spousal support

steppy1980
on 4/14/15 3:08 am

Did anyone else have issues with their significant other being unsupportive.  My husband has told me that I put the weight on like a big girl and I should loose it like a big girl.  He is the only person in my family that is not supportive of me and my quest for a healthier life.  I am baffled by this and just curious if anyone has any general insight.

Triksy
on 4/14/15 7:19 am
RNY on 05/20/15

I don't have this problem, my SO is very supportive. I'm so sorry your having to deal with this while also going through this difficult process. I would suggest maybe counseling to find out what the issue is. I know a lot of marriages struggle during this time and I'm sure there will be others who can offer better advice.

 

Just remember ultimately you have to do what you feel is best for you, no matter what others think.

  

HW- 380     SW-350     CW-358

The Salty Hag
on 4/14/15 7:25 am
RNY on 05/20/13

His comments could be him just being afraid of losing you, but of course...he needs to put on his big boy panties and realize that Wls is a GOOD thing, and it's not the "baby" way out. We still have to watch what we eat and how much we eat...and we have to take many more vitamins and supplements than people who haven't had Wls. This isn't easy!!! It requires a LIFETIME commitment. 

My hubby was supportive. He took a week off of work to take care of me. He's happy that I'm happy. Our relationship hasn't changed in any negative way. 

I hope your husband comes around. 

I woke up in between a memory and a dream...

Tom Petty

christinerocks
on 4/14/15 7:30 am, edited 4/14/15 7:31 am - AZ
RNY on 04/06/15

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Like Triksy, my SO is super supportive - now. Initially my husband didn't get it and just kept saying, but you just need to eat less and exercise more, etc. But I kept moving forward, and we just kept talking about it during the 3 month required prep program.  I helped him learn about the surgery, what it does, and why it is uniquely effective. I also told him about my feelings and about the limitations of my life as a morbidly obese person. He's naturally very thin, I had never talked about my feelings, and we both had a lot to learn from each other.  I listened to his concerns and helped him find answers to all his questions.  By surgery day he was my biggest supporter - and very knowledgable about the process.  

I agree that you need to do what is right for YOU.  It is your body and your choice.  Your husband may not understand why surgery is a unique tool for us to use in this battle.  He may have some fears that are unexpressed.  I hope you'll just continue forward anyway - sounds like you have a lot of support from your family so, he may yet come around. Good luck. 

________

137 pounds lost - from a 24/26W to a size 8/10!

 

(deactivated member)
on 4/14/15 7:47 am
RNY on 05/04/15

When I was planning VSG back in 2012, my husband was initially on the fence, but then he started bringing it up to use as ammunition in other arguments -- during one fight about finances, he accused me of spending all our money (since I was self-pay) on "a cosmetic surgery." I left for a hotel that night. That one comment almost ruined our marriage.

He apologized (profusely), and as time went on, he got more supportive. We watched a documentary on the SMO, and I think the statistic that < 5% of the MO can keep weight off long-term without surgery really struck a chord in him. Then some other health problems prevented me from going forward with WLS, but once those resolved, I had a new job with insurance that covered WLS after a 2-year waiting period, so here I am again. The good news is that he's gotten so much on board now that he's having VSG a week after I have RNY next month! Sometimes I think it just takes spouses time and education to get on board. The key is whether they're willing to learn, and ultimately if they can support you doing what you need to do for your health.

Gwen M.
on 4/14/15 7:51 am
VSG on 03/13/14

Wow.  That's a pretty condescending and horrible thing for him to say.  Have you called him on this?  Have you asked him why he feels that way?  Why he thinks that he has control over your body and how you do/don't lose weight?  

I would suggest that the two of you see a counselor together and try to get to the bottom of why he feels these things.  

VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)

Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170

TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)

MickeyDee
on 4/14/15 10:00 am

It seems as if our SO's don't know how difficult it is to lose and maintain a weight loss.  They've seen us go on diet after diet, only to fail and regain, again and again.  Now WLS, which must seem like another big waste of time and money.  

Go to Sciencedaily dot com and key in the search for obesity and weight loss surgery, have him read the big time studies which prove how it works for us and makes our lives so much better.  It's not all in our heads (or on our waistline), and it does work.

 

SkinnyScientist
on 4/15/15 5:24 am

or have him read the posts of vets.

I cant believe how much better my life has improved in almost everyway in the 1.4 years post op. And I was very outspoken when MO. I always worked hard and tried not to put up with crap. I purposedly tried to not have my weight limit my activities and hobbies and such.

But after surgery and having successful weight loss, I had even MORE success in other avenues of my life. It is weird, but it almost like success begets success, happiness begets happiness, physical fitness begets improved fitness.

There is something in the whole process that is almost magical and exponential in positive outcomes. I wish I could identify the variable, isolate it, study it, and apply it elsewhere. But it just seems to be a snowball of improved/good results.

RNY Surgery: 12/31/2013; 

Current weight (2/27/2015) 139lbs, ~14% body fat

Three pounds below Goal!!! Yay !  

MickeyDee
on 4/15/15 6:57 am

SO VERY TRUE!

I know that when I first accidently found OH, it was an entirely new world for me, and gave me hope that I'd lost due to my M.O.  

The OP must do what is right for her and her health and her family.

If her DH doesn't like the New Her, he'll either stay or go, but that will be his decision.

SkinnyScientist
on 4/15/15 9:25 pm

 It will be BOTH their decision!

As for me, my first year post op, I lived by myself. I do not know what I would have done with hubby's and kids eating "forbidden foods' (due to my PCOS..and trigger foods)  in front of me.  I had to white knuckle my way through lots of desires for crackers (especially cheez its and goldfish)  and popcorn and chocolate covered pretzels.  I didnt have these in teh house. I may not have made it thru the moment if they HAD been in the house.

 

My husband is diabetic so his diet is very restricted. So having him here really isnt a problem unless the voices in my head tell me to eat his pasta or rice.  I am truly carb addicted because to me, a great meal would be a bowl of white rice with pesto on it.  Weird, I know.

 

Anyway, hubby and I occaisionally sit down and when having a dessert of strawberries we will sometimes say things like "I miss chocolate cake"  . Our restrictive diets and other health issues put us in the same foxhole, so to speak.

 

 

RNY Surgery: 12/31/2013; 

Current weight (2/27/2015) 139lbs, ~14% body fat

Three pounds below Goal!!! Yay !  

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