I had my RnY in November of 2008, so I am swiftly approaching my four year anniversary.

I did well... for the first six months, because that's the effortless time when you lose no matter what you do.  I went from 350, down to about 250.  I had energy; my diabetes disappeared.  My GERD went away.  I was happier than I'd been in a very, very long time.

And then I hit a wall.

At first I stayed steady at the 245ish mark.  I couldn't lose, but I wasn't gaining.  Then, slowly the weight started creeping back on.  I won't lay the blame on anyone else but myself, though living with an enabler didn't help.  I mostly blame my depression (I've been very recently diagnosed as bipolar II) and the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome (which presents its own special problems with making oneself get anything done).

Now, almost four years later, I'm sitting back at 288.

My GERD is back.  And apparently, so is my diabetes--and with a vengeance.  I had no idea how badly, I just knew that for the first time I was constantly thirsty and constantly going to the bathroom (I never had those symptoms the first time around, oddly).  I took it for granted, didn't get the Rx filled that I had been given--until I went in for a tubal ligation a couple days ago.  They almost couldn't do the surgery because my 12 hour fasting glucose was 248.

248.

I nearly fell off my chair when they told me that number (I hadn't been checking because those glucose testing strips are way expensive).

I feel like I've made the worst decision of my life, getting this surgery.  The things I had wrong with me have come back worse than they ever were when I was 60 pounds heavier.  I struggle with my calcium a lot because I don't take my supplements like I should (it's a struggle with the Asperger's because I hate to take pills) and now my teeth are developing issues; I can only imagine my bones aren't happy either.

I feel truly stuck, lost, and like a failure.  I feel like I can't get back on track with any of this, because I've obviously already done so much damage by allowing myself to put this weight back on, by allowing myself to stretch out my stomach so I can eat a whole burger and fries, by taking advantage of the fact that I never got sick from consuming sugar like i thought I should.

I feel like I should just give up and sit down and eat myself back up to 350 again, since I've already been slowly going that way anyway.  Only now I've damaged my body, modified it surgically, caused nutrient depletion and damage in other ways.

I don't understand why the diabetes is so bad all of a sudden after being "cured".  I don't understand any of it at all.  

Has anyone else had this happen?  Does anyone know how  or why it would?  It doesn't make sense, I need it to make sense. :(

First, let me say I am sorry to hear you are having such difficulty at this point.  Second, diabetes is not "cured" it is just put into remission with weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. Many people have the diabetes "flare" back up when they regain weight or don't monitor their carb intake.
Having the surgery was not necessarily a mistake.  You admittedly felt better during the "honeymoon" period the first 6 months after your surgery.  I think you can feel that way again and put your diabetes back into remission.  But you have to want to regardless of living with an enabler or any other excuse you want to make.  You need to start back with the basics.  Go on a liquid protein diet for a few day s and detox your body from carbs. Then plan your meals with all the information you used 4 years ago, protein first meals and minimal carbs from lean meats and vegetables. Keep a food diary and be honest.  Work in 30 minutes of exercise every day.
Only you can do this. So you have to make the decision and then follow through.  There is a saying that "if we fail to plan, the we plan to fail."  So make your plan and don't use your other conditions as an excuse.  Life is hard for many of us but we are here for a reason.  And we can live our lives being a victim of cir****tance or we can become the victor over our cir****tance.  You get to choose.. 

Even though I'm still very new at this, I have a feeling that you have just summed up the fears that many of us have, but just don't talk about..... What if I fail? What if I gain everything back (plus more) like every other time? What if I just can't give up all those 'bad' foods that I love?

I certainly don't have any answers for you, but I can tell you what has at least gotten me this far. The program that I went into had some pretty strict standards to it that I had to meet before I could ever even TALK to the surgeon. I don't know if most weight loss centers do the same, but I see now that the steps I grumbled about and thought were stupid are the very things that are going to get me through some of the harder times I'll face in this journey, and I'm really glad now that they were required.

I had to meet with the program coordinator and the nutrionist several times, and then follow their recommended diet for a period of time while I basically had to re-learn how to eat, since I have never had a healthy or balanced diet. That part is what I think is serving me best so far, and what I hope will continue to work for me. It took me about 6 months of doing that before they were confident that I was ready, and more importantly, that I was confident that I could change over 50 yrs of poor choices to make this work. I also had to take an initial psychological test to show the areas that I might have problems with, like emotional eating, and although I was VERY angry about the results at the time, I think I've made some real progress and received some great insight into the areas I needed to change by having to undergo weekly therapy during the same 6 month period. I'll be continuing the therapy for a while yet, since the therapist I'm working with likes to follow patients through at least 6 months post-op, but at least I'm finally at a point where we both feel comfortable starting to decrease how often we meet.

I hope that maybe some of this might help you, even though you're way beyond the point I am post-op, and maybe you can even find some ideas to try so you can find your answers and feel better about yourself and your decision. But most of all, I hope that you'll find that you're not alone, and I'm sure there is support here for you.

Jesus! You just gave me alot to think about tonight. I can only pray for both of us. I've stalled a grand totlal of 3 months in the last 7 months. What's next a gain? I pray that the Lord helps us both. 

I actually think I remember your name from back then - my surgery was a few weeks before yours.  You can get back on track, you just have to stick your mind to it.

first off, the diabetes can get to normal - you just have to watch what you eat but you also need to get to an Endocrinologist to get it under control in the meantime - it isnt like before surgery that you can go into surgery and wake up and it is gone.  This time, you actualy have to lose the weight for it go away but you can do it.  You have to go back to the basics.

Start with high protein, low carb and low fat.  Find protein shakes you like and use them as your friend at first.  The best way to start at first and to try to help reduce your appetite at first is to try to go on 2 or 3 shakes per day and then 2 or 3 small meals per day - it is very important tto have 5 to 6 small meals per day - all high protein - you can count a protein shake as a meal but it must have atleast 30 grams of protein and some have up at 40-50grams depending on how you make them.  Mine had 45grams for my main one and 35 grams for my alternative one.  They ar delicious.

You want to eat every 2 to 3 hours in order to maintain a constant metabolism and decrease hunger.  This also maintains a constant blood sugar eliminiating constant spikes and dips.

As far as your stretching stomach - dont worry - if you are worried about eating a hanburger and french fries - that is normal at 4 years out.  It is normal for our stomachs to stretch.  It is the nature of the skin as we eat.  I eat hamburgers all the time and sometimes have some fries and I had a recent endoscopy adn was told my pouch is just as tiny as before.  Some days I can hardly eat and other days I can eat all day long.


You want your protein shakes to be high protien and add some healthy carbs to go with thtem

Do not lose heart....there IS a solution for you.  It will take some work, but you can do it.  Others have done it who were right where you are.

First, and I don;t have to tell you, you have to get your diabetes under control.  While I do not have diabetes, I do have high blood pressure.  After surgery, my high blood pressure resolved itself.  Then unbeknown to me, it returned.  I began having symptoms with my blood pressure that I did not have the first time around.  I was shocked when I went to the doctor...the last thing I expected to hear was I had high blood pressure again.  I am on meds again.

As for the weight, you still have a tool.  You had surgery one year to the day before me.  At this stage we can all attest to the fact how much we can eat at one sitting.  I'm actually amazed how at times I can eat so little and other times it seems so much.  It does not make sense.  But one thing is certain, we have to choose to walk this out one day at a time.

Pulling yourself out of this slump will be the hardest part, but you can do it.  Do a search on this site and look for others who have been where you are but went on to lose the weight they gained...and more.

Do not despair.  You are better off than before.  Your diabetes may be presenting itself differently, but 60 pounds lighter is far better for your body.  Do not sit down and give up.

My advice would be to find a local support group.  Get therapy if you haven't.  And return to your plan.  I would eliminate processed carbs.  I would join myfitnesspal.com and begin tracking every bite that goes into your mouth.

You are farther than you think because you have already taken responsibility for where you are at.  You can do this, and I believe you know you can.  That is why you came here.

Stay connected to this site.  Start slow.  Every time I have gotten off track, I begin slowly.  I eat more often, but I make wise choices until little by little my appetite changes and I am once again in control.

You need support, and you need to know you can do this and take control of your life once again.

He's not my husband, he's my fiance.  And yes, he is handing me bad food as well as bringing it into the house.  He'a an eater, food has always been his favorite hobby and he finds his joy in feeding others as well--he fed his poor cat to death, and he says he plans to die at 50 so refuses to watch his diet, too, under the guise of doing what makes him happy while he can.  I knew going in he would end up having a hard time coping with no longer having his eating partner, and that has proven true.  It's just one of the things that makes me need to leave.  He will never get better with it.

I don't blame anyone but myself.  But don't tell me that my depression and Asperger's can't also have something to do with it, because they can and do.  Just because I see them as part of the problem, does not make it somehow easier to overcome.  

I don't have anything to do with my old surgeon and haven't had for years.  I only recently picked up a new PCP after my job abruptly changed insurance and I was dropped like a hot potato because of my new, crappier provider. 

I have no family.  I have only 1 friend in real life, and we're not close anymore, she turned into one of those people who exists soley for her children the minute she had a baby; I have a few online but as usual those are superficial and provide nothing support wise.  I am alone in this endeavor, have been for a while, and don't anticipate it getting any better. : /

 I know with Aspbergers texture is a huge issue.
I went through so many supplements trying to find one that wouldn't "set me off" I have literally full bottles lying around the house.

I don't know how yours presents but the only calcium I can stand is the bariatric advantage lemon and raspberry, and the raspberry has to be warm (nuked).  If I'm not on a work day (enforced patterns) I have an awful time getting meds in.  Do you still have a daily pattern you can modify to start your supplements up again? 

I really think you can start loosing again, if you can get your heart into it and your Aspbergers around it. Maybe you and your enabler supporter should try buddy therapy? If you have a 3rd party holding you and your SO accountable for your actions, it may help. 

Dont give up on yourself yet! It ain't over til they bury you, and that's gonna be a long time coming.

GL

 Ooooh! Hey! I forgot to mention. Some of the bipolar meds available have also been known to calm some of the Aspbergers traits. The BP might be a good thing in disguise. Talk to your MD about it, again I don't know how yours presents, but I do know what an awesome feeling it is to notice all the things you can suddenly do (after 3-6 months on the meds) that could never be done before. 

For me it was wearing patterns, wearing brighter colors, no more nail biting, being able to wear closed in shoes, being able to wear socks, being able to walk in the sun without really dark glasses and not feeling like my skin was going to crawl off, not caring so much about how much of the conversation you didn't "get" with your coworkers, Being able to use different types of materials, not having to sit in a certain place with your feet a certain way, not having to script a conversation in your head before having it, not having to be scared of loosing your temper ... It can really be quite freeing.

Again, GL!

I have no patterns with anything right now.  I'm out of work due to what I guess was a nervous breakdown, on short term disability and with a lot of fear about how we're going to pay our bills. 

Food has become a comfort again because I have nothing else left for comfort; my enabler is a man who I wish to leave but right now don't know how to--a man who was supposed to be my support system.  So I'm stuck in more ways than one.

The diabetes thing frightens me; it's the first thing that has really really hit home as a Big Deal.  Everything else I can just fold into my "norm", an Asperger's talent that can be either blessing or curse depending on the cir****tances... in this case it's curse.  I try not to think about the fact that by now I should have reached my goal weight, but I can't help but reflect on it.

I hope this medicine can help the Asperger's crap; food textures are a big thing for me too, and a overly sensitive palate makes it all much more difficult than I ever expected to be.

Just wish i could turn back the clock.

I don't think you made a mistake getting this surgery and RNY is not a cure for diabetes ... a lot of people that have it, go into remission but that is because the weight drop and the Protein, fruits and veggies and no or very low carbs.

I am sorry you find yourself stressed out about your job and paying bills. A lot of people feel that way and the truth is that you need to find a way to use other things as coping mechanisms for your stress.... go for a walk when you feel down, talk to a good friend, find a healthy habit.

this tool is still available to you... you can still turn this around. Go back to basics, Protein is not an option Make that your first priority. Get Vits that are chewable or the tongue strips, whatever you have to do to get them in.

