I think I'm getting real now..

Apr 13, 2011

I'm going in for surgery soon, and I watch you-tube WLS people, and I read these post,  as many people as I can, to see if this is something I can handle.  The life style change.  Your guys are incredible and brave, and I thank you, for sharing your stories.. 

I'm stuck now,  between a me, I don't like, and fear of being who I really want to be.  I expect a lot, I have big demands on the people around me, and I don't live up to my own standards anymore..  My dream me, is pretty big shoes to fill.  It's easy for me to sit around and say, if I, poor me, I can't do it.. This weight is a good excuse to fall short. 

I want to make it happen, I want to be the one in that boating picture, or on top that mountain with the cool backpack and hiking stick, river boating, and all that stuff..  I'm just so scared of change..

I hate driving in fear of getting lost, so I will only go where I have been a thousand times.  Even if I have a cell phone and a map, I will not do it.. I have to have another person with me the whole time that knows the way.  I am scared frozen, from lighting strikes, storms, I'm not going to sit outside and watch it, no way..  I am just a fear filled person.. I've never been anything but a pretty face.. I don't know how I will be in a different body..  I have been hit on, and never had a problem with men liking me, at some of my bigger sizes.  I am not happy with gawking men, I fear predators bad..  I was bothered by men growing up, and in my young life, and I feel ok being fat.. I like being just the pretty face.  Most men don't take a second look..  I didn't like the attention before, when I was better looking, I don't think that will change.  So not looking fw to that end of it.

I just want to be active, and trying all the fun stuff out, that I want with my husband. I have to be thinner, and be able to keep up. I do love to look great and sexy for him, I always love his attentions he gives me..  My husband is terrific.  He is able to do anything he wants, I'm not, and I'd like to be.. 

I so desperately need this surgery, to start over a new life.. A new me, I want to get out of this rut.. So I am forcing it, by serious change.  Something I can't get out of, because I know I will try, if it was just a diet.  I would stop and go back to doing what makes me feel good..   Hiding in my fantasy world, but that isn't healthy, and it isn't a real life.. I know that once I get to where I want to be, I will adjust and become happy in that life.  This is just fear, and how is the best way to get over fear?  by doing what your afraid of..
It's like, I don't want to change, but I know it's best for me, and instead of just letting me keep getting away with this crap, I'm going to be my own best friend, and do what is right, right for me, and my family..  BY just jumping in and getting wet..

I know exactly how easy it would be to change.. I know exactly what to do..  I have tried to do what should be easy, a regular diet has faults.  My mind can't believe in them again. I can't stick to the diet, because I know it will get my hopes up, and it will let me down.  This surgery, I have seen that it's really does work, I have faith in it..  It works for everyone that uses it right. I've seen it work for those that don't use it a 100% right, cheaters.  I'm not an abuser,  if I'm given instructions on how to use it, I will follow them.. I'm def a manual reader..  I live by the laws.  I hate breaking rules..

I'm glad my time has come, and I can have this done, I've known this was the way, a long time.. First this step, then I will tackle my other fears..  I love Jesus, and I know I can do all things threw him.  He is leading me to this, he has given me friends, to watch and to hold my hands, that are on this journey with me.. I am not alone, and I feel good about this.. So I have every faith that this will be a turning point in my life..  I do need therapy on dealing with my fears, for other things..  So I should seek that to.


I mean really, Who in the Heck wants to do this? (People that have to, "is who", and can't no other way)..  I want to be who you are reading this, that has already done it, and who likes shopping now, and who likes living life again.. Who doesn't mind trading in eating large meals, for smaller better ones, to live "life better, fuller".. 
And Cherise, I need school too, another fear..  :)
see ya..

1 Comment