"Coming Out"

Oct 02, 2010

    I have talked about in my blog about having my reversal and also having both severe physical and emotional struggles since my bypass. What I have not mentioned was my suicide attempt in 8-2008 because by then I was so severely physically and emotionally incapicated for 4 years by then I could no longer function. I gave up custody of my kids to my parents and took and ungodly amount of narcotics hoping I would go unconcious, have a heart attack and die. The only reason why I am still here to write about it is because I malabsorb things so greatly I can't take enough drugs if I want to peacefully o'd to die, which is good because even though I am in more physical pain then ever, and I have been since my suicide attempt dianosed with bipolar 2 and I have severe manic depression, I have gotten progressively sicker and because I still malabsorb and metabolize medications so bizarrely, it's very hard to control my physical and emotional pain.
           I decided to start "coming out" publically talking about my suicide attempt on the internet because I have a FB friend and a popular OH member who got nailed when posting an article about the increased risk of suicide in those post wls. Preops and newbies, understandable don't want to hear the bad stuff, but you know what, YOU NEED TO.... 
             For those when that article got posted on here, and gave Beth a hard time, others have started to admit their emotional struggles. In my case at the time I started getting sick, I had gone from 2 1/2 years post op to being a 9/10 and started a love of exercise, I could eat pretty much what I wanted, was able to get extremely physically fit and was able to control depression with exercise and was a size 4-6 , I no longer had to push the envelop with eating, as I had out ate the effectivenss of my rny a long time ago, and I no longer ate as a coping mechanism. I had started planning on launching my own business as a Certified Personal Trainer who wanted to specialize in Bariatrics and be a Bariatric Motivational Coach. Even when I was thin, I was struggled with how fat phobic our society was, especially I find it repugnant the fat phobia that goes on here with those who are formerly fat. I wasn't planning on trying to sell being thin to people, I did find and thought it could help others, to exercise or do some form of concentrated movement.
              A lot of people do get really depressed after surgery, some of it because they lose their ability to eat as a coping mechanism that however wasn't my issue. Mine was my pain was progressively getting so bad physically that emotionally I started detoriating as well. By the time I got my certification in 2005 I was too sick to work. A year later I was applying for SSDI late 2006, 2007 I started really declining, and by the time 2008 hit I could no longer function and because I have 2 children I love more than anything I felt the best thing for everyone, including myself because I malabsorb and metabolize medications so poorly that everyone would be better off if I was dead. Not realizing that I malabsorb so great I couldn't take enough medications to kill myself I tried to o'd. I just wanted to die peacefully, I gave up custody of my kids, 8-2008 and tried to commit suicide, I nearly got committed to a state mental hospital instead I ended up in group homes for 15 months. 
            I spent the rest of 2008 and 2009 in group homes until I finally got back pay and I was able to move out on my own the first of this year. 2 weeks later I am back in the hospital again due to complications(my ulcers again). My hospitalization was so bad, that even though I was in so much physical pain this year, I didn't go back again until the beginning of this summer, which was good because my ulcers which are large and I grew more of them since January started to bleed. I had 3 hosp this summer before I was finally reversed 3 1/2 weeks ago. I been in the hospital now 15 times medically since my rny. While I had a history of depression and being eating disordered, I was not suicidal and I had no major psych diagnosies. 
               My situation is unique and its also not so unique. I had my surgery because we live in society that hates fat people and a lot of us internalize it and I thought it was the norm to hate me for that reason too. I have done everything I could to get thin, by the time I elected to have my gastric bypass. I had no comorbidities due to obesity, however they found a liver mass in the middle of  my liver that while non cancerous could have developed if it grew to burst and I could have internally bled to death. Now I have to worry about developing gi bleeds. I have conditions both prior (such as migraines) to surgery and now huge ulcers, reactive hypoglycemia,severe anemia,  fibro, complex/chronic pain syndrome and need to be tested for MS in addition to gaining 90 bs from 2007-2009). I have bipolar 2 and severe depression. I wasn't bipolar prior to my surgery, I think as well as my doctors that I transitioned to that because my emotional health got so bad. Even though I had a suicide attempt with narcotics, I am not considered cross addicted. I don't habitually use or abuse medication, only doing it when I was in a crisis state. However because I sitll malabsorb and metabolize meds so bizarrely that while most of weight gain was due to being on psych meds because they make you so food obsessed and I was on such a large quantity. 
             Will what happened to me happen to you. Most likely not. Are the chances of you coming out of a rny without any complications, no crossaddictions, and no moderate to major weight gain as a senior post op, NOT VERY LIKELY... This isn't being said because I wish anyone harm. its being said because the rose colored glasses need to come off in this community. Only very few people have wls 8+ years out have no complications, no cross addictions, have kept off the majority of their weight and do not have to spend all their time micromanaging their weight loss. Truth is people do lose lots of weight and keep it off without surgery. They aren't privy to anything more then we are for those of us who chose to have the surgery and it is difficult to lose weight either way. Too many people one way or the other are paying a higher price then they could have ever dreamed of, by having wls.If I would have known 9 years ago now, I would have never done this...There shouldn't be a size or weight requirement for self love and respect, and people of all sizes can be healthy. For those who do truly have Obesity related health issues there is a better and more safer way to lose weight then to surgically alter your digestive system...

0 Comments