First time encountering the "easy way out" conversation...
So yesterday I spent the day with one of my closest friends at the beach. Afterwards we decided to go to this little Mexican place to sit outside and enjoy a Margarita 
and some chips and salsa. (reminder, I'm pre-op so I'm still ok having these) My friend knows that I am having surgery on 7/3, but I shy away from talking to her in much detail about it. I just had a feeling that while she says she supports me, she is holding something back.
So we got to talking about mutual friends at work and general stuff when she mentions this one girl in her department who has recently lost a LOT of weight and starts to say, "well everyone KNOWS she has had surgery....but when you ask her she just LIES and says she has been working out and eating right!" (now, just a little background on where I work..there are a LOTTTT of us that are all seeing my surgeon. I know of at least 12 people who are pre or post op. This girl IS one of them, But I didn't confirm nor deny that to my friend...it's NOT my place...whom you see in the waiting room stays in the waiting room!!) So I said to her, "well IF she did have surgery, then it's her business whether to tell or not to tell and you shouldn't be judging her either way" And she went on to say "well she is making it seem like she did all this WORK to loose the weight, when in fact ALL she did was have surgery!!!"
Ladies and Gents, I sat there with my mouth open...then a took a LOOONG drag on my Margarita straw...and I kinda let her have it.
I told her that she has to understand that the decision to have surgery in the first place is private and if she didn't want anyone to know it was most likely because she thought people were going to JUDGE her...which is exactly what you are doing and it's not being a good friend. I told her that if this girl WAS her friend, then we should not even be having this discussion and speculating on how she lost the weight...just be happy for her that she is getting healthy. I explained to her that surgery was NOT "just surgery" (or the easy way) as it still takes a life long commitment to diet, excercise and a vitamin regimen to avoid sickness and maintain the loss...for LIFE.
Well, now I know how she really feels about WLS. She repeated to me several times though the conversation after that that she felt it was easier than doing it on your own. Now, I know she has some struggles with her weight herself, though no where near enough to qualify for WLS which MAY be why she has some angst about it.... But I just KNOW me loosing weight and her not is going to cause a strain for us in the future and I am sad about that.
Just had to vent and kinda get all this out.... I have been VERY open about my WLS with anyone who wants to know, and this is the first negativity I have gotten in response to it.
and some chips and salsa. (reminder, I'm pre-op so I'm still ok having these) My friend knows that I am having surgery on 7/3, but I shy away from talking to her in much detail about it. I just had a feeling that while she says she supports me, she is holding something back. So we got to talking about mutual friends at work and general stuff when she mentions this one girl in her department who has recently lost a LOT of weight and starts to say, "well everyone KNOWS she has had surgery....but when you ask her she just LIES and says she has been working out and eating right!" (now, just a little background on where I work..there are a LOTTTT of us that are all seeing my surgeon. I know of at least 12 people who are pre or post op. This girl IS one of them, But I didn't confirm nor deny that to my friend...it's NOT my place...whom you see in the waiting room stays in the waiting room!!) So I said to her, "well IF she did have surgery, then it's her business whether to tell or not to tell and you shouldn't be judging her either way" And she went on to say "well she is making it seem like she did all this WORK to loose the weight, when in fact ALL she did was have surgery!!!"
Ladies and Gents, I sat there with my mouth open...then a took a LOOONG drag on my Margarita straw...and I kinda let her have it.
I told her that she has to understand that the decision to have surgery in the first place is private and if she didn't want anyone to know it was most likely because she thought people were going to JUDGE her...which is exactly what you are doing and it's not being a good friend. I told her that if this girl WAS her friend, then we should not even be having this discussion and speculating on how she lost the weight...just be happy for her that she is getting healthy. I explained to her that surgery was NOT "just surgery" (or the easy way) as it still takes a life long commitment to diet, excercise and a vitamin regimen to avoid sickness and maintain the loss...for LIFE. Well, now I know how she really feels about WLS. She repeated to me several times though the conversation after that that she felt it was easier than doing it on your own. Now, I know she has some struggles with her weight herself, though no where near enough to qualify for WLS which MAY be why she has some angst about it.... But I just KNOW me loosing weight and her not is going to cause a strain for us in the future and I am sad about that.
Just had to vent and kinda get all this out.... I have been VERY open about my WLS with anyone who wants to know, and this is the first negativity I have gotten in response to it.
Well, I agree with her on one point. Having surgery IS easier than doing it "on your own." If it wasn't, why would we have surgery? If it was easier to lose the weight without surgery, wouldn't we just do that? Who is having surgery just for the fun of it?
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I see your point from the way I wrote it, but if you had seen her dismissive angry attitude about it as though it was basically a "cop out". It was frustrating. I agree that it is "easier" in the sense you mean. But she was scoffing that this girl was saying she was working out and eating right as though it was all lies. I have seen this particular girl at the gym at work every day lately and she is doing the work. I just didn't like the anger in her tone.
I would like to revisit this with her at another time to see where the anger is coming from. Something is telling me it may be that she wishes she could do it too and knows she is not able to qualify where she is. (she is 5'2'' and 185 so her BMI is 33.8) I am hoing we can talk it out before it can effect our friendship down the line.
