feed myself if I'm hungry. I appreciate that you've been showing how much you care by making some of my favorite treats, but I'm really trying to improve my health and drop this extra 20 lbs. I've been carrying around. Please be supportive of my goals." Hope this helps.

He needs to stand and say hey I don't want this or no thanks. She will stop baking in time. As far as letting her prepare him some meals I'd welcome it. You may love to cook, but it is hard when you can't eat anything but liquids. I'm not sure what kind of program your dr has you follow. However, I couldn't have anything for 6 weeks. The thought of having to cook for those 6 weeks would have killed me. Luckily my husband and son took care of themselves. here is another thought - your hubby may be telling you he doesn't want it, but if he really didn't want any of her goodies he would say no. Or he would feed the dog and say mom I really need to go. He may be telling you he doesn't want them to avoid you being upset. Why are you arguing with him when he comes in the door? Is he bringing them home?

YES, he does bring these items home but there is no argument. He very frequently will complain to me about his weight and wanting to get off the blood pressure medication that he's had to take since his weight gain. He is not obese in any way but he could use to lose that 15 or 20 pounds and the doctor has told him that he would likely not need medication if he did so. His mom will frequently express her concern for his health and at the same time bake him a cake. The issue is his mother's baking more than him eating as his father is diabetic and she bakes for him as well. We've actually come to a decision that he will accept his mother's goodies "to take home". When he gets them to the house if he wants one piece or taste he'll take it and then he's going to throw the rest away. He's done that once already since my original post and it has worked well. She thinks he's eating the fruits of her labor and he's not gaining the weight from it. As far as the cooking goes...I know I will gladly accept someone taking the time to make him plate while I'm on the liquids. However, it's 8 weeks until my surgery and my mother-in-law wants to start cooking for my husband now.

ahhh I thought I read this was causing arguments with you 2. Either he can throw them away or give them a neighbor (especially if she bakes well). 8 weeks prior to surgery is a bit much for her to be preparing meals. Just let her know you'll be happy for her to include him in dinner after you have surgery, but until surgery you want to remain doing your every day normal activities. Good luck on your surgery!

Oh, I think MIL should be appreicated more than resented. She's a mother and I don't think anything would be accomplished except hard feeling and regret, present and in the future if she was shut out or insulted. We must realize she won't be around forever. When she's gone, all the guilt one could feel is not worth it. Take what she gives and when she leaves, just throw it out if you don't want it. I've never heard of anyone regreting kindness, in giving or receiving it.. YES! I'm a mother and my Baby is my only son..I couldn't imagine him telling me to butt out. After all, if not for me, he wouldn't be the mr wonderful that he is..lol

Thanks to all *****sponded. I've been trying the "throw it out" when he gets home thing. It's actually worked out the best for us. If its something that he really wants then he takes some out to put aside and take with his lunch the next day and then I let him decide if he wants to throw it out or sometimes he takes it and shares at work. So far it hasn't been an issue that he's quit indulging at her house when she makes things. I just wanted to clarify that my MIL is a wonderful woman, has been completely supportive of my WLS(even though I thought she wouldn't be), and I know she has nothing but the best of intentions in her heart. She and I have actually talked some of this through since my first post and I think that she understands my concerns about my husband eating things that will also make him unhealthy. The last thing I want is to go through WLS and then have him have a weight problem as well. Anyways, THANKS TO ALL

I'm new to the group and have not even introduced myself but I thought I would jump in here. It sounds to me like your mother-in-law has some concerns about the surgery and what it will mean to you and how it will affect your husband. For a lot of women food is the way to say I love you. Have you talked to your mother-in-law about the surgery and what it will mean. I was really concerned about telling my husbands family about my surgery because I just did not think they would be supportive. What I discovered is that my mother-in-law turned out to be a great support. She just needed information. Even to the point of wanting to watch what I was eating when I first started on solid foods. There is a real concern with a lot of people that we will never be able to eat again which is just not true. Your husbands relationship with his mother is his business but it sounds like there is also something else going on here. It sounds to me like concern for you. Just my two cents worth.