Failure:(

Dec 29, 2012

Well the five day pouch worked, but I soon started eating my stress again...I have been to a psychiatrist and I am trying to find the right medication...its horrible. I am now up 30 I weigh 175. I refuse to buy new clothes. I just cant control my snacking. And to tell you the truth I am not consuming that much food. I have become addicted to starbucks coffee.  I can tolerate sugar and I have strayed from my skinny drinks and I have been drinking too many salted caramel mochas with nonfat milk...Im such a quitter. I will quit startbucks. I have a caffeine addiction.   I now know I need help. It sounds ridiculous but its true.  I literally have to have coffee. Before this surgery the smell made me sick.  I know if I could just commit to getting back on track I will. Its just this need to suffer. this Martyr complex I cant shake.  I feel like moving on and getting back on track is moving on with my life and my sister will never move again. 

I have been taking care of her estate and marker at the cemetery.  It has taken all my energy to do that and take care of my little family.  I have left out myself.  I stopped...caring about me..and its ironic because I KNOW no one will take care of me if I don't.  That hurts me. And I am resentful for it.  I have such a hatred for my parents...It is killing me. I blame them for my sister not knowing how to love herself.  And look I am knowingly not taking care of myself waiting for a rescue that will never come...its all in my hands. And lately, nothing is moving

0 Comments