A tangent about my tangents..

Oct 09, 2010

I am very frusturated right now. I am home a lot because of having high pain levels and not feeling well. The best way I find to distract myself but feel like I am doing something useful is by posting on different groups and forums I belong on in the internet. 
           I have always been very wordy. But as I get older and my complications keep growing, intellectually it's impaired me quite drastically. Especially on FB where I have friends who are bloggers, I see how they are able to effectively communicate. I don't have the ability to write anything that isn't unfortunately a minimum of 13,000 words long, has mispelling of words, my english usage overall is atrocious and is a huge factor in my ability to get across a message that might be helpful if it didn't make people's eyes bleed and their brains explode by trying to read and interpret it. If I don't say something the minute I think about it, I forget. I overly communicate, because somehow in my head, if I don't give a back story of the why's of I feel the way I do do about something, my reactions or behavior will make even less sense then my postings do. 
            I am getting to the point, where I don't want to say anything anymore. I don't want to antagonize friends on social network sites because it is too hard for other people to read what I write because it's so hard for me to effectively communicate my point. I have some memory issues, I had that tested 2 years ago, but my brain feels like a modem that has battery acid splotches. I taught myself how to read when I read before I was 2 years old. At the age of 5 I was reading dictionaries and encyclopedias. By the time I was in the 4th grade I had a college level vocabulary. 
             I need more testing, this I know. I know intuitively, something is very off with me, neurologically. It's been bad enough trying to deal and barely manage my physical and emotional disabilities. To be intellectually declining and disabled, because I am so limited as it is, to think of becoming even more disabled, is terrifying.  
           

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