I would like to revisit this with her at another time to see where the anger is coming from. Something is telling me it may be that she wishes she could do it too and knows she is not able to qualify where she is. (she is 5'2'' and 185 so her BMI is 33.8) I am hoing we can talk it out before it can effect our friendship down the line.
Here's my take.
It IS easier to lose weight with WLS. But the surgery doesn't do any of the work for me, it just makes it easier for me to do the work myself. So if someone were to dismiss my efforts with a casual "Oh, well yeah, you didn't do anything but have surgery", I would find that highly uninformed and insulting, because I've been busting my butt to shed this weight.
So I understand why you weer offended on your mutual friend's behalf--it seems like your non-op friend really has no idea how much work we still have to do after the surgery is over. But if she's not interested in hearing about it, don't waste your breath. In the end, you'll have lost your weight along with many of your coworkers, and your friend will still be struggling with her weight, grumbling about cop-outs. And that, my love, is not your problem.
Perhaps you could tell her, "Hey, I am more than happy to tell you about all that is involved, if you want to know details." That way, if she takes you up on it, she's informed on the lifestyle and might even consider joining your surgeon's group of patients herself. If she doesn't, then again, you go on and enjoy your weight loss without her. Change won't happen until the discomfort of change is less than the pain of staying the same. And you can't make anyone change (or even listen) against their will.
It IS easier to lose weight with WLS. But the surgery doesn't do any of the work for me, it just makes it easier for me to do the work myself. So if someone were to dismiss my efforts with a casual "Oh, well yeah, you didn't do anything but have surgery", I would find that highly uninformed and insulting, because I've been busting my butt to shed this weight.
So I understand why you weer offended on your mutual friend's behalf--it seems like your non-op friend really has no idea how much work we still have to do after the surgery is over. But if she's not interested in hearing about it, don't waste your breath. In the end, you'll have lost your weight along with many of your coworkers, and your friend will still be struggling with her weight, grumbling about cop-outs. And that, my love, is not your problem.
Perhaps you could tell her, "Hey, I am more than happy to tell you about all that is involved, if you want to know details." That way, if she takes you up on it, she's informed on the lifestyle and might even consider joining your surgeon's group of patients herself. If she doesn't, then again, you go on and enjoy your weight loss without her. Change won't happen until the discomfort of change is less than the pain of staying the same. And you can't make anyone change (or even listen) against their will.
_._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._.
Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
" Change won't happen until the discomfort of change is less than the pain of staying the same". I love this. And you are right. I can't change her mind nor anyone else's, nor do I want that to become my issue. I guess for me it was the first time I ever encountered the negativity and it saddens me to think that in the future it may very well distance our friendship. But this is MY journey and I'm hell bent on succeeding at it!
Thanks Charlie!
Thanks Charlie!
I have dealt with this same issue. I am 4 years post-op and I can remember my boyfriend at the time I was deciding to have surgery say to me "Are you really that lazy?" I also had a "fat friend" for several years pre-op, who said "you are crazy, I would never do that." Well, now I'm thin and healthy and she's not and she no longer speaks to me. Honestly, losing both of those people made me sad, but I know now that I am better off. We have enough negativity in our lives from strangers, we don't need it from the people who are supposed to love and support us. Hang in there. Your true friends will shine through this experience and you will be a happier person for it.
TT/TL/AL/BL with Aug 6/15/2012! Looking good so far!
Thank you.. I just remembered another conversation we had about it a few months ago. We were at the mall and I was thinking out loud and said "gosh I can't wait until I can shop in this section with you!" and she kinda raised one eyebrow at me and said something like "well I guess we won't be shopping together that much anymore then" I mean really?? I always go with her to shop and never drag her to Lane Bryant or where ever with me!
I also remember her being really jealous when her older sister lost a lot of weight a few years ago and she is now thinner than her and her saying "it's not fair....I was the hot pretty one, not her"
I also remember her being really jealous when her older sister lost a lot of weight a few years ago and she is now thinner than her and her saying "it's not fair....I was the hot pretty one, not her"
Jlyn - I'm super interested in any tips you have and your story. Basically we have nearly the EXACT same stats (well pre-op!) My highest is at 230, currently hovering around 225 with a BMI of 42. (I'm 5'1")
Just seeing how you did it is an inspiration to me! I often see those who have so much to lose and how quickly it comes off and that actually makes me nervous. I don't have as much to lose and I'm nervous it will be somehow harder.
Just seeing how you did it is an inspiration to me! I often see those who have so much to lose and how quickly it comes off and that actually makes me nervous. I don't have as much to lose and I'm nervous it will be somehow harder.
I'm very embarassed to admit that before I started looking into WLS and specifically gastric bypass on my own, I was one of those people who thought it was the "easy way out." In fact, I still feel a bit like I'm "cheating" if I get the surgery.
But, learning about the process has seriously been an education! It's definately not easy, and if it was it would be a end-all solution - and no one would/could gain the weight back. We all know that's not true.
I just think people see the quick results and think it is easy. I haven't yet decided if it will be my "job" to educate people or just keep it in the dark.
But, learning about the process has seriously been an education! It's definately not easy, and if it was it would be a end-all solution - and no one would/could gain the weight back. We all know that's not true.
I just think people see the quick results and think it is easy. I haven't yet decided if it will be my "job" to educate people or just keep it in the dark.
Most Active
Recent Topics