Annalace

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moving those numbers one at a time in the right direction

 

Well the five day pouch worked, but I soon started eating my stress again...I have been to a psychiatrist and I am trying to find the right medication...its horrible. I am now up 30 I weigh 175. I refuse to buy new clothes. I just cant control my snacking. And to tell you the truth I am not consuming that much food. I have become addicted to starbucks coffee.  I can tolerate sugar and I have strayed from my skinny drinks and I have been drinking too many salted caramel mochas with nonfat milk...Im such a quitter. I will quit startbucks. I have a caffeine addiction.   I now know I need help. It sounds ridiculous but its true.  I literally have to have coffee. Before this surgery the smell made me sick.  I know if I could just commit to getting back on track I will. Its just this need to suffer. this Martyr complex I cant shake.  I feel like moving on and getting back on track is moving on with my life and my sister will never move again. 

 

I have been taking care of her estate and marker at the cemetery.  It has taken all my energy to do that and take care of my little family.  I have left out myself.  I stopped...caring about me..and its ironic because I KNOW no one will take care of me if I don't.  That hurts me. And I am resentful for it.  I have such a hatred for my parents...It is killing me. I blame them for my sister not knowing how to love herself.  And look I am knowingly not taking care of myself waiting for a rescue that will never come...its all in my hands. And lately, nothing is moving

 My little sister died of suicde May 29, 2011... I've been reeling ever since.. My world is shattered...im still picking up the pieces and ive been running in circles...and through it all I have stopped taking care of myself. In some crazy way, I just thought to punish myself for awhile.. After all I was so happy before all of this. How can I be happy now? I just Feel guilty for living...we both struggled with depression.....I'm anemic and gained 10 pounds back. Gradually. I'm trying the 5 day pouch test. Today was day one...I made it through just fine. You see that's just the thing...no matter how hard my circumstances are- I'm always fine. I always get things I have to done...bc I don't have anyone to do them for me...that's part of being a grown up...I just wish I had some parents that I could lean on...I feel like no one understandś what a nightmare I've been through...

Wow, I am down to 166.  I am so close to my goal.   I feel amazing.  I am so thankful for my rny.  It changed my life.  I have my health and my young family, I finally got a job and am back at school too.  I am so busy and I know that I couldn't keep up at 267.

As of today I have lost 50 pounds.  I have been struggling with snacking. I feel like my weight loss is slow but I know it is my fault. But 50 pounds is amazing. I feel so much better. I am a size 16. I was pushing a 24!  I joined a gym and have been walking in the am with a friend since the weather is so beautiful.  I hope to lose another 20 before my trip to Chicago in July.  My sister's have not seen me since last year. It is exciting. I cut my hair, it has been thinning and I wanted a change.  I am currently babysitting my neighbor's daughter She is two. I have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old. Watching these three girls keeps me busy! It is only for another 2 weeks. I start summer school June 6th.  I am pumped up to tackle those classes! The more I take and pass the faster I can reach my goal. 

Okay so the first two weeks I dropped twenty pounds. I am holding steady at that weight. I struggled with BM's.  Was horrible. I am also struggling to take in all the fluid. I am thankful for finding out that I can add unsweetened cocoa to my vanilla protein shakes. That alone has made a huge difference! I enjoy the taste of it.  I started a swim for fitness class at the JC. I met a really nice young woman. She is twenty. Wow, I will be thirty this year. But I think after 21 age is just a number. I feel like myself but just wiser. Actually learning from my mistakes. Well enough blabbering. I am going to post my 2 1/2 week post op pictures.

I was discharged from the hospital today at 10:45am.  I am doing great. I have been on 4 walks already. Yesterday I did seven. Slow walks, taking it easy but with the risk of blood clots, I am walking religiously.  I have no cravings for food.  I went to the pharmacy and walked through the Valentine's isle.  Didn't even bother me.  I know that there will be days ahead that perhaps I might want to eat junk, but I want this to work so badly, I don't want to sabatoge myself.
I was really worried about coming home.  My husband had the house cleaned and my lil girls dressed when I came home.  They didn't jump on me yet. So I am thankful!!  My husband made a homemade chicken soup. So I could drink the broth.  I am trying to watch the sodium.  The powder boulion and cubes have almost 980 of sodium. The doctor said limit to 2000.  So I am watching the salt... That is all for now. I will weigh myself at my one week post op appt.  

I am ready.  I did the bowel prep. Discusting!! Waiting for it to work.  I bought 3oz dixie cups and plan to make jello tonight so it will be ready for me when I get home. Taking the girls over to grandpa's house this evening.

Well, I am about 85% ready for my surgery.  I still need to get some liquids for when I come home.  I have my 4 hour nutrition class on Tuesday and my pre-op with the surgeon on Wednesday. EEEk I am excited and nervous.  I am going to have my husband take my measurements today. All of them. To compare at my one year surgiversary! I am so excited to start the new year off like this!