triggering defensiveness in others, without even trying

So today was my first "dry run" at telling people I am having the surgery (outside of my immediate family). I went in to my PCP's office to have the EKG done and remaining labs drawn. I saw a different doc than my primary. His response was polite but distant, almost curious, but pleasant nonetheless. The lady in the lab, however...She is a larger woman, probably at a BMI higher than mine. She asked me a bunch of questions and after each one would relate back to herself. Statements she made: 

• "But you're not a BIG girl" Uh, yes I am. If I had not been working with the doc on weight loss for the past x years, my BMI would be well over 40. (it's at 37.5 today).
• "I'm too old" to do that." Well, I have seen some folks on the lists I am on are well into their 60's when they have the surgery.
• "I have worked in healthcare all my life and know too much about postop stuff." Oh, well, ok...

Here's the thing. I didn't say a thing about her weight, her health, or her lifestyle. I answered her questions honestly and from my perspective. But yet, she was defensive.

Do I need to get used to this?

Probably my biggest response (I am guessing) is going to be, "but you're not THAT big".  Perhaps I need to practice the response, "Thanks for your perspective that I carry it well, but I need to do this to stave off certain health problems."

You're generous because that's a bunch more than I would say.

Yes, you do need to get used to defensiveness though. People will take your healthy eating as a condemnation of their unhealthy eating, your shrinking clothing size as a criticism of their clothing size. We are human. We do that. So you have to sort of roll your eyes. And of course come here and snark!

Yes, some folks will self reflect. I let them off the hook easily, and it saves us both time and trouble. I simply say, WLS isn't for everyone. Try to remind yourself that you don't need to justify, or sell this to anyone and you might better handle these situations.

Kat

Are you kiddin? I've had to get used to that in LIFE. It's just how people are. They internalize so much and get caught up in their own issues and projections when it has nothing to do with them and the result is a reactionary response where you're just speaking to their ego, not the person anymore. (Ego absolutely isn't limited to the self-centered!) Some people, you can hardly talk to them at all. Especially about stuff that strikes a nerve with them. When I'm in that place with someone, I just step back and say something like the response you wrote. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is very common with me. "That's an interesting view, but..." is another. They're in defensive mode, all you can do is diffuse the situation and give their ego no recourse for response unless it's just really looking for a fight.

I can't tell you about the defensiveness because I am pre-op still, and everyone I've talked to has either been super supportive, or I've ignored them and can't remember what they said.  No one's opinion but mine about me having surgery matters, so if their opinion isn't the same as mine, I conveniently don't hear it.   :)

But, there is a group on OH that is for "lightweights."  We accept all sizes but are geared towards those who have WLS and whose BMIs were 35-40.  Come join us to hear other instances of people saying that you aren't that BIG.

Sometimes I think I'm actually oblivious to these sorts of remarks because I, seriously, do not really take offense to them.

I generally feel that people are not intentionally putting me down, but rather sharing their concerns for me.

I barely made the benchmark for weight loss surgery, which was 100 pounds overweight, and I can tell you I had several people that I know are my friends and who care about me ask if I really needed to have the surgery.  Their concern was not based upon the surgery, but rather whether I would make it through the surgery.

They loved me the way I was and did not want me to put myself into harms way.  Were they ignorant?  Possibly, but I think their concern came from the right place if this makes sense.

I know what you mean. I only needed to lose 104 pounds so i was a lightweight. I had people say the "you're not that big" comment too and my brother really got pissed about the surgery. He was concerned I would die but the way I see it is that I would eventually die from health problems if I didn't have the surgery so I decided to take the risk. I know he was concerned but it still bothers me to this day that he was against my rny. It bothers me because he won't even sit still long enough for me to explain that it was medically necessary. Losing the weight was the only way I'd ever be able to have children in the future (I have PCOS). Also, diabetes runs in my family--I wanted to prevent that from affecting me. I wish some people were more understanding. I didn't just do this to lose weight and get skinny, I did this for my health. I want to not only have children one day but be healthy enough to be there for them. My brother may never understand but at least his concern was from the heart and not a jealousy issue.