First real test since surgery....I've failed! Death of a friend

Today, a dear friend's husband died.  He, too, was a good friend for many years...a very kind, patient man who was in his mid 50's.  Far too early for him to go. 
Their daughter is my Godchild, my daughter's best friend, and she was with her daddy when he died. 
After we received the call, I started eating.  It was always my method of coping with extremely stressful situations and it just came back, without a thought.  I ate sweet peppers stuffed with cream cheese...not bad.  Then, as I drove to their home, I ate nearly an entire bag of pistachios...mindless crunching.  On the way home, my daughter and I stopped by Taco Bell.  I had a bean and beef burrito (eating only the inside), and the meat and cheese from the inside of a regular taco.  Later tonight, I had the inside of another taco with extra shredded cheese and a dollop of Greek yogurt added.  I had some sugar free jello, about 4 whole grain crackers with peanut butter, and a protein beef pasta soup. 
I feel so nauseous, it's not funny.  Of course, since I was told that my friend died I've been nauseous.  I don't know if it's from all the eating, or just sadness. 
As I type this, I'm thinking about what I can eat next!!  Crazy! 
I have tried to make good choices, but my problem is that I am consciously making the decision to overeat!  WTH is my problem?? 
I thought after the last time I kept eating and eating, that I'd learned a lesson and was over this silliness! 

Janet

P.S.  Please pray or send good thoughts/vibes to my friend and her family...they are in such pain. 

I am so sorry that you've lost a friend.  It's never easy and no one grieves perfectly, only you can decide the best way to handle it.  I hope that you find a way to cope that is constructive and healthy and that doesn't ruin all of your hard work.  I hope you find comfort in knowing that his kindness and patience will live on in the hearts of you and all those who loved him and remember him fondly.

Hi, Janet!

My condolences on the loss of your friend. You're having to deal with the shock of his passing, your own grief and some burden of support for your friend's family, I'm guessing. That's a lot to get laid on you at one time. No wonder you want to cushion the blow with food! I guess you're not one who dumps.

I don't know what to say about the compulsive eating except to remember that the damage you do to yourself will not help your friend at all. It's such a horrible situation, but you have our prayers for strength for you!

Angie in Missouri, US

305(h)++++++++351(c)+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++200(g)

I'm so sorry you lost your friend :(  But I don't think that you should look at this as a failure. Yes, you may be mindless munching....but instead of ignoring it & continuing, or worse, "giving yourself a free pass" to eat whatever you'd like..... you recognized what you're doing and came on here for help !!

Excellent advice IMO.

I know exactly how u feel ..i to had a very dear friend die back in Nov. 27,2012  I kinda lost my way

i have been eating things i shouldnt be eating have gained 13 pounds back NOT HAPPY WITH MYSELF

plus now i take care of my mother after i get off work ..which isnt easy either...IM just STRESSED OUT

Trying to find my way back ...Going to back to support group meeting today ....I havent failed just got off track

We are only human!  forgive yourself the emotional eating and try to get back on track.  If you cant fight the urge to snack, try having lots of fruit and veggies around.

I understand how your feeling.  My mother passed  away a few months ago.

 

Sorry for your friend's passing. Acknowledging what you did about the mindless eating is a good thing. You came here for support and help. I hope you feel encouraged not to let this situation of overeating spiral out of control and give you a pass. Forgive yourself and focus on truly grieving. Learn how to do it without food. It is easy to fall back into old habit in times of stress. Celebrate your friend's life by living yours the best you can.    

Thank you all so very much. 
I've been unable to sleep, so it's given me much time to think...and remember such good times that my friends, Dave and Sheila, and I had in the past.  Last night, for my daughter, Sheila, and her daughter (my Godchild), I felt it was important for me to be "strong".  Honestly, I am not sure that that was any help for any of us?  After my daughter went to sleep, I stopped eating, and posted this message, I cried.  Seriously cried!  Am still crying. I have no desire to eat now, and know that if I continue to do so, I'm not helping anyone. In fact, I'm setting a terrible example for my daughter as to how to deal with stress and grief. 
So, I'm pulling up my bootstraps, letting her see my cry, and helping my friends as much as possible.
Again, thank you all.  I don't know what I'd do, sometimes, without OH.  At first, I kinda thought it was silly to "vent" or post in here.  But, in a way, it's like we are a huge family...all connected in some way, and I feel comfortable posting.  Today, I feel "comforted". 

Janet
 

See, you have not failed at all! You have figured out how to handle this situation that is terrible and emotional and throws everything in life out of whack. Its not the time to judge the success or failure of your actions, its a time to grieve and allow yourself grace for making emotional decisions you might not otherwise make. I think "strong" is such a great word - it can be your motto for this time - every time you want to eat something, ask yourself if it will make you strong and help you to help your daughter and your friends. Hopefully remembering how crappy it made you feel yesterday will help you to say no and make a more positive choice, something nourishing for your body AND soul (which may mean finding something non-food related for comfort in that moment). I have issues with emotional eating/compulsive eating as well so I understand how difficult it can be to make the choice to walk away. Give yourself permission throughout this process to have some of those foods that truly bring you comfort, in moderation (as long as they aren't things that make you sick, of course) once in awhile. Completely depriving yourself can backfire as well and send you into a type of binge.

I pray for you, your family, and your friends during this extremely difficult time. We are here if you need us!

Amy