One of Those Crappy Weeks...
Oct 01, 2010
I don’t come here as much as I used to a few months ago. Back then I would come here a few times a day, everyday, and I would spend a few hours here in the evenings, everyday. Then I found a way to be able to have surgery, so for my own sanity, I would say since August, I have tried to stop obsessing about this whole process as much as I can and part of that has involved staying away from the site a bit. I was never one to post frequently. It is just not in my nature. I am an intensely private person, which comes from how I grew up. I couldn’t talk about 97% of the things that went on in my home or how I felt. Old habits die hard, I still don’t like to talk much. Well, I have no problem talking…but I don’t like talking much about myself. I prefer “just talking” in general, or having others talk.
The last few days have been difficult for some reason. My want for food has been “up”. Last night my old “friend” insatiable hunger showed up for a visit. I was like a bottomless pit. It was beyond horrible. I don’t think I have been as hungry as I was last night since April. And back in April it was still a food free-for-all. I now know I did myself no favors by having a piece of mint fudge [from the farm] and some Chinese food for dinner on Saturday night when we got home from the farm. I guess I let a big whammie down on myself and let the evil carbie cravings out of the bag and now that they have been let lose - I am left to fight them back down.
Just this has been a funky week for me, I guess from an emotional standpoint, overall. I had my TOM last week. First time I had it “fully” in quite some time. Only took 55 pounds for it to do it’s thing and not just be "spotty". We will see what happens next month. Then I am trying to get to my “goal” of 335. I have been trying to get there since August 4th. I was @ 336 on 9/26. I don’t think I am going to get there. Not with what I was munching on last night. I think it is part of a mental mindf**k I am doing to myself. When I first started this journey back in May, I decided I was only going to weigh once a month...yeah, that only lasted about three weeks!! I say it is a mental M/F because I had the same bit of drama when I was working down to my "goal" of 350. I had never been below 350 in my teenage or adult life, so there was that hesitation/anxiety about reaching that threshold and then going below that “sacred” number. And I think I am at that same point again as I am in so much virgin territory. I am ok if I don’t hit 335 by 10/4. I am just going to be frustrated. With myself… But you can’t eat 10-12 pirogues’ [not ever sauerkraut ones, they were potato!! ugh] and assorted other crap and expect to see a loss. Oh well, at least I am conscious of my behaviors and the cause and effect that will result from it/them. Which is very much something that in the past I was not. Also, I hate to say it, but Monday was three years ago that my father died. So even though there was no love lost between us, I know that still effects me, regardless. And my birthday is next week. I pretty much hate my birthday… I have since I was a little kid… So yeah,… Hopefully, this “whatever” I am in passes quickly… I don't know how many times my Mom asked me this week if I was all right and if anything was wrong...and I was like everything is fine, nothings wrong. She was like you can't be fine, because you keep snapping... Lovely, Barb 
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