feeling like I failed my tool

I never wanted to see myself this way. I had my vsg in june of 2012.  I was focused on my work and weight. I lost over 100 pounds. And then stress from family and life over ran my life. Losing my job, moving in with family with your husband and 2 children,  youngest son having medical conditions (still continues... open heart surgery this summer for 3 year old).  New job working from home... life just got so jumbled. And I lost focus. I stopped thinking about me and grabbed that cheese burger... and grabbed the burrito from taco bell in haste...  and oh well that Starbucks drink wasn't that bad for me.. blah  and now I am miserable with myself. I am trying to get back on track and gained 5 pounds! !!

I packed up the scale for how because I started stressing even more. When I didn't lose enough weight I got mad and wondered what I did wrong and thought f it and ate an ice cream since I wasn't losing the weight anyway... a vicious cycle. 

So my scale is packed up for another month and I am going off of clothing fit. And I know that I am wearing pants that were comfortable last March ...but couldn't fit in january.... but can wear now (albeit not as good as a year ago).  

But I could really use the support and help. In all honesty I feel myself sinking when my husband makes comments about why I am big again and how I never really got small... it makes me feel horrible and wonder why I even try. I need to get out of that mind frame and healthy mindset again. 

So I have never achieved my goal. I want to get below 200... I never reached wonderland and I really really NEED to, for me.  I need that advice and push from others that have been there and know the struggle... I guess I just want someone to notice the actual effort given even though it doesn't always seem like it is being put forth. 

Sorry if this is all over the place. I have been debating coming here and posting again for a while but realized that this is where I could find the most support from those in the same path ad myself. 

where all human and stuff happens don't beat yourself up

 just get back on plan and you will loose it again that is the beauty of the sleeve it never stops working

Thank you. I have this fear that I have stretched my stomach back and everything was for nothing. 

First, I'm sorry you are going through so much I know that it's taken a toll on you.  Second, take a deep breath and relax things will get better.  I'm not going to tell you "you know what to do just go back on plan" you already know that.  Why don't you just start with baby steps.  For instance, when having that cheeseburger, don't have the bun just the meat and cheese, burrito just eat the insides.  You're under a lot of stress and as most of us we are stress eaters, that's why I am saying take baby steps.  You need to do this for you and for your child who needs heart surgery.  Your son is going to need his mom and what better mom than one that is healthy and can deal with his health issues without having to eat foods that are not good for you.

I am almost 5 years out (March 16, 2010, October 2010 I was told I had breast cancer for the second time) but that didn't stop me from losing and getting to my goal. I've gained 20 lbs in the last year from stress (moving to a different area, job issues), and am in the process of working on losing that.  Is it easy? No, but I dont' want to be where I was before.  If I don't buy it, I won't eat it and that is my mind set now.  I know you have a family and need to buy snacks, and foods that we shouldn't be eating, but keep that goal in your head.  Ask yourself, how badly do I want to be under 200?  When the stress gets to you, if you can go for a walk clear your head. Buy healthy snacks for yourself so you don't feel deprived.  Keep your journal of what you are eating if you don't already. 

I wish you all the best and you can always write to me here if you need to.

Best,  toni

Very stressful time in your life.  Please try and be kind to yourself.  I agree with Toni work on one change at a time. This will hopefully stop the gain.  I have issues with the scale defining me as well.   Good that you put it away.  In terms of your husband that is a hard one.  We know shaming you will only make you feel worse.  Maybe you could have a talk with him and ask for his support instead.  I post on the BOTT and commit my food and discuss solutions.  What I have been doing lately when I think I need food and am not physically hungry is asking myslef what my need is.  That doesn't always mean that it can be met, but the very act of givng pause and realizing that I have a need that has nothing to do with food helps.  Your sleeve is still there and works.  You have gone a little off course, but you have not failed as you have come here knowing you need support. Stay connected.

Thank you!   I know that stress is a past of life and I need to handle it better... you are right,  I know what to say and what I should be doing. But when the times get tough there was always food there "for me" so to speak .. it is time to let it go...

"If I don't buy it, I won't eat it"  

Such a simple observation, and yet such a powerful practice I've yet to learn... 

I really need to live that way!

Ashley, I'm so sorry that you are going through difficult times, and I fully understand eating under stress.  It's such a vicious cycle - get stressed, eat over it, feel more stressed, eat over it and so on.  It is so hard to break that cycle, and I feel for you.  If you can take the small steps that someone suggested, building on them daily, it will help.  Having lived through some stressful periods, without turning to food, I realized that I could get through those times better, in the end of it, though it may not have felt that way at the time.  When the stressful situation eased, I didn't have the stress of having fallen back into bad habits with food.  Try to keep healthy snacks with you, so when you're on the run, you can eat a protein bar, a few nuts, etc., instead of going through the drive-thru.  Each food victory you have will build on the next.  When the urge to eat strikes, try having a satisfying beverage instead - a cup of tea, coffee with a little hot chocolate added, sugar free lemonade - whatever is your favorite.  As you need to wait after drinking to eat, it may give you the time to let the urge pass.  Keep coming here as often as you can, as this is one of your tools.  We will all be pulling for you!  Hugs!   Mary

Thank you. I am going to start getting back on mfp to track food and keep accountable. I am so bad with water and need to drink it... that will help with snacking 

I was thinking about the scale last night.   I have never packed my scale away and then weighed less when I got it out again.  I have weighed myself everyday since surgery in 2007.  The only time I put the scale away was in the summer of 2010 when I felt I did not need the stress of watching it.  In September, I was up twelve pounds.

I have never gotten all of that back off.  I weigh every day and it actually keeps my stress down because I am not justifying or denying.  Yesterday my clothes were tight.  Today the scale was the same as yesterday morning, so my clothes were just lying to me. 

Weight loss surgery is ultimately about weight loss.  The scale keeps me out of denial.  Watching it go down is immediate gratification for keeping my eating under control.  The scale is a powerful tool, think hard about giving that tool up.