What is this nagging feeling?

Tonight I had my first meal on my soft foods diet.  Hubby and I went out to dinner with two other couples.  My hubby and I shared dinner, chicken fajitas.  I had about 4 small strips of chicken (about 1/2 in. thick and about 1 1/2 - 2 in. long), about a tablespoon of refried beans, and about 3-4 small bites of the cooked green peppers and onions (picking out the ones that were real mushy).  A few times I dipped my bite of chicken in the guacamole, mainly just for the flavor.

As I was sitting there, eating great food, I felt uneasy and at a loss.  I don't understand this.  I was eating normal foods.  In fact for years I've been eating the exact same chicken fajitas.  I didn't even miss the tortilla tonight as it's not an approved food yet.  I was enjoying the food and the company but yet... there was a nagging feeling of uneasiness and weirdness.

Can anyone help me identify was it was I was feeling?  Was I feeling strange because I wasn't overeating or gorging myself?  Was it because I was focused on counting how many times I chewed each bite?  Was it because I was aware for the first time in my life exactly what I was doing regarding food?

I don't think I can get into your brain to know what that feeling was all about. But all of this is so new. Honestly, I think you are brave to have done your first soft foods out of the house. I was so cautious and scared about every bit. I feel like with every bite I'm just waiting for the floor to drop out beneath me. Like somehow I'm not doing this right or cheating, even when I'm not.

I've been on soft foods a little over two weeks now. We have gone out to eat twice and I was so cautious and scared about my choices. But it did feel really good to be in control and to NOT make back choices.

I am surprised that chicken was considered soft foods.  I know fish is ok, but chicken?  Since that is one of the things people have trouble with I am shocked by this. 

Every time I try something knew I have a sense of dread that something will go wrong.  Perhaps thats what the uneasy feeling is/was?

I'm surprised that chicken, green peppers and onions are considered soft foods - I didn't eat any of those things until I was some time out ...   Certainly would not have done it in a public place just in case!

I still have a hard time with chicken and green peppers some times ... 

I spoke with my nutritionist about it and she said fajitas were okay, just to make sure I chewed, chewed, chewed.  Thirty times mininum, which I did with each bite.  The peppers and onions are allowed as long as they were super soft and mushy.  I'm allowed to eat veggies as long as they are over cooked (except for stringy or tuberous like celery, broccoli, etc.).

Regarding eating out for my first meal, I wasn't too worried about it as far as whether I could handle the foods or not.  This place is very close to home, in case I wasn't feeling well, and we could have dashed out of the pretty quickly and gotten home.  I took my time after each bite, listening to my stomach and letting it make the decision whether to take another bite.

I know that none of you can get inside my head, but I was hoping that someone would share their experiences and maybe I'd be able to identify with them and figure out what it was I was feeling.

I thought we were sharing our experiences ...   They might not have been what you wanted to hear, but it doesn't mean they are invalid!

I never said that anyone's experiences were invalid!  I was just trying to clarify what it was I was looking for!  I apologize if my response upset you.

I don't think anyone can know what your uneasiness was about (since even YOU don't), but I can offer two possible reasons for you to consider and see if they "fit".

Since this was your first soft food meal (I was also allowed very moist chicken very early out, BTW, even though it is not included so early by many surgeons), there may have been some anxiety about starting to eat again. Some people are very reluctant to start real food after surgery because no one gains weight on just liquids or purées, but real food means having to venture back into the realm of normal foods and having to make choices that won't sabotage the weight loss. I had a client who did not have WLS but was on a medically supervised VLC diet and refused to go off of it (and was losing too much) because of this fear. The fact that you were eating the same foods that you ate before surgery (and were obese) -- even if those particular foods were relatively healthy chocies (although they sometimes use a lot of oil to cook fajitas) -- might contribute to that fear and would fit this scenario.

The other possibility that comes to mind is that there might be some uneasiness about how your pouch will react to foods or just about how the whole eating aspect of your life is now changed. (I personally would NOT have had my first soft food meal at a restaraunt for fear of becoming ill. I never had any new food someplace other than home, just in case. You never know what might upset your new digestive system!).

LOLLora

 I'll toss out a possibility.
Maybe it was a faint sense of loss, at the reality of having permanently left behind a relationship with food that on some level had always been there, whenever you wanted it. You may have come face to face with the fact that you would never be able to eat exactly the same way again, even eating the same foods, in the same company, and that this decision, unlike diets of the past, was irrevocable. With a surgeon's scalpel, you had given the simple "choice" aspect of being on a diet away, and it was not ever going to be an easy option again.
Sure, you could try to get around it, people actually do find ways to defeat their WLS, it's not that uncommon, but now your consequences would be both more immediate and intense if you did. Game change.

So, I'm obviously projecting a bit from my own experiences and emotions at that stage, but I did absolutely go through some strangely mixed feelings at unpredictable moments, and for me it was very much about some sense that I had burnt some bridges, and that that felt rather alarming, even knowing that those bridges only led back to places I didn't want to be. The difference between "won't go back" and "can't go back" left me feeling very naked and vulnerable...

Or not. As I mentioned, that's me. But the timing is similar, which is why I was thinking you might be feeling something like I was at odd moments.

Koko, I think you nailed it!  I totally relate to the naked and vulnerable feeling, I'm sure that's what I was feeling.  Everything you said fits perfectly, and hopefully I will be able to move beyond these feelings.