My Husband is Acting 9 Kinds of Crazy - Help!

A little history, my husband was never supportive of my decision to have surgery. He didn't show up at the hospital before or after surgery and didn't take me home.

For the past several months I have had my challenges keeping his insecurities in check. I am constantly reassuring him that I want to be in the marriage and that I am not going anywhere. He is an alcoholic and has always been verbally mean our entire marriage. Often when he drinks he gets into screaming fits and tells me that I am a bit**, that I don't want him anymore, that I am going to leave him and several other nasty things that have never once came out of my mouth.

On occasions when he doesn't get his way or his expectations aren't met he is very very mean and says things I would never repeat and they are about my character (which I don't take lightly). I am so exhausted from bending over backwards to reassure him and keeping the happy balance in our home for our children, it is wearing me out.

My question is to anyone else who has gone through this. What advice would you give me?Obviously me saying I am staying and my reassurance isn't working. What should I do, he is driving me crazy. I am the same person, acting the same way nothing has changed with me.

Congrats on reaching ur goal weight..

 I am not in this situation but the knee jerk reaction is to set some clear boundaries and check what you are doing to see if you are inadvertantly giving him permission so to speak to treat you this way.  Don't try to rationalize with him when he has been drinking, that is likely pointless.  Keep it to actions, not personal attacks.  Don't dredge up the past- focus on specific current behavior.  

This sucks for you and especially for your kids.

On a happy note, you made it to goal with a very shaky support network and that is to be commended!  You are a goddess!

an alcoholic that is continually disrespectful? I can understand staying with a drunk...to an extent.... but thats where my sympathies stop...
YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST to see WTF you put up with his demeaning behavior... I mean why would you WANT to be in a marriage with not only an alcoholic, which is bad enough if he isnt recovering.... but one that treats you like crap

Of course he is insecure...because he liked ya big fat & dependent on his empotional output, no matter how negative that it is... he is obviously thinking that now that you are losing weight, you MAY become attractive to someone else ( gasp!)

Girl, please... pray he gts help....giving him an ultimatum wont work...just move on but dont forget, you obviously need some therapy yourself...

good luck

I have to say that I STRONGLY agree with Vogue on this one. You deserve better, and it has nothing to do with weight loss. With or without surgery, No one should have to put up with being treated that way.

As far as staying together for the kids, allow me to say that as a child of divorce in a verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative marriage (mom was the aggressor), my life VASTLY improved after the divorce. It brought some peace and stability where there had previously been chaos. Just my own experience. 

Somayeh

I wouldn't put up with any of that crap.  Having insecurities is one thing.....verbal abuse is something entirely different.  Real men don't do that.

I will also say from past experience that staying in a bad marriage "for the children" is rarely a good idea.  They end up getting a skewed idea of what relationships are supposed to be and just end up in a stressed environment with neither parent happy.  Better to be apart.

My advice....get out while you can.  You deserve to be happy.

I would imagine you are in a position where you feel that if you do what you might want and need to do--leave the relationship--he will claim he was right all along, and you had your surgery just so you could leave him and get another man.

I have no advice, but I do have a couple of questions.  How does his behaviour impact your children? Is his influence and impact on them so positive that you want to keep him around for their sake?

Are you comfortable letting his opinion of you determine what you do?  Clearly you had the surgery anyway. 

I think you need conseling to help you make some decisions for the sake of your future and your kids and even your husband.  (See, I did tell you what to do after all.)

Having been on his side of that coin, there is not much more you can do. He 's the only one that can change how he feels about any of this. I too was that way when my ex-husband (what does that tell ya) had the gastric bypass. I explained to him that once this happened he would be changing and people around him would change the way the interact with him, especially the women. Well he let it all go to his head, I got jealous and we separated and then divorced after about a year. I was never verbally abusive or anything like that but I know how he feels. Only I could change my thinking and you can't do that for him either. So the choice is now up to you....do you stay and keep taking the verbal abuse or do you make what he says you're going to do come true? Only you can  decide on how best to make yourself happy..no one can tell you. All we can do here is give you a tool (if you want to call it that) to use to make a decision that is completely yours.
I will be praying for you and your family and that the outcome is a good one...either way it goes.

And congrats on making your goal...all that hard work is paying off.

I grew up in a family like yours, and I have to tell you that my life improved considerably after Mum finally left the marriage and took us with her. Kids aren't dumb, and they know a lot more about what's going on than you think. Life in a calm single parent home is SO much better than in the midst of constant abuse.

I'd be telling him, when he's sober, that although you WANT to stay, his behavior is pushing you toward the door. If he wants the marriage to continue, you both start counseling NOW.

One thing to think about - is this the kind of marriage you want your children to have? If not, do something to change what they are learning is normal in a marriage. (clue - NOT what you're living right now)

On July 6, 2012 at 9:38 AM Pacific Time, SkinnyJeansSoon wrote:

A little history, my husband was never supportive of my decision to have surgery. He didn't show up at the hospital before or after surgery and didn't take me home.

For the past several months I have had my challenges keeping his insecurities in check. I am constantly reassuring him that I want to be in the marriage and that I am not going anywhere. He is an alcoholic and has always been verbally mean our entire marriage. Often when he drinks he gets into screaming fits and tells me that I am a bit**, that I don't want him anymore, that I am going to leave him and several other nasty things that have never once came out of my mouth.

On occasions when he doesn't get his way or his expectations aren't met he is very very mean and says things I would never repeat and they are about my character (which I don't take lightly). I am so exhausted from bending over backwards to reassure him and keeping the happy balance in our home for our children, it is wearing me out.

My question is to anyone else who has gone through this. What advice would you give me?Obviously me saying I am staying and my reassurance isn't working. What should I do, he is driving me crazy. I am the same person, acting the same way nothing has changed with me.

First off, this is NOT NEW behavior. This is old hat, and you're tired of it. There is no solution for YOU to "fix it" he's an abusive alcoholic and you've tolerated this behavior and allowed him to treat you and your children this way for however long. You can't expect him to change. You're the one who has to make the change if you want a better life.

I've never been one to take on the job/responsibility to stroke a man's ego, or reassure him constantly.

You see, I believe he's projecting his issues onto you, he's an abusive alcoholic and for whatever reason you are choosing to stay.

I'd pack my **** and get out. When you decide you deserve better, you'll do the same thing.

You're children are NOT stupid. They see if this behavior and are learning this is not only "ok" but this is what love and marriage is supposed to be. I'm really sorry to be harsh, but if you can't find the backbone to do better for yourself, AT LEAST do it for your children.

Coming from an adult child of divorced parents who "hung on" for 23 year, and put three kids through hell because of booze and dope, physical and emotional abuse towards my mother who was "staying for the kids", let me tell you, I would have rather done without stuff, lived under a bridge with my mother than have to witness the abuse my mother tolerated for years upon years and I'm eternally grateful that I learned that "love and marriage" was NOT really as it appeared my entire childhood.