I am familiar with both aspergers and bipolar (hubby is bipolar) and son has a mild case of aspergers. So I get what you are up against but PLEASE don't use either as an excuse to not do what you have to. Tough love my dear. You CAN do this right, but you wont ever do it right if you continue to use this as an excuse. There are good meds for both and you can find textures that you can handle that are meat, fruits, veg. If you are eating refined sugars, stop!

Your hubby isn't supportive? He is enabling? Do you mean he is handing you bad food? or just that he is bringing it into the house? Perhaps he doesn't know how to help you? I told you my hubby has bipolar disorder and I can tell you from a spouse side of things every day is an adventure and it is the HARDEST thing to watch someone you love beat themselves up all the time and drag the whole family down misery path. A lot of times 'we' give in to what our partners wishes are just because we can't stand you being so upset about it.

Okay so now for the good old "get help" talk. Babe you CAN'T do this on your own!! You need to get support and help. There are programs available for all three things, Asperger's, Bipolar, and WLS. Support groups... for the Bipolar you need to seek professional help. Help is always available for those who seek it.

Good luck...

Juls

First of all, thanks for sharing your story. We all need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. You can get back on track. Please do not give up!! Have you seen your surgeon? First make sure your tool is still intact. Do you track your food? I love myfitnesspal. I would track just a normal day and then try to cut back 500 calories a day to start. 

You can do this!! We're all rooting for you!!

Laura

He's not my husband, he's my fiance. And yes, he is handing me bad food as well as bringing it into the house. He's an eater, food has always been his favorite hobby and he finds his joy in feeding others as well--he fed his poor cat to death, and he says he plans to die at 50 so refuses to watch his diet, too, under the guise of doing what makes him happy while he can. I knew going in he would end up having a hard time coping with no longer having his eating partner, and that has proven true. It's just one of the things that makes me need to leave. He will never get better with it.

I don't blame anyone but myself. But don't tell me that my depression and Asperger's can't also have something to do with it, because they can and do. Just because I see them as part of the problem, does not make it somehow easier to overcome.

I don't have anything to do with my old surgeon and haven't had for years. I only recently picked up a new PCP after my job abruptly changed insurance and I was dropped like a hot potato because of my new, crappier provider.

I have no family. I have only 1 friend in real life, and we're not close anymore, she turned into one of those people who exists soley for her children the minute she had a baby; I have a few online but as usual those are superficial and provide nothing support wise. I am alone in this endeavor, have been for a while, and don't anticipate it getting any better. : /

I understand that it's hard.  You have lots of reason not to improve your situation.  But there are plenty of things you can do, if you want?

With Aspergers, don't you like routines?  So if you got into  a routine with your supplements, it would become easier, right?  If you don't like taking pills, why not use liquid or chewable supplements?  For calcium, you could use Upcal D, which is a tasteless powder you can put in any drink or soft food like yogurt.

You say you assume your bones aren't happy - haven't you had a bone density scan yet?  Are you getting your labs done regularly? 

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic.  I too  have major depression, very severe, and PTSD.  I know how those things create obstacles.  But it sounds like you aren't taking much responsibility for your health.  Do you want to get back on track?  What are you willing to do in order to make that happen?

Treat your depression...aggressively. Manage your diabetes and other medical problems the best that you can. Maybe the truth is that you need the food for comfort since you seem to feel it's the only thing you have holding you up. It may be impossible to let that go until you become more stable in the rest of your life. Get into therapy so you'll have someone to help you with the depression and then eventually the food issues. It sucks to realize we're still the same person no matter what we weight. The issues don't just go away, they have to be dealt with one way or another. This is your chance to deal with it. My personal experience has been that dealing with my depression helped tremendously. However, I still struggle daily not to overeat or eat for the wrong reasons. Some days I feel the same anger that you do because I wanted this surgery to save me but it didn't. It's helped me get a head start but it's a marathon and I'm the only one who can run it...one step at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself right now. Sometimes we're in too much pain to "get motivated" or "get back on track." Maybe just be honest with yourself and when you are overeating ask yourself why? Maybe the answer will be: because I'm sad, angry, lonely, whatever it is for you. Accept that emotion and the role food plays in dealing with it. I think that's a good first step. It shows the real problem under the food. Get your depression under control/your mood stabilized then try to face letting go of the food as a coping mechanism when you're ready. In the meantime, we're all here in the struggle with you. You're not alone even though it can feel that way. Take care and know that I will be thinking of you and waiting to hear about how you're doing- good or bad.

