1 Year Out Today
Today, I'm one year out from surgery, and down about 100 # from the date of surgery. I haven't weighed lately because I was making myself in sane with a stall and just had to get some sanity back. I haven't gotten to my goal and on some levels that makes me pretty disappointed in myself and questioning if I will ever get there. I've always said I'd just like to get into the average range of healthy and I don't think I'm there yet.
Some positive things for this year:
I no longer automatically say "No" to doing things out of fear of embarassment of failing or having limited mobility. I actually went to a water park for the first time with my kids and wore a bathing suit in public.
I started regularly going to a gym until I was sidelined by a double foot fracture (horse v me, horse won) and am going to start going regularly again next week.
I can shop in "regular" stores. This is great on two levels, a wider range of options/variety, and holy crap, plus size clothing was super expensive! I no longer am forced into buying something that fits, but can just walk away and say "I don't really like that."
My stamina has increased and I can do more things, for longer periods than I ever was able to before. A day walking at the zoo isn't something I dread, but look foward to.
I am gaining some confidence in myself but it's slow going and I've started therapy this year as something 'for myself'. I now do more things that are just 'for myself' without feeling selfish.
I went to buy a suit because I am job shopping and had nothing to wear for the interview, for the first time I bought something in a size 14.
Some negatives:
Learning to juggle the nutrition has been a bit harder than I thought. I'm working at being a dilligent food logger but I still struggle some days to get protein in. I've had 3 EGDs, battled an ulcer (still ongoing) and had retained staples and suchers removed twice. Also had my gall bladder removed 6 ish months post op.
My Aunt told me the hardest part won't be the physical, but it will be the mental. She was 100% correct it is, and in order to work on that I started seeing a therapist. Trying to learn better boundaries, and to love myself, and be okay at putting myself first has been a learning experience. My self image is still off/bad.
The whole thing about "If you're having marriage strain before, it will probably continue post op". I think that's true. We're working on things but I see myself, differently than I used to and I think it's been a hard change for us both.
I've had a hard time seeing some of my positives. I still look at myself and say "Gee you're still fat! You went through all this and it's been a year and you haven't met your goals." I'm working on learning to be kinder to myself and try to see the things that I have accomplished more positively.
It has been a really hard ride, and I imagine it will continue to be. I think that once I get closer to my "Goal" and can start learning how to maintain I might exhale a little more.
In the end, if you've made it this far, I would rate this as a positive experience. All the insurance jumping, physical issues/pain, stress, mental blips, hard work has given me so much back. the ability to be more "Involved" in my life, in my children's lives, , the ability to stop being on the sidelines, and the ability to hopefully live a longer healthier life. I don't regret making this decision at all. I hope to keep progressing, make it to goal, and maintain a healthy "new" life.
Cheers to everyone!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! 100LBS LOST IS AMAZING! You should be very proud of yourself. You take the journey one step at a time. You will get there. Stay focused on the positive and look for NSV's. I hope you have a great day. Again, congratulations.
~ Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. ~ 
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