I also have aspergers and depression. I struggle every day not to turn these things into excuses. You have to decide if you are worth the struggle. When I kicked my husband of 20 years out of the house, bit the bullet and went back on meds, and decided to have the surgery, that was the turning point for me. And as someone who HATES change, you can imagine more than most how that affected my sense of comfort and control.

I even found myself an aspergers-y OCD anxiety-ridden boyfriend for moral support (although he claims he's simply an engineer, which is easily mistaken for aspergers and OCD lol).

If I can do it, then you have no excuse but to do it as well... because believe me ,in addition to the above, I've got more **** going on in my life then you could even imagine.  Will I be where you are in 4 years?  I don't know, but I damn well am going to do everything I possibly can to avoid it.

Sorry for the tough love, but as a fellow child of God (or whomever your higher power might be) I love you and only want the best for you.

Audrey

 I even found myself an aspergers-y OCD anxiety-ridden boyfriend for moral support (although he claims he's simply an engineer   ).

Good one!!  I'm still laughing.

I am in shock that you are not in therapy anyway after your RECENT diagnosis of Bipolar. You
should be in therapy to learn how to cope with it. To learn what to do when a mania or depression
signs begin. I am Bipolar as well and spent 7 years in therapy to learn all I could about this disorder, how to live with it and how to control it, how to recognize the signs before they get out of hand,
(also for reasons I eat). And while you are in therapy the therapist can be your support system.
They can be the person who holds you accountable. They can also be the person who helps
 you put your feelings in place about your fiance. And if he is sabatoging you why is he STILL
your fiance. I understand if it is a financial issue for you to have to stay, but a therapist can help
you with how to counter act what he is doing. Bipolar is a recognized disability thru SSD as
well as Asperger's. You qualify for Medicaid until Medicare kicks in. Both cover the cost of
Therapy. There is no reason for you to not go to therapy. SSD does not count your fiances
income and if your on unemployment it will not last forever. You can also work while on SSD
and you will have Medical coverage. So there is NO reason you cannot get into counsling
.And that Bipolar counsling will give you the counsling you need about the food. . BUT, both
Mania and Depression can cause you to eat so it is relevant and your counslor would be able
to justify the subject due to sabatoging your health.

I am only a little informed about BP and aspergers but I can sympathize with your problems. I also have diabetes and know that it will pop up at anytime. The medications seem to work against weight control so it is doubly important to eliminate carbs. You can do it because you are worth it. If it is possible to move in with your mom until you can get back on your feet and free yourself from the boy friend, you could start over. Good luck to you. Please keep us up-to-date on your progress.

 When I feel overwhelmed, when I think I have failed at life, one thing I do is make a list. Several lists.

The most helpful list is a roster of concrete goals. Eat 6 planned meals a day. Eat four servings of vegetables a day. Go to church/temple/meditation group once a week. Eliminate refined flour and sugar from my diet. Whatever your goals are, formulate them as
*  identifiable
*  measurable
*  & achievable.

Pick the most important one, the one that, if not achieved, will kill you first or that, when achieved, will do the most good; the one that lets the others happen. Write the steps and minigoals that make that bigger goal happen. Think of steps that you can do. They might be tiny little baby steps, and that's perfect.

Keep breaking it down until you have a few actions you can do pretty easily. Go for a five minute walk after The Price is Right. Cook three days' worth of green beans and refrigerate in containers. Throw out all the suger in the house. Whatever.

Don't try to solve everything all at once. One step at a time, one day at a time, and remember, easy does it.

Thanks for